over the hill

It's such an interesting feeling to realize that I'm on the downhill slide in my life. The thought of aging doesn't bother me and I've never been reluctant to disclose my age. However, it's weird how suddenly and quickly things change. It's increasingly difficult to find the drive and motivation to get things done, and inspiration seems to evade me regularly. It could be some slight depression, or dealing with this nasty bronchitis, that has me peeing my pants every other time I cough, or it could be that this is my new normal. Maybe it's going to take me longer to get everything done from here on in. Either way, it's just so weird!

This cough is definitely worse and my chest is rattling and wheezing, but I'm determined to do without drugs if possible. My throat feels raw and eating soothes it. I remain committed to my goal and I might be doing that slower too. I'm drinking lots, eating zinc and Ricola lozenges, taking Echinacea and goldenseal and resting.

Today I finished princess P's stocking and I've started a scarf.

"Just remember that once you're over the hill, you start to pick up speed." Arthur Schopenhauer

Love, elly

meltdown

...not me, but my bathing suit. I occasionally forget to bring my gym bag in from the van, which means that, in the winter at least, it's pretty cold getting into a not quite dried, frozen suit. This morning I realized was one of those occasions. As I now sleep right beside a lovely fireplace it occurred to me that I could warm it up nicely for a few minutes and carry on my way. After a few minutes, I was smelling something funny, lifted my suit to discover melted polyester stuck to my fireplace glass, and several rather large holes in my suit! Shite!!

I dug out some underwear, put a long tank over it and carried on to the pool. Shopping tomorrow.

This evening I watched a little tv, which I don't do very often any more and came across the fifth estate, the unmaking of Jian Ghomeshi. I watch with a sort of morbid curiosity, not really wanting to know, but needing to watch anyway. For me, I think the biggest positive thing that's happening in regards to him, Bill Cosby, our MPs, hockey coaches etc, is that there is real discussion happening. I think it's important to talk about how victimized and powerless it can make people feel. I believe we need to talk about it and I'm grateful for that.

I still feel like crap, but I've decided that I'll feel better by tomorrow.

Love, elly

sick and tired

I'm sick again and I'm sick and tired of it. I had planned on going with Kelly and the boys to ball hockey, but she's unwell as well! No hockey this week.

That's all she wrote tonight; don't feel sorry for me, I got it covered!!

Love, elly

resurrection

I've resurrected an old hobby that's helping me a little. I'm knitting a Christmas stocking for baby Penelope, that's similar to the ones that Audrey Crowe knit for all the kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, as she is no longer around to do it. I like the feeling of continuing that tradition on her behalf, and I like that having my hands busy in the evenings keeps me out of the kitchen more.

I had a bite of Oreo cheesecake at work today, that became 4 pieces. It makes me sad that I can't have just a little. Otherwise I'm doing fine, and as committed as ever. I'm also reminding myself of what I've accomplished as well as what I still need to learn...

Love, elly

sleep

I don't do well without it! However, I'm learning that eating is not a good strategy for staying up. It's actually a little easier now that my bed is right in front of me. I went to bed early, too tired to blog, hence the reason for my 3:44 am post!

Yesterday I weighed in at the Y at 191 lbs, 1 more to my next goal.

Love, elly

treasure

Your kids are your kids, no matter how old they are. I've heard lots of people say that and I agree. There is still nothing better than an unplanned visit, where you don't talk about anything specific or important, but it feels like such a treasure because you're talking about your lives, about what's really important to you. Eventually one of you says, "I need to go to bed.", but neither of you really want it to be over. At least now that they're older they tend to not start these conversations at 1 or 2 am!

Thanks, Tim! I love you, mom

white death

Man, sugar and I just don't get along. You'd think I would have that figured out by now. Maybe if I say it out loud often enough, it will sink in.

Sam is 4 super years old today, and I had 3 pieces of Christmas rice crispy birthday cake, that's going to delay my goal. The worst part of that is that I feel horrible, physically! Yuck!!

Otherwise a perfectly wonderful day, waking up with my 2 little monkeys, swimming with my oldest son and his girlies, four wheeling and getting covered with mud, and then some warm-up time for laundry and reading before the birthday supper.

I saw all 7 of them this weekend and that makes me very happy! I'm so truly blessed...

limbo

Well my sewer line is open and functional again, but we are no closer to knowing what's going on. I'll think more about it another day!

Today I have Adrian and Aubrey for a visit and sleepover. We've had supper and a naked hot tub at Mary's house, watched a little tv, had our milk and are going to read a book before bed. Sigh...

Love, elly

The last straw

I have spent most of the day today close to tears. I thought I was handling lots of challenges, staying positive and fairly healthy in my coping methods. It's kind of hard to believe that was just yesterday, cause today...not so much!

The puddle in yesterday's shower has become today's blocked toilet, kitchen sink water coming up in the shower, and water leaking from UNDER the bathroom floor into the laundry room. I understood that I paid Jeff's buddy at work to put a camera down, which he did, do a locate, which he didn't do, and return after I had the gas line located to put a larger snake down. After I got the clearance from the gas people, he was gone hunting and hasn't returned. When I asked about him returning again after the blockage I was told he would check to see if he wanted the job. The job that I thought I already paid him to do, but of course, it was after hours and off the record...

On a cheerful note, I have snow tires on the van, so I can get to the pool in the morning. I can't do dishes. The upstairs bathroom seems to be working ok, so I can still camp out here, rather than find someplace else to stay for the weekend. I haven't gorged myself. I'm going to bed to watch tv and read.

I don't know if there's a sewer saint but if there is, please put in a word for me...

Love, elly

idiot or genius??

So apparently I was trying to install my new wipers upside down, which is why they wouldn't go on. (Idiot) I googled it this morning, (genius) and went out during my break and installed them with no problem. Good thing too, or I might have had to walk home with the weather by then. Really, the biggest problem was that they made the directions so tiny, even Mary's magnifying glass didn't help.

I had a couple of blow outs today. The snack people at school have discovered Costco, and today they had snap pea crisps, which I haven't been able to have around. I had 6 packages. (Idiot) in the big picture it was still fairly reasonable, as everything else I had was in moderation and healthy. (Genius) Then I came home and broke my "no electronics" rule. (Idiot) I ate an entire large bag of sweet kale salad, without the cranberries and seeds. (Genius) If I'm gonna over indulge, salad works for me!

I called a guy to give me an estimate on getting the dryer upstairs vented through the roof...can we do that in the winter??

I stood in 2 inches of water while in the shower again today, so obviously I'm still having an issue with the sewer. I sure hope these plumbers get back here soon!

I have discovered that the bank has been taking 3 times my mortgage payment out of my account. (Idiots) I get pretty panicky when I realize there's no money in the bank, especially as it's taking me longer to get ready to rent than I anticipated. It's sorted now, and they told me, no worries, it all went to pay down your principal...grrr!

Sure wish I had some snow tires! They finally called me back today to tell me that their supplier has lots of rims but they can't find them. (Idiots!) They have spent the day calling other suppliers and think they will have some by morning, and promised they will drop everything to do them as soon as they get there. Yesterday they were kinds pissy, saying they are so busy cause everyone wants their tires on, and saying it wasn't their fault the supplier sent the wrong ones etc. I told them I think they are responsible for the suppliers they deal with. What really impressed me today was that they apologized, and called me rather than waiting until I was frustrated enough to call them again. I have no issue with things getting messed up, but I sure appreciate that they finally took responsibility for it. (Pretty smart of them to keep on my good side, but definitely not genius!)

The roads are bad enough that I haven't been anywhere except work, so I hope tomorrow I can get in the pool. It makes such a big difference to me and I've been in quite a bit of pain. At least I'm taking drugs to deal with it now, rather than just try to push through without.

We have a spiritual development day on Friday. I decided that life is too short to ever attend one of these again, as they tend to break my spirit, so I've taken an unpaid absent day. I'm going to really develop my spirit by taking Daniel and Sam on a birthday adventure to Starkeys for a hike. We're gonna take bird seed and have a picnic after! (Genius!)

When I write it down it still sound like a lot, but interestingly enough, I'm doing ok with it. I think I must be a genius after all...



Love, elly

waffles

I had the garage get me rims for my winter tires a few months ago, so I wouldn't need to switch them back and forth, and they would be ready when winter came along. It seems to have done so with a vengeance, so I went in yesterday to have them switched. Rims don't fit.

I wasn't happy with the way my wipers were performing, so I had the garage replace them when I was having some other work done. Today, while trying to clean the ice off them, they overlapped, and both broke right off. I bought new ones at Canadian tire. Can't figure out how to attach them.

Called the garage to see if they had rims yet and had to listen to him tell me how busy they are trying to make everyone happy. It's not working.

I got an email from my friend Sharon Crowe, telling me how often she thinks of me, how much she likes and admires me and that she loves me. It made me cry.

I read a post of my daughter's, telling others about all the things she has learned. It made me proud and happy.

I listened to my youngest son talk about his concerns and joys as a parent. I appreciate how important it is to him and how much "in love" he is with his family.

I was invited to share waffles with Kelly and the boys tonight. Not the best meal for me. Company was perfect!

People are what matters; the other shit can all blow up, but as long as we have people to love, who also love us, all will be well.

"Why can't I just eat my waffle?" Barack Obama

Love, elly

oops

I fell asleep!

I weighed in at the Y at 192 lbs. 2 more to my goal.

I can hear the wind blowing in the trees outside (the window is open a crack), it's chilly in here, the fireplace is on beside me, and I'm warmly snuggled under the covers. Beautiful!

I had hoped to go to Pilates at the Y, but fate had other plans, which I enjoyed immensely. I finally figured I should get my snow tires on as it seems winter really is starting this early. I had arranged for them to get my tires on some rims a few months back, so they would be ready to switch, and not need to be taken off the summer rims. Unfortunately, once they had the summer tires off the van, they discovered that they rims they got didn't fit! The roads were icing already as I left the garage, so I went straight home. Then Tim called to ask if I could help out with the kids. Jen is quite sick with some flu bug, and Aubrey needs more drugs for another ear infection, so he went out to pick up some things and I stayed with the kids! Best part of my day!!

Love, elly

too late, too tired...

But good! The better I eat the more profound my gratitude.

Love, elly

tired...

...but content! It doesn't really get any better that that, eh? Best day.

Love, elly

blessings

My back is much improved.
My sinuses are still congested, but improved enough that I'm getting enough sleep to keep me sane(r).
I love my job. It allows me to be very aware of some advantages I have that lots of people don't have.
My children and their spouses are all people I like and love.
My grandchildren are beautiful, smart, strong and healthy.
My extended family are generous, honest and kind.
I have everything I need

Love, elly

my little man is 6!

Happy birthday to Daniel! I remember being privileged to be there when he was born and my joy at his being here has not abated since. He is such a joy!

Another good day, thanks to some support from Cory last evening.

Love, elly

a little good

Maybe not better than yesterday, but at least as good. I got up to get in the pool this morning, so my back is already less aggravated. Wednesday is a busy day at work this month, and I enjoy it more when I'm busy. Cory came by to share supper with me, so I barbequed, in spite of the cold. It was just a good day all the way around and I don't really care if I ate well because it was a good day or if it was a good day because I ate well. Who cares, right?

I did get on the scale this morning because I wasn't there Mon and I weighed in at 195 lbs, 5 more to my goal.

Love, elly

a little better

Not a bad day overall. I seem to have managed to pinch a nerve in my back, but I think it will be fine when I get back in the pool. This cough, sore throat seems to be getting worse, though. Last night I got about an hour and a half sleep and so far it's not looking much better tonight. Ugh!

I had supper with Tim and Jen and their amazing kids. I tried the "roast" option on my crock pot for the first time today and was very impressed. I browned it first, using the "saute" setting, and it was nice and rare. Yummy!

Love, elly

fail

Today I couldn't get out of bed to get to the gym. I was late for work. We had our last day out at the farm at Ignatius, where we pickled carrots, made butternut squash pie, made fresh mint tea, and drank sweet hot milk. I had several helpings of shepherds pie, not realizing that someone hadn't had any!

After work I ate the pie for supper with a glass of milk, but I'm not worried. Pete says I'm still searching is all. He's right!

I'm changing my goal to 190 pounds, with a 2 week time frame.

"Ever tried? Ever fail? Never mind. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Samuel Beckett

Love, elly

home

I'm tired so this will be short. It was a wonderful weekend with the best friends ever! I ate a lot of ice cream and will be paying for that for a while. I also got into the snap pea crisps today, but in spite of both I managed the rest very well. We had no hot water for some reason, so we boiled water for dishes. I walked a lot, including getting all the way to sauble beach today. I came back a little early for Daniel and Sam's birthday party which was awesome! It was nice to see all the kids there, pick up the dogs and get home. Also, I've had a sore throat and cough all weekend.

That's it, love you all, elly

tougher...

but I survived day 2 of eating to live. I'm very proud and pleased about that especially because I had 2 meetings this afternoon and evening, both of which included food. Now I'm packing for myself and the dogs to go away for the weekend. I'm going with the girls to the cottage for a sister's weekend and the dogs are going to visit with Em and Grace. I'm not sure who's more excited!!

I will be incommunicado for the weekend but will check in Sunday after Sam and Daniel's birthday party.

"The tougher the job, the greater the reward." George Allen Sr

Love, elly

Eat to live

I admit that it's still early, but I'm blogging now, while I can say that today, I ate to live healthy. I actually wasn't feeling that great and decided to stay home and rest. I did this with the full knowledge that I might spend the whole day eating, without other commitments to occupy the time. I think I've underestimated the physical and emotional drain of the last few weeks. I napped and read on and off all day till about 2 when I went out for a walk. Then about 4, I went out for a few groceries, gassed up the van, came home and COOKED supper.

It was simple, but I chopped veggies, which has been a real challenge. Not only did I get a splint that works well for my hand, I also got the Coles notes tutorial on taping, and some stretches to do to maintain range of motion. I'm thrilled! I might even do the dishes later.

For today, I'm extremely grateful!

"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." Socrates

"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get." Robert Orben

Love, elly

feeling like a failure

I just can't seem to get through a day without losing it. Of course my work environment is terrible, but I need to figure out how to survive it! At least I can control my home environment, but tonight I was at Kelly's...eating things I didn't even really enjoy. Failure is NOT an option, yet success seems out of reach today. Eat to live...

Love, elly

avoiding

Yesterday I was avoiding you, and by that I mean me. Not today. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 194 lbs. Not the right direction, but I'm getting there by the circuitous route. I am getting there! It was the acknowledgement that when I'm here alone for long periods that I wallow and worry. So, as well as walking, which I've done, I went back to a Pilates class at the Y. It was a little tricky with my hand, but I adapted. Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom, and did some gardening with help from Paula. I figured people with one hand do lots of things, so I'm gonna get doing whatever I can.

I got a referral today to have a proper splint made, and an appointment for tomorrow to get it done. I'm excited!

I really love this horticulture therapy program I'm attending at Ignatius with some students every Monday. Today we pickled beets and carrots and made a beet chocolate cake. You'll be excited to know my pee is pink!

Sometimes I need to take a day off, just to remember how important it is for me to do.

Love, elly

lazy

...and a little depressed. I spent the morning at Kelly's house with the 4 boys, after we had all been to market. I stopped by Wal-Mart after dropping the Crowe boys at home, to see if I could buy a cover for my new phone. No luck, it's too new! So I went home, had lunch and a long nap. Then I called Paula to see if she wanted to go to the mall with me to look there for a cover. I've had the phone for almost a week and we all know I'm gonna drop it sooner or later! Success at last and it wasn't even that painful, especially considering how much I hate going to the mall. Then I dropped her off at home, and had a short, but fun, visit with Mary, who's still recovering from being hit by a car on her way home on her bike. Back home where I broke my rule about not eating with electronics; I ate the whole bag of grapes! Yikes!!

...and a little scared. When I'm with people it's not too heavy on my mind, but when I'm alone at home and everything I try to do has to be thought out to see how to manage it without my right hand, it's downright discouraging. I know it's not going to be this bad forever, but I also know it's never going to get totally better. I've been frustrated so much over the last 20 years by the increase in pain and instability in my joints, that it's hard to not jump ahead to the next 20. Scary!

...and a bit of an idiot! Funny that the one thing I could have done without using my hand, that would have made me feel better, was walk. Tomorrow that's definitely on my agenda, even though it's fuckin' winter! I can also read without too much trouble, so I think I'll plan on some of that too!



Love, elly