alternate days

It seems like every other day I'm too tired to do anything but crawl into bed. It's NOT from working too hard or long in the yard or house either! The grass in the back is two feet high, except under the swings!!

I had a wonderful swim and supper at Cory's, with a good crew. Thanks, all! elly

perception

I have been very aware of my self image in the last week or so, since I had my worst crash. It has been quite negative, and I'm not sure why. It's not even when I look in a mirror, but when I look down at myself. As I recover from the crash, it seems to be improving again too, but the whole perception of my body just feels weird. Oh well, I guess now it matches my personality!

I was at the Dr yesterday (the one covering for my dead one) and she told me that it's very normal to still be this tired. In spite of the fact that there is little outwardly to show for it, it is still major surgery and it takes at least 6 weeks to heal. It's not quite 3, so I have a little more time to do...

I wrapped and delivered cookies to the surgeons office today, as I've been too tired after supper to get to Mary's to have her deliver them. What a comedy of errors. The box I packed them in had a scuff on the top, so I taped the card over it. When I got there the office was locked up tighter than tight. As I went downstairs to leave, I dropped the box on the ceramic tile floor. The corner is mashed in, the one corner of the lid is ripped and the cookies are probably smashed. Good grief!!

I had a nice bbq supper delivered by Kelly and the boys and we played until I just had to go to bed!

Love, elly

"The 'self-image' is the key to human personality and human behavior. Change the self image and you change the personality and the behavior." Maxwell Maltz

to bed

Got home late after a meeting....really really beat! (unlike Pete, who is just plain lazy) I promise a longer post tomorrow...but want to mention how great it was to have a short visit with John, Linda, Jessie and Oscar!

Love, elly

brain activity

I really do feel that, for me, this addiction is quite similar to drugs and alcohol. Have you ever tried to reason with an alcoholic or drug addict when they're drunk or high? Have you known any who developed a plan to get sober while they were stoned? Trying to get through to myself when in a food induced stupor feels just like that...my heart is there but my brain just keeps saying, "More!", "Stuff it down!" "Get something else!". I literally feel hungover when I wake up. Obviously, as with all addictions, I'm covering up some pain. It's sad that often it's emotional pain that's not even real anymore, in that I've come to terms with it and moved on, but my brain is so incapacitated that it doesn't realize that. Similar to the way we sometimes worry about stuff that never even happens...

Needless to say, I'm appreciating having some relatively (for me) normal brain activity back today and my choices reflected that. What I noticed more than anything with this restored processing was how very tired I still am. I'm not sure if it's my age making recovery from surgery slower, or just my age, or some other obscure reason, but I do know that if I don't pay attention to it, I will be in trouble again. So paying attention to rest right now is the order of the day, week, maybe month.

I remember when I started at the clinic being sure that I could never eat chocolate or have it in the house. While I now believe that I can occasionally treat myself to chocolate, I also know that it will not reside with me. The chocolate chips I still have are going to school tomorrow, unless someone claims them before that, and the chocolate chip cookies that I got to thank my doctors are going out tomorrow as well...at least the ones that are still left. You nailed this one, Pete!

Thank you for all of the love, support, challenge, ideas, comfort, encouragement, and mostly, for believing in me. elly

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." Dalai Lama

"The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain." Daniel Goleman

shame

It was a better day, so far, and I'm determined that even though it's still been far from ideal, it will end on a better note than the last few have.

I have tossed the remains of the nutella, which I only had in the house for the kids nutella cookie sandwiches, and the remains of a pound of butter and several other items which I can't handle right now. I have not totally abandoned hope that I may be more stable again some day, but until that day comes, they will not be in my house. If it doesn't ever feel secure, I'm pretty sure the kids will still want to visit!

I have laughed a few times today thinking about my request that you not judge me, as I'm sure it was obvious to all of you that the only judge was sitting right here. Regardless, I appreciate your tolerance. It truly does help me to let go of the shame.

I have been certain that everyone can see the 10 lbs that I gained, and I am mortified. Who did I think I was, offering help to others when I can't keep my own shit together?? Going to orientation meetings and accepting their appreciation?? Well, I can honestly still say, at least I can today, that I was the perfect person to talk to them, and if I have another opportunity, I will shamelessly go again.

I'm not sleeping well, I'm still recovering from surgery, I'm still adjusting to living alone, I'm worried about finances for the future, I'm retaining some fluid (I never did do well in the heat, and it's already hot!) and I know all of those things are contributing to my relapse. Blogging earlier when I can, limiting access to certain foods, napping, rereading clinic notes, calling others for support, practicing patience, continuing in the pool, and walking when I can will all contribute to restoring my balance.

I did the best I could today, and that's good enough!

Thanks, elly

"There is always the need to carry on." Marjory Stoneman Douglas

I don't wanna talk about it...

...and I don't want it to be true. However, the reality is that I'm an addict. I'm still an addict and I'm always going to be an addict. This much I know. I'm really hoping that it gets easier at some point.

I am too hungover to talk more about it tonight, but I commit to more information tomorrow. I'm sad and overwhelmed and unfortunately, most importantly, an addict. I believe in the program more than myself right now, but I do believe in the program.

Please just don't judge and send me some love, but no comments tonight. Tomorrow's fair game.

Love, elly

Aubrey's birthday party

It was so much fun after a long day at work, even though I was very tired. It was definitely better having a nap before going to Fergus, but I'm still pretty tired tonight. Dr Rachel's wedding tomorrow so I will try for a nap sometime during the day too.

Pretty uninspired, but I'll take it.

Love, elly

aaaahhhhh!

Sometimes it amazes me just how much of an idiot I can be! I know we generally like being a bit weird, but stupid is probably closer to the reality for me lately.

I have surgery and am determined not to sit at home too long. Good plan, as far as it went. Sitting at home alone for too long would depress me, agitate me and invite extra eating. So, back to work I go, and then expect myself to do full days and feel fine. Not so much...I am tired right out by 3 pm, I'm not preparing good meals, cause I'm too tired to by then. So that tells me that I probably should be resting by noon, rather than over extend. So tomorrow I implement that part of the plan and see how I feel next week. I think the fact that they are able to do the laparoscopic surgery lends itself to discounting that it's still major surgery and I'm old, like Pete!

So after a rough start to the day (eating a chocolate chip cookie right after breakfast) and some support from one of my angels, (thanks Cory!) I learned a lot! That feels like a productive day. I don't mind being an idiot if I learn something from it!

Thanks all, for letting me share my learning, elly

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." Ralph Waldo Emerson

cranky

I'm feeling unsettled, cranky and tired, but can't seem to sleep much...sigh.

Talk soon, elly

life is so tenuous

When I had my surgery and talked with the anesthesiologist I was thinking about Mary's confidence in his abilities, and likewise the surgeon. How difficult it must be to have no knowledge of these people to whom we entrust our very lives and wellbeing. I'm so blessed to have her being my watchdog!

I don't think I mentioned it, but the day after my surgery, my long time family doctor died. He went to high school with Mike G and they were the same age. Having so many professional contacts, he likely had access to the best treatments available, to no avail. I not only feel sad that he's no longer around, but also unsure about my future Dr, as it is such an important relationship, and I really liked him and how he treated me.

Today I had my first real time in the pool since before my surgery, and it felt good. I took it pretty easy, but felt good after too. While I was there a woman who has become a good friend, who I met there, came to talk to me. She is a little younger than me, and was diagnosed with breast cancer over a year ago. She had it removed, had chemo, had the second one removed, had radiation, and now has it back again in her lungs and liver. They started her on chemo again and she decided that she was not going to do that, so she stopped. They gave her 2 to 2.5 years if she took the chemo, but I suspect it will be much shorter.

My dear friend Gina's father died this morning. Her husband of many years died a year and a half ago in his fifties. My dear friend Phyllis's husband died a few months ago and her uncle died last week.

Life is precious, a precious gift, and each person who we share a part of it with is part of that gift. I suspect that doctors take for granted how much we trust them, but I'm resolved to do my best to appreciate every life that enters mine. I think we often have to work so hard to trust others, but what an incredible gift it is to be trusted with pieces of someone else's life!

I weighed in today at the Y at 178 lbs, for a gain of 1 lb, and a total loss of 116 lbs, feels good.

Thank you all, for the gifts that you are to me, elly

Pete, if you have no appreciation for poop, it probably means that you can take it for granted to some degree. I'm so happy for you!!

the present is a gift

...or is that the other way around? Really, it works both ways and that's what today was. A gift, the present, a present, a miracle really. An absolutely perfect spring day, spent outside except for nap time, nap time, kids, perfect kids (read grand!), swings, slides, trains, water, grass, food, friends and dogs. Perfect!

It's remarkable how easy it is to be present in such a present (gift), and yet what stops us from being so present in the "not so perfect" days? For me, it's a switch in that it used to be easier to accept the hard times, feeling that I deserved them, but no more. I also don't believe that I deserve this perfect day, but I'm learning to accept with gratitude.

I'm grateful for Jason back home safe with his family, a purple orchid from my girlies, sunshine, kisses for boo boos, truer than true friendships, activity, a real home, siblings, health, wrestling, poop, forgiveness, learning, and love, mostly love.

That's it, but what else could you possibly need?
Love, elly

"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present." Roger Babson

super tired

Last evening's lack of blog post was brought to you courtesy of Dr Rachel Kyle, and her ensuing celebration...awesomeness!!

I spent a glorious day with Em and Grace today, having adventures with Mary, Daniel and Sam, wishing I was up to working in the garden and knowing I'm not. The last remaining hangover from my surgery is a mid afternoon crash of epic proportions. Today I toughed it out and stayed up till 8, but now I'm completely and utterly exhausted!

Oh Jesus dear before I sleep, don't let the bedbugs bite...
Love, elly

sadness

I had a good day and ate well. Then after supper I ran into some trouble. It took me 2 bags of popcorn, 4 bags of snapea crisps, 3 fruit snacks and I finally was eating the chocolate chips right out of the bag. When I finally got stopped, I realized how sad I really am about my relationship ending. I had a wonderful visit with a long-time friend earlier today and I think that's why it was on my mind. I can know that this is better and still miss hugs and snuggles and the occasional dance with someone I really love. So I've had my cry and back to the program.

That's all for tonight, and it's enough, elly

Pete, I prefer 16 to 14, but have you considered the overlap?

...and better

I'm even still managing the "patience" aspect of things. I ate well today, thanks to Jen, Tim and the boys, and spread it out better too. We also tried grandma's new swings, with one being a big hit and the other needing one more revision...

I didn't need anything for pain today, although I took an Advil when I went to bed to help with any inflammation. I'm still tender, still feel bloated and I feel stitches in my belly, not literally, but am really thrilled with my progress. I walked, went to the dentist, visited a little, watched a movie, did some laundry and made the bed. Not too shabby!!

The window's open and there's a fresh breeze, so here's to a good night's sleep.  elly

"As I get older every year, I'm eating better. As a kid, who can turn down chips and candy? But I'm getting better." Mike Trout

better

I'm still sore, but not as bad as yesterday. I did have a few moments that were a bit dicey, like when I choked on my water and coughed uncontrollably...yikes! I'm pretty much back onto my food routine, except that with not being very active, I'm pulling a Pete and saving too much for the evening. Tomorrow I will make a concerted effort to eat earlier, even if I'm not hungry. I am getting itchy to be doing something more, but get pretty sore when I'm up too much. Patience never was my strong suit, but I'm working on it.

I had several visitors today, who didn't stay too long and I really enjoyed. The office manager from Fergus, who I adore, the greeter from the Y, who I also adore, and a member who didn't know about my surgery, but brought me flowers and a card, thanking me for everything I've done for the unit! It was wonderful. Tomorrow Jen and the boys are bringing me lunch!

Early to bed again, resting, resting, elly

"I'm taking my time. I feel much more confident, and every day I feel like I'm getting better."  Miguel Cabrera

mending

It seems like a long day. I was up a few times in the night to take something for pain, but no more nausea or vomiting. I woke up hungry at 4 and made steel cut oats for breakfast about 5. I showered and dressed about 8 and went around the block. Then I had my ass in the recliner for most of the day till I went out to get yogurt and more oats. The Slessors came for a visit and makeshift supper and I did manage another short walk before crawling into bed.

My throat is still irritated, my belly is quite bloated (remember what they used to do to the cows for that?) and tender, but I think overall I'm doing really well. I started farting too, which is always a good sign after abdominal surgery.

I anticipate more of the same tomorrow, but by Thursday I'm planning on being much better! Send me any lovin' you can spare.

Many thanks, elly

Heaven have mercy on us all - Presbyterians and Pagans alike - for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending.

home again

"All's well that ends well."  William Shakespeare

what a day!

Amazing weather, good health, lovely family and friends and some time digging in the dirt...it doesn't get much better than today. I'm exhausted too, so hope I sleep well tonight.

Love, elly

2 more days

I know it won't be a problem, it's just the waiting.  I've never been good with patience and I know that once it's over, I will feel fine.  I keep telling myself not to pick up this extra tension, but I admit I haven't been very successful in the evenings.  During the day, when I'm busy, I'm good, but when I try to relax, I do the opposite.  Maybe tomorrow, I should just keep really busy right till bedtime!

I had a fun day with Daniel and Sam, went to Tim and Jens to play with Ad and Aub for a bit and have a wonderful supper, thanks!!  I'm hoping I sleep well as I haven't had a good sleep all week. That could also be part of the reason for a little increased anxiety.  A walk in the morning will help too, right Adrian?

Love, elly

good way to end the week

I acknowledge a little growing anxiety about Monday afternoon.  I'm eating to soothe myself some of the time, but lots of good stuff too.  I feel ok about overcompensating briefly and know I will get back on track when it's over.  I actually think it might help my recovery, sort of like stocking up on carbs right before a race.  That's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Kelly and the boys came for supper and Daniel asked to stay for a sleepover.  We are watching a movie, he's having girl guide cookies and I'm having turkey bites.  Mmmmmm, yummy.  We are snuggled together in the chair and will snuggle together in bed too.  It just doesn't get better than this.  We will pick Sam up on our way to market in the morning, as Kelly is working.

I must also give credit to a nerd who has taken our month long staffing process, plugged stuff into his computer, verified process and will have it complete probably early next week, with a few more hours work.  AMAZING!!  I'm very grateful for his skill, ability and nerdiness that drives him to do this stuff!  Thank you, John M.

My favourite superhero is Thor, who is a carnivore. by Daniel

That's all folks, time for more snuggles, elly

wiped out

I haven't slept well all week. In so tired that I watched a BAD movie and ate a lot of yogurt. Could be worse...going to bed.
Night night, elly

the last

Tonight I chaired my last meeting as Bargaining Unit President.  I got a lovely gift and card, but the best gift of all is how great I feel about it.  I have no doubts, reservations or regrets.  I know that I have made a tremendous contribution to the Unit, and that they will miss me for a bit, but I also know that the people who are taking over are capable, dedicated and quick learners.  I will continue to be involved in negotiations and pay equity, but it won't be the daily political grind.  I am just so happy!

There are still lots of things to deal with this year, not the least of which is staffing, but that will get sorted in due time too, some of it maybe even while I'm off having surgery!  Bonus!!

Last evening and a good part of the night I had no power, so no internet and no blog.  I didn't even have to think about doing it when I heard everything start up about 2:30 AM, just rolled over and went back to sleep.

I need blood work done in the morning and forgot to make an appointment, so will have to take my chances and hope I'm not too late for work.  That's it for tonight, other than I did fine tonight with all the extra goodies at the meeting, even chocolate.  Yeah...

Love, elly

a tiny bit of anxiety

When I called the lawyer a few weeks ago, I asked about the possibility of having power of attorney and property settlement done before my surgery.  He said that it shouldn't be a problem, and we should be able to arrange most of it by email.  I have sent him 2 messages with no response, so I was gonna call today but got busy at work and forgot.  Jen suggested that I set an alarm to call tomorrow, but I think I might even just call tonight and leave a message.  OK, maybe both...(done)

Tim, Jen and the boys came for supper' which made it so much more enjoyable.  Then they went home :(

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 177 lbs, for a total loss of 117 lbs; it still just boggles my mind!

In gratitude for the living of today, elly

"Become a worry-slapper. Treat frets like mosquitoes. Do you procrastinate when a bloodsucking bug lights on your skin? 'I'll take care of it in a moment.' Of course you don't! You give the critter the slap it deserves. Be equally decisive with anxiety."  Max Lucado

Vitamin D

Vitamin D, which comes from sunshine, and stands for delirious, delectable, decadent, desires, dawdle, darlings, etc, all of which would be included in a description of my 3 hour hike at Preservation Park this morning.  Most of the time, we didn't even know where we were, but we knew we weren't lost because it wasn't midnight yet and that's our family standard.  Of course it included some of my favourite people, big and small.  The sunshine by itself does something to make me happy, but spending time in the woods with this crew made my day!  Lucy (and probably Sam too) needed a bath when we got home, which is always a sign that she had a good time too.  Actually, I remember someone who passed us commenting about the travelling zoo...damn awesome, I say!

Really, as far as food goes, I can't believe how relaxed I am about it right now, so life is good.

I leave you with this, only because it reminded me about something Pete and I were chatting about today. Love, elly

"There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice."  Joseph Addison

sleep!

...for me, alone! Starting now!
Love to all, elly

Adrian's purple yogurt.

I have never enjoyed fish (or purple yogurt) very much, but in the last year I have realized that I've always had it overcooked. Jen made the most fantastic salmon tonight, one with lemon and dill and one with maple syrup. Amazing!!

Adrian came home with me and before bed he wanted purple yogurt...really dark purple, grandma! So we made purple yogurt and ate it with grandma's new spoons. Adrian wants you to know that he's wearing pull ups to bed now. We read two stories on my tablet.  Good night Adrian!

Pete mentioned his metabolism tonight and I'm still amazed at how mine has changed. As long as I eat at least every 2.5 hours, I'm good to go. I forgot to report on Monday that I weighed in at 179, for a total loss of 115 lbs, and I just can't believe how much I'm eating. Especially in the afternoon, if I get hungry, even if it's only been an hour, I just eat again. The more I do that, the less I eat after supper. I still use a lot of single serving products, but if I'm eating tuna or chicken, I often have a double serving, to ensure I get enough protein. It's really the only thing I measure any more. I always have a rough idea of calories, but if I have enough protein, I don't really worry about measuring my carbs, fat or sodium etc. I eat a lot, and when I started the program, I was convinced that I could never enjoy as many calories as other people...wrong again!! Yahoo!

I love my life, elly

Daniel and Sam sleeping

Daniel suggested the title for my blog tonight and then promptly fell asleep. Sam is already out cold. Their parents are at a movie, where all good parents belong!

I went for my final orientation today and was very well received again. The Lisas were worried I wasn't coming and didn't want to have to figure out how they were going to fill in. They also gave me a lovely card and pot of tulips!