Fun!

I had fun at work today...mostly. We had a mental health day with workshops and speakers. The social worker arranged it and tried to get everyone else to do her work for her. I participated in a big drumming circle and then helped our police officer run the workshop building birdhouses. It was awesome! The SW only got in my face once and I just walked away.

The only difficulty is that we had all kinds of wonderful food and I stuffed myself all day, until I got home. Then I cried for a while during some emails and phone calls from the union office. They have been very kind and supportive and told me how much they miss me and appreciate me. It was nice to hear. I also shared a laugh with the retired vice Pres of the unit, telling her about getting written up for swearing. She thought it was hysterical and would have been cursing right along with me!

I guess the older I get, the more people I'll know who die, but I'm really ready for a break. Tim's long time close friend's father died suddenly yesterday. Please help me send some love to Mike, Angela, their kids and family

Be safe, I need you!

Love, elly

Emotional

I had a rough day yesterday when I heard that the daughter of a Guelph police officer was murdered on Monday. He started with the department at the same time as Paul and we knew him and his wife well. His wife died of cancer when their 2 girls were young and he married one of Paul's cousins several years later, who has several boys from her first marriage. He has been a trustee and our school board chair for many years, so I've kept in touch through work.

It's horrific; unspeakable. At the same time, I feel a bit like I did when Deb committed suicide. My grief is bigger than it warrants. I think I'm transferring some emotional energy from my disclosure and adding it to the normal grief I would feel about these situations.

I'm also quite irritable with people at work who I don't like. They can't turn around without it pissing me off. I've even felt like telling some of the students to fuck off! I haven't, but I did need to leave class once...

I finally heard back from the counsellor and I have an appointment May 5th. Good thing I'm doing so well! Seriously, I think this person will be good and I could have seen someone else a week sooner, but the intake worker actually acknowledged that she wasn't as good. I'll wait.

Tomorrow I'll get back in the pool. I got out for some air at lunch and that helped. I had a lovely visit with Jason's girls last night and Sam visited this evening. All my grandbabies help my heart to heal better than anything else!

Love, elly

Sorer

As is often the case, the day after often hurts more than the day of. I'm fine except for my neck, which is very sore, and didn't hurt at all yesterday. It's often where I feel shake ups.

I'm also still very emotional and teary today, and I think it's good. It's not keeping me from work, but feels real; short lived, but real.

A student had a meltdown today, making several personal and global threats, and yelling and swearing at a student sitting beside me, who had done nothing to initiate the incident. When I asked the student afterwards if he needed some support about it, we were both verbally attacked by other students who perceived my question as a judgement of their friend, who had the meltdown. During the next half hour, I ate a chocolate bar, pretzels, and chips. Otherwise, I ate quite well again.

I returned the leftover chocolate bars to Aubrey, who was selling them for his nursery school. I emailed the social worker at the clinic to ask if I could meet with her. I called the board EAP program to arrange support from someone. I resigned officially from the executive, as past president. I made a few more phone calls, including my hair guy for a shave and chop. It's not perfect, but I'll take it and feel grateful.

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 217 lbs.

Love, elly

Sore

I had a little tumble today while out hiking with Tim's family. I have a few physical aches and pains, but it's nothing compared to the healing in my heart. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful muddy spot, full of flowers, frogs, roots, rocks, trees, birds, kids and dogs. It makes me happy to watch my son help his boys walk across a big log over a pond, and to feel Miss Penelope's little hand in mine as she was climbing up and down the big hills. Jen and I harvested a little moss and we're going to try to make it grow at home. Wish us luck!

I'm attempted to contact everyone that I still need to touch base with regarding the documentary and am feeling better about it. I'm very emotional, but I think that's good, as I've spent most of the time since taping avoiding feeling. I also ate well today and got a few chores done around the house.

Thank you for all of your love and support!

Love, elly

I survived

I think I've probably gained 10 pounds. I've eaten 4 boxes of ice cream, 2 pizzas, at least a half a pound of butter, cookies, squares, sandwiches, etc, etc. I have literally stuffed down every bit of food and every feeling that has come up.

Recounting what happened for the producer, and then picking myself apart afterwards has left me feeling as vulnerable as when it happened. It's like I'm back being 12 and 13, with no protection and no support. I felt alone and powerless.

I like that she asked about what things I did to survive. I realize that I did so much more than survive. As much as possible, I forgave. I yelled and screamed, raged and cried. I nourished and cherished the parts of me that felt beaten and bruised. I found a few good people who helped me know that it wasn't my fault. I learned how to be a passable parent most of the time. I learned to speak up for myself and others and became a good union leader most of the time. I developed and honed my teaching skills and became a dedicated, compassionate educator...most of the time.

I make lots of mistakes and I have learned to claim them and apologize. I keep learning and growing. I keep examining my beliefs and behaviour and making adjustments as I go along. Just as I learned that the church wasn't all bad because one man made some mistakes, I could decide what I believe in day by day. I have kept the religions beliefs that work for me and jettisoned the rest.

He bribed me with food and that doesn't mean that I need to remain a victim, chained to food forever. This week I'm concentrating on my successes. I'm going to tell myself positive, true messages every day. I think I might call the social worker at the clinic and see if I can get in to talk with her and get some extra support. I'm also going to talk to the people I still need to ask about some things I mentioned during the taping and send the email with the details to the producer.

I realize that this is a bit messy and unorganized and that matches how I feel. I'm still here though, and I did so much more than survive.

Love, elly

Update

After a really awesome interview last week, I went to bed and slept for an hour or so. Then I woke in a panic, realizing that I had made several errors and feeling quite anxious that some people close to me might object to being part of my conversation, even though I didn't mention them by name. I hadn't thought about some of the questions she asked, so I answered on the spot. It was pretty much the exact opposite of how I felt after it was first over. I felt extreme shame and guilt for not doing it right.

Even while I struggled through the night, there was a part of me that knew that it was just a reaction to going public and that it would pass. Several days later, I'm feeling somewhat better and have decided to check in with people and ask if they object to the reference. Then I'll email the producer and request that she delete any of those sections. 

I'm still working on accepting that it was good enough, even though I forgot several things I wanted to say as well. It certainly is pushing me to continue doing the things that help me heal, and continuing conversations, even the difficult ones, with the people I love.

I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 212 lbs.

Love, elly

Damn Rogers!

I'm having internet issues which hopefully will be resolved over the next few days!
Love, elly

Done!

I'm home, and the interview is complete. I'm tired but good. I may take a few days to process how I feel about all of it and then I'll tell you more. I'm already glad I did it and I will get my own copy when it's complete, probably a year or so from now.

Thanks for all your support, spoken and unspoken.

Love, elly

Oops!

I'm not sure why but I convinced myself that my interview was on Friday, after work, when it is in fact, tomorrow. It gives me less time to prepare, but also less time to worry about it. Actually, I don't think I'm going to prepare, but will just try to speak from my heart.

I ate a lot better today, except for the homemade chocolate chip cookies they were selling at school.

I spent a bit of time today getting Phyllis to sit in a warm salt water bath, soaking her butt. She's got an abscess that's really bothering her and I'm hoping to avoid the vet. Tomorrow will help me decide.

Anyone with a few extra positive thoughts tomorrow could send them my way and I'd be grateful.

Love, elly

Still full of shit

Kelly finally took pity on me, for my seeming inability to get metamucil, and bought me some. I'm farting up a storm and I have not had any near misses where I thought I was gonna shit my pants, but I'm also not at the point that I'm feeling comfortable either. Basically, I'm still full of shit!

Today I realized that even though it's going to be important to be gentle with myself this week, it's also important that I do the best I can food wise. The cleaner I'm eating, the clearer I'll be about what I want to say on Friday. With that in mind, I was able to eat a good healthy salad among all the other crap I ate today.

I'm still OK...full of shit and crap, but still OK!

Love, elly

Still here

I went to a funeral this morning for a woman my age. She was a beautiful woman with a loving husband (35 years), two beautiful daughters and sons in law, and four lovely grandchildren. Her parents are both lovely people who I've known for years. She and her sister were both nurses and two of the kindest, gentlest angels of mercy this world will ever know. Cory, Mary and I all know her from her time at St Joseph's hospital. I also spent time with her and her husband on the baptism team at St Joseph's Church. They are down to earth, kind people.

She died because she couldn't find any other way to make her pain go away. She died because she couldn't see a way past her depression. She died even though people loved her and she loved people.

Today I'm very grateful that no matter how dark the days may be, I know I will always get through them. I appreciate learning years ago that I don't always have the answers, but giving up is not an option. We still have so much to learn about treating mental illness. She and her husband both had a very strong faith and one thing I know for sure is that god did not abandon or judge her. My god loves her.

I also woke up today to the realization that I'm more than a little triggered by my decision to be part of the documentary called "...and I survived". It's a good awareness and I'm grateful that I took the time to know it. I decided not to weigh myself today and to be gentle with myself. I've also decided to have my good friend Lee with me during taping. If I eat too much of the wrong things this week, I'm okay with that. I promise that I will survive.

Love, elly