Judgement day

Self hate and judgement, that's what today was made of. I have made an appointment to see my Dr again, but not with a lot of hope that he will be able to move me from this place. I keep plodding along, not seeing any good alternatives. I think I'll go to bed early and get up in the morning with a better perspective.
Love, elly

Blood, it's in you to give.

It felt like a tough day, generally, but after work I went to the blood donor clinic with Em and Grace. They baked shortbread and made strawberry juice from scratch to serve the donors. Four dog guide trainers and volunteers brought their foster puppies as well. It was pretty awesome. Unfortunately, only one of their party was able to donate, but Jason, Anne, Bonnie and I, all came out to support them. Thank God people like them donate and save people's lives.

Love, elly

Change

Change is hard, even when it's good. I keep thinking that I have all this extra time and I should be doing something, but really I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm not trying to fit in a visit to grand river hospital almost every day.

Of course, I'm still recovering from the tired of those days, so I'm giving myself a few more days to do not too much of anything. Then I have gardening and grandkids to catch up on!

I'm also booking another DR's appointment to look again at medication. I'm still struggling to find motivation and energy.

I'm also trying a different approach to my weight, in that I'm not going to weigh in. Instead I will assess how I'm doing by how I feel and how my clothes fit.

Love, elly

Hello again,

It's me!

The past few months have been a rollercoaster, a parents worst nightmare, a constant battle with exhaustion, and also a time of great gifts and wonderful loving support. I don't want to recount it, except to say that I finally feel like I can take a deep breath again, and that I believe he will survive.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I got an email that I've been dreading and excited about at the same time. I received a copy of the trailer for the documentary called "and I survived". The email said that there is still a lot of editing to do but that everyone filmed will be in it. I'm in the trailer and I had mixed emotions watching it.

It's been over a year since filming and I didn't recognize the calm confident woman I saw. I think I can find her again. I've felt stronger and more rested than I have since Feb. Game on!

The closing comment didn't feel difficult when I made it, but watching it now, the struggle is obvious to me. That's OK too. I also recognized that I've done a lot of work since then and I wasn't triggered by watching it. Progress.

That's all for today, but I hope to be more present here.

Crowestrong, elly

Sitting down on the job

I've finally acknowledged that even my yoga pants, which are stretchy, no longer fit me. I've bought a few larger tops to cover my ever expanding size, but when Paula told me about a place in Cambridge that had nice things, I decided to try for a few pants. While shopping I went into the change room to try some on and sat down on the bench, which is directly across from a big mirror. Now it's not that I don't see myself in the mirror every day, I do. However, I always see myself standing up. It's absolutely amazing to me how different I look sitting down. Everything spreads out and sags so that it looks even more obese than I already see.

So, I spent a few minutes struggling with accepting how I look and then moved on. I bought 3 pair of pants, one of which I now realize is too big, and a few more tops. My belief that I'm ok exactly the way I am persists.

I've also decided that my food choices during this healing time may be up and down and if I'm really accepting who I am, then accepting that is part of it. I didn't ask for this struggle, and it's not my fault that it happened, but nobody ever asks for struggles. Accepting it and doing the best I can is the only helpful thing to do.

So I've decided that my eating goals for right now are as follows. First priority, eat no chocolate. Second priority, eat as many healthy things as possible, but no beating up myself if I don't do as well as I'd like. At least if I don't eat chocolate, then I usually eat lots of healthy stuff too. If I'm eating chocolate, I'm eating everything!

I'm doing better at work, maintaining a professional attitude and language. Better but not perfect, so I continue to be mindful as quickly as possible.

It's been pretty hard to listen to the news these days, as some of these things are very triggering. I'm setting limits on how much energy I spend on it and try to keep my focus on the things I think might be helpful.

Much love to my peeps, elly

Getting my legs back under

The past month has been challenging. I've had some good awarenesses, and also some darkness. I think I'm getting back on my feet a bit and I'm grateful. Not blogging every day makes it harder to remember what I've already told you, but I don't really care and I doubt any of you do either. If I'm repeating myself, ignore me. If I've left out something and it doesn't make sense, just accept that it's often that way for me too.

I talked to Talaria about my concerns at work. I've been unprofessional in some things I have shared and also with my language, in front of students. The things were out of my mouth before I even knew I was going to say them. Considering that I've already been in trouble for swearing in front of adults, I was concerned that maybe I wasn't well enough to work. She told me that it's not uncommon to return to an earlier age emotionally, when doing this type of work. While she agreed that I do need to be in charge of it, being aware is important, and she thinks I'm fine to work. She also told me that it happens with lots of people who work with teens, as part of you tries to meet them where they are. She has been aware of doing that in her work with teens too.

We talked about how much support I get from my siblings and some of their partners. I told her that I had realized again, how safe I feel with them and that I know they help me when I need something. I also told her that I think it's pretty rare to have that many people love you unconditionally and she agreed. I also remembered how much mom and dad relied on their siblings and how obvious it was that they cared about one another. It's truly one of the greatest gifts mom and dad gave us, each other. Their siblings were obviously their best friends too, and they modelled that.

She assured me that the things I'm experiencing are very normal after a traumatic experience and she said that a group she runs for women all tell her the same things. At some point she said "Some of us" who are sensitive feel it even more deeply than others. Again, it told me I'm not alone.

I'm feeling much more like myself again, and I like that. I went to market with Adrian, Aubrey, Penelope, Daniel, Sam and Kelly and then spent the day with Tim's kids. I'm tired, but it's a good tired.

Much love, elly

It's a bust!

Yup, a bust. A bust without a decent bra. Although I did manage to pick up two that aren't horrendous at Wal-Mart, they really don't fit properly because they don't carry bras to fit me there. Apparently the gods decreed that Kelly would be tied up with the fire dept all morning at one of the properties she manages. That combined with the fact that Betty told me they haven't replaced their stock at Change yet had us delay the bra shopping till another day.

I'm continuing to struggle with my self perception. I'm struggling to get back on the wagon and so every time I put something else on that no longer fits, I feel discouraged and upset. However, I realize that it's not very productive and can usually talk myself out of it. Every day I get up to try again. Just keep trying. Just keep swimming. Just keep being as alive as possible in the moment.

I had a wonderful dinner tonight with my daughters. We went to the Aberfoyle Mill, compliments of one of Kelly's contractors. I'm thrilled they like her so much! Tomorrow swimming with some of the kids.

I'm still here!

Love, elly