Holidays

After 2 days of feasting, celebrating and visiting, I'm back on track, food wise. I still haven't seen everyone I'd like to over the holidays, so hopefully some more visiting will happen over this week.
 I received some wonderful gifts, not the least of which are the people I'm blessed to have in my life. I'm grateful!
Love, elly

Progress

I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 209 lbs.

I had a little anxiety adjusting to the change in routine but then got to spend some time with Emily, celebrating her 10th birthday!

Today I got some of my Christmas sewing done, got a haircut, had a massage and got to spend some time with Tim, celebrating his 34th birthday!

I'm continuing to feel better, eat well, walk, swim, and I think the quality of my sleep is even improving...it must be Christmas!

Love, elly

Adventure

I just got back from great wolf lodge, where I spent the last few days with Tim, Jason, and their families. It was an extravagance, but particularly enjoyable to have time with them, especially the kids, of course. Other than that, what I appreciated most about the time away was that I continued to maintain fairly healthy eating. Now that I'm back home, I'm exhausted!

I'm not sleeping the best, so I think perhaps the worst of the drug exhaustion is past. I even think that I'm feeling a little better emotionally. I no longer feel hopeless and defeated. I still don't have much ambition, but the colder weather definitely contributes at least part of that. I will continue to get out and keep busy as much as possible. Tomorrow I'll start some Christmas jobs that I want to get done.

I'm encouraged and grateful.

Love, elly

Keeping on

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 214 lbs. I'm tired all the time and I fall asleep whenever I sit down. I'm not inspired to do anything except be with my grandkids. I'm hoping in time as I adjust to the medication that will all get better. In the meantime, I'm continuing to eat fairly well, so I'm very grateful for that.
Love, elly

Today

...I ate well. I feel a little like the new medication is stealing any energy I might have, but it's just over a week so maybe I'll adjust. It wasn't a bad day and while that's not great, it's also not bad. One today at a time!
Love, elly

Keep walking

I know that the desire to abstain does not mean that I'll have the determination to abstain, so I'll keep walking until I do.
I know that despair doesn't disappear overnight, so I'll keep walking until it does.
I know that medication takes time and patience to see results, so I'll keep walking until I do.
I know that I don't always appreciate everything that I am blessed with, so I'll keep looking until I do.
Love, elly

Sleepless in Guelph

I hope this is an aberration and not a side effect of the medication. I was wide awake for all but 3 hours last night. It could also be that the Dr suggested that I stop using the melatonin until after I see how well the new drug will work and not to confuse the issue. I'm pretty tired tonight so I'm hoping I'll sleep.

I helped Kelly and Danny install their basement floor today and just loved the comraderie. The floor looks pretty darn good too!

I've been thinking about something and getting my head wrapped around it...we had a community alcohol and drug worker in to the gym class to do a presentation on the continuum of addiction. She said that it's possible to work at harm reduction in any of the early or mid stage, but that the only remedy for total addiction is abstinence. I know they really encouraged us in the program to add controlled portions of treats. I remember being really panicky about it. I wonder how I'd be doing if I had just trusted my instincts. Regardless, I think it's a worthwhile objective: to get back to treating myself like the true addict I believe I am. That's my goal for this week.

Love, elly

Gift

Sometimes even when I know that I didn't do much to help, just being around people I love is wonderful. Sometimes following a little girl around all day to make sure she's safe and having fun is the best medicine. Sometimes it's OK to just be. Today was a day like that and I'm grateful.

On Thursday I started a different antidepressant than I've taken in the past. I have some nausea but it's tolerable and the pharmacist said that the first few weeks would be the worst. I started on half the regular starting dose, as I'd like to take the lowest working dose, and have the least side effects. It seems like even making this decision has helped me feel better.

I've also decided that I don't give a shit when they finish their investigation. She is being respectful and distant, which is fine with me. I refuse to allow the board to harass me even further than she already has. Fuck em all!

Love, elly

I'm hurtin'

I had an appointment with Jonathan today and he agrees that it's time to see the Dr. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. That's all I've got today.
Love, elly