sigh...

Sewer problems, not new, but still a pain in my ass. They will be resolved one way or another, sooner or later and I don't really care. Strike vote, not new, but a pain in my ass. It will be resolved one way or another, sooner or later and I don't really care. My friend Barbara, one of a kind, lovely, genuine and true, gentle and generous, died last night. I have been blessed to have known her, I miss her terribly, and I really care! My old friend Elenor (82) cried when she called to tell me. I love her so much, it broke my heart almost as much as the news she delivered, and I really care!

I'm eating everything in sight and it makes me think I'm getting close to the answer. I'm also getting mad, which also makes me think I'm getting close to the answer. I'm angry about the people I care about that are sick or dying. I'm angry that the woman who died last week will never have to hear how angry I am about the things she said and did to me, that I never challenged because at the time, it was my job to represent her. I'm angry that the people she lied to about me will never know that they're lies. I'm angry that she never knew or cared how much she hurt me. I'm angry that people are making her out to be an angel now that she's dead, rather than the messed up person she was. I'm angry that people are passing around happy pictures of her. I'm angry that I won't be able to tell her that I forgive her, if I ever get there. I'm really angry!

I might need to talk some more about it, as that helps me to let it go. If I continue to let my anger at her make me unhappy, then I should be angry with myself. The more aware I become, the more I will be able to let it go. She did the best she could, as we all do, but I still have the right to be angry that she made my life hell....and let it go...

Thanks for hangin' with me through that and for listening. I appreciate you!

Love, elly

headache, not new

I'm going to bed...talk soon.
Love, elly

new goal

I imagine that I'm getting to the higher end of the 180s and after some sage advice from an idiot that loves me, I'm going to set a new goal for myself. My goal is to reach 180 pounds again. I made a nice chicken stew in my new cooker and also barbequed some sausage to have during the week. Tonight before I go to bed I'm going to put my steel cut oats in it for the week. So far I like it!

I got a call from my doctor's office this week letting me know that my blood work showed some evidence of a connective tissue disorder, and he wants to retest in 6 weeks. Of course, I've been trying to tell his predecessor for years that there's something wrong with my connective tissue, to no avail. This new guy at least seems to believe me and that's a good thing cause it's getting worse. Yesterday and today my one ankle and knee and the other hip felt unstable and I've had a bone out of place in my hand for about 3 weeks now. My collar bone was displaced but seems to be back reasonably close to where it belongs. We shall see. I'm pretty sure that riding my bike and getting in the pool are good for it! He wants me to start some physio too.

I installed the carpet runner on the stairs today, went to the pool to play for a bit and read. I think the reading has been a bit of an escape lately and I think that is OK. I'm getting pretty bored with all the other things that still need to be done here!

"If you're bored with life - you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things - you don't have enough goals." Lou Holtz

Love, elly

scared

The weeks since school started have had some challenges, but I trusted that I would overcome them and return to a more stable emotional journey. However the last few days have shattered any confidence I might have had and I have felt scared for the first time since starting the program. Scared that I've forgotten everything I learned, scared that I'll revert to my old ways and scared that I'll start to believe the negative thoughts rather than focus on the positive.

I did some reading this evening and am thinking about a few things. I need a strategy for eating, or rather not eating, at work. I know that if I've been out of control at work it is not likely to improve when I get home. I did get to Costco to buy a slow cooker and will try it out tomorrow. I'm also thinking about how I might change some emotional triggers going forward.

I went to help Teresa and Brett with the roof today, but my joints felt too unstable to get on the roof, so I made myself as useful as possible on the ground. It was challenging not to be in the thick of things, but listening to them work I realized that I no longer have the same challenge with needing to be in charge of a project. It was really nice to be there.

For today I can accept that I don't have it under control, but I like the things I'm doing. I will think positive thoughts. I can do this. I will find the way.

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." John Wayne

Love, elly

shame

Shame is what I felt walking out of shoppers with a litre of ice cream; like if anyone looked closely at me they would know that I planned to eat the whole thing. Shame is what I felt at school when I returned 3 times for quiche; like everyone must be thinking, here comes her 100 pounds back again. Shame is what I feel thinking about all the people at clinic I told to have hope, when I can't find any hope or compassion for myself today. Shame and sadness that I'm still willing to listen to negative talk in my head and believe it. Shame and self loathing for all the opportunities and support I've had and still can't hold it together.

I'm having a little cry as I write this, but I do at least recognize self pity when I hear it and I promise I won't be crying in the morning. I'm gonna get my binder from clinic out and start reviewing it. Then I'm gonna hang out at Teresa's house for the day and hopefully help with the roof in some way or other. I'm also going to buy a slow cooker so I can have meals ready when I get home from work next week. If I'm still struggling this much after the weekend, I'm gonna call the clinic for help. Actually I may reread the diet fix, as it really made sense to me and may help.

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough." Brene Brown

Love elly (l am good enough!)

sometimes you get what you ask for

A woman I know who caused lots of problems for me professionally and personally has died. She was only in her mid fifties. Even in her dying she caused me grief, but the most ironic part is that she has spent so many years of her life off sick, saying she could not possibly come to work, while at the same time vacationing and doing renovations. I guess she finally got what she wanted...no more work for her.

She truly suffered from significant mental illness and I was always ambivalent about her working as opposed to being paid to be off, as I believe she sometimes did more harm than good. Regardless she had a heart of gold and I know she always did her best, even when that felt very painful to me. She just had never been shown a better way and I don't envy her life. I hope she is finally free.

I'm still feeling pretty crappy, but plugging along. I had my 1year check up at the bariatric clinic today and the Dr says I'm doing great! I think so too. Also, I rode my bike again! I'm really loving riding.


"Be careful what you wish for because you will get it. Be even more careful what you work for because you will get it even more quickly." Colin Cunningham

Love, elly

getting sick

It seems like everyone around has been getting sick the last few weeks and I thought I was gonna miss it. The cold sore in my nose, scratchy throat and cough confirm that it's not gonna pass me by this time. I'm so tired too, but that's partly because the water softener recharged last night so Lucy was distraught half the night.

Talk soon, love elly

motivated

I got so much done today: painting, cleaning, laundry, naked painting, changing the bed, cooking, dishes, reading, more painting, walking, and then I invited myself to Kelly's for supper and a movie (toy story 3) (read snuggling with the boys!)

The absolute best thing though, was that I felt like doing it. I have done what needed to be done all summer, but mostly my heart wasn't in it. Today, I wanted to get these things done that will make this my home. I was not overwhelmed at all by the things that still need to be done, and took lots of breaks, but really enjoyed the work as well as the play!

Now I'm gonna read in my clean bed and have a good sleep! I decided!!

Love, elly

decisions

It still kinda boggles my mind that sometimes it really is just as simple as deciding something... It feels like I'm right back on track.

After the boys went home I cleaned up the patio again in spite of the fact that it will need to be done again after the door gets cut down. I also put a coat of paint on the living room upstairs and did some laundry and shopping. Apparently lots of people still prefer to buy electric dryers, which pisses me off cause it means I'm not going to have as much choice in the stacking unit I'm putting upstairs. C'est la vie! Shuh appliances seems like my best bet to get what I want, which is not really surprising seeing as most of my other appliances came from there too.

A rewarding day overall, ending with the neighbours drunken music, which is always surprisingly good!

Love, elly

I call bullshit!

Yup, I call bullshit on myself. I'm not sure how I managed it, but maybe it was helped by the beautiful simple supper I had at Mary's last night. However I was able to get clear, I'm just grateful I did. Settling for "no sugar", when I'm struggling with depression is bullshit! I need to be even more careful than normal. If I can decide not to eat sugar, I can decide to eat healthy. When I don't, I don't think clearly, don't sleep as well and gain weight, which sets up the vicious cycle of depression for me. I might still struggle some days, but I had the best day today that I've had in a long while. I ate clean all day, rode my bike to work and over to the General for the orientation session. It was wonderful. As usual, I don't really know how I was perceived, but there were a lot of nodding heads, so at least they shared my experience.

I bought myself a bright orange jacket to wear, some reflective Velcro straps for my pants, and a pair of gloves at the university athletic wear sale. Mary gave me crap for wearing my black jacket!

I also wanted to tell you about something that made me happy yesterday. When I drove over the train tracks down the street I thought I saw a phone. By the time I got turned around, I saw it get run over. It looked like it may have had a cover on it, and I had already turned around, so I stopped to pick it up. It did have an otter box on it, but it looked like that had come off the first time it got hit. The screen was smashed, but the phone still worked. At the very least, I hoped to return the SIM card. I took it to school the next day, found a student who also uses koodo, switched out the SIM card, and called the kids dad, who came in to pick it up. They were so grateful!

Adrian and Aubrey are having a sleepover, so that's it for tonight.

"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."

Love, elly

no sugar

As I sort through the things I'm feeling and how I'm dealing with the things I'm feeling I keep using the strategies that seem to fit best at the time. One of the things that is challenging is the number of foods available while I'm at work. Until I can get back to feeling more in control of what I'm eating, I promise myself that I will not allow refined sugar to cross these lips. It makes me feel the worst and I think it is the worst for me.

Tomorrow I'm going to the clinic to inspire others at another orientation session. I hope I can find something inspirational to say, and if not, I hope at least they inspire me!

I still need to go and book my supply coverage for the morning so will sign off for today.

Love, elly

depression

Depression often stalks me a little this time of year. Depression, the sneaky, slimy, bastard that skulks about waiting for something, anything, to throw me off course enough to get a grip. Well fuck you, you sniveling ratface prick!! I do not concede. I know you're there, I see you, feel you, and yes, I'm eating to keep you at bay. Trust me, I'm gonna keep on keeping on until I win.

I called the wellness coordinator at the board office, who is very helpful and supportive. I had something happen at work today that triggered me, and when I called her about it, she shared my concerns, which made me feel a whole lot better. She will address it at her end and I don't care how it works out, now that I've had my say about it and I know she heard me.

I am continuing to work at improving my sleep hygiene, using my happy lamp, getting in the pool, ride,ing,  walking the dogs and eating as healthy as possible every day. I'm satisfied with that. If I still don't feel any more in charge of it in another 2 weeks, I'm going back to the Dr to talk about other options. I would rather not increase my antidepressant again, but will if I need to.

I had a wonderful impromptu visit with Terry and Karen, and as usual, having a visit with real people really is good for me and makes me happy to be alive.

Thanks to Tim, Mary, and Pete for the words of encouragement; it all helps.

"Scientists have demonstrated that dramatic, positive changes can occur in our lives as a direct result of facing an extreme challenge - whether it's coping with a serious illness, daring to quit smoking, or dealing with depression. Researchers call this 'post-traumatic growth.'" Jane McGonigal

Love, elly

yawn!

The tiredness just drops over me like a wet blanket. One minute I'm sitting here feeling fine and the next I can hardly make it to the bed or get my clothes off. Is this just me?? Does this happen to everyone as they age? Holy Shit!!

Gotta go before it gets worse, and it gets worse fast!!

Love, elly

tired

I have resolved as much as possible to blog before getting into bed. I am just too tired most of the time to get it done otherwise. I fall asleep during, wake up an hour later, sometimes several times. Some days I have to go back to check what I wrote the next day to see if it makes sense.

If my sleep patterns don't improve soon, I'm going to have to go back to the Dr, and I hate going there! Some afternoons I'm falling asleep in class. I've also been waiting for almost a month for this appointment for ultrasound on my shoulders and when I called today to check the time, I was told that I didn't have an appt. She said she didn't know who booked it, but told me to come on Thursday anyway and they would try to fit me in. Frustrating. I booked it the same day I booked my mammogram and she had the record of that!

I'm probably still eating too much, but definitely doing better with selection. I didn't have time to get to the Y this morning after blood work, but I did drive the van back home and ride my bike to work. Tomorrow for sure, back in the pool.

Here's an interesting tidbit; I paid the lawyer's bill today for the change of wills and power of attorney, and the separation agreement. However, we have been trying since November to get Rogers to sort out our accounts with changes we requested before our separation, to no avail! I gotta figure out some other place to do business!

Now I'm going to bed to read for a little before I fall asleep. Wish me sleep luck. Mary, is there a sleep saint?

Love, elly

procrastination

Sometimes you just need to wait... and wait. There are times when I plan or look for something, but the perfect solution eventually presents itself, if I just wait. I've been trying to figure out how to hang up my electric toothbrush, as the hanger is long gone. I've looked at hooks, small shelves but nothing suited. When I was talking to Kelly about it she said, "I think it could still be hanging in the bathroom at home." Sure enough, it was still on the wall on Raglan St and had never been removed. It is now perfectly supporting my toothbrush. I often find the same is true for lots of things; they need their own time to resolve.

I am doing slightly better with my eating. It will resolve in time.

Some things cannot be postponed however. They include telling people that you love them, visiting the dying and any opportunity to see 90 year old Tante Ida, which I did this afternoon. It was a bonus that some of our cousins that we grew up with were there too! She is still just as lovely and down to earth as she was back then. No wonder she was mom's best friend.

I'm having some blood work in the morning and hope it's finished on time to still get in the pool before work.

Love, elly

continue

I continue to struggle with eating and sleeping. I continue to be confident that I will resolve it. I made myself stay up a bit later in the hopes that I would sleep longer. The result; I fell asleep before blogging and am awake at 2:40 instead of midnight or 2. I continue to problem solve and I'm hopeful that getting back in the pool will help. That should happen sometime next week, I think the 15th.

I'm going to try to sleep some more...

Love, elly

sad news

My friend is dying but I'm happy that I have been able to see her several times and hope she will be able to visit at some point again soon. I had to tell her today that the husband of our good friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer today as well. Our friend also asked me to tell our "old" friends (90 and 83), which I agreed to do, of course. I not only am so sad myself, but feel so much compassion for these others who are sick and old and still have to get sad news. I'm self medicating tonight and I promise tomorrow I will not. Actually I'm stopping now and going to bed.

Love, elly

birthday

A person very special to me had a birthday today. He is kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic, generous, sweet, loving, honest, creative, funny, engaging, and an extra son to me. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. He is far from perfect, but never gives up, which is exactly the way I like 'em! Happy birthday Danny, and thanks for being born!! Thanks especially for choosing to be part of my family, idiots that we are.

Bits of trivia: I forgot to take rain gear to work and had to ride home without it. I love working with these kids at school; it's really a good job! Burgers Priest makes mighty fine burgers, and wonderful fries. I'm a lucky Grandma! I love my memory foam bed. Someone is coming to see the house tomorrow. I have an appointment for ultrasound on my shoulders and can't find the paper I wrote the date on.

Love, elly

darkness

In the daylight I feel hopeful, joyful, free. When the darkness sets in, as it does this time of year, it seems I struggle to even articulate my own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it sounds to me like I'm asking for forgiveness, or that I'm feeling righteous or trying to justify myself. Things that I'm sure I understand don't make it past supper, the witching hour. Sometimes I think I should just go to bed when I get home, but I know that's not the answer. It's better to be active and productive as late as possible, but my body forgets that, so after a long day, I sit. Maybe this is what the early stages of dementia feels like... It's always a struggle to write after that point of the day, and yet it feels even more important to do so. I think not being able to be in the pool is really exacerbating an already difficult time of year, and walking and biking are the only things saving me from myself at this point.

On Monday I weighed in at the Y at 182 lbs. I continue to do great with food, until the witching hour, when all hell breaks loose, in one form or another. This morning I dropped in to see Adrian and Aubrey and brought the leftover pudding cups to them for their lunches, so that I wouldn't sit down to them again tonight. I'm either the slowest learner this side of the Congo, or just an idiot!

I will not go gently into the dark night...

Love, elly

the fence fell down...no post!

this, not that

I had planned to make several admissions, talk about cheating in it's various forms and set myself straight. In the meantime, a wise man suggested I ride my bike somewhere, which I did, and I got myself straight. I might still talk about it sometime, but not today.

Today is for covering holes for sewer clean outs, shimming support posts, cutting holes in closets for laundry appliances, taking peaches to a dying friend, talking to sisters, reading, patching holes in walls, sorting toys, moving routers, walking dogs, making steel cut oats, and yes, biking! Indeed a perfect Sunday without the confession.

"Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week." Joseph Addison

Love, elly

all over the map

I am really missing being in the pool. It is closed for 2 weeks, one for routine maintenance, and the extra week to remove the slide and build a new office. I have considered going elsewhere, but I still want to go before work and then ride my bike to work, so time constraints don't allow for that. I have been taking the dogs for a long walk instead, which is causing some minor discomfort in my one knee, but nothing serious. My perineum is quite tender after the week of riding twice a day, but not enough that I would consider not doing it. It's been awesome!!

My eating has been very unpredictable this week too, at times feeling fine about it and at other times feeling pretty out of control. I'm definitely more tired than usual and it's always harder to control when I am tired. I try to just go to bed as the Dr suggested, but then I'm still awake a few hours later and still dealing with it. A work in progress!

I cleaned off another layer of sawdust today and sorted through all the paperwork in and on the filing cabinet. Tomorrow I hope to actually get it organized. I also sorted the remaining boxes still sitting around.

Emotionally I feel all over the map too, sometimes feeling fine and at other times a bit down. I've started using my happy lamp regularly again, as this time of year always means less sunlight being back at work, combined with the natural progression of the seasons.

Love, elly

older, but wiser

I just can hardly believe how tired I am after work. It is not a physically demanding job. There are only a few students in each day, so it's not busy at all yet. Yet, I'm so exhausted when I get home that I'm crawling into bed after supper. I still think that's better than staying up and eating everything in sight, which I tried, but doesn't work well for me!! I feel like I'm back on track with eating and am taking supplies of food to work a little at a time in my new backpack...purple plaid Roots for $20 from Costco! Older maybe, but definitely at least a little wiser.

My bike riding is going very well. I'm not too uncomfortable and have accepted that I need to deal with the traffic that exists on my preferred route. I took the back streets one day to see if it was doable, and while it was, I quickly decided the extra hill factor was not worth it. Yup, older, but at least a little wiser.

Does anyone have experience with helmet mirrors?? I'm looking for more new equipment!

I came home today to see the gaping hole in my bathroom covered with a beautiful, custom built, pine door, that doesn't impede my access to the hole and the stuff stored therein.  I couldn't find anything about that that might indicate any additional wisdom, but that doesn't change how fantastic it is!! Thanks Pete!

Due to the ongoing renovations, I have had a lot of "clear" bag garbage, that only gets picked up every 2 weeks. Yesterday when I got home from work, I realized that at least 3 bags and my outside can were just crawling with maggots! I double bagged them and asked if I could get rid of them in the dumpster at Jason and Anne's. Jason picked them up and took them away for me, telling me it was a good thing he loved me, cause he wouldn't do this for anyone else. I thanked him profusely and realized that what he said is so true. We really can do a lot of things willingly when we really love someone. Thanks Jay!! Yup, at least a little wiser.

That's enough wisdom for today. I don't want to use it all up in one day!!

Love, elly

wow?

It was a relaxed first day of school; staggered entry. My bike ride there and back went well, albeit a little damp on my way home. I need to follow Pete's example and buy some equipment. However, when I got home, I crashed! I ate 2 big muffins and lots of snapea crisps and then had to lay down. I went right to sleep and didn't wake till almost 10. I'm not sure if the one triggered the other or were unrelated. Regardless I need to get better prepared as I don't even have good groceries for bike travel. Tomorrow=shopping.

I weighed in this morning at 18 2 or 4...can't remember!

Love, elly

courage

Every time I spend time with family and there is someone who is not family, I am so impressed with how the human psyche survives such a bunch as we are; idiots all. I have seen these brave souls adjust to us eating off their plates, knowing everything, arguing even when we don't know anything, foul language (admittedly me!), being loud beyond words, and any other number of irritating habits. As some of these courageous ones choose to join us, I have seen any number of coping strategies develop for survival. I must say that I am grateful for each and every one of them!

 As most of you will know, I have spent most of the summer in some chaos as I transformed my basement into my down house. I have had help from so many of my siblings, nieces and nephews, and occasionally one of these "not quite" or "not yet" family. This past weekend was one such occasion and I don't think I have seen anyone take up the challenge any more bravely than Darren, aka Mitch. He not only pitched right in wherever requested, but he did so with seemingly calm and quiet confidence and good natured humour. I don't know if this stemmed from Sammie's own sense of adventure, willingness to learn and to jump right in while doing so, or if they inspire each other. Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed both of them and admire the people they are choosing to become. Thanks!

I cleaned today, not to be confused with actually having the place clean. I'm quite sure it will be some time before sawdust and stone dust are no longer a routine part of the daily fare. However, unlike my idiot brother, I know that labour day is for resting and celebration, so I made sure I did some of that too.

Tomorrow I return to my more conventional work, with the significant difference of the union work I have done for so many years now. I am looking forward to a job I love without the daily conflict and frustration of that added to it. Stupid people who are still learning are so much more enjoyable than those who have decided to stay that way! Wish me luck!!

Love, elly