lots of emotions

Today held lots of conflicting emotions for me.

I got a call from the bariatric clinic to start in the morning group :-) I would have preferred afternoons as I can make up the time easier :-( When I reminded her that I would need to make arrangements for work, she said she didn't want me to need to do that and she would call me back if she could get me into the afternoon :-) She called back! I texted the person who first told me of the program and found that she had not gotten a call :-( They don't seem to be offering an evening program yet, as hoped. :-( On my way to the office I realized that the first session is the day of our arbitration :-( We have waited for 2 years for this date :-( I decided that I will call them back tomorrow to ask if they will allow me to go to the first session with the other group. I am thinking positive.

My 2 besties have made this happen for me and I am so grateful. I feel badly that there is no evening session confirmed yet, but am going to think positive about that too. If you have any extra energy to send to that purpose, I believe that we can make it happen!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 251 lbs for a total of 43 lbs. 7 more to my next goal.

In gratitude, elly

"Your intellect may be confused but your emotions will never lie to you."  Roger Ebert

letting go... a little

I ended up sleeping across the end of the bed last night, as D and S meandered around the bed from side to side. They went home about 8:30 this morning and I went to pick up E and G. We met again at T and J's for our monthly brunch and it was wonderful to watch all the kids play together. The food was awesome too!

When we left, the girls and I went to the dollar store to spend the loot uncle T donated. They bought junk and were happy about it. Then Sally, a little snuggly puppy who has been E's bedtime pal forever, needed two paw transplants, which Gramma managed with some flannel scraps. Poor Sally has seen better days, but is still treasured. In snuggly years, she is probably as old as I am. I feel just as treasured as I know Sally is.

After I dropped the girls back home, I picked up soft old M and went to see the Rev's new house, which is a mansion, just like she said. I hope it will be a happy home for all of them!

After I got back home I started to feel really anxious. My gut was in a knot, worrying about things I have no control over. I finished making some applesauce, and put some laundry away, while I tried to sort my head out. I never figured it all out, but I did get back to the place where I know I will be alright. For today, that and the fact that I didn't eat to solve it, will do.

Staying present, elly

Peter, I think I will just stay boring old elly, but thanks for the suggestion.

To all of my family who also happen to be my best friends, I will call when I can.

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell

depression

When I'm depressed I tend to isolate and yet I am so much better when I'm with people. I can spend all day trying to convince myself to call someone and if I finally manage it they are usually no longer available. Or I start to feel bad because I can't think of a reason for them to want to see me because I never call them.

I also had the munchies all day today... connected you think? I think so.

When I was aware that it was bad I went downstairs and did some sewing for the girls. They had asked me to make some sheets and blankets for a doll bed for their cousin. I was also making some cushion covers. The fact that I was busy and thinking about the girls meant that I no longer had the munchies, so more evidence that it's connected.

I am so grateful that K brought the boys over and we went to soft, old M's house for a wonderful supper and a hot tub. The Right Reverend High Mother Superior joined us with all five of her grand babies, and some wonderful chaos ensued. It reminded me a lot of when our kids were all younger and we would spend time together...

So now I'm home with both boys asleep beside me, writing my story. We had 3 of the five little monkey stories before they crashed and we have 2 more for the morning.

I'm not even gonna say what I ate today, but only that I didn't totally lose it. I obviously need to use my lamp every morning during the darker times, especially since I do not want to increase my antidepressant again. I really feel better physically when I'm just on the single dose, at  least I can get out of bed in the morning.

I need to say that the greatest blessing of my life, which I don't deserve in any way shape or form, is my family. They accept my shortcomings and love me anyway. They call and text and email and comment, even when I can't or don't. Trust me when I say that I appreciate the unconditional love and support. It helps me cry and make it to another day.

Thanks to mom and dad for starting the ball rolling, elly

By the way, I did blog last night but didn't realize till this morning that I hadn't published.  Sorry you get two today instead!

"Family is not an important thing. It is everything." Michael J Fox

"Family is the most important thing in the whole world." Princess Diana

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Desmond Tutu

another great nephew!

I was thrilled and very excited to hear that M and J had their little boy 7 weeks early, but all are doing well. He is only 5 lbs, but looks strong and healthy and has good scores. Hopefully they will be back home in Sarnia before long. D and S are gonna love being grandparents!

Another busy good day at work.

I got home just in time to meet K and D picking up the boys from the sitters down the street. D (little) told me I am beautiful and S was so sad I almost cried myself. Paula had arrived at the same time for a visit and brought pizza. He finally stopped sobbing long enough to say he wanted a piece, but after she gave him one he cried again because it was hot...poor little boo bear!

I had a lovely visit with my Paula Mia and had 2 pieces of pizza with salad.  I haven't been very hungry lately but definitely was today. I think I'm processing some emotional stuff and sometimes get hungrier after a treatment. Whatever the reason, I ate more often, but small amounts.  I'm helping happy odd J paint tomorrow so figured I could use the energy.

Lovely, elly

"Welcome to the world little one, we are so glad you've come."  Barbara Lavalle

awake today

I have been attributing all of my "just too tired" to getting older and the necessity to continue working.  In retrospect, when I think about the changes that I have been asking my body to adjust to, I think it is more than likely partly that.  The kinder, gentler me is sticking to that story!

I didn't sleep overly well again last night, and felt pretty tired when I woke.  I had almost convinced myself not to go to the gym, when I realized how dark it still was (6AM).  I got out my happy lamp, plugged it in, lay in front of it for 15 min. and then got up and went to the pool.  I wasn't totally energized, but I got there and did my routine.  I have decreased my dose of antidepressant down to 1/3 of what I was taking and I probably need a little boost as it starts to darken.  It can't hurt...

It was a pretty good day at work and then later this afternoon, I went for a massage treatment.  I always need to be a bit laid back for a few days after, so it was good timing and I have a quiet evening planned.

Thanks for all the encouragement, elly

"Knowing your own darkness is the best method of dealing with the darknesses of other people."  Carl Jung

"We stumble and fall constantly even when we are most enlightened, but when we are in true spiritual darkness, we do not even know that we have fallen."  Thomas Merton

just too tired...

See you tomorrow...elly

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."  Rodney Dangerfield

back on track

I really like that I didn't get all bent out of shape over my lapse yesterday, and also appreciate that it didn't feel like work to get back to usual. It's even weird that I just referred to it as usual, and that it is!

It was a busy day at school and I like it like that. It feels like more kids are open to me than ever before and I'm sure it's partly being more able to focus.  The office has been and continues to be busy, preparing for the arbitration Oct 9th.

I bought Halloween chocolate about a month ago and I haven't touched it. Actually that's not true, as I have shared some of it with others, but have not had any myself. There is always chocolate at the office, and cookies, and nuts and ice cream etc. It used to be one of my biggest challenges and I never thought I would be able to deal with it like I am.  I'm gonna claim that I feel good about it!

Roo, I keep forgetting to answer your question, and I hope you aren't disappointed with my answer.  There has only been one person who has commented about how I look and my weight loss. I am accustomed to that, as the truth is that when you weigh as much as I do, it takes at least 50 lbs before others notice. I'm OK with it.  50 lbs also happens to be my next goal so maybe I'll be able to celebrate with others as they start to notice.  Not that I'm invested in them noticing...

Thank you, all of you, elly

"Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom."  Phyllis Theroux

"As usual there is a great woman behind every idiot.''  John Lennon

setback

Today I have been quietly telling myself all day that I'm not laying flat out on the ground, from falling off the wagon head first.  However, as I write this, I know that is exactly what I have done.  I knew it first thing this morning and I've been flat out all day.

I weighed in at 254 lbs at the Y, for a loss of 2 lbs and  total loss of 40 lbs.  As soon as I saw the number, I got scared that I'm starting to plateau, which is ridiculous.  Not that I might be at a plateau, but that it was scary.  I know that the scare is because I'm not eating very much and if I can't lose weight eating what I am, then I will stay the weight I am...which is still better than what I was, but not where I want to be.  I also think that the plateau will pass, if it is indeed a plateau, which might be a ridiculous assumption anyway, as I still lost 2 lbs.

I'm sure that if I was figuring this out this morning, that might have been the end of it.  But I didn't, so I ate at school, which is never good, and I ate twice as many wings as I needed tonight for supper.

Now that I have that figured out, that is the end of it!

Thanks for hangin' in through the learning, and laughing, elly

"I contend that not only can you laugh at adversity, but it is essential to do so if you are to deal with setbacks without defeat."  Allen Klein

never pass up an opportunity to laugh at an idiot

I had a very relaxing day, except that I'm missing big B (he went to Cleveland today).  The boys went home about 10 and I enjoyed every moment until they did!  I am truly blessed and I know that I keep saying that...sorry, but I just can't keep it inside.  I love being ramma, or gramma, or gamma, or "up"!

I made hummus yesterday, just chick peas, basil and cilantro.  It was super delicious, super good for me (maybe not you Peter), and super easy.  Good thing cause it's all gone and I will need more.

I have also re-discovered bananas and peanut butter/ almond butter.  Ditto above!

OK, now for the ridiculing, though he may refuse to tell me how to turn off the annoying "prove who you are" business when leaving a comment after this.  I am going on record asking regardless and if he won't tell me, I'll have to ask Danny.

Peter has been following my blog, and honestly, he has inspired and cheered me, even when he wasn't trying to.  He has also been trying to catch me in spelling and grammar errors, to no avail.  Then he goes and starts his new blog, which I've been waiting for (http://facefirst-gpa.blogspot.ca/) and presents me with 2 spelling errors and at least 1 grammar error (seen) in his first post, but I stopped counting after that.  Ha ha!  I tried to spell something wrong to make him feel better....

I love idiots, elly

"Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day."  Samuel Goldwyn

glorious day

I had a wonderful day with the boys and I just love being a gramma. Aub is sleeping in the single bed as he climbed out of the crib after his nap this afternoon.  Ad is with me in grammas bed and we just finished reading some stories. He wants to know why gramma is writing a note instead of reading!

It rained but stopped long enough for us to go to the park and swing, higher and higher...

ZThis is from Ad m!kjdswqwetyuigbnbv cxxx. /x

"I woke up and realized life is great and people are awesome and life is worth living." Hulk Hogan

". J.  GB x// fwq we t t kj h. CI miss games" Adrian Crowe

ahhh, Friday

It seems that my weeks are all ending the same way lately. I am so knackered by the time Friday evening rolls around that I can hardly stay up until 8.

I had popcorn for supper tonight and I guess that's fine once in a while.

I'm looking forward to spending the day and night with Ad and Aub tomorrow.

"I eat really healthy and if I'm tired I take a nap."  Casper Van Dien

"You may get real tired of watching me, but I'm not gonna quit."   Harrison Ford

no such luck

John, I really wish what you suggest was true.  Unfortunately, he is a very unhappy man, who thinks he is a christian.

He thinks our students are horrible because they smoke and swear and sometimes fight or get in trouble with the cops.  He treats all staff at the school as if they are lepers, because they work there. He knew they were our gowns.  He knew when our grad was and that we have a big BBQ right after for grads and their families in the parking lot between the school and church.  We even use the church BBQ for it.

If he did call the company, which I highly doubt, they would have told him that we purchased and didn't rent.  I can't imagine that they would suggest he do anything with them, as they don't own them.  Even if he did call, and even if they did tell him that, why did he go to all that trouble to even find out who to call when he could have called us, or walked the 20 feet across the lot to ask us to get them out of there?  He could have called in June before we left and instead I would bet money they were in the dumpster before the end of June. I think he was thrilled that we didn't realize until now that they were missing, so he could point out how long it had been and justify his actions.

If there is one thing I have learned from big B, it's to be realistic. When I was telling other staff what happened I learned that he has been vocal about not wanting us there. He has been rude, mean spirited and has called the police to tell them our students were smoking pot, when they went out for a cigarette. Don't get me wrong, lots of our students smoke pot and worse. Fortunately, not the two he called about, and the police were so efficient they confirmed it was not the case. I'm pretty sure my first evaluation was accurate and realistic.

However, when it was going through my head at 3 AM, I thought about how awful it must be to be filled with so much judgment and  righteous anger. I actually prayed that he could realize some peace in his life, and sent him some loving energy.  I'm not convinced that it will solve the problem, but it can't hurt!

Today after I filled the principal in, she was going to follow up with the priest, who visits us regularly and is proud and happy for our grads.  We will see what happens.  My hope is that he be made to pay to replace them.

I had a busy but good day, and feel so loved by my families, elly

"Our intention creates our reality."   Wayne Dyer

proud moment!

It was a very hectic day today and the next few will be the same. I have two big meetings tomorrow and an arbitration coming up that the lawyer thinks we should drop everything to prepare for, even though they have known about it for two years...

The day started off badly right after I got to work and mass was just getting out across the lot at the church. I had gone over yesterday to see if our students' grad gowns had been left in the church basement after grad, but it was locked so I went back. We have not been able to find them since school started.  As I walked into the basement, the custodian was just coming out.  I greeted him and he walked right past me. He came back less than a minute later as I was looking for the gowns and asked me if I was looking for something. When I told him, he said he called the company to pick them up and they told him he could throw them out, as they were disposable. I said, "but they were ours". Then he says they've been here for more than two months. I said, "two months that no one is there."  He told me that this is a church, not the salvation army.  When I reminded him that it was the church used for our students grad, he told me that lots of other places had their grad there and didn't leave their stuff.  When he tried to point out where the rack was they had been on and said that I could take it, I had to walk out. I never felt more like punching someone in my life!

I went back to school and had to calm myself down before I could even talk about it. Several other people on staff have run into him before, but were still shocked.  The principal was out so she will deal with it tomorrow.

I was still pretty upset when I went to toss my keys in my lunch bag, and saw my food. I had an immediate intense desire to eat everything in it, but it passed so quickly that I almost laughed about how strong it had been.  It was a comforting feeling to know it has less control over me!

As for the man, I pity that he has to spend 24 hours a day with himself! I don't have a lot of hope for the institution of the church, but help like him, nobody deserves. Thank god I have supportive coworkers, as it helped me leave it behind fairly quickly.

"Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact." Bertrand Russell

"I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it."  Judith Sitwell

I do know!

John, obviously Peter doesn't know everything any more, as he still thinks that whole milk and Mary's ribs are bad for me!  However, he is right on target with this one.  It is more painful not to do this than to do it, therefore I'm doing it.

I thought about why this is more painful for me now than ever in the past and I knew right away. In the last few years  I have been more and more aware of ageing and what it is doing to my body.  I have aches and pains that I never knew existed.  I have difficulty moving and sleeping. I'm not as good at driving or directions or remembering names.  Everything is harder than it used to be.  Playing with the kids is harder than I want it to be! Playing in general is harder than I want it to be and I want to play until I croak!

Overall, I can accept that I'm getting older and everything that's connected with that.  I cannot and will not accept it being harder than it needs to be.  Being old I can't do anything about. Being fat I can and will continue to do something about.

Positively, elly

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."  Joseph Campbell

keeping perspective

It was another good day.

Sometimes I get nervous about not really understanding why I'm able to do this right now, as that tends to suggest that I could lose the ability at any time.  I think I won't worry about it as thinking it will end is not the attitude I need. I'm gonna keep the same attitude as I had about my weight at the clinic, which I had confirmation about today.

At the YMCA I weighed in at 256 lbs, for a total of 38 lost.  I also occasionally think that I might plateau, but I've decided not to worry about that either.

I am so sure that keeping things in perspective will be the biggest factor helping me to succeed.  One of the significant thoughts I keep returning to is "Eat to live, not live to eat."  That includes taking into account the decreased metabolism due to my age.  I will do this!

Positively, elly

"One should eat to live, not live to eat."  Moliere

"A little perspective, like a little humour, goes a long way."  Allen Klein

My pants are too big

I have had to get rid of a few pair of pants and some that were tight are loose now.  I don't feel any thinner, but when I look in the mirror, I can see the difference. I still feel just as many rolls as before, but I must admit it feels better to be more comfortable in my clothes.

I have not been feeling as hungry lately and today I didn't realize that I was hungry until I started feeling weak and shaky. I miss that...feeling hungry, that is.

All else continues to go well.

"If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude.". Maya Angelou

still adjusting

A good day overall yesterday. I am still adjusting to getting up at 5 am every day and having a full day, non stop, at work. I was very tired and went to bed early again. I did wake feeling pretty refreshed this morning, and went to the market.

Yesterday afternoon I had a follow up appointment at the bariatric clinic, which I have mixed feelings about. They weighed me and I was 262.4 lbs, which I am fine with, as it is later in the day than I usually weigh in and a different scale. However, what stressed me a little bit is that they asked what time I would prefer, Wed afternoons or Thursday mornings. I told them Thurs afternoon, but if I had to I could do the morning. When I asked when they would know, as I would need time to make arrangements for work if I was doing the mornings, she said they couldn't tell me as they don't even know yet who will be in the classes.  It was a little disappointing, as I have been looking forward to it, but I do know that I will continue on regardless.

I am getting into the garden today and I am looking forward to that.

Mmmmmm, honey crisp apples are ready!  elly

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."  Martin Luther King Jr

great, busy day

Today was a fantastic day at work, in sync with the students' needs and able to find the right way to explain things so they got it!

We had a staffing meeting with the board that worked out the way we hoped, with most people having assignments they could live with!

I went to the office after and was able to resolve a few issues that have been ongoing for some time now.

I left work and went for a massage treatment, which was amazing. I was able to let go of a lot of tension and agitation that I didn't even know I was carrying. It was mostly in my left side today, leg, hip and arm.

Then I went and had a terrific salad with T and J and the boys and played with the boys while they took care of some business.  When they got back, we had some great discussion and I had to drag myself away to get to bed!

I am a well deserved tired, happy, woman...elly

"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserve my friends." Walt Whitman

first meeting done

Today I had my first meeting of the year at the office, which was catered. They served lasagna, Caesar salad and lemon mousse. I had several helpings of the salad and I was perfectly satisfied. I also took my tablet with me and played games when I got bored, so that I wouldn't go to get more food. It worked out well, I didn't get frustrated and the meeting ended early enough for me to drive B to work, even though I was up at 2:30 AM.  I would have called Pete, but it was after 2!  All in all, well played!

My knee is bothering me a bit more as I have been walking every morning while the pool is closed.  I'm sure it will resolve once I am able to get back in the water.

This morning at school I was reminded of how lucky I am and how much I love my work...all these great kids to get to know and be able to help a few. Then I went to a meeting at the Board office and was reminded again of how fortunate I am to enjoy that work too...so many challenging things to work through for staffing and negotiating, it was a satisfying experience.

Living in gratitude, in the moment, elly

"Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Confucius

draggin' my arse!

OK, so being tired is very obviously a huge trigger for me. I could hardly keep my eyes open by 6 pm, but still had the munchies really bad. I decided to blog to see if it would help to talk about it.  I am also reminding myself of how much I want this.

I remember the first time I met the Dr at the bariatric clinic and he was asking me what my triggers were, I mentioned being tired. He suggested that the best thing to do when I am tired, and the most obvious, was to sleep! So, in spite of the fact that it's only 7 pm, I'm going to bed.

Even if I'm awake at 2 am like I was last night, it's still better than eating now.  At 2 am I will probably resist easier than right now.

I love you all and trust that you love me too, elly

"Where there is love there is life."   Mahatma Ghandi

tired of work

Today I forgot that the pool at the Y was closed for maintenance. I got there with my suit on, no workout pants and my broken toe still adjusting to being in shoes. I decided to get on a treadmill for a bit, which gave me a headache and hurt my toe enough that I had to wear my shower flip flops to work. Work was very very busy, with lots of kids who hate math and think they can't do it. That makes it harder for them to do...  I know how fortunate I am that I love my work and there are still times when I just want to play with the kids instead.

Happy birthday to little B and way to go to me for not having cake!

I weighed in today at 260 lbs, for a total of 34 lbs.

I was so excited to hear from the bariatric clinic last week that I forgot to write down when my appointment is. I will call tomorrow to confirm.

Resting, elly

"Work can't kill you but why take a chance?" Phyllis Diller

adjusting

Cool wet day yesterday and mild and sunny today. I'm recuperating nicely from my first week back at work. However, I'm slightly congested and have two cold sores, one is in my nose and the other on my lip...usually an indication that I'm fighting something in my system. I will be keeping things low key again today. I think it may be nice enough to sit in the back yard to read.

I'm gonna stop and take the time!

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."  Bob Hope

what's good for me...

For a long time now I have felt that I am best able to know what is good for me and what is not. It is sometimes difficult to disagree with specialists and intellectuals who all spout their version of the bad and good, but over the years, seeing things go in and out of fashion has helped me to trust my instincts more than ever.

Whole milk is good for me, even if it will kill some of you.  My cholesterol levels are"enviable", according to my doctor.  Milk also helps me to sleep better at times and is always deliciously yummy.  It helps me to dissolve my fat soluble vitamins so that I can absorb them.

Nuts of all kinds (unsalted) are good for me for the same reasons. Olives, avocado, even bacon, in moderation too.

Chocolate, on the other hand is very, very bad for me. It is the catalyst which will feed my addiction and give it the upper hand.  With chocolate, I will never win. It will never be safe for me to have chocolate in any way, shape or form. Chocolate is indeed my worst enemy, but whole milk I'm not afraid of.

I'm also pretty sure that my body/ mind will find ways to let me know if I am not making it happy and I'm listening better than ever.


"Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster."  Sun Tzu

tired and cold

I have had many hot flashes for so long now, about 10 years, that I forgot how awful it feels to be cold.  It wasn't a particularly cold day either, so I can only guess that it's because I'm a little tired.

It was a good day at work, but tired has always been one of my worst enemies, as far as my addiction goes.

Since realizing that I'm tired, after I got home I changed and crawled into bed to read, but still had to get up to put socks on to get warmer.  

It has probably been my biggest challenge yet, feeling like just stuffing myself.  A big bowl of cherrios with whole milk, or digestive cookies with nutella, or a big fat sandwich.  So here I am talking to you about it instead...which is good!

I'm feeling a little warmer now,so will snuggle with the dogs a bit and pack it in early.

Thanks for listening, elly

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say."  Bryant H McGill

excited!

I went to bed last night with a migraine, hoping that I could sleep it off. Unfortunately, that was not the case and I got up at 3 AM to take some medication. I eventually did get to sleep for a while and woke up feeling a little tired, but OK.

I had another good day at work and found more to do, so temptation was not bad.

I got news today that a grievance we have been waiting to have heard for 2 years will be arbitrated next month. Hopefully that goes in our favour.

My exciting news today is that I got a call from the medical bariatric clinic and have a follow up appointment with the Dr next week.  She told me that they hope to start the class by the end of Sept...very excited about that!

I continue to feel determined to keep feeling better, elly

"I'm not a kid any more. And I'm excited for all the amazing things to come."  Paris Hilton (grammar errors are hers!)

PS I didn't hear from anyone that there was no post yesterday, but don't know if that's because there wasn't one...

survived day 1, 193 to go

It was a pretty good first day back at work, but I already know that work will continue to be a big challenge for me. Food is always available at school with breakfast, snack and lunch, and the office often has catering brought in and has nuts and chocolate at the ready all the time.  So far, so good!

My laptop is at the office this week, so I'm trying this on my tablet.  If it doesn't work, you will know nothing about it!  Wish me luck!!!

That's all for today, it will be an early night and I'm gonna chill with the dogs a bit first.

In gratitude, elly

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  Lao Tzu

last day of freedom!

Well it's back to work tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it and will miss the freedom to do as I please and see the kids whenever I want.  I work at an unconventional high school and it's a privilege and a challenge to help the students sort out their stuff enough to enable them to learn.

I brought the old fence to J's today and he helped us have a redneck picnic with the biggest bonfire I have ever seen, with enough breeze to have the fire burning sideways.  We had to keep hosing down the lawn to keep it from drying right out.
Later this afternoon the Slessors came to the Y for a swim, which was a nice way to end the summer. 

This morning at the Y I weighed in at 263 lbs, for a total of 31 and 19 more to goal #2.

I am not setting longer term goals now as I do not yet know what they are.  However I know that I will know when I'm getting close and when I'm there.  My main goal is to feel better and move easier, so I could say that I have already accomplished that, but I want more.  The weight loss is one factor in acheiving my main goal, but not the only one.  Whatever I decide, I need to be able to maintain for the rest of my life, or until I croak...

Thanks for the lovin', elly

"Success is steady progress toward one's personal goals."  Jim Rohn

home alone

Well the last of my motley crew left this morning and I am home alone!  I love and appreciate that my kids let me see them as often as possible, and I especially have enjoyed how much they enjoy each other.   Ad adores D and D just loves Au, S stirs them all up and they all look up to E and G...it does my heart good.

The last few days have gone well, although I have missed going to the Y.  They don't open until 9 tomorrow, so will need to go later than usual , but I need to go.

I have been thinking more about what it feels like to have a true, clear hunger and I often laugh right out loud, especially if I'm laying down when I think about it.  It feels like my stomach is caved in and hollow, and if I put my hands down to touch my belly to feels the rolls and bulges there, it just seems so incongruent that I laugh!

I have been totally lazy today, watched a movie, did my nails, read and watched my neighbours erect a fence between our properties.  (I thought it was a good deal, I paid for the supplies and they did the work!)

I have also decided as I have not heard from the bariatric clinic that I'm going to set another 25 lb goal, just in case that falls through.  I hope that the program goes ahead, but I am doing this, with or without them.

In gratitude, elly

"I just love Au, his toes are soooo soft!"  D Slessor