Poor planning

I've known for a long time that if I don't mark it in the calendar it doesn't exist. I was reminded of that today in the most disappointing way. Having made arrangements to go to Rachel's birthday "paint" party without first checking what was on the calendar, big mistake. It's not that I didn't need or enjoy the massage, it's just that I was so disappointed to miss seeing everyone there. Happy birthday Rachel!

At least I got to play with some of the kids this morning, so that was the highlight of today. That and the fact that I'm still eating reasonably.

I admit to continuing to struggle with patience. I'd like to be better now. However, I do realize that there won't ever be a totally "better", and I can also usually remind myself that it's what I do while getting better that sets the tone of my " better ".

Love, elly

Getting there

I'm officially 1 pound below when I started the program at the clinic. So in spite of the fact that I've had several rather major blowouts, I'm still doing well enough in general that my weight is creeping down.

I've adjusted partly to the medication, but still have a hard time getting motivated in the morning. The constipation continues, but is manageable. I think it helps that I'm eating so many fruits and veggies.

I had an absolutely wonderful day with my kids and grandkids. They truly make me happy to be alive, and so grateful. I managed not to eat any of the delicious desserts, and still felt very satisfied and content. My kids gave me a remote starter for the van, and some beautiful photos.

Below you will notice that I unsuccessfully added said photos for you to appreciate too.

The last 2 days I've helped others with some small jobs and got to visit some great friends at the same time! Win, win! Tomorrow I get to help Rachel celebrate her birthday, and visit with more wonderful people. I want to schedule a few more visits with the kids before I go back to work too.

It's not all smooth, but it's all good.
Love, elly

Gratitude

A great big serving of gratitude is what I had today.

Love, elly

Merry Christmas

It was a wonderful day filled with wonderful people who I love and who love me. Yet I struggled. I abused myself physically and emotionally. I ate horribly and non stop. I felt awful about it and struggled to know that I deserve such love and support.

Tomorrow I try again. It encourages me to know that no matter how badly or how often I fall down, my people keep loving me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

With love and gratitude, elly

Still tired

I'm very tired and the only thing I think it might be is emotional. I guess making these significant changes is taking a lot out of me.
I will be going to bed early again tonight.

On Wed I brought home a box of chocolates that a student gave me, and I ate the whole box with a glass of milk! So delicious!! I did regret that decision, but I didn't feel bad. I especially regretted it when I couldn't sleep because of all the caffeine! Otherwise I'm still eating fairly well most of the time.

I wish I had something else profound to say, but I've got nothing. I did notice today that a lot of our students were still at school after the bell rang to go home. I think it's a testament to how comfortable, connected and cared for they feel with us. It's a pretty awesome place!

I'm not really ready for Christmas, but I don't care very much!
Love always, elly

Tired

More tomorrow.
Love, elly

Live in the moment

It's kind of weird, but I've noticed that when I'm doing well, I think that I'll continue to do well. Likewise, when I'm eating badly, I assume that I'll keep doing that and can't seem to change it.

I find that the more I try to live in the moment, the easier it is to see what's happening now, and not make too many assumptions about the future. I tried to say "not make any assumptions", but I knew I'm not all the way there yet.

For quite a while now, I've brought my own water to work with me. We have lead pipes at school, and even though they flush it every morning, and test it once a year, it hasn't always passed the tests. It's also quite full of "stuff". On the odd occasion that I haven't had enough of my own, I've filtered the water before drinking it.

About 2 months ago, our new principal bought a water dispenser, that serves hot and cold water. I've used the water from it ever since, and it's been so nice not having to carry enough water every day. However, with everything that's going on around this time of year, including illness, the guy who usually picks up the water wasn't able to get there, so we didn't have any. So yesterday I had very little to drink during the day. Next to a good sleep, enough water to drink is probably the next biggest factor in how well I eat.

Last night after I posted, I ate. I ate a lot. Yet this morning I got up knowing I would eat just fine. Of course, I did. So not only am I making more decisions in the moment, even when I ate a lot, it was all healthy stuff, just too much.

I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point that I'm living totally in the moment, but even getting a little better at it is making a big difference. I'm grateful.

Love, elly

Progress

I'm not keeping really close track, but I know that over the past 3 weeks, I've lost 9 pounds. That still leaves my weight a pound above what it was when I started the program, but I'm feeling really good about it. First of all, it's going down and that is the only way I'll get where I want to go. Secondly, I didn't gain back the other weight that I had lost while waiting to start the program and that's what I choose to focus on.

I also figured something else out, and I think it's important. For several years now, I've noticed that if I was watching kids at their own homes, that I was much more likely to go looking for some junk to snack on after they were in bed than I would if I was watching them here. I know that they don't mind what I snack on, but I think that figuring out that it reminds me of going to look in the cupboard to see what kind of candy he left me will help me to stop doing it. When I stayed with Tim and Jen's kids on the weekend, I brought apples, carrots and hummus with me, and shared them with the kids. Of course, we had popcorn too, but only while the kids and I were watching the movie.

That's all of my exciting discoveries for today.
Love, elly

Sleepover

Adrian, Aubrey, and Penelope decided that it would be fun to have grandma sleepover at their house Saturday night when their parents went out for the evening. It was a blast! Tim and Jen made us a wonderful supper before they left and we watched a movie and ate lots of popcorn. I'm sure they'll be finding popcorn in the couch and carpet for weeks!

I slept surprisingly well on the pull-out couch in the basement. Penelope was at the top of the stairs this morning at 6, calling Grandma. She came and snuggled and the boys joined us at 6:30. We played until 7:30 when they got hungry. Dad made them pancakes and sausages, while I came home to feed and let the dogs out. Then I took the kids to the Y for swimming and open play time. Being anyone's grandma is the best!!

I got home to discover that Tim had been here and cleared the end of my driveway where the plow had filled it in. Being anyone's mom is the best!

I continue to eat fairly well and feel quite good emotionally. I'm still having some minor drug side effects, but nothing I can't deal with, especially for a short term. I'm also feeling much more aware and present, for lack of a better word. I'm not feeling nothing, and seem to be managing what I'm feeling fairly well too.

I noticed something this afternoon that happened last week too. I got quite cold and then felt like I needed to eat. I did eat something extra, but in retrospect, I think maybe it was my body's way of letting me know that I hadn't had enough. Knowing that will help me not to judge myself about it. I think it's a good insight.

I'm off to bed. Love always, elly

Joy to the world

Actual joy, from me to the world. I had another session today and Talaria agrees that I'm making real progress. We installed another resource for me to use, in which I describe in detail how I feel about a loving positive event I've experienced. I chose when Penelope fell asleep in my arms at our family Christmas gathering. Then she read it back to me while doing the bilateral stimulation. Pure joy!

Sam would like to tell you a story too. It's called Once Upon a Christmas. There was a house and it was Christmas time. There was a house that believed that Santa would come to their house every Christmas. They were all sound asleep and whenever a light shined in their eyes, they would still be asleep. Then they were having the strangest dream. They still didn't wake up. Then Santa went down the chimney, ate their cookies and drank the milk, which was ice cold. Then he went to their Christmas tree and put their presents down. It was still night time but the parents woke up and wrapped the kids presents, which were both medium sized. Then finally it was Christmas morning. The kids woke up, got dressed, and went down stairs and opened their medium sized presents. David got a remote control airplane, which is little. Leland got a hot wheels set that came with 4 hot wheels.
The end from Sam

I love you all, good night.
elly

Better again

Right back on track with food, got to the pool and had a great day at work. I survived pulled pork at lunchtime, I made fresh chocolate chip cookies this afternoon, and had our staff party with all kinds of goodies tonight! I'm tired and don't like all the snow, but I feel good.

That's good enough for today.
Love, elly

I don't feel bad

As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good. I've definitely had a minor slip, food wise, but I really feel ok about it. I also experienced the overeating in a way I never have before. I noticed how much my body didn't like it almost immediately, and it didn't cause a total abandonment of healthy eating. I didn't dive face first into anything, not even chocolate, that's been right in front of me. I'm still getting to the pool, even if I'm a little late some mornings. It's still a vast improvement from several weeks ago.

Much love, elly

Its fuckin' winter!

...and its not even Christmas yet.

It snowed, a lot. I got cold, a lot. I ate popcorn, a lot. Then bananas with peanut butter.

I got to the pool this morning but forgot my gym bag because I started shoveling and then left it inside the door. So then I had to come home for underwear and deodorant etc. I still swam.

It was a great day at work, topped off with giving a teacher 10 gift cards for burgers priest. She's taking her class of 10 to the mall to wrap gifts to raise money for the food bank, and she's going to surprise them Wed morning with the cards. They're leaving early so they can go for lunch first. Danny donated the cards to them and they are going to be thrilled! I'm crazy about this guy!!

I still feel good and I want to clarify that I realized that I hadn't felt like I had the right to feel happy, etc for a long time, but that I realize that my hope is stronger than ever. I didn't even go back to look at what I said, as I'm sure it didn't come out right.

Love infinity, elly

Christmas

Yesterday was my family's Christmas gathering, and even though we were missing several of the gang, it was wonderful. So many of the next generation have families of their own now, which was great to see. Watching them interact together differently than when they were younger. Watching the awesome parenting happening in spite of all the mistakes we made with them. Watching all the grandkids there playing together and running around; well the ones that are old enough to run anyway.

There was discussion about whether we were willing to have CTV come to our next gathering. Niece Carla, whose hair salon services a lot of the CTV crew, told them how we spend the day and they asked if they could film us as they like to show people celebrating in different ways. While the consensus was that we didn't want them invading our gathering, there was extended conversation about the benefits to the recipients if others were inspired to do the same. I would love to see Carla, Sammie, Megan, Adrian, Tim, Matt, Andy, Rachel, Maisie, Jake, Melissa, and any other of the young 'uns talk about it on air. I think that would be fabulous!

As well as the usual massive cook fest that happened to feed the less fortunate, there were helium balloons, gingerbread houses, a puppy, homemade soup and other goodies to eat and lots of beautiful babies to celebrate. I especially enjoyed the time that Miss P fell asleep in my arms, and a visit with Jake. The world might still be saved by young men like him! I confess to wasting a few minutes worrying about how I will manage to arrange everything for next year, but it's still a year away, so I was able to dismiss the thought fairly quickly.

I almost always spend a part of this day feeling overwhelmed by how many people there are and wondering how and where my place is among them. Fortunately, this year it happened just as Miss P was tired so I held her and allowed myself just to listen to everyone around me. It's pretty hard to worry or stress about anything while holding a sleeping child, and listening to the chaos and fun generated by a crowd of people who love each other, no matter what. As I arrived back home I had the realization that, for the first time in a long time, I'm really fortunate to be alive. Merry Christmas to all!

I think my exhaustion last night was more emotional than physical, but I had a good sleep and feel good today. I went to the Y with Tim and his kids, did some shopping, tidying and cooking, and shoveled the driveway.

I really enjoy some of the corny Christmas movies that are on this time of year, and while I was doing chores, I had a movie on TV. At some point, I thought that the tenants were cooking or baking something that smelled delicious. After a while it started to smell like it was burning. I didn't really worry about it at first, until I remembered that I heard them leave at some point. It kept smelling worse and I eventually decided I should call to see if anyone was home. That's when I got up, walked to the kitchen and took the burnt pot of carrots off the stove. It amazed me that I had immediately suspected the tenants, even though I've never smelled anything burned from upstairs, while I forget stuff all the time! That's why I've already gotten rid of all my candles. I can't be trusted!

I don't know if I adequately expressed how I've felt the last few days. A small part of me is starting to believe that I will come out of this challenge feeling healthier, stronger, and happier than I ever have the right to expect or hope for. The truth is that my hope is stronger than ever! I believe.

Love, elly

Tired

Too tired to tell you about my wonderful day. I promise to tell you tomorrow.

Love, elly

Nobody stole it!

I got home this evening, after spending time with Em and Grace, their dogs, and my dogs. Mama Anne was Christmas shopping and Papa Jason is traveling for work this week. We had a fantastically fun time playing games. Em also made us pizza for supper. I sat down to relax a little before I went to bed and suddenly realized that I wasn't wearing anything around my neck. I had an essential oil diffuser on a chain and a rose quartz pendant that I think I told you about a few weeks ago. I vaguely remembered taking them off somewhere unusual, but it took me a few minutes to remember where...it was in the pool! Of course, the oil diffuser has oil in it and has holes so I can smell it. It doesn't work well if I fill it up with water, but I forgot to take it off. When I realized, I took them both off and put them on the poolside, but forgot to pick them up when I left.

Now I admit to being critical of some of the pool staff, who I see doing the bare minimum, and sit around most of the time. I'm also very vocal about those who are always cleaning or tidying equipment, etc when not on guard duty, and thank them every chance I get.

I also have had a problem with people stealing things from the women's "plus" changeroom. It costs extra for the hot tub, towels, hair dryers, etc. You would expect that anyone who can afford to pay for the extra luxuries wouldn't need to steal things, but I've lost many things in there, to theft. In all the years I used the regular changeroom, I never lost a shampoo bottle or kids pool toys! Nothing! Makes you wonder, eh?

Regardless, when I called this evening, almost 2 days later, the pool staff had picked them up and kept them in the office. I was so grateful! I asked the woman to thank the pool staff, and will make sure that the pool supervisor hears about it too. So next time I'm in, they will be waiting at the front desk for me. Yahoo!

Ive tied my personal best of 2 days in the pool, and am on day 7 of eating well. Im excited for the Rooyakkers family Christmas celebration tomorrow and look forward to seeing some peeps that I might not see the rest of the year.

Love, elly

Not hard to beat

The one great thing about a 2 day streak is that it's not hard to beat! I got to the pool again, even though I was a little later. Speaking of streaks, I'm up to 6 days on a healthy eating streak. I'm know it's starting small, but starting is the key part, and something I haven't been able to manage for quite a while, so I'm pretty happy.

All of my Amazon packages have arrived now and there's only one that I'm not thrilled with. The item itself is fine but I got hosed on the shipping for it. I also found it cheaper elsewhere since then. It would cost me more to ship it back to return it, so I'll chalk it up to a lesson learned and check that more carefully next time.

We had chocolates in the staffroom today, and chocolate chip banana bread, chocolate covered strawberries and bananas, macaroons, smoothies, homemade pizza etc at school. I'm pretty proud of me. I considered a nibble and decided it would be fatal, so I passed. I even had to help serve the stuff today!

That's all. It's enough. I love my life.
elly

It's over

My 2 day pool streak is over, but I don't feel too bad about it. I had a terrible time sleeping last night, trying not to think about work. Combine that with getting up 6 times with the dogs, and I was just exhausted. I'm not worried about being able to get there again tomorrow.I think my posting streak is up to 3 days, though, so that counts.

In spite of being tired today, work went very well. I am truly very fortunate to work with such a great group of people; 7 teachers, 3 EAs, 1 principal, 1 social worker, 1 child and youth worker, and 1 secretary. The compassion and camaraderie is never ending. Unfortunately, the part time custodian doesn't count for much, but we try not to let him get us down. Honestly, the rest of them, I would trust my kids and grandkids with.

I still feel my resolve is strong. I'm eating well. I'm going to bed early and if the dogs are assailed again, I'm going to strangle them. I don't think that's as long a jail term...

That's it for today, except for 2 clarifications. Gail, you are always welcome here. Pete, I'm rich and I'm a bitch, but I'm never a rich bitch. I'll leave that to you!

Love, elly

Counting my many blessings

I love my job, but some days are so incredibly hard that you can't even imagine it. I've already tried several times to describe it and then erased it. Some days my heart aches for them, but I can't change it or help them. It doesn't help them if I add their pain to mine so I need to remember that it's theirs. Some days all I can do is stay calm and be there. It's enough.

I made day 2 to the pool! I think I'll start a streak. My sleep is better and I'm feeling able to get up in the morning, even though I still have times during the day when I feel so tired that my eyes cross. It's a huge improvement, and I'm grateful for it.

I'm excited that I'm going to see a lot of my tribe next weekend as we prepare food to share with others. The day is relaxing and fun; exactly what a family Christmas party should be. There will be lots of idiots there, maybe a few little cuties to snuggle, and an abundance of love and good food.

I'm sitting in my warm house, with my crazy dogs, full of good food. I'm thinking about my wonderful children, and their partners and children, and my sisters and brothers and their partners and children. I can turn on a movie or be entertained by a game. I have clean clothes and a comfortable bed. I have a phone to contact who I want and internet to shop with. I have a Christmas tree that my grandsons helped to decorate. I have orchids in my window that are alive! I have indoor facilities, where I can clean myself and shit as many times as I like. I have a vehicle that will take me anyplace I need to go. I have enough books that I can read whenever I want! I'm rich beyond compare!

Love, elly

Progress

I didn't see Talaria much in Nov as she was away. It was a very good exercise in patience. I saw her on Friday and will see her several times more before the end of the year. I actually feel like I'm starting to make some real progress. I'm setting the spring as a goal to reducing and/or eliminating medication.

I told Talaria that the last time I saw her I felt reluctant to address my food concerns because then I wouldn't be able to go home and eat. After getting home, I quickly realized that I'm scared about how hard it could be. So I decided that I was worth the wait and to allow myself whatever time I need to be ready. Of course, that meant that I was ready almost immediately. Thus the exercise in patience, which was very good for me.

She reminded me that it's the reason for eating that we need to treat and we talked about what I get out of it. I know that I punish myself for eating his candy, but that's only a small part of it. If I stuff myself so full that I'm in physical pain, then I don't feel my emotional pain. It's as effective for me as any drug or alcohol. The down side to continuing to do that is that I also don't feel all the joy, love and gratitude in my life. It's just not an option for any length of time.

We did a longer bilateral stimulation, while envisioning enough calming, healing, soothing, and relaxing energy for everything I need. At the same time, I envision letting go of anything I don't need into the earth where it is neutralized. I can't tell you how much I love this. I almost get giddy, but I'm too relaxed and calm!!

I've decided to not assume that my current healthier eating will disappear again. It may fade a little again from time to time, but I know that my commitment to being patient will see me through. The medication may still cause weight gain, but I'll accept that as long as it's not from overeating.

I'm also feeling a reprieve from the "I can't get out of bed!" routine. I still feel fairly foggy a lot of the time from the medication, but I'm waking up a little better and actually got in the pool this morning. I don't think I've been there through the week for at least 2 weeks. It's slow, but it's the right direction, so I'll take it.

I was dreading Christmas shopping, but Kelly advised me about shopping safely online and some of my gifts have already been delivered to my door. I love it! I even made sure to check reviews and almost always paid a little more for better quality. I have a few things that I'd like to make and I'll see how that goes. Above all, patience!

I have a shitty cold and sinus congestion, but if I can avoid the annual bout of bronchitis, I'll count my blessings. It's hard enough dealing with what I suspect is the beginning of dementia in Lucy. She seems to totally forget to go pee when she's outside sometimes, and I need to tell her several times to eat. Both of these behaviours are very unusual for her. After the second time she peed on top of my bed, I watch her to make sure she goes before coming back in. More patience!

I've been trying to get together with my kids to talk over what's been going on and ask for support, but there was too much fog, and too little time in their busy lives. I finally decided just to email all of them and I did that before starting this post. They're all pretty awesome people and I'm blessed to have them around.

Sisters weekend didn't happen this fall because the girls went to Florida, but I'm hoping that we can get together for a meal over the holidays. I look forward to this semiannual routine and miss the renewal I always feel after spending a weekend with my sister friends.

I'm determined to be at least a little more consistent with posting as well. It's always a gift to me when I manage it, but that doesn't guarantee it's gonna happen either.

Many blessings, friends.
Love, elly

Almost there

I'm working up to something. I think it'll be something good. Maybe another day or two of thinking and sorting, but it'll be soon. In the meantime, thanks for hanging out and being real.
Love always, elly

Some days I just can't talk about it

Fortunately, this isn't one of those days. I've tried several times to post but either the stuff felt too hard, or I was too tired. Several days I sat down and opened the new post, only to sit and do nothing. I've had to acknowledge that it's what it is right now.

It's been a tough few weeks, with no energy or ambition. I know that's partly the result of the medication and partly because I've gained so much weight that I'm uncomfortable and it's hard to move. I hate admitting that I need it (drugs) for the time being, but I also know it won't be forever. I expect there will be some more tough times before I come out the other end, so for now, I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself.

I've been a little busy lately doing laundry, as I try to figure out what's going on with Lucy. I'm starting to think that she might be getting dementia. She has always been well trained, unlike Phyllis, who I had to work with. Lately someone has been peeing in the house. Last week I actually caught Lucy when she peed on her own bed right in front of me. Dogs don't do that. Twice in the past few weeks she's peed on my bed, right through everything. This morning when I let her out, she did her usual inspection of the yard and barked at the neighbourhood. When she was ready to come in I told her to go pee and she had a huge one. I think she's been forgetting to go while she's out. I've also had to tell her several times to come and eat and that is also totally out of character for her. I'm hoping that I'm able to manage her behaviour enough that I don't need to put her down. It sounds like a little thing but I know I won't be able to deal with constant peeing. I keep thinking that I might be on the receiving end of that before long. I can just hear the kids now...Sorry mom, but we just can't deal with you peeing all over the house any more!!

It's almost another week before I see Talaria again, as she is away this month. Then I see her 3 times in Dec. I'm really hoping to get at some of the nitty gritty during that time, and look forward to a bit of a fresh start in the new year.

In the meantime, kids continue to have birthdays, and I'm grateful for any time I get to spend with them. Today was swimming with the 3 girls and Jason and supper and a movie with Kelly's crew. I also got some bills paid, which has been a challenge, and did a little Christmas shopping. It's enough.

Love and kind thoughts to all of you, and a special "of course!" to Gail's question.
elly

He was a good man

...and a wonderful grandfather. He was human, so of course he had his faults, but I will miss him and I know lots of others will too. As I snuggled in bed with Sam this morning and told him that his great grandfather had died, he had a few tears. I reminded him that both his mother and he were named after his grandpa Kelly and that he will live on in all those who loved him.

I last saw him a month or so ago, when I drove Kelly (Slessor) up to visit him after her laser eye surgery. After hugging her, he asked how her mom and dad were, especially her mom. She said, she's right here and he proceeded to take my hand as we walked down the hall. We walked outside in the sun and he fell asleep on a bench in the sun, with his granddaughter brushing his hair.

That visit was a gift to me, as things have not always been easy between us. In later years, he made it clear that he really wanted me to be happy. He hasn't been the same since Audrey died, and as his dementia worsened, he wanted to live less and less. I admit that I'm grateful that he didn't have to linger through that for years like mom did. Wherever/ whatever he is now has to be better than that.

I think most children take their grandparents for granted, as I think they should. I'm grateful that my kids got to know him as adults, as they have a much deeper appreciation for who he was. Rest well, Kelly Crowe, and say hi to mom and dad.

Love, elly

Can you say sabotage?

Undermining, sabotaging, believing that I don't deserve to feel better. Really, I know that everyone deserves to feel better, so it's good to know that this is what I'm doing. It's the only way I'll ever be able to change it, and change it I will.

I am inspired by a young man who has had more than his fair share of shit in his life, and yet faces each day determined to do the best he can to face his addictions. If he can keep fighting, I can too!

That's all I want to say about that for now. I want to tell you about something else I did today. I have seen so many people posting things about saying "Merry Christmas" and not saying happy holidays. Apparently inviting god back into our homes for the holidays means excluding others. So I decided even though I really like the person who posted this last one, I commented that all gods are welcome in my home. I figure I need all the help I can get!

Love, elly

The old lady's still fat

For a week and a half I ate really well. Lots of fruits and veggies and reasonable amounts of other things. It felt easy. The feeling that I was enough and that there was enough for me continued. I was surprised, but quite delighted by how easy it seemed.

I was aware that I hadn't mentioned it here, because I was waiting for it to disappear, which of course, it did. I was waiting for it, so what choice was there. Talaria assures me that this is all perfectly normal. (She doesn't know our family, after all!) She says that because some of these defenses have been in place for so many years, it will take time to slowly change.

We only did a very short bilateral stimulation before we ended on Friday, but we did talk more about how I'm feeling. Most of the time I'm doing very well, but it still doesn't take a lot to change that. It's still way better than I've felt for over a year, so I'm still pretty happy about that, in spite of the fact that I weigh more now than when I started the program at the General. I'm trying to continue to keep the focus on feeling well and trust that the rest will happen when it will.

It's been harder than I expected to know the girls are in Florida without me. I guess I should pull up my big girl panties and get over it! Right??

One day at a time, I'm still swimming!
Love, elly

Stories

Many years ago after dad died, mom asked me if I would like to have a ring that he wore when he went to war in Indonesia. He had it made and wore it while he was away sort of like a promise ring, that they would be married when he returned. It was a simple silver signet ring with "Petra" written on it. I loved it and it fit my middle finger so I wore it all the time. She thought because my name was the same as hers that I might like it.

Shortly after mom died, I realized one day that it was missing. I had been out to the old homestead in West Luther and had been to several stores in Kitchener. I retraced my steps as much as possible, looking for it. I left my contact information at each place in case someone turned it in. I didn't go back to the farm because I knew that if I lost it there, I would never find it. After several weeks and no phone call, I accepted that I would never get it back and tried to take some consolation from the fact that it might have returned to where dad started out.

Several months later, I got a package in the mail from Kelly, who was living in Whitehorse at the time. Inside was dad's ring! I was flabbergasted! I just couldn't figure out how it got there. She filled me in when I called her. She and Danny had been home for a visit about 2 weeks before and Danny had forgotten his jacket here. I often mailed boxes to them, as it was inexpensive and a nice way to share some things not available in the Yukon. I added his jacket to a parcel I sent. Because of the weather at the time, he didn't wear it again for several months, but when he did, he found dad's ring in the pocket.

I ended up giving the ring to Tim before he got married when he needed something to connect him to his roots. I felt so grateful that it found it's way to where it was needed.

One of the things I've been doing lately is carrying a smooth stone to rub when I get anxious or agitated, kind of like a worry bead. It made me remember a heart shaped rose quartz pendant I used to have. I got rid of it years ago when I was decluttering and trying to minimize "things". I thought about how much easier it would be to still have it because it was on a string to wear around your neck, it was super smooth and easier than carrying when I don't have pockets.

Danny saw my stone last week and asked me about it. When I told him that I was using it as a worry stone, I told him about the one I used to have. Kelly turned around and said, "this one?", as she picked it up and gave it to me! I've been wearing it ever since.

I honestly don't know how or why these things happen, but I trust that the things and people that we need will be there when we need them.

More tomorrow on my progress or lack thereof!

Much love, elly

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There is no doubt in my mind that my younger siblings had totally different parents than the older ones. I think they learned as they went along and didn't repeat all of their initial mistakes. I think that's true even for the worst of parents.

I'm also aware that my male siblings were treated differently than my female siblings by both our parents. I experienced the boys being allowed to make more mistakes and the girls had the expectation of being responsible. Not responsible for the boys, just to be mature.

It took me a lot of years to realize some of these things, and obviously, they're just my perspective.

I remember when we knew that dad's illness was terminal, I thought about how I could express my gratitude for him. I remembered that he had always loved Ave Maria, and because he loved music in every way, I thought it would be wonderful if all of us kids could sing it together for him. I called an organist we knew who agreed to help us. After our first big practice we had some discussion and I sensed that some people were having second thoughts about doing it. One asked why we were doing it and when I tried to explain, he responded by saying that if he wanted to tell Dad something, he would talk to him. As the conversation continued, it became clear that dad had also talked to them. I had no idea and didn't want to continue with something that the others didn't want so we didn't do it.

I doubt very much that I was the only girl who went, wow, he never talked to me unless it was to tell me what to do when I piled bales on the wagon or in what way I had done something wrong in the barn. As I was the third girl in the family I felt the real sting of not being the awaited son. As such I often went to the field or barn with dad. It didn't hurt that I was always physically strong, so we would often spend all day together in the field during the summer and never spoke 2 words.

I remember once when I was first alone with my kids after Paul left, I really wanted to talk to dad and get his perspective about something. I found the courage to go to him, and before I could even tell him what I wanted to talk about, he told me that I should probably talk to mom. I know he was doing the best he could, but I was devastated.

For many years I also thought that both of our parents were equally religious. When Dad retired and sold the farm he continued to be very active helping at the church, while mom was less so. After dad died, I found that even more so.

I might have continued to think that they took their religious responsibilities equally seriously. When I was a teenager however, I overheard a conversation that led me to believe that having children wasn't discussed because it was her obligation to submit to dad in this regard. As an adult when she came right out and admitted that she didn't know if she would do it over, I honestly felt like she was confirming that. I'm pretty sure that there were times when the last thing she wanted to do was have sex, but I admit that I don't know that for sure because she refused to talk to us about it when we asked.


Maybe dad was a better father than I remember. Maybe he was a better husband than I perceived him to be. I know he was a good and pious man and that he loved mom and us kids the best he could. I think he died never knowing what the priests had done to some of us, and in some way I wish that mom never knew either. (It wasn't me who eventaully told her.) Maybe it was partly the reason that she didn't follow blindly any longer...

Reading this over, it sounds a bit like a pity party and that's not what I intended. It also feels a bit disjointed and I've erased whole paragraphs already. I'll just assume that it's ok to leave it here.

By the way, I don't have much difficulty listening to others. I actually think I'm kind of good at it! I have a much harder time listening to myself.

Love, elly

Small humans

There is nothing quite as magical for me as babies. I think my great nephew, Luca, must have saved up all his giggles just for our first meeting today. Everyone in the room was enjoying it. Then when he fell asleep in my arms, the gift was complete. At the same time, great niece Lucy was showing off her clapping, waving, and moving all over the place. After her rocky start it's a small miracle that she's so strong, smart, and super sweet. Of course, Madi, Lulu, Jackson, and Madi were all there too, but much too busy with each other to bother with grown ups. I was blessed with a wonderful visit with great niece Avery last week too!

Last night I got to see all of my own gang except Em, so that was great fun too. Penelope never wants to be outdone by her brothers, so she was running from house to house, "tick or teet"ing, and when she finally burned out, she was standing at someone's door, crying her heart out, but still holding her bag open for candy! She's just turned 2 and she was holding her pillowcase off the ground the whole time she ran around. This girl is going places!

My last thoughts are for Pete. I understand that you're proud of dad as a man, for never yelling at his wife. I think you might have missed my point though. I think mom just always agreed with him. But in later years I came to believe that if she'd been given any choice, she would have done many things differently. I'm not sure that dad knew how to make things less difficult for her. I think he believed that it was his duty to make all decisions, and that she believed that it was her duty to go along with his decisions. I can't even imagine a life where I didn't even have a choice about how many children I had. I'll reiterate that the best things she modelled for me were commitment and dedication (or persistence, I forgot what my original iteration was!) Plus I am really enjoying the conversation!

Much love, elly

Thoughts on love and parents

There is no doubt in my mind that my parents had a deep and profound love for each other. They survived a great many things that most of us don't even have to think about. War, poverty, isolation, and scarcity were just a few of their hardships. They must have been perpetually exhausted to boot.

While I know that this love saw them through their whole lives and it was obviously the right choice for them, I can't imagine any of us choosing it. I remember being shocked as an adult when one of my sisters asked mom if she had to do it over again if she would. She readily admitted that she wasn't sure. She had hoped as a young woman to become a nurse. She wouldn't elaborate, but I have often wondered since whether their love actually brought much comfort with it.

Imagine a life where you had so many children, because you believed that you had no choice, that this was god's choice for you. Imagine the 3 miscarriages that mom had, with no time, support or energy to grieve. Would you even grieve if you already had 9 or 10 kids? Imagine having to trust the decisions that your spouse made because there was never time or energy to discuss how you felt about anything. You each had separate jobs to fulfill with very little time actually spent together.

I don't think they taught us about love by modelling it. A sunday afternoon snuggle would have been the closest we ever came to seeing love exchanged between them, being a church enforced day of rest. Church, milking, cooking, dishes and homework still needed to be attended to. Most of the time I don't  think they even modelled very good parenting. However, I still think their greatest gift to us was each other. We were all in the same boat and I think we turned to each other naturally.

I make no judgement of them. I'm certain that they did better than I could have. I can acknowledge that I'm angry that neither of them knew what the priests did to us, and at the same time, I know that they did the very best they could with what was available to them. It was a different time and surviving was their greatest need. We live much easier lives in most ways and have the luxury of saying "I don't want to just live; I want to be happy too." It was a luxury not available to them. I have the option of treatment that was unheard of in their lives.

It's taken a lot to put these thoughts down and there is so much more I could say, but this is enough for now. I stand by my claim that my siblings were my first teachers and my kids and grandkids still reap the benefits.

With love and gratitude, elly

Good day, eh!

I had a quiet, calm, relaxing day. I felt great all day. I did as I pleased and all of it was good for me.

I find it interesting that Pete's comments about positive, loving, nurturing reflected almost exactly my own when I was asked. I said that mom taught me about perseverance and commitment, but the most significant gifts and learning about positive loving relationships came from my siblings. I don't really know how we came to do these things so well for each other without them being modelled, but indeed, it seems so to me. I still treasure the love and acceptance that I continue to receive, that is totally undeserved. I don't mean that I don't deserve it, only that I never have to do anything to deserve it. It's the same with my kids and grandkids.

Today, I feel that there is enough for me, and that I am enough.

Love, elly

Experimenting

Today when I saw Talaria we tried out different ways to do the bilateral brain stimulation. Some people like watching something that moves from side to side, so your eyes go back and forth. She also showed me bilateral tapping with the your hands, either on your legs or arms, headset with alternating beeps and a vibrating thing you hold in both hands. I really liked the last one and we tried it out a few times. It's like holding a small stone in each hand and they vibrate alternately.

The first thing she had me do was to practice one of the relaxation strategies while holding them. After doing that twice, she asked me to talk about something that had happened recently that was hard for me. She asked specific questions about how it felt to have that happen. Then she had me do the same thing with the relaxation strategy. The first part is to help the brain implant the strategy, and the second part gives me an idea of how we will take the more traumatic memories from earlier on and use those strategies to help the brain reprogram our response to those memories. Quite fascinating!

We also spent some time discussing some of the positive nurturing and loving I've experienced in my life, not just from my parents, but from anyone. It was wonderful to talk about all the blessings I've received from all of you, and how grateful I am for you.

I'm tired, but excited. I'm hopeful. I'm extremely grateful.

Love, elly

Well, that's done

I imagine there will still be more pain when I get the new insurance bill, but the rest is over and done. I had the careless driving charge reduced to fail to turn left to avoid collision. That's only 2 demerit points and it cost me $240. It was the best case scenario. I was fairly anxious until I spoke with the prosecutor, but waiting to plead guilty and the rest of it was easy enough. I never want to do it again though!

My Adrian celebrated his 6th birthday today and it's hard to believe that he's growing so fast. I am truly blessed.

I also got to have a wee visit and a squeeze with Miss Avery, which was nice too.

Much love, elly

Nice weekend

I honestly can't remember when I last felt a relaxed as I did this weekend. My sweet Paula came over to help me sort through a pile of paperwork. However, Rogers wasn't cooperating so we went shopping instead. I bought several sweaters and a jacket that reminds me of mom. When I got back the Internet was all better. I enjoyed an early birthday celebration for my oldest Sissie with a wonderful meal lovingly prepared by my next oldest Sissie.
Sunday I slept in, did some chores, and had supper and a movie with the Slessors.
Tomorrow is my court date (careless driving), so if I can come through that feeling as good as I felt on the weekend, I'll be laughing.

Love, elly

Wish list for education

Peter's rant response inspired me to say a few more words on the subject of ideal circumstances for education. No one who makes decisions about it would ever pay any attention, so why not?

I think that 25 % of teachers should be let go permanently, and another 50 % should be retrained; by students. It's probably stretching it to say that 25 % are OK, but I honestly think that the system probably destroys 15 % of those because they have to jump through ministry hoops constantly, and the hoops keep changing.

 There's interesting evidence that children learn best when they play. All the new early learning programs (kindergarten) use play based learning. I've also experienced time and time again, that if a student isn't engaged, it doesn't matter how smart they are. I think combining these premises would result in play based learning right through school, which would become more experiential as the students age. They should study the things that interest them and the essential skills they will need in life should be built into those experiences. Curriculum should be developed to suit each student.

Some part of the day MUST be spent doing something physical, preferably outside. Again, there should be enough selection that everyone can be doing something they enjoy.

The only testing should be at the students request and if they want to measure their skill levels. Other than that, the teaching team should be scored on how well the students engage. Don't test the students, test the teachers.

I think the team should be provided with whatever tools they need, but I don't think they should be paid more. I think that would only result in people being hired for the income, instead of a love of learning. However, EAs and ECEs should be paid better. All educators should have better preventative benefits, such as massage, etc.

Educational assistants and ECEs should never be under the direction of the teacher, but should be a real team. SWs, YW, etc should all be on the team and used as needed. I think that this is probably one of the most important parts of an ideal system. I know that lots of schools never really get to experience this and it's hard to describe how amazing it is when it works. I count myself very fortunate that I have no reservations about expressing my opinion about a student to any of the teachers or principal I work with. They often ask me what I think we should do and my opinion is respected and valued.

Now that I have that all sorted out, I'm tired.
Love, elly

Safe state

One of the things I need to accomplish before I start the EMDR is being in a safe state. I used to think of it as a safe place to go to in my mind, but I like this idea better. I need to be the safe place. I need to know how to stay in a safe state. Easier said than done, obviously.

I've been working on an assignment, that has me looking at 7 times in my life that were very difficult, what beliefs I had about myself at those times and how much those times still make my life difficult in the present. I've chosen to start at the end, rather than the beginning, as it seems the earlier hardships are much more difficult. I think all my years of counseling have given me strategies to deal with the things I experienced as an adult, whereas the childhood struggles are still much more painful.

I think this new medication is having a huge positive impact. However, I'm still feeling fairly groggy a lot of the time, and don't trust myself to drive out of town yet. I'm also gaining weight faster than ever. I'm not stressing about it and feel like I'm ready to look at healthier options as my agitation decreases.

People at work are very supportive and the principal makes sure that I know when the social worker bully is visiting.

It was a cluster fuck at work yesterday, but it was the fuckers who think standardized testing is important that were responsible. They get a huge FAIL for their online test. Almost 200000 kids across Ontario, and proctors for all of them, trying to log on at the same time. After 2 hours I finally got on my proctor site, but my student was still waiting. Did I mention that this is a timed test? We eventually got 3 students writing, only to be told at 1130 that they were cancelling it.

Get this; they're not allowed to use a dictionary! It's very like saying that you can't use a calculator for a math test. We're not even allowed to have casual conversation with them, unrelated to anything on the test. When we work with students with extreme anxiety, it goes against everything we do on a daily basis. It's supposed to be a literacy test, but it really only measures how well they perform on command, not how literate they are. Total and absolute bullshit, and a huge waste of resources. The costs, just for today, would be astronomical.

I think this proof that I can still pull off a good rant is evidence that I'm more myself again.

Love, elly

...and then this happened

I think I was almost happy today. All day, except when Lucy got skunked.
Love, elly

Hi

It was a pretty good day.
I still have lots to figure out, but I'm getting little glimpses that make sense to me.
I'm not going to Florida, and I'm OK with it. I plan to spend a few days with the girls before they leave.
I'm still tired, but I think with a bit more time, I will adjust and feel more rested.
So basically, more of the same, but better.
Love, elly

Tough days

There are some days when all I feel is shame, self doubt and hopelessness. However, I have more drugs, again... I don't even know what's helping any more. I am sleeping a bit better, but have managed to gain another 10 lbs. The board denied my leave request so I guess I'm not going to Florida unless I can pull a rabbit out of my ass.

I'm sorry, but I haven't got more, so it will have to do.

Love, elly

Hanging in

I know it would be good for me to blog more often, but I just don't always have the heart for it. I'm mostly doing "ok", with the occasional great and the occasional bad trigger. This week's was our old social worker spending the afternoon at the school. I've asked to be notified when she's coming in future and got permission to go home any time I need to.

I'm still waiting to hear back from the board office about a request for a week of unpaid leave in Nov to go to Florida with a few of the girls. They've changed their policy and don't want to approve it. I see my Dr in the morning, so if I still haven't heard anything, I'm going to see if he'll write me a note to see if that will help.

I think one of the biggest obstacles for me continues to be lack of consistent sleep. The other is my ongoing struggles with eating respectfully. I know I'm making some progress, but it seems so slow and I'm discouraged. I'm also getting quite anxious about my court date coming up later in the month. Hopefully I'll be able to take someone along for moral support.

My friend Gina became a grandparent for the first time this week. I'm thrilled for her. My family continues to be my rock!

Love, elly

Nose dive

I was triggered yesterday by a music video shown at the beginning of our staff meeting. I've been eating non stop again ever since, but I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll have my feet under me again.

Just keep swimming.
Love, elly

For Pete

Because he asked. I sometimes forget when I don't blog every day, what I've said and what I've forgotten.

I visited several used car lots, including one that had a van exactly like my old one. It was a piece of crap tho, as were some of the salesmen. One guy tried to give me a good deal; 3 years old, 100000 km, less than $10000. I pointed out the tar covering the corrosion on the inside of the doors, and the bubbling paint on both corners of the slider, and told him I wasn't interested in that kind of a deal. (I'm sure he thought this old broad's never bought a van before!)

I ended up at the garage I've already bought 3 used vehicles from. They also had a van like my old one that looked pretty good. He told me it would cost a lot a safety it and would need more work coming up shortly. Not something he wanted to put his name on to sell. I liked this dodge caravan, it has 163000 km, but was a rental, and 1 owner. I took it for a drive, checking brakes, stearing, acceleration, stability, ac, windows, heat, etc. (Love stow n go seats) It seemed good and was in my price range. My garage had done the service on it. It was raining quite a bit, so it was covered with water drops. When we got back, Steve, the owner, pointed out that there are a few paint bubbles right on the front edge of the hood. With the water covering everything, I would never have noticed!

Regardless, he tells me they (Dodge) know it's a defect, and they're fixing them. He said they won't do it for us, because we're a dealer, but as soon as it's in your name, register with them, they'll fix it, and then you'll also get any recall notices. I negotiated a deal with him to include summer tires and new plates (the old one had a hitch-sized hole in it!).

A few days later, I went to the Dodge dealer, registered the van, and was told when I asked about the hood, that there was a 160000 km limit on the repair. I spoke to the collision manager on Monday, to ask if they would make an exception. Steve had also called him. He took pictures and my info, and will try to submit it for repair. It may be a few weeks before I know what they decide. However, in the meantime, Steve assured me that if they don't fix it, he will cover it. It wasn't written in the contract but that's what he told me and that what he stands behind.

And that's why I take my vehicles there for service, and why I buy there. Good, reliable service is worth more than most guys "good deals"! I know I can trust them.

Love, elly

Tired

I'm not sure why, but I was so tired after work that I kept falling asleep, and eating because I was so agitated because I felt so tired. I finally just went to bed at 8, only to be awakened by 1030 by a nightmare about B. Who knows??

I had a busy, but good weekend.

After calling my garage and the Dodge dealership today, I went to Wellington Motors, where the head collision guy took pictures of the van, including the odometer, and told me he will attempt to get the parent company to approve the repair as a good will gesture, even though it's past the mileage allowed. My garage had already called him as well. My guy also told me that if they don't fix it, that he will get it done, as he told me it was covered. That's what I call good service, and why I like these guys.

My foot was very sore on the weekend, but on the opposite side that was hit. I think it's going to take a little longer for everything to return to its proper place. It continues to improve again today.

Since the beginning of September, my weight has hovered around the 240 lb Mark. While that's not at all where I want to be, I'm celebrating the fact that I've halted the 10 lb per month increase. The evenings are still tough, but one step at a time. If maintain is the best I can do while I sort the other stuff, so be it.

I've applied for an unpaid leave to go to Florida in November for a week. I really hope it gets approved.

Love, elly

Progress

I had a good session with Talaria today, and went to work after with no problems. She agrees that I'm making progress, and we'll continue to go slow. We talked about what I imagined mom was going through when she was pregnant with me and in my early childhood. I honestly believe she was still in shock from everything she experienced during the war, and she commented that she probably had a PTSD as well. Now as long as I don't wake up in a panic during the night, then I'll know I'm making progress.

I finally got the cheque from the insurance company today. However, I went in to the Dodge dealer to transfer the ownership and discovered that the recall on the hood has expired. I'm going to call the garage to see if they have any clout to get it done anyway. Wish me luck.

I continue to eat better.

Daniel and Sam are here for a sleepover and that makes everything better!
Love, elly

New wheels

In spite of the insurance company, I bought a van today. The cheque was supposed to be at my broker's office Monday. It's still not there, and apparently they take no responsibility, nor can they track it, after it goes to the courier. Mind boggling! I finally just said fuck it and went to the bank. It was better for my health to stop talking to them. I got a charcoal grey 2012 Dodge Grand Caravan.

I'm doing quite well with eating during the day, but often still binge in the evening. One step at a time. My anxiety levels are generally down, in spite of the latest challenges. Work is good and the staff changes are wonderful.

The pool is closed for maintenance this week, so I'm missing that, but my foot is improving enough that I've been walking a little. The x-rays showed no new fracture, but an old one that was aggravated.

I see Talaria again on Friday morning, and am looking forward to it.

Be well, friends!
Love, elly

It's Friday!

I'm tired, but it was a good first week of work, and I went for a massage after, which always makes me feel better. My body is less sore but still bruised.

I got another call from the insurance company and they confirmed that the van is a total loss. They offered me more than I expected and less than it's worth to me. They also told me to get shopping because I only get one week more for the rental. They originally said 3 days! Anyway, I guess I'll be spending the weekend van shopping.

I'm still feeling pretty good most of the time, but during the night is often the hardest. My eating has been quite good 50 % of the time and not good the other 50 %. However, I've stopped stuffing myself to the point of pain, which is an improvement. Keep on swimming!

Love, elly

I like drugs!

I feel 70 % better emotionally than I have in the past 6 months, at least partially due to drugs. I feel better physically than I have for the last 2 days, at least partially due to drugs. I've added a herbal "rescue remedy" to my traditional drugs, and am using clary sage in my infusor when I go to bed. Any side effects from any of them seem minor in comparison!

I appreciate a new book from Pete called "when the body says no". Thanks!
I appreciate a lovely visit with Jessie Roo. Thanks for making the drive!
I appreciate the gorgeous rental vehicle I have, a Chrysler town and country...posh!
I appreciate that Mary's back in town!
I appreciate Cory's words of wisdom and the "talking to" I got. I needed that!
My kids (and spouses) and grandkids are my biggest blessings. I have no words...thanks for loving me!

Love, elly

Sore!

That's what happens when you rearend someone in a big truck with a big trailer hitch. The van is much worse off than I am though, and is probably a write-off. Kelly and Danny and the boys are fine too, but shaken up and bruised from seatbelts.

Other than that catastrophe, I continue to feel better.

Ice packs and bed for me.
Love, elly

Sleep, glorious sleep!

I think it's still the drug increase, which might lessen over time, but I've had several nights of pretty good sleep, in spite of the 3 hour nap. It was the second day in a row that I've had only a very little, low key anxiety. Again, I'll take it while it lasts. I'm pretty sure I need to consistently be in this calm place before we can start reprogramming.

Thanks to Cory for sharing her pool with me and kids this week. Huge thanks to Larry for the kind comments, which made my day, and he claims are true. Thanks to Jessie for reaching out. Big thanks to Danny for sharing chores and food.

Much love, elly

Tired

Drug tired...I had a 3 hour nap this afternoon! On the other hand, I feel pretty good. It might not last long but I'll take it while I can get it.

I had another session with Talaria yesterday which was difficult and painful and exhausting, but good. I think I'm starting to understand where I need to get to before we can get to the reprogramming part. I also haven't felt the need to totally stuff myself with food today either, which is a good thing because even my stretchy clothes don't fit any more. One of the things I'm determined to work on over the next 2 weeks is not feeling guilty or ashamed about that. Trust me, that's a huge assignment!

I guess that's all. I'm going to be patient with myself, as this too shall pass. Thanks for your continual love, support, and positive energy.
Love, elly

I hate drugs

However, I'm accepting the fact that it's better to try it than what I'm doing. I saw the Dr again today and, while I appreciate that he doesn't push the drugs, I believe he knows that they can help in the short term. He's increased my medication again and has added another to be used when things get tough. He wants me to try it out before I go back to work next week.

I'm having a massage later this afternoon and see Talaria again tomorrow. That's all I have the energy to tell you today.
Love, elly

Hanging out

For the next few days, Grace, Em, and I will be hanging out together; getting haircuts, nails done, reading, watching movies, playing games, walking dogs, and belching...lots of belching. Oh and ice cream...lots of ice cream.

Love, elly

Joyful moments

I tried 3 different days to post some pictures of the people who have been making my life bearable. Unfortunately, I've either lost the ability to perform said task or the technology just won't cooperate.

Some of my favourites were of Larry talking with Daniel and Sam, and other shenanigans, Grace and Penelope reading together and Penelope walking Phyllis down the sidewalk. I'm truly blessed.

I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lots of people I love as well, and even feel like I've been helpful from time to time. The rest of the time I spend trying to convince myself that I'm no crazier than anyone else I know. My self care seems to be going to the dogs, but I get up every day (eventually) and try again.

It'll be another busy week with Em and Grace visiting, and appointments later on.

I'll just keep on swimming!
Love, elly

It's a good kind of tired

However, the aches and pains I could do without! I gardened all day yesterday, and today I painted all day at Tim's. It's been a while since I spent that much time on a ladder, but it honestly feels like the best way to deal with the anxiety, so I'm doing what works.

I'm really looking forward to a visit with Larry tomorrow, sleepover with Sam and Daniel, and then Jen and Tim's crew on Saturday! Yeah for all the lovelies in my life!

Love, elly

Patience

...has never been my strong suit. However, I'm gonna learn to get better and better at it. I remember years ago trying to physically force the feelings out of my belly, and I could never get enough pressure to push it out. I'm realizing again that the gentle easy way might take longer, but I believe it will be more effective.

Today Talaria had me practice a calming technique that we will continue to work on as we progress through the desensitization section of the treatment. She had me go through it once and then start by describing a very low stress situation, then following with the exercise. Next appointment we will also continue to do more work with my parts, to which I have added ashamed and daredevil.

I asked her before I left when she thought we might start on the reprogramming part and she told me that she is consulting with someone else later in the week, but she suspects that we will have 10 or 12 sessions to firmly establish the desensitization and make sure that she understands what's going on with all my parts. She said that this is partly because she thinks I have complex PTSD, rather than simple. The biggest difference apparently is that in complex, your body actually feels like you're going to die. I guess it explains a lot about why I feel this so much in my body. It was a little disappointing to know it will take this long, but I do feel like it's the right approach for me.

I also think I might have to make a career change, because it seems when I'm most anxious that pulling up weeds, digging in the dirt and planting things is exactly what I need. I've had to spread my skills to Kelly's and Tim's houses!

I also faced something about my marriage today that wasn't easy, but it went better than I feared. Onward and upward!

I claim my right to calm, healthy, healing energy.
Love, elly

Awesome day

Every aspect and part of family life, all generations and relations, are the true definition of love. I'm truly blessed!

Love, elly

Sybil?

I'm still excited about my session this afternoon, but when I thought about describing it, I immediately thought, they'll think I'm nuts! Which, of course, I am, but you already knew that.

Initially I was disappointed not to be getting to the reprogramming yet. However, my friend Lee, who does this work, assures me that the more prework that's done, the safer people feel, and the more effective in the long run.

Apparently, the brain stores memory related to trauma in a different way than regular memories. With a regular memory, if you get new information, you can change your perception of what happened, thereby changing how you react or respond to it. However, with trauma memories, the brain isolates them, so they are not available to new knowledge or learning. As well, every time that memory is triggered, the brain increases it's stone walls around that memory, to the point that you may eventually not be able to function in a world where we must change and adapt on a daily basis to thrive.

So today we started a dissociation table. I imagined a safe room with a table where I sat and I invited as many parts of me as I felt comfortable with, to sit at the table. As far as I can remember, I brought angry, sad, scared (terrified), smart, scared of smart, generous, joyful, and possibly one more, who I can't remember. No Pete, it wasn't forgetful! Then we started looking at each part, identifying an age associated with it, and looking at jobs, conflicts and alliances between each part, etc. It was very informative, interesting, and even entertaining at times, as I imagined the interactions between them. I'm so grateful for the 20 plus years I've already spent in counseling, because I'm not sure I'd feel this comfortable otherwise. Having said that, it's not a party.

I'm hopeful.
Love, elly

Up and down

The last 2 days have been a real mix of struggle and comfort. Generally, I'm more anxious in the morning and then often better later on. I'm also still getting a lot of headaches, which the Dr says is from the medication. It's also the reason I opted not to increase it again when I saw him last week. Combined with the shortness of breath I already had from it, it's a good thing it's helping!

I had an adventure today with my daughters in law and their kids. We went to the water park at Bingemans, and got rained out just when we were ready to leave; perfect! We stopped for ice cream on the way home too.

I'm having supper with an old friend tonight and I'm looking forward to that.

I see Talaria again tomorrow, so I'm hoping to make some progress there, so I can eventually decrease or eliminate meds.

I'm worth the trouble!
Love, elly

Rough day

...lots of anxiety. I think it was partly the stress of watching the Olympics, but mostly that I didn't do enough. I didn't accomplish much. So tomorrow if I can't face doing the things that need to be done around here, I'm going somewhere else and do something there.

This, of course, is my fabulous family pic, which is worth waiting for.

Everyone deserves a family.
Love, elly

Birthday party

I had my whole family together at Valens for a day of bbq, games, swimming, boating, fishing, and a family picture. It was wondrous, because they are! Happy birthday to me.

I ate chips and chocolate pecan pie, and lots of other healthy stuff. The icing on the cake (or pie) was that I threw the last piece in the garbage so I wouldn't eat it. It was a day of treats, and that's all.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved; there is no existence without both.
Love, elly

Phew

A short note, as Miss P is having a sleepover.

I had some significant anxiety mid afternoon, but I was waiting to hear that P was up from her nap, so I just decided to go early, visit with Tim & Jen, and snuggle with the boys. Problem solved.

I'm connected to those I love, who love me.
Love, elly

Good, part 2

I'm still concerned that I'm just being too lazy, and that I will have to pay for it eventually. I'm trying really hard to tell that voice to fuck right off! I might have to pay, but not today!

In spite of the fact that I know no one cares about the mundane things I accomplish, it helps me to write them down, so feel free to check out. I slept in because I took half a sleeping pill; yeah! I got to the pool and walked the dogs. I thought about getting my bike out and didn't. I lugged an old table up and put it in the van to drop in Tim's dumpster. I moved my work bench into the shed and put a coat of paint on the table on my patio. I found Daniel's health card which I lost yesterday. I read in the rain on my leaky patio. (This is clearly a passive aggressive approach. I'm hoping when Pete gets back from vacation, he'll see if anything can be done about it!) I bought a hoe, a Dutch hoe. I think it will kill the weeds better than any other kind, don't you?

I went back to the Dr today. Apparently the lingering headaches I have are a result of the medication. I can live with it for now, especially because I really think I will eventually be able to decrease or get rid of it altogether. If not, that's OK too. I see him again in September and I will have had 2 EMDR treatments by then. I love that he makes suggestions and lists options and then asks me what I want to do. He also said weight gain is a side effect, which is good to know. I'm still doing fairly well eating reasonably, but I'm not gonna focus on weight loss right now. I'm not recording or measuring anything, just trying to follow healthy guidelines and amounts. If I lose, fine. If not, my main focus remains to keep feeling better. If the meds mean that doesn't happen right now, OK.

I had a lovely supper with my Mia, followed by a browse through the thrift shop. I found a movie I thought the kids would like, only to discover there was a different movie in the case. I had seen the case for that movie too, and spent 15 minutes looking for it to see if they might have been switched. Paula was to the point where she was telling me I imagined it when I found it, only to discover that it had the same movie inside. I was just glad to prove that I didn't make it up!! Lol

For today, I'm definitely less anxious and less depressed. I'm very blessed to have people who love me. Without them, I'd be nothing. I think that's probably true for everyone.
Love, elly

It was a GOOD day!

My anxiety has become much less visceral over the past few weeks and usually feels much more manageable. I think it's time and medication and grandkids. I know there's more work to do, but it was wonderful to realize what a nice day I had; it's been a while.

I didn't sleep well, so didn't get to the pool, but I walked the dogs and showered before taking Daniel to the Dr to have his plantar wart checked out. The Dr told him to put duct tape on it!! I just adore spending time with this kid...we told jokes while we waited.

I had my hair cut this afternoon, made my bed with sheets dried on the line, got a few groceries and dog chews, and read a while. After a nice supper I took some empty pots to Tim and Jen's and dug up some plants they're getting rid of. Of course, the kids had to help, and it was so wonderful to watch them marvel when they actually got one dug out. They're such a joy! I got them all replanted when I got back and then had a cold shower...eek!! It felt great.

I deserve more days like this! (Unfortunately, at some point I'll have to go back to work!)
Love, elly

Learning for the day

A deacon officiated at the funeral of cousin Ted. He informed us that he's married and has 2 children. He performs the sacraments of baptism, marriage, funerals, among many other things. Apparently in 1967 the catholic church restored the office of permanent diaconate, after Vatican 2. It would have been too late to spare me, but I leaned over to my sisters and said, " They should have a lot more deacons and a lot less priests!" He delivered a nice eulogy, even acknowledging that Molson will miss Ted too.

I did a little checking when I got home because it seemed too good to be true, and, of course, it is. If they're already married, they can become a deacon, but not unless they're over 35. If their spouse dies, they are subject to the same rules of celibacy as priests, and cannot remarry. They also must support their family with a career of their choosing, even after retirement. There's no free room and board, and they must show that they can maintain a good family life, support themselves, and serve the church! Of course, they must also be male. Not quite as peachy as he made it sound, and I don't imagine they'll be flocking there in droves. I find it particularly distressing that they have an obvious belief that it's possible to do all this, so I don't understand why they persist in these ridiculous archaic tenets.

Thanks to the support of my sisters and some of my favourite cousins, I managed quite well. The reception after was at the legion and we decided that if we went, we would be late getting back, so we said our goodbyes and buggered off.

I did some weeding in the garden when we got back, but it was too hot to do for long. I still have a fairly intense headache resulting from my massage yesterday, so I'm taking more drugs.

I'm alive, and deserve to live to my full potential.
Love, elly

Catching up

If I had to name my most prominent feeling lately I would name it disgust. I'm disgusted about how I look, feel, and especially smell. I've been watching it for a few weeks and now that I've had a full 24 hours without grandkids, I've realized that it's all part of the shame. The shame that one picks up when you're young and feel alone, unwanted, and unworthy.

So, having realized why I've been feeling that way, I've decided to take my own advice and accept that all the challenges of my life have made me who I am. I'm going to believe in my worth and value as much as possible, no matter how I smell.

Cousin Ted has reminded me that we have a finite number of days to get it all sorted, so I can't afford to waste any waiting for a treatment that hopefully will help me recover. I'm gonna start recovery while I'm waiting, and continue, and continue.

I had a session with my massage therapist today, and I cried during most of it. Not because I was in pain, but rather because she was able to help me let go of some grief and anger that's been trapped in my body for decades. I'm so grateful for her, and the most important lesson I've learned from her is not to force it, but gently let it go. She's a treasure!

I shopped today for clothes to wear to Ted's funeral, because nothing fits me, but I was selective and got 2 pair of pants and 4 tops for $130., tax included. I'm worth it! Much as I don't like that I'm buying larger clothes, it feels good to have a few things that fit and are comfortable.

I think it's a reflection of my decision that I ate well today, not just sporadically, but all day. Later tonight or tomorrow might be different, but one step at a time. I even rinsed a half carton of ice cream down the drain, so I wouldn't eat it. Again, I might still buy more later, but I won't eat that one!

I'm late for baseball with Tim's gang so catch you later.
Love, elly (I'm worth it!)

Kids, kids

We started the day off with a phone call from Australia. Kelly and Danny are there for Danny's sister's wedding to Chris, which is next Saturday. Hopefully their jet lag will be mostly gone by then.

 All 7 of the kids met at the Y this morning. I brought Jason's and Kelly's kids and Tim and Jen met us with theirs. We swam, snacked, went to open gym play time, followed by a trip to the Aberfoyle market, followed by ice cream (I think it might have been the most delicious ice cream I've ever had!). Tim and Jen carried on home and the rest of us went to the park to play and walk the dogs. We played games and wrestled this afternoon and I dropped Em, Grace, and Sam off at Jay's just before supper. Daniel is watching a movie and I'm EXHAUSTED!!

As far as my anxiety, it was the best day I've had in ages!

I deserve to enjoy my body and move freely.
Love, elly

Grandkids

I'm pretty sure that I didn't do a very good job of describing how and why my grandkids have such a positive impact on me, so I'm going to try again.

As adults we all learn to adapt our behaviour to our circumstances and the company we're in. We decide how much to share, what we can ask, and what tone the conversation will have. Certainly some of the kids are old enough that they have picked up bits and pieces of this learned behaviour. However, at heart they are still mostly not influenced by others. They don't have a filter on what they say, and ask and tell whatever they want. They are generally much more genuine and grounded than most adults. I think it's this quality that makes it easier to be around them. If they're upset about something, they're gonna cry or yell, or both. If they snuggle, it's because they want to cuddle. If they're having fun, they'll laugh right from their boots. It's just easy to be with them, and I never have to guess what's going on with them. They never judge me, even if I'm tired, set rules, or get a bit grumpy. They so obviously love me and are so down to earth that I don't ever imagine that they'd be better off without me. It's the purest form of love that exists.

Yesterday I met with Talaria again and we started the initial stage of EMDR, being setting up the protection process. We reviewed and assessed all the different ways people disassociate from their bodies, what that looks like for me, and some strategies. I ranged from 0 % to 90 %. She also reviewed how she measures how long to continue each session and what it will look like. My friend Lee told me to watch out to make sure I wouldn't go too fast and to make sure of my protection. I think even she would approve.

I had a great day with Daniel, even though I had a brutal headache for most of the afternoon. In the morning, all the kids are coming swimming at the Y. Yeah!

I am strong and healthy.
Love, elly

Ups and downs

Yesterday morning I did really well...I spent it with Daniel and Sam. When I got home I totally crashed and was very agitated and anxious for the rest of the day. I did not even attempt to login to the CRA site or walk the dogs, which was on my agenda for the day.

Today I woke up feeling pretty much the same, but eventually got up to take the dogs for a walk. It was still humid but much cooler than it has been, which makes it a little easier for Lucy to enjoy a good run. While I was out I figured I should take advantage of the rain we had and the cooler temperatures to do some gardening, which would also keep me active longer. I spent the rest of the morning digging and pulling weeds.

The rest of the day was not as bad as yesterday, and I completed my CRA task from yesterday, as well as some laundry, as well as this post. I also ate pizza for 3 meals in a row: supper last night and both breakfast and lunch today. It's hard to not believe that I'm just totally pathetic, but I'm continuing to remind myself to be compassionate.

I deserve to be cared for in a healthy loving way.
Love, elly

What's going on?

I've decided, for several reasons, to describe as accurately as possible, what's been going on for me. One reason is that saying it out loud, by writing it down, helps me to gain clarity about it. The other thing is that I'd like to have as much awareness as possible before I start the EMDR treatment Friday.

Let me start by saying that it's a very visceral experience for me. It feels like the things I'm experiencing are in the cells of my body, and as such, are inescapable. I have some thoughts about why that is, but can't seem to get it into words. More accurately, I'm too afraid to.

Intellectually, I know that I'm blessed with many people in my life who love me. However, I'm having difficulty accessing that information, so I don't feel that love in my body. It's almost as if my brain and my body are not communicating. I think that's why it's different with my little ones, because they squeeze me, and kiss me, laughing and talking, slamming into my body with their big personalities, so my body can't ignore them. They make the connection between brain and body for me.

It's the same with other activities like work or household duties, self care, and self esteem. There's lots of evidence that I'm good at my job, a functioning adult, capable of taking care of myself, and that people in my life appreciate and value my contributions. However, the amount of anxiety that I won't be able to do whatever it takes to do something as simple as renewing my health card, is mind boggling. So I do little bits of things, and when I start to feel scared or overwhelmed, I switch to something else, read or play games to distract myself, sleep to disappear, or eat to numb myself. I survive from moment to moment.

That's not to say that I'm totally without resources though. I've figured out that if I pay twice as much for the bills when they're due, that I don't have to face paying them as often. If I can't get out of bed to the pool, I keep trying to get out for a walk. If I wake up during the night with disturbing thoughts or memories, I read, so that I'm not stuck in the Shit. This still means I'm tired in the morning, but not as anxious or agitated. If I have 3 nights in a row that I don't sleep well, I take a sleeping pill, so that the anxiety isn't exacerbated by fatigue. If people ask and sincerely seem to want to know how I'm doing, I tell them. If not, I try to reach out to people who I know care, so I can have a sort of reality check with them. I'm trying to blog a bit earlier so that I'm not too tired to put some reasonable thoughts together. I've also dug out some old cards that I used years ago when I was doing counseling and am using them to give myself positive affirmations. That's why I'm including part of that at the end of every post. I'm trying to focus on one thing every day to relearn that positive self talk.

So, last night after I blogged, my anxiety went through the roof. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the timing of it. It just is. However, I was able to dig out the form I needed for my health card, and simultaneously discovered that my licence was also due for renewal. This morning I took both forms to Service Ontario, and didn't even get to sit down before my number was called. Done and done. I got to the pool and took the dogs out for a walk. Done and done. I was able to have a visit with my friend Lee this afternoon and return her recumbent bike that I borrowed to try last year. Done. This post was the last thing that I had for my goals today. Done.

In the moments that I feel grounded, I'm extremely grateful for each one of you.

In spite of everything, I'm glad that I'm a woman; a woman with awareness that there are some small parts of me that feel more male than female.
Love, elly

Undecided

I saw my doctor today, as a follow-up to the increase in medication a month ago. He suggested that I double it again, but I told him I'd be more comfortable increasing by another half. I really appreciate that he lets me direct my care that way, after we've discussed options. Part of me is quite resistant to any increase at all, but I have to acknowledge that I could use some help, so I guess I'm gonna try it.

I'm very stressed about needing to get a new health card, so I'm going to try dealing with that in the morning. I managed a little shopping today, and walked the dogs. I found a dish for squeezing lemons, that has a little pour spout, so it's easier to add to the soda stream. I've been sorting through some stuff to get rid of, so will pack some of that into bags yet tonight. I know it's not a lot, but I didn't have too much anxiety, so I'll count it successful.

I deserve to feel whole.
Love, elly

Hope

I'm going to attempt a post with the clear understanding that I might not be successful. I have abandoned the practice lately because it seemed to be making things worse. I have tried again the past 2 days, but today feels like something might be possible.

On Thursday I met a woman whose name is Talaria. Speaking with her has given me some hope that she might be able to help me. Next week I will start EMDR (eye movement desentization and reprogramming) sessions with her. She has told me that it will never eliminate triggers, but that it should help to decrease my reaction to them. Apparently it allows the frontal cortex of the brain, which is impacted during extreme stress, to heal, allowing it to reengage in a more normal way. No worries about me ever becoming completely normal, thank god!

This morning I actually felt like getting out of bed. I had no heaviness or anxiety and managed to get the dogs out for a walk and read a little before the anxiety reared its' ugly head again. This is the first time in months that I've had time that was reasonably comfortable, except for when I'm with the kids. I think they are so spontaneous and grounded in reality that it's impossible for me to be anxious around them. I'm grateful.

I've gained about 30 lbs in the last few months and Talaria told me to keep being as compassionate as possible with myself about it. That's not easy.

I really want to document my progress during this new treatment, and I will continue to weigh in once a week, but my focus for now will be on feeling better. I'm convinced that once I feel better, I'll get a handle on the eating again. I will only post as I feel able, but will make a concerted effort after each session.

I have a right to a safe place to exist.
Love, elly

Feeling drugged

Tired and sluggish, struggling to get up in the morning, and still eating to fill that hole in my belly. I'm quite sure that it's from the increase in medication and that it will pass, but in the meantime, I'm feeling a little low.

I'm certain that the biggest thing for me to learn now is patience, so I'm just gonna wait it out.

Love, elly

Learning

I'm still doing lots of things that I'd prefer to do differently, but I'm also recognizing some things and figuring some things out.

Right now I move very quickly into criticism and self judgement. If I recognize it right away, I can get back out of it fairly quickly too.

I remember when I first started on this medication that I felt short of breath for the first several weeks, so I'm not surprised that has increased with the increased dosage. I also know that if I keep pushing through it, it will feel better after a while.

I've realized that when I feel most anxious, it physically feels like a have a large hollow cave in my gut. If I eat enough to make myself feel really stuffed, the anxiety feels much less. Understanding why it's particularly difficult not to overeat right now makes it easier not to be mean to myself about it. That, in turn, helps me eat better at least some of the time.

I finally got my bike out for my first ride, so my butts a little sore. However, my heart feels better! The ice cream we rode for was delicious, thanks to Tim, Jen, and the kids.

I think that's enough for today. Much love, elly

Away

...for a renewing, peaceful, fun weekend with my dear friends. I'll be back!

Love, elly

Update

I had a great visit at the Dr. They had me use an iPad before I went in to review my symptoms, and rate each one for severity. When I met with him, I was able to clearly tell him how I've been feeling, even though I couldn't look him in the eye initially. He has diagnosed PTSD, increased my current medication, which is also used to treat depression and anxiety, and prescribed more counseling, including EMDR.

I've eaten well again, swam, walked, had the brakes fixed on the van, shopped for sisters weekend at the cottage...more than I've accomplished for weeks!

Now I'm gonna email the board office to ask if they'll cover the counseling, and if not, I'm doing it anyway!

I'm tired, but this has been the best day I've had in ages, so I'm celebrating!

Love, elly

Progress

I've eaten well today and got out for 2 walks. It doesn't seem like much, but considering where I've been, it feels good. I also made some good progress with the counseling this morning and made an appointment to see my Dr tomorrow morning. I'm going to ask about the possibility of adjusting medication.

I has some playtime and snuggles with the younger Crowe clan last night and the Slessor gang tonight. Together with family is my favourite place to be.

Love, elly

Think positive

I ate a lot of real food, so that's a start. I had a great visit and playtime with some fabulous kids, and that always feeds me. I will not go quietly!

Love, elly

I woke up

It's a new day, with another opportunity to learn and unlearn. I woke up, so there must be something more to do, to try, to accomplish. I'm keeping my eyes open and my heart steady.

Love, elly

I want more!

I'm tired of existing but only really living when I'm with the kids. I'm tired of stuffing everything down with food. I'm tired of waiting for inspiration and motivation or answers to questions that might not exist. I'm tired of wandering around in the dark.

That's all, elly

I'm still here

I don't have any answers today. Really, I don't even know the questions today. But I'm still here, still looking, still trying, still occupying space. Some days that's enough.

Love, elly

Good things

Some days it's tough to find something I feel good about as I continue to struggle my way through this bog I'm in. Today, however, I had 2 things.

I had my usual Tuesday slopitch time with Tim and Jen and the kids, which ends with tubby time and bedtime snuggles with Miss P. I also was fortunate enough to attend a retirement tea for my hero and the best nurse I know. After 43 (I think) years of dedication, my dear sister Cory walked out of St Joe's for the last time as an employee. Their loss!

Love, elly

New day

New tenants moving in.

New chance to unlearn.

New dawn to make a new choice.

New hope for an old broad.

Love, elly

Tired and sore

And grateful beyond measure.
I spent all weekend painting my up house, with help from my kids and grandkids.
Love, elly

Today

I appreciate the rain we got today.
I'm glad I didn't buy a box of ice cream after work.
I enjoyed working with a student who's had a hard time coming to school the last 2 weeks.
I like that I can wear yoga pants to work.
I love looking at the pics of my grandkids on my walls.
9/10 people I work with are a good kind of crazy!!

Love, elly

Brag

I'm not going to pretend that I'm doing well, but I am doing several things well. I am probably struggling a little more emotionally since I got back to a more respectful eating pattern, but that hasn't meant that I stopped. While the emotional discomfort would normally send me running for the fridge, I haven't done so...at least 95 % of the time.

I had a follow up session with the counselor today and I found it went even better than the initial visit. She encouraged me to continue to focus on the positives, as I've been trying to do. She also asked me to tell her what they were so I'd be reminded. She told me that eating, exercising and sleeping well are all part of a good strategy, and to make sure I maintained emotional contact with people I love, because that's also critical.

Today I also got an email from the social worker at the clinic, saying she had another information about the other person who does EMDR, and that she's amazing. I followed up with a phone call and am waiting to hear back from her to see if she might be available before July.

The 2 cedars and the currant bush I planted on the weekend seem to be doing well. I think it's a good sign.

Love, elly

Short & sweet

Some things feel too hard to talk about right now, so I'm going to focus on the good stuff. If that means I'm not writing much, ok.

Tim & Jen have joined a coed slopitch team, which means I get to go along each week to play with the kids. I also usually manage to watch a bit of their game. It's a wonderful way to spend a Tuesday evening. Then when Miss P gets tired we go home for a bath and a battle before bed. ♥

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 222 lbs, 4 less than a few weeks ago.

Love, elly

Got through that!

It felt like quite a bit of anxiety almost all weekend. I managed to distract myself with reading, gardening and getting out with the dogs. The only time I was aware of not feeling stressed was the visit I had with Kelly and the boys. I'm sure it's going to get less again, so I'm just gonna wait it out.

Love, elly

Tired

It was a rather anxiety riden day, and I'm not totally sure why. I have always been stressed by traffic, especially in Toronto, where there's lots of it, but today seemed harder than usual. It was definitely partly that I wasn't driving and so had no control.

It was wonderful to see Larry and he looks great. He seems in good spirits and generally thinking positive. We had a lovely lunch and walked around his neighbourhood, smelling lilacs, and enjoying the sunshine. He's going to be fine!

When I got home I took apart some old garden boxes, turned over some dirt and planted some pansies until I felt better. I'm going to be fine too!

Love, elly

Grateful

I'm grateful that playtex donated a milk crate full of tampons to our students, even though I had to unbox them 2 at a time out of approximately 600 boxes. The ones Peter bought them are almost gone.

I'm grateful to work with some lovely people who like saying fuck.

I'm grateful for the laugh today when the fire alarm went off unexpectedly at school and the fire department couldn't find us. I kind of wish it had been a real fire because the place would have burned down while they were looking for us. Then maybe they would raze the place and start from scratch. When they finally got there, they determined that it was the sensor in the annex that tripped, which is another old building behind the school which we occasionally use. Then no one could find the key for it! I'm grateful that we had to stand out in the sunshine the whole time this comedy of errors was happening!

I'm grateful for grandsons and granddaughters who all have beautiful hair, beautiful smiles, and bad attitudes! I'm grateful for the kind of parents they all have.

I'm especially grateful today for siblings and all the gifts they have brought into my life for so many years.

I'm truly blessed. Love, elly