kid time!

No blog time, as Adrian and Aubrey are here for a sleepover! A superficial cleaning will suffice for now. Love, love love these boys!!

elly

cooking with gas!

Cooktop is in and functional, even without the sparker, which they neglected to mention would need an outlet in the cabinet. All is well, as I have an empty bbq lighter that sparks just fine! I christened it making a pot of steel cut oats, which I have missed sssoooo much, even spilled it all over the burner!

My living space is almost recognizable again, and I hope to have a sleepover with little people soon. I don't care that everything's not done, the critical bits are functional!

I'm having a hard time adjusting to not being pressured to go hard every waking moment, and feel more anxiety than in the last week's that were insane. I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to take a break and enjoy. In that light, I finally got my bike out today and went for a ride. Not overly long, but I rode like the wind, and man did I enjoy it. I had forgotten how much my body loves the wind in my face. Tomorrow I'm gonna try going downtown to see how much work it will be to ride to work in the fall.

Speaking of enjoying, I love walking outside, rain or shine, to sit and eat or read or watch the birds...right outside my door! It is fabulous beyond words and does my heart good every time I go out there. Huge thank you Pete and Jon!!

Life is good, elly

frustration

The jig is up, no, it's down. Really the jig just wasn't working and I had some door/drawer handles I was drilling 4 or 5 times trying to get them on. What a pain. I finally walked away, went for a walk, read, had a nap and some supper and went back to it. I made a new jig, much thinner, so there was less room for me to accidentally change the direction, and voila, all done! I still haven't figured out how to get them all hanging straight, but Cory couldn't either, so I'm not worried.

I had a struggle not diving into food to comfort and ease my anxiety today, but managed to convince myself there were other ways to do so, and I did them!

Also, I left the lights on in Kelly's van last night (they traded to go to the cottage with something a little more reliable) and went out this morning to a dead battery! I had the keys to Danny's car too, so I walked over there and took it too! Kelly's battery is still dead. Tomorrow I will look for booster cables. Mine are in my van.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 179 lbs, no change. Tomorrow the Culligan man is coming to service the water system, Shuhs is coming, again, to install the cooktop, and best of all, the girls are coming for the day! Hooray!!

Love, elly

day off

I decided it was about time, so I did whatever I wanted today. I went to church, (read garden), I walked downtown and back, had a visit with Anne and the girls, took a lot of cardboard out to the curb, went to Costco twice, had pork roast at marys and sat outside in the rain under my new patio roof...it was just a relaxed wonderful day!

Round two for cooktop install happens Tuesday at 2. Wish me luck!

Love, elly

weekend

yup, and I continue to be overwhelmed, mostly with gratitude for family and friends.  Tues afternoon the cooktop installers return to try again, cabinet is replaced, with significant shims added. Doors are on, hardware started.  Will try a few pics tomorrow.

John, I'm getting to you, it will be worth the wait!

Love, elly

today

Today the guys came to install my cooktop, saying we don't cut the counter.  They called someone to cut the counter.  He came, saying this won't fit.  They said, you could get a smaller one, but you will need to wait for it and pay $1000.  They said you could get an electric one and call an electrician to install it. I asked about several other possible adjustments, they said no. They left and I bought a new cabinet, took apart the old one for the parts I needed, built it, cut off any glued on spacers which were in the way, and tried to fit it in the space as well as possible.  I'm discouraged and decided to start again tomorrow.  They also said the cabinet needed to be attached to the wall, which is as crooked as a dog's hind leg.  Things are coming along, and this is not aids or cancer, so I'm not worrying about it.

Special loving for the journey to Sally, who is dealing with cancer, and all those who love her.

Love, elly

"If you fell down yesterday, stand up today."  H. G. Wells

exhausted

...talk soon. Love, elly

worry

I think there's a problem with my sewer line...crap! Tomorrow to tackle it.

Love, elly

core

I remember back to the first time I felt really truly stressed as an adult, when I felt like I was going to die from the anguish I felt. Until then I really hadn't known that it was possible to feel such physical distress from an emotional reaction. It was when I decided to do some therapy to learn how to deal with it. The only thing that helped the actual physical symptoms was to feel pressure in my belly, so that I could feel the "core" of myself and thereby know I would be ok. At times that meant bending over with my arms wrapped around my midsection to get that pressure, at others, wearing something tied around my waist, or asking someone to sit or push on my stomach.

During the last few weeks as my life has been turned upside down and I live in a construction zone, the only thing I feel I have any control over is making my bed. The rest of my "down house" is in chaos. It has also slowly occurred to me that physically and emotionally I no longer need the outside stimulus to know I'm ok. I feel my core when I walk around here, doing whatever I can, and know that I'm physically stronger in a way I wasn't back then, especially through my midsection. I also believe I'm emotionally stronger, even though things don't feel easier. I feel more ok amidst the chaos.

Many thanks to the many people who show me love and support in so many ways, even though I do nothing to deserve it. Right now, being is enough to deserve it.

Love, elly

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt." Max Lerner

pass

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 179 lbs, and I'm not sure but I think that's back to my pre surgery weight, for a total loss of 115 lbs.

Talk tomorrow. Love, elly

progress

Cory and Mary helped me attach the rest of the cabinets and get most of the drawers together today. I had to return a few that were broken. It's actually starting to look like a kitchen! I'm still amazed at how easily I get tired and discouraged, but I can sure see progress, which helps!

I continue to do fine with my food choices. Tomorrow is weigh day, so will confirm or I will correct again. I'm feeling much more confident in my ability to do so.

To bed early tonight to read for a while; it is the weekend after all!

Love, elly

"If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress."  Barack Obama

...and I especially like this one!

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress." Bruce Barton

thanks

Base cabinets built thanks to Paula; homemade meals thanks to Paula and Mary; advice received thanks to Terry; wishes wished thanks to grandkids; plans made for tomorrow thanks to Cory. I feel loved; tired, full and loved.

elly

"We all have our down days, but it's not hard to smile and say, 'Thank you.'"  Yvette Nicole Brown

year of the chipmunk

I'm not sure if that fits into the Chinese calendar anywhere but I think it should. I know Kylie has been enjoying the little guys lately, but Pete has developed an aversion since they've started moving in. I have been enjoying seeing them around lately until they moved in. The night before last I thought I heard something move when both the dogs were already in bed with me. I figured I was dreaming. Last night there were sunflower shells on my bed, but I figured Lucy must have gotten into them. Well this morning Lucy finally scented the little beggar and was desperately trying to get at him. I didn't see anything but she was relentless, until I finally moved everything and saw him! We were able to get him out without too much trouble, but that's the end of leaving the door open for the dogs to come and go as they please...Anyone have any experience with installing doggie doors??

Terry and Jeff worked their magic and I had a shower after they left! Tomorrow I'm hoping to put some of the cabinets together. A very satisfying day, with a special thanks to Terry for the kind words. I love you.

elly

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." Robert A Heinlein
I think chippies fall into the first category!

it sucks! it blows!

Yup, the shop vac continues to give me grief. Tim suggested I might need a different filter and I think he's probably right.

Mary helped me pick up the kitchen cabinets today, thanks!

I had delicious burgers with Kelly and the boys, yummy.

I got less done today and I'm more tired. My cravings for fresh simple food continues...

ZZZZZZZ, elly

dirt

I got it! Today I mixed and poured concrete to cover the new pipes in the floor. By the way, it's hard work! It's a good thing I'm not 300 pounds anymore cause I don't think I could have done it. Then between the dirt and dust from previous days busted concrete, shop vac malfunction and pouring and mixing the concrete inside cause it was too heavy to carry, my place and I are both officially dirty. I even went to bed without having another shower cause anywhere I sat or lay down I would have been dirty again.

Phyllis and Lucy both managed to walk through the wet concrete too, I love it!

There's other stuff, but I'm too tired and dirty and it's not important. What is important is my gratitude for my many blessings, including dirt.

Love, elly

"A little dirt never hurt anyone." Petra Rooyakkers

you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Even an old broad like me can still learn new things. Yesterday was a very busy day. Jason was here at 8:30, just as I got home from the gym. I helped him when needed with the bathroom door, microwave etc, gave both the dogs haircuts, got some much needed therapy digging weeds out of the front garden, and then met Terry and Jeff when they got here, helping lug concrete out and down to the bottom of the yard, picking up stuff, etc till they left about 9. I was exhausted, but filthy, so I had a shower upstairs, as the tenants aren't here, and then crawled into bed. I woke up about 1 with a migraine, too tired to get up and take something, and just felt really lousy. I tossed and turned for an hour, before I realized I was hungry. I had not eaten as regularly as usual and hadn't had enough food. I got up, had 2 light baby bells and a pint of blueberries. My headache disappeared and I went right back to sleep. So not only am I problem solving and being aware even when I'm tired and stressed, I got up in the middle of the night and ate real food to satisfy real hunger!! It did not even cross my mind to have junk!!

Lots of other wonderful things happened today to, not the least of which include that Jen made me a real supper and I got to play with the boys a bit, and Jeff and Terry got all the plumbing in the floor done, as well as the vents. Epic! I also got more therapy in the dirt and attended a panel discussion with other graduates at several clinics this afternoon. So awesome, and so tired. Did I mention that I finished the jackhammering??

To bed, elly

"The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change." Carl Rogers

popcorn!!

I'm tired, I'm sore, my feet hurt, my back hurts, my hands hurt, but I made popcorn in my new microwave that's attached to the wall, without using an extension cord!! Thanks Jason!

Before I thank Terry and Jeff again, I want to apologize to Karen. I know that being married to a guy with a heart of gold can be tiring when you have stuff at your own house that probably isn't getting done whenever he's here or the many other places he gets asked to help. Thank you for your patience and kindness, it really means the world to me.

I have a large hole in the floor that will get larger; it's all good!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 184 lbs; the price I happily paid for Mary's bread! Thanks Mary. Now off it comes....

That's it for tonight, tomorrow I'm gonna be "all shook up"!
Love, elly

chaos plus

Chaos plus more chaos! I'm doing ok in spite of everything. I got up this morning and went to the pool, which was a very good idea, I've missed it.

At some point yesterday after I got home I realized that I didn't know exactly where a bank draft was, and I know it was careless and irresponsible of me, but with moving down before things were ready and the surprise summer tenant, so many things got moved quickly. It's a substantial draft and I eventually did find it this morning after 3 hours of intense searching, and some assistance from St Anthony. It was in the folder I thought it was in, in a spot I had looked several times. This also is an indicator of the level of anxiety I'm experiencing, but still in the big picture, I'm doing fine.

Today I bought a shower, shower head, waterproof light, microwave, kitchen cabinets, sink, taps...fuck kitchens are expensive! Anyway, got the shower home and it had no bottom. They forgot to give us the extra box. I was ready to return the whole damn thing. It's bad enough they charge what they do just because it's 2 inches smaller than most, and charge extra for the door. I was NOT going to pay extra for the base as well!

Terry and Jeff were here today doing some preliminaries, tomorrow comes the jackhammer. So it will get worse still but it all means it's gonna get better before long. Thanks guys!

It's also challenging to eat well when you have a fridge but nothing else. Right now I'm eating a lot of snap peas!

Love, elly

"In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." Deepak Chopra

Home again, such as it is...

I had a wonderful holiday, walking, talking, reading, biking, gaming, puzzling etc with some very special women I'm proud to call friends. I had a whole day where I didn't eat much but Mary's bread, had a small ice cream one day and some black licorice another. It was wonderful and worth it, whatever the cost. Back to routine now, although there's none of that in my house right now, only chaos.

I went to home depot and looked at kitchen cabinets and will probably go back in the morning to pick them up, as well as a microwave. I'm still having difficulty finding a shower to fit. I have a fridge and gas cooktop, but it won't be installed till later in July.

It was wonderful to get away to a special place to relax away from everything, but it's good to be home again, ready to finish making my home down here.

A special "welcome back to Canada" to Sally, be not afraid!

Love, elly

incommunicado

I will be out of touch for a few days as I'm going to the cottage with Mary et al. I'm really looking forward to it and hope to leave everything undone with no worries till I get back.

I have a tenant arranged for the summer, so it will be a good test run. They will use most of the furniture still upstairs, as well as some dishes and blankets. I will sell it all at summer's end. My fridge comes on Wed, and I'll pick up a microwave too. The cooktop won't be installed till the 25, but I have the bbq, so no worries!

A HUGE thanks to Kelly, Daniel and Sam for their help today, I just couldn't have done it without you. The kitchen cupboards are emptied, and there's only a bit of stuff left in closets to bring down. I'm tired!

Sleep now, pack in the morning.
Love, elly

expect Grace

Auto correct put a capital on Grace and I decided to leave it. I made it up anyway as I couldn't remember the expression and grace is what I often need. It was something about the best way to get something you want is to expect it and so I've been mulling it over.

Yesterday I called an acquaintance, who a mutual friend told me was looking for a house to rent for Sept. I have no idea if it will go anywhere, nor do I care. Today I had a call from another friend whose daughter, son in law and 2 kids are looking for a place for the summer. They are coming to see it tomorrow! I have no idea if it will go anywhere, nor do I care. I will expect good tenants and they will come.

Kelly helped me put casters on the sewing machine and move my armoire downstairs today. It is so much more relaxing and so much less stressful to have someone here to help. Thanks!

I went to another orientation session and they continue to inspire me. What a gift to be able to encourage others! Thanks for the help so I could go, Jen!

My fridge and stove top will be delivered next week! I better get some cabinets! and a sink! and a shower! and some studs and insulation! Ok, take a deep breath, one day at a time...

Love, elly

thanks

I'm quite certain that we need to give thanks way more than once a year! Thanks for apprentice plumbers and coaches. Thanks for grandkids, even when they're busy elsewhere. Thanks for listening hearts. Thanks for electricians, photographers, carpenters, seamstress, roofers, techies, planners, cooks, nurses, drivers, painters, welders, mechanics, and all the other myriad of people who help out. Thanks for the plethora of those people in our family! Thanks for those who work with their hands, those who work with their minds, and those who need to throw their whole body into the effort. Special thanks for those who encourage us when we need a lift, challenge us when we become complacent and see our inherent goodness even when we can't!

I emptied the closet and tore it down today. Then I discovered that the shower I had planned won't fit. However, after a little more shopping, I found one approximately the same size that takes less room because of the door. I still need to stud with 2X2s instead of 2X4s, but it will work.

I also finished the shelves for the other wardrobe today and got all of the pillows, blankets, sheets and pillows put away. I'm quite happy with it and now I just need to get the doors on...but that's a project for another day.

Special thanks to someone. Love, elly

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." Albert Schweitzer

better

Today I did more than just occupy my space. I feel more grounded and less fragile. I cleaned out the bathroom fan and put it back together, got the carpet out of the kitchen, realized that what I thought was laminate floor under it is actually vinyl that will not come apart and go back together, shopped for some doors, which I didn't get and some shelves that I did.

Jeff and Terry came over and we have a plan to get the plumbing under way. Tomorrow I empty the closet where the shower will sit and knock down the wall. I expect that will take me all day, but I'm hoping to buy a shower too if I have time and energy. The chaos continues, but if I just focus on what the plan is for the day, I don't feel quite so overwhelmed.

I'm also taking a little time to read now that I found the ebook I bought! I'm not sure why but it only sent to my old tablet...

My plan tomorrow includes this; "Occupy yourself in beholding and bewailing your own imperfections rather than contemplating the imperfections of others." Saint Ignatius

occupying space

Sam and Daniel were here today and after they left, I felt like I was occupying the space that makes up me, but not much more. I know I'm sorting through some things that I'd rather not and so am avoiding somewhat. I managed to stop eating fruit snacks and start my blog before I did too much damage. The sorting out my mind will happen as it happens...in its own time.

My long time friend called and we had a visit that allowed some laughter about distressing things, which as usual,  takes the power to demoralize out of them. Thank you Lee, for being a friend, especially today!

I continue purging stuff and deciding what goes where. It's a good exercise! Speaking of exercise, I'll be very grateful to be back in the pool in the morning.

That's all for tonight, but I commit to continue to occupy the space inside me, tough as that feels sometimes.

Love, elly

"What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good." Maya Angelou