Fortunately, this isn't one of those days. I've tried several times to post but either the stuff felt too hard, or I was too tired. Several days I sat down and opened the new post, only to sit and do nothing. I've had to acknowledge that it's what it is right now.
It's been a tough few weeks, with no energy or ambition. I know that's partly the result of the medication and partly because I've gained so much weight that I'm uncomfortable and it's hard to move. I hate admitting that I need it (drugs) for the time being, but I also know it won't be forever. I expect there will be some more tough times before I come out the other end, so for now, I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself.
I've been a little busy lately doing laundry, as I try to figure out what's going on with Lucy. I'm starting to think that she might be getting dementia. She has always been well trained, unlike Phyllis, who I had to work with. Lately someone has been peeing in the house. Last week I actually caught Lucy when she peed on her own bed right in front of me. Dogs don't do that. Twice in the past few weeks she's peed on my bed, right through everything. This morning when I let her out, she did her usual inspection of the yard and barked at the neighbourhood. When she was ready to come in I told her to go pee and she had a huge one. I think she's been forgetting to go while she's out. I've also had to tell her several times to come and eat and that is also totally out of character for her. I'm hoping that I'm able to manage her behaviour enough that I don't need to put her down. It sounds like a little thing but I know I won't be able to deal with constant peeing. I keep thinking that I might be on the receiving end of that before long. I can just hear the kids now...Sorry mom, but we just can't deal with you peeing all over the house any more!!
It's almost another week before I see Talaria again, as she is away this month. Then I see her 3 times in Dec. I'm really hoping to get at some of the nitty gritty during that time, and look forward to a bit of a fresh start in the new year.
In the meantime, kids continue to have birthdays, and I'm grateful for any time I get to spend with them. Today was swimming with the 3 girls and Jason and supper and a movie with Kelly's crew. I also got some bills paid, which has been a challenge, and did a little Christmas shopping. It's enough.
Love and kind thoughts to all of you, and a special "of course!" to Gail's question.
elly
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Sunday, November 20, 2016
He was a good man
...and a wonderful grandfather. He was human, so of course he had his faults, but I will miss him and I know lots of others will too. As I snuggled in bed with Sam this morning and told him that his great grandfather had died, he had a few tears. I reminded him that both his mother and he were named after his grandpa Kelly and that he will live on in all those who loved him.
I last saw him a month or so ago, when I drove Kelly (Slessor) up to visit him after her laser eye surgery. After hugging her, he asked how her mom and dad were, especially her mom. She said, she's right here and he proceeded to take my hand as we walked down the hall. We walked outside in the sun and he fell asleep on a bench in the sun, with his granddaughter brushing his hair.
That visit was a gift to me, as things have not always been easy between us. In later years, he made it clear that he really wanted me to be happy. He hasn't been the same since Audrey died, and as his dementia worsened, he wanted to live less and less. I admit that I'm grateful that he didn't have to linger through that for years like mom did. Wherever/ whatever he is now has to be better than that.
I think most children take their grandparents for granted, as I think they should. I'm grateful that my kids got to know him as adults, as they have a much deeper appreciation for who he was. Rest well, Kelly Crowe, and say hi to mom and dad.
Love, elly
I last saw him a month or so ago, when I drove Kelly (Slessor) up to visit him after her laser eye surgery. After hugging her, he asked how her mom and dad were, especially her mom. She said, she's right here and he proceeded to take my hand as we walked down the hall. We walked outside in the sun and he fell asleep on a bench in the sun, with his granddaughter brushing his hair.
That visit was a gift to me, as things have not always been easy between us. In later years, he made it clear that he really wanted me to be happy. He hasn't been the same since Audrey died, and as his dementia worsened, he wanted to live less and less. I admit that I'm grateful that he didn't have to linger through that for years like mom did. Wherever/ whatever he is now has to be better than that.
I think most children take their grandparents for granted, as I think they should. I'm grateful that my kids got to know him as adults, as they have a much deeper appreciation for who he was. Rest well, Kelly Crowe, and say hi to mom and dad.
Love, elly
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Can you say sabotage?
Undermining, sabotaging, believing that I don't deserve to feel better. Really, I know that everyone deserves to feel better, so it's good to know that this is what I'm doing. It's the only way I'll ever be able to change it, and change it I will.
I am inspired by a young man who has had more than his fair share of shit in his life, and yet faces each day determined to do the best he can to face his addictions. If he can keep fighting, I can too!
That's all I want to say about that for now. I want to tell you about something else I did today. I have seen so many people posting things about saying "Merry Christmas" and not saying happy holidays. Apparently inviting god back into our homes for the holidays means excluding others. So I decided even though I really like the person who posted this last one, I commented that all gods are welcome in my home. I figure I need all the help I can get!
Love, elly
I am inspired by a young man who has had more than his fair share of shit in his life, and yet faces each day determined to do the best he can to face his addictions. If he can keep fighting, I can too!
That's all I want to say about that for now. I want to tell you about something else I did today. I have seen so many people posting things about saying "Merry Christmas" and not saying happy holidays. Apparently inviting god back into our homes for the holidays means excluding others. So I decided even though I really like the person who posted this last one, I commented that all gods are welcome in my home. I figure I need all the help I can get!
Love, elly
Sunday, November 13, 2016
The old lady's still fat
For a week and a half I ate really well. Lots of fruits and veggies and reasonable amounts of other things. It felt easy. The feeling that I was enough and that there was enough for me continued. I was surprised, but quite delighted by how easy it seemed.
I was aware that I hadn't mentioned it here, because I was waiting for it to disappear, which of course, it did. I was waiting for it, so what choice was there. Talaria assures me that this is all perfectly normal. (She doesn't know our family, after all!) She says that because some of these defenses have been in place for so many years, it will take time to slowly change.
We only did a very short bilateral stimulation before we ended on Friday, but we did talk more about how I'm feeling. Most of the time I'm doing very well, but it still doesn't take a lot to change that. It's still way better than I've felt for over a year, so I'm still pretty happy about that, in spite of the fact that I weigh more now than when I started the program at the General. I'm trying to continue to keep the focus on feeling well and trust that the rest will happen when it will.
It's been harder than I expected to know the girls are in Florida without me. I guess I should pull up my big girl panties and get over it! Right??
One day at a time, I'm still swimming!
Love, elly
I was aware that I hadn't mentioned it here, because I was waiting for it to disappear, which of course, it did. I was waiting for it, so what choice was there. Talaria assures me that this is all perfectly normal. (She doesn't know our family, after all!) She says that because some of these defenses have been in place for so many years, it will take time to slowly change.
We only did a very short bilateral stimulation before we ended on Friday, but we did talk more about how I'm feeling. Most of the time I'm doing very well, but it still doesn't take a lot to change that. It's still way better than I've felt for over a year, so I'm still pretty happy about that, in spite of the fact that I weigh more now than when I started the program at the General. I'm trying to continue to keep the focus on feeling well and trust that the rest will happen when it will.
It's been harder than I expected to know the girls are in Florida without me. I guess I should pull up my big girl panties and get over it! Right??
One day at a time, I'm still swimming!
Love, elly
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Stories
Many years ago after dad died, mom asked me if I would like to have a ring that he wore when he went to war in Indonesia. He had it made and wore it while he was away sort of like a promise ring, that they would be married when he returned. It was a simple silver signet ring with "Petra" written on it. I loved it and it fit my middle finger so I wore it all the time. She thought because my name was the same as hers that I might like it.
Shortly after mom died, I realized one day that it was missing. I had been out to the old homestead in West Luther and had been to several stores in Kitchener. I retraced my steps as much as possible, looking for it. I left my contact information at each place in case someone turned it in. I didn't go back to the farm because I knew that if I lost it there, I would never find it. After several weeks and no phone call, I accepted that I would never get it back and tried to take some consolation from the fact that it might have returned to where dad started out.
Several months later, I got a package in the mail from Kelly, who was living in Whitehorse at the time. Inside was dad's ring! I was flabbergasted! I just couldn't figure out how it got there. She filled me in when I called her. She and Danny had been home for a visit about 2 weeks before and Danny had forgotten his jacket here. I often mailed boxes to them, as it was inexpensive and a nice way to share some things not available in the Yukon. I added his jacket to a parcel I sent. Because of the weather at the time, he didn't wear it again for several months, but when he did, he found dad's ring in the pocket.
I ended up giving the ring to Tim before he got married when he needed something to connect him to his roots. I felt so grateful that it found it's way to where it was needed.
One of the things I've been doing lately is carrying a smooth stone to rub when I get anxious or agitated, kind of like a worry bead. It made me remember a heart shaped rose quartz pendant I used to have. I got rid of it years ago when I was decluttering and trying to minimize "things". I thought about how much easier it would be to still have it because it was on a string to wear around your neck, it was super smooth and easier than carrying when I don't have pockets.
Danny saw my stone last week and asked me about it. When I told him that I was using it as a worry stone, I told him about the one I used to have. Kelly turned around and said, "this one?", as she picked it up and gave it to me! I've been wearing it ever since.
I honestly don't know how or why these things happen, but I trust that the things and people that we need will be there when we need them.
More tomorrow on my progress or lack thereof!
Much love, elly
Shortly after mom died, I realized one day that it was missing. I had been out to the old homestead in West Luther and had been to several stores in Kitchener. I retraced my steps as much as possible, looking for it. I left my contact information at each place in case someone turned it in. I didn't go back to the farm because I knew that if I lost it there, I would never find it. After several weeks and no phone call, I accepted that I would never get it back and tried to take some consolation from the fact that it might have returned to where dad started out.
Several months later, I got a package in the mail from Kelly, who was living in Whitehorse at the time. Inside was dad's ring! I was flabbergasted! I just couldn't figure out how it got there. She filled me in when I called her. She and Danny had been home for a visit about 2 weeks before and Danny had forgotten his jacket here. I often mailed boxes to them, as it was inexpensive and a nice way to share some things not available in the Yukon. I added his jacket to a parcel I sent. Because of the weather at the time, he didn't wear it again for several months, but when he did, he found dad's ring in the pocket.
I ended up giving the ring to Tim before he got married when he needed something to connect him to his roots. I felt so grateful that it found it's way to where it was needed.
One of the things I've been doing lately is carrying a smooth stone to rub when I get anxious or agitated, kind of like a worry bead. It made me remember a heart shaped rose quartz pendant I used to have. I got rid of it years ago when I was decluttering and trying to minimize "things". I thought about how much easier it would be to still have it because it was on a string to wear around your neck, it was super smooth and easier than carrying when I don't have pockets.
Danny saw my stone last week and asked me about it. When I told him that I was using it as a worry stone, I told him about the one I used to have. Kelly turned around and said, "this one?", as she picked it up and gave it to me! I've been wearing it ever since.
I honestly don't know how or why these things happen, but I trust that the things and people that we need will be there when we need them.
More tomorrow on my progress or lack thereof!
Much love, elly
Sunday, November 6, 2016
More on fàmily
There is no doubt in my mind that my younger siblings had totally different parents than the older ones. I think they learned as they went along and didn't repeat all of their initial mistakes. I think that's true even for the worst of parents.
I'm also aware that my male siblings were treated differently than my female siblings by both our parents. I experienced the boys being allowed to make more mistakes and the girls had the expectation of being responsible. Not responsible for the boys, just to be mature.
It took me a lot of years to realize some of these things, and obviously, they're just my perspective.
I remember when we knew that dad's illness was terminal, I thought about how I could express my gratitude for him. I remembered that he had always loved Ave Maria, and because he loved music in every way, I thought it would be wonderful if all of us kids could sing it together for him. I called an organist we knew who agreed to help us. After our first big practice we had some discussion and I sensed that some people were having second thoughts about doing it. One asked why we were doing it and when I tried to explain, he responded by saying that if he wanted to tell Dad something, he would talk to him. As the conversation continued, it became clear that dad had also talked to them. I had no idea and didn't want to continue with something that the others didn't want so we didn't do it.
I doubt very much that I was the only girl who went, wow, he never talked to me unless it was to tell me what to do when I piled bales on the wagon or in what way I had done something wrong in the barn. As I was the third girl in the family I felt the real sting of not being the awaited son. As such I often went to the field or barn with dad. It didn't hurt that I was always physically strong, so we would often spend all day together in the field during the summer and never spoke 2 words.
I remember once when I was first alone with my kids after Paul left, I really wanted to talk to dad and get his perspective about something. I found the courage to go to him, and before I could even tell him what I wanted to talk about, he told me that I should probably talk to mom. I know he was doing the best he could, but I was devastated.
For many years I also thought that both of our parents were equally religious. When Dad retired and sold the farm he continued to be very active helping at the church, while mom was less so. After dad died, I found that even more so.
I might have continued to think that they took their religious responsibilities equally seriously. When I was a teenager however, I overheard a conversation that led me to believe that having children wasn't discussed because it was her obligation to submit to dad in this regard. As an adult when she came right out and admitted that she didn't know if she would do it over, I honestly felt like she was confirming that. I'm pretty sure that there were times when the last thing she wanted to do was have sex, but I admit that I don't know that for sure because she refused to talk to us about it when we asked.
Maybe dad was a better father than I remember. Maybe he was a better husband than I perceived him to be. I know he was a good and pious man and that he loved mom and us kids the best he could. I think he died never knowing what the priests had done to some of us, and in some way I wish that mom never knew either. (It wasn't me who eventaully told her.) Maybe it was partly the reason that she didn't follow blindly any longer...
Reading this over, it sounds a bit like a pity party and that's not what I intended. It also feels a bit disjointed and I've erased whole paragraphs already. I'll just assume that it's ok to leave it here.
By the way, I don't have much difficulty listening to others. I actually think I'm kind of good at it! I have a much harder time listening to myself.
Love, elly
I'm also aware that my male siblings were treated differently than my female siblings by both our parents. I experienced the boys being allowed to make more mistakes and the girls had the expectation of being responsible. Not responsible for the boys, just to be mature.
It took me a lot of years to realize some of these things, and obviously, they're just my perspective.
I remember when we knew that dad's illness was terminal, I thought about how I could express my gratitude for him. I remembered that he had always loved Ave Maria, and because he loved music in every way, I thought it would be wonderful if all of us kids could sing it together for him. I called an organist we knew who agreed to help us. After our first big practice we had some discussion and I sensed that some people were having second thoughts about doing it. One asked why we were doing it and when I tried to explain, he responded by saying that if he wanted to tell Dad something, he would talk to him. As the conversation continued, it became clear that dad had also talked to them. I had no idea and didn't want to continue with something that the others didn't want so we didn't do it.
I doubt very much that I was the only girl who went, wow, he never talked to me unless it was to tell me what to do when I piled bales on the wagon or in what way I had done something wrong in the barn. As I was the third girl in the family I felt the real sting of not being the awaited son. As such I often went to the field or barn with dad. It didn't hurt that I was always physically strong, so we would often spend all day together in the field during the summer and never spoke 2 words.
I remember once when I was first alone with my kids after Paul left, I really wanted to talk to dad and get his perspective about something. I found the courage to go to him, and before I could even tell him what I wanted to talk about, he told me that I should probably talk to mom. I know he was doing the best he could, but I was devastated.
For many years I also thought that both of our parents were equally religious. When Dad retired and sold the farm he continued to be very active helping at the church, while mom was less so. After dad died, I found that even more so.
I might have continued to think that they took their religious responsibilities equally seriously. When I was a teenager however, I overheard a conversation that led me to believe that having children wasn't discussed because it was her obligation to submit to dad in this regard. As an adult when she came right out and admitted that she didn't know if she would do it over, I honestly felt like she was confirming that. I'm pretty sure that there were times when the last thing she wanted to do was have sex, but I admit that I don't know that for sure because she refused to talk to us about it when we asked.
Maybe dad was a better father than I remember. Maybe he was a better husband than I perceived him to be. I know he was a good and pious man and that he loved mom and us kids the best he could. I think he died never knowing what the priests had done to some of us, and in some way I wish that mom never knew either. (It wasn't me who eventaully told her.) Maybe it was partly the reason that she didn't follow blindly any longer...
Reading this over, it sounds a bit like a pity party and that's not what I intended. It also feels a bit disjointed and I've erased whole paragraphs already. I'll just assume that it's ok to leave it here.
By the way, I don't have much difficulty listening to others. I actually think I'm kind of good at it! I have a much harder time listening to myself.
Love, elly
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Small humans
There is nothing quite as magical for me as babies. I think my great nephew, Luca, must have saved up all his giggles just for our first meeting today. Everyone in the room was enjoying it. Then when he fell asleep in my arms, the gift was complete. At the same time, great niece Lucy was showing off her clapping, waving, and moving all over the place. After her rocky start it's a small miracle that she's so strong, smart, and super sweet. Of course, Madi, Lulu, Jackson, and Madi were all there too, but much too busy with each other to bother with grown ups. I was blessed with a wonderful visit with great niece Avery last week too!
Last night I got to see all of my own gang except Em, so that was great fun too. Penelope never wants to be outdone by her brothers, so she was running from house to house, "tick or teet"ing, and when she finally burned out, she was standing at someone's door, crying her heart out, but still holding her bag open for candy! She's just turned 2 and she was holding her pillowcase off the ground the whole time she ran around. This girl is going places!
My last thoughts are for Pete. I understand that you're proud of dad as a man, for never yelling at his wife. I think you might have missed my point though. I think mom just always agreed with him. But in later years I came to believe that if she'd been given any choice, she would have done many things differently. I'm not sure that dad knew how to make things less difficult for her. I think he believed that it was his duty to make all decisions, and that she believed that it was her duty to go along with his decisions. I can't even imagine a life where I didn't even have a choice about how many children I had. I'll reiterate that the best things she modelled for me were commitment and dedication (or persistence, I forgot what my original iteration was!) Plus I am really enjoying the conversation!
Much love, elly
Last night I got to see all of my own gang except Em, so that was great fun too. Penelope never wants to be outdone by her brothers, so she was running from house to house, "tick or teet"ing, and when she finally burned out, she was standing at someone's door, crying her heart out, but still holding her bag open for candy! She's just turned 2 and she was holding her pillowcase off the ground the whole time she ran around. This girl is going places!
My last thoughts are for Pete. I understand that you're proud of dad as a man, for never yelling at his wife. I think you might have missed my point though. I think mom just always agreed with him. But in later years I came to believe that if she'd been given any choice, she would have done many things differently. I'm not sure that dad knew how to make things less difficult for her. I think he believed that it was his duty to make all decisions, and that she believed that it was her duty to go along with his decisions. I can't even imagine a life where I didn't even have a choice about how many children I had. I'll reiterate that the best things she modelled for me were commitment and dedication (or persistence, I forgot what my original iteration was!) Plus I am really enjoying the conversation!
Much love, elly
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