There is no doubt in my mind that my parents had a deep and profound love for each other. They survived a great many things that most of us don't even have to think about. War, poverty, isolation, and scarcity were just a few of their hardships. They must have been perpetually exhausted to boot.
While I know that this love saw them through their whole lives and it was obviously the right choice for them, I can't imagine any of us choosing it. I remember being shocked as an adult when one of my sisters asked mom if she had to do it over again if she would. She readily admitted that she wasn't sure. She had hoped as a young woman to become a nurse. She wouldn't elaborate, but I have often wondered since whether their love actually brought much comfort with it.
Imagine a life where you had so many children, because you believed that you had no choice, that this was god's choice for you. Imagine the 3 miscarriages that mom had, with no time, support or energy to grieve. Would you even grieve if you already had 9 or 10 kids? Imagine having to trust the decisions that your spouse made because there was never time or energy to discuss how you felt about anything. You each had separate jobs to fulfill with very little time actually spent together.
I don't think they taught us about love by modelling it. A sunday afternoon snuggle would have been the closest we ever came to seeing love exchanged between them, being a church enforced day of rest. Church, milking, cooking, dishes and homework still needed to be attended to. Most of the time I don't think they even modelled very good parenting. However, I still think their greatest gift to us was each other. We were all in the same boat and I think we turned to each other naturally.
I make no judgement of them. I'm certain that they did better than I could have. I can acknowledge that I'm angry that neither of them knew what the priests did to us, and at the same time, I know that they did the very best they could with what was available to them. It was a different time and surviving was their greatest need. We live much easier lives in most ways and have the luxury of saying "I don't want to just live; I want to be happy too." It was a luxury not available to them. I have the option of treatment that was unheard of in their lives.
It's taken a lot to put these thoughts down and there is so much more I could say, but this is enough for now. I stand by my claim that my siblings were my first teachers and my kids and grandkids still reap the benefits.
With love and gratitude, elly
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Good day, eh!
I had a quiet, calm, relaxing day. I felt great all day. I did as I pleased and all of it was good for me.
I find it interesting that Pete's comments about positive, loving, nurturing reflected almost exactly my own when I was asked. I said that mom taught me about perseverance and commitment, but the most significant gifts and learning about positive loving relationships came from my siblings. I don't really know how we came to do these things so well for each other without them being modelled, but indeed, it seems so to me. I still treasure the love and acceptance that I continue to receive, that is totally undeserved. I don't mean that I don't deserve it, only that I never have to do anything to deserve it. It's the same with my kids and grandkids.
Today, I feel that there is enough for me, and that I am enough.
Love, elly
I find it interesting that Pete's comments about positive, loving, nurturing reflected almost exactly my own when I was asked. I said that mom taught me about perseverance and commitment, but the most significant gifts and learning about positive loving relationships came from my siblings. I don't really know how we came to do these things so well for each other without them being modelled, but indeed, it seems so to me. I still treasure the love and acceptance that I continue to receive, that is totally undeserved. I don't mean that I don't deserve it, only that I never have to do anything to deserve it. It's the same with my kids and grandkids.
Today, I feel that there is enough for me, and that I am enough.
Love, elly
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Experimenting
Today when I saw Talaria we tried out different ways to do the bilateral brain stimulation. Some people like watching something that moves from side to side, so your eyes go back and forth. She also showed me bilateral tapping with the your hands, either on your legs or arms, headset with alternating beeps and a vibrating thing you hold in both hands. I really liked the last one and we tried it out a few times. It's like holding a small stone in each hand and they vibrate alternately.
The first thing she had me do was to practice one of the relaxation strategies while holding them. After doing that twice, she asked me to talk about something that had happened recently that was hard for me. She asked specific questions about how it felt to have that happen. Then she had me do the same thing with the relaxation strategy. The first part is to help the brain implant the strategy, and the second part gives me an idea of how we will take the more traumatic memories from earlier on and use those strategies to help the brain reprogram our response to those memories. Quite fascinating!
We also spent some time discussing some of the positive nurturing and loving I've experienced in my life, not just from my parents, but from anyone. It was wonderful to talk about all the blessings I've received from all of you, and how grateful I am for you.
I'm tired, but excited. I'm hopeful. I'm extremely grateful.
Love, elly
The first thing she had me do was to practice one of the relaxation strategies while holding them. After doing that twice, she asked me to talk about something that had happened recently that was hard for me. She asked specific questions about how it felt to have that happen. Then she had me do the same thing with the relaxation strategy. The first part is to help the brain implant the strategy, and the second part gives me an idea of how we will take the more traumatic memories from earlier on and use those strategies to help the brain reprogram our response to those memories. Quite fascinating!
We also spent some time discussing some of the positive nurturing and loving I've experienced in my life, not just from my parents, but from anyone. It was wonderful to talk about all the blessings I've received from all of you, and how grateful I am for you.
I'm tired, but excited. I'm hopeful. I'm extremely grateful.
Love, elly
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Well, that's done
I imagine there will still be more pain when I get the new insurance bill, but the rest is over and done. I had the careless driving charge reduced to fail to turn left to avoid collision. That's only 2 demerit points and it cost me $240. It was the best case scenario. I was fairly anxious until I spoke with the prosecutor, but waiting to plead guilty and the rest of it was easy enough. I never want to do it again though!
My Adrian celebrated his 6th birthday today and it's hard to believe that he's growing so fast. I am truly blessed.
I also got to have a wee visit and a squeeze with Miss Avery, which was nice too.
Much love, elly
My Adrian celebrated his 6th birthday today and it's hard to believe that he's growing so fast. I am truly blessed.
I also got to have a wee visit and a squeeze with Miss Avery, which was nice too.
Much love, elly
Monday, October 24, 2016
Nice weekend
I honestly can't remember when I last felt a relaxed as I did this weekend. My sweet Paula came over to help me sort through a pile of paperwork. However, Rogers wasn't cooperating so we went shopping instead. I bought several sweaters and a jacket that reminds me of mom. When I got back the Internet was all better. I enjoyed an early birthday celebration for my oldest Sissie with a wonderful meal lovingly prepared by my next oldest Sissie.
Sunday I slept in, did some chores, and had supper and a movie with the Slessors.
Tomorrow is my court date (careless driving), so if I can come through that feeling as good as I felt on the weekend, I'll be laughing.
Love, elly
Sunday I slept in, did some chores, and had supper and a movie with the Slessors.
Tomorrow is my court date (careless driving), so if I can come through that feeling as good as I felt on the weekend, I'll be laughing.
Love, elly
Friday, October 21, 2016
Wish list for education
Peter's rant response inspired me to say a few more words on the subject of ideal circumstances for education. No one who makes decisions about it would ever pay any attention, so why not?
I think that 25 % of teachers should be let go permanently, and another 50 % should be retrained; by students. It's probably stretching it to say that 25 % are OK, but I honestly think that the system probably destroys 15 % of those because they have to jump through ministry hoops constantly, and the hoops keep changing.
There's interesting evidence that children learn best when they play. All the new early learning programs (kindergarten) use play based learning. I've also experienced time and time again, that if a student isn't engaged, it doesn't matter how smart they are. I think combining these premises would result in play based learning right through school, which would become more experiential as the students age. They should study the things that interest them and the essential skills they will need in life should be built into those experiences. Curriculum should be developed to suit each student.
Some part of the day MUST be spent doing something physical, preferably outside. Again, there should be enough selection that everyone can be doing something they enjoy.
The only testing should be at the students request and if they want to measure their skill levels. Other than that, the teaching team should be scored on how well the students engage. Don't test the students, test the teachers.
I think the team should be provided with whatever tools they need, but I don't think they should be paid more. I think that would only result in people being hired for the income, instead of a love of learning. However, EAs and ECEs should be paid better. All educators should have better preventative benefits, such as massage, etc.
Educational assistants and ECEs should never be under the direction of the teacher, but should be a real team. SWs, YW, etc should all be on the team and used as needed. I think that this is probably one of the most important parts of an ideal system. I know that lots of schools never really get to experience this and it's hard to describe how amazing it is when it works. I count myself very fortunate that I have no reservations about expressing my opinion about a student to any of the teachers or principal I work with. They often ask me what I think we should do and my opinion is respected and valued.
Now that I have that all sorted out, I'm tired.
Love, elly
I think that 25 % of teachers should be let go permanently, and another 50 % should be retrained; by students. It's probably stretching it to say that 25 % are OK, but I honestly think that the system probably destroys 15 % of those because they have to jump through ministry hoops constantly, and the hoops keep changing.
There's interesting evidence that children learn best when they play. All the new early learning programs (kindergarten) use play based learning. I've also experienced time and time again, that if a student isn't engaged, it doesn't matter how smart they are. I think combining these premises would result in play based learning right through school, which would become more experiential as the students age. They should study the things that interest them and the essential skills they will need in life should be built into those experiences. Curriculum should be developed to suit each student.
Some part of the day MUST be spent doing something physical, preferably outside. Again, there should be enough selection that everyone can be doing something they enjoy.
The only testing should be at the students request and if they want to measure their skill levels. Other than that, the teaching team should be scored on how well the students engage. Don't test the students, test the teachers.
I think the team should be provided with whatever tools they need, but I don't think they should be paid more. I think that would only result in people being hired for the income, instead of a love of learning. However, EAs and ECEs should be paid better. All educators should have better preventative benefits, such as massage, etc.
Educational assistants and ECEs should never be under the direction of the teacher, but should be a real team. SWs, YW, etc should all be on the team and used as needed. I think that this is probably one of the most important parts of an ideal system. I know that lots of schools never really get to experience this and it's hard to describe how amazing it is when it works. I count myself very fortunate that I have no reservations about expressing my opinion about a student to any of the teachers or principal I work with. They often ask me what I think we should do and my opinion is respected and valued.
Now that I have that all sorted out, I'm tired.
Love, elly
Safe state
One of the things I need to accomplish before I start the EMDR is being in a safe state. I used to think of it as a safe place to go to in my mind, but I like this idea better. I need to be the safe place. I need to know how to stay in a safe state. Easier said than done, obviously.
I've been working on an assignment, that has me looking at 7 times in my life that were very difficult, what beliefs I had about myself at those times and how much those times still make my life difficult in the present. I've chosen to start at the end, rather than the beginning, as it seems the earlier hardships are much more difficult. I think all my years of counseling have given me strategies to deal with the things I experienced as an adult, whereas the childhood struggles are still much more painful.
I think this new medication is having a huge positive impact. However, I'm still feeling fairly groggy a lot of the time, and don't trust myself to drive out of town yet. I'm also gaining weight faster than ever. I'm not stressing about it and feel like I'm ready to look at healthier options as my agitation decreases.
People at work are very supportive and the principal makes sure that I know when the social worker bully is visiting.
It was a cluster fuck at work yesterday, but it was the fuckers who think standardized testing is important that were responsible. They get a huge FAIL for their online test. Almost 200000 kids across Ontario, and proctors for all of them, trying to log on at the same time. After 2 hours I finally got on my proctor site, but my student was still waiting. Did I mention that this is a timed test? We eventually got 3 students writing, only to be told at 1130 that they were cancelling it.
Get this; they're not allowed to use a dictionary! It's very like saying that you can't use a calculator for a math test. We're not even allowed to have casual conversation with them, unrelated to anything on the test. When we work with students with extreme anxiety, it goes against everything we do on a daily basis. It's supposed to be a literacy test, but it really only measures how well they perform on command, not how literate they are. Total and absolute bullshit, and a huge waste of resources. The costs, just for today, would be astronomical.
I think this proof that I can still pull off a good rant is evidence that I'm more myself again.
Love, elly
I've been working on an assignment, that has me looking at 7 times in my life that were very difficult, what beliefs I had about myself at those times and how much those times still make my life difficult in the present. I've chosen to start at the end, rather than the beginning, as it seems the earlier hardships are much more difficult. I think all my years of counseling have given me strategies to deal with the things I experienced as an adult, whereas the childhood struggles are still much more painful.
I think this new medication is having a huge positive impact. However, I'm still feeling fairly groggy a lot of the time, and don't trust myself to drive out of town yet. I'm also gaining weight faster than ever. I'm not stressing about it and feel like I'm ready to look at healthier options as my agitation decreases.
People at work are very supportive and the principal makes sure that I know when the social worker bully is visiting.
It was a cluster fuck at work yesterday, but it was the fuckers who think standardized testing is important that were responsible. They get a huge FAIL for their online test. Almost 200000 kids across Ontario, and proctors for all of them, trying to log on at the same time. After 2 hours I finally got on my proctor site, but my student was still waiting. Did I mention that this is a timed test? We eventually got 3 students writing, only to be told at 1130 that they were cancelling it.
Get this; they're not allowed to use a dictionary! It's very like saying that you can't use a calculator for a math test. We're not even allowed to have casual conversation with them, unrelated to anything on the test. When we work with students with extreme anxiety, it goes against everything we do on a daily basis. It's supposed to be a literacy test, but it really only measures how well they perform on command, not how literate they are. Total and absolute bullshit, and a huge waste of resources. The costs, just for today, would be astronomical.
I think this proof that I can still pull off a good rant is evidence that I'm more myself again.
Love, elly
Friday, October 14, 2016
...and then this happened
I think I was almost happy today. All day, except when Lucy got skunked.
Love, elly
Love, elly
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Hi
It was a pretty good day.
I still have lots to figure out, but I'm getting little glimpses that make sense to me.
I'm not going to Florida, and I'm OK with it. I plan to spend a few days with the girls before they leave.
I'm still tired, but I think with a bit more time, I will adjust and feel more rested.
So basically, more of the same, but better.
Love, elly
I still have lots to figure out, but I'm getting little glimpses that make sense to me.
I'm not going to Florida, and I'm OK with it. I plan to spend a few days with the girls before they leave.
I'm still tired, but I think with a bit more time, I will adjust and feel more rested.
So basically, more of the same, but better.
Love, elly
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Tough days
There are some days when all I feel is shame, self doubt and hopelessness. However, I have more drugs, again... I don't even know what's helping any more. I am sleeping a bit better, but have managed to gain another 10 lbs. The board denied my leave request so I guess I'm not going to Florida unless I can pull a rabbit out of my ass.
I'm sorry, but I haven't got more, so it will have to do.
Love, elly
I'm sorry, but I haven't got more, so it will have to do.
Love, elly
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Hanging in
I know it would be good for me to blog more often, but I just don't always have the heart for it. I'm mostly doing "ok", with the occasional great and the occasional bad trigger. This week's was our old social worker spending the afternoon at the school. I've asked to be notified when she's coming in future and got permission to go home any time I need to.
I'm still waiting to hear back from the board office about a request for a week of unpaid leave in Nov to go to Florida with a few of the girls. They've changed their policy and don't want to approve it. I see my Dr in the morning, so if I still haven't heard anything, I'm going to see if he'll write me a note to see if that will help.
I think one of the biggest obstacles for me continues to be lack of consistent sleep. The other is my ongoing struggles with eating respectfully. I know I'm making some progress, but it seems so slow and I'm discouraged. I'm also getting quite anxious about my court date coming up later in the month. Hopefully I'll be able to take someone along for moral support.
My friend Gina became a grandparent for the first time this week. I'm thrilled for her. My family continues to be my rock!
Love, elly
I'm still waiting to hear back from the board office about a request for a week of unpaid leave in Nov to go to Florida with a few of the girls. They've changed their policy and don't want to approve it. I see my Dr in the morning, so if I still haven't heard anything, I'm going to see if he'll write me a note to see if that will help.
I think one of the biggest obstacles for me continues to be lack of consistent sleep. The other is my ongoing struggles with eating respectfully. I know I'm making some progress, but it seems so slow and I'm discouraged. I'm also getting quite anxious about my court date coming up later in the month. Hopefully I'll be able to take someone along for moral support.
My friend Gina became a grandparent for the first time this week. I'm thrilled for her. My family continues to be my rock!
Love, elly
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