It took a lot of perseverance on my part, to get people to sit down and listen to me, but eventually it did happen. The person who threw me under the bus avoided the question, skirted around it and eventually denied it. I told her to fix it and she agreed to. I don't believe she will, but if I get the chance to talk to the kid, I'm gonna tell him myself. She said he probably won't believe anything I tell him and I told her I don't care. I want a chance to sit down and tell him everything I have done to help him. I told her how undermining it is when no one bothers to correct him when he blames me for something he's angry about. Afterwards I told the principal why I believe the person lied about throwing me under the bus and she agreed.
It's been a stressful week but I picked up 2 boys who are snuggling in bed with me right now, that makes everything OK.
It wasn't my best food wise, but not my worst either.
Love, elly
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
hello again
...it's me!
I have had some very difficult things going on at work, and I feel like I've been thrown under the proverbial bus. I have finally sorted it out in my head and have decided to put a stop to it. I tried to arrange a meeting today to tell the person, but it didn't happen, so I'm hoping for tomorrow. I've also asked the principal to attend the meeting.
After a week of moderate improvement, the issues have taken their toll, and the last days were not the best. Its all OK.
That's all the energy I have tonight.
Love, elly
I have had some very difficult things going on at work, and I feel like I've been thrown under the proverbial bus. I have finally sorted it out in my head and have decided to put a stop to it. I tried to arrange a meeting today to tell the person, but it didn't happen, so I'm hoping for tomorrow. I've also asked the principal to attend the meeting.
After a week of moderate improvement, the issues have taken their toll, and the last days were not the best. Its all OK.
That's all the energy I have tonight.
Love, elly
Monday, February 23, 2015
research
I read an article today called, "keep your goals to yourself", which is a transcript of a Ted talk. The premise is that if you tell people what your goals are, that you get positive feedback and your brain believes that you are already practically there. It therefore becomes much harder to actually reach your goal, because you don't work as hard to achieve it. The reality doesn't match your perception.
If I accept this theory, then my choices are to stop saying what my goals are, stop allowing comments, so that I don't get good vibes of accomplishment, or ask very specifically for you to harass me and kick my ass if I don't follow through. Hmmm...
I think the most important bit for me is the realization that when I have a few good days, I can very easily convince myself that I am all good, when the reality is that this will be a life long challenge for me. Good thing I'm up for the challenge! I better not tell myself what my goals are!!
I weighed in this morning at 196, down 3 lbs from last week, for a total loss of 98 lbs.
Love, elly
If I accept this theory, then my choices are to stop saying what my goals are, stop allowing comments, so that I don't get good vibes of accomplishment, or ask very specifically for you to harass me and kick my ass if I don't follow through. Hmmm...
I think the most important bit for me is the realization that when I have a few good days, I can very easily convince myself that I am all good, when the reality is that this will be a life long challenge for me. Good thing I'm up for the challenge! I better not tell myself what my goals are!!
I weighed in this morning at 196, down 3 lbs from last week, for a total loss of 98 lbs.
Love, elly
Saturday, February 21, 2015
promise
Kelly brought the boys over for supper last evening and I made Kraft dinner for the boys, not realizing that Daniel had given it up for lent. He suggested that he could make an exception, but we talked about promises and what it means. He was sorely tempted, but eventually settled on some goldfish instead. We both reinforced how proud we were of him.
It all reminded me that the more often we keep the promises we make to ourse, the more likely we are to be able to keep them! That's what I'm working on; another good day!
"A promise is a promise." Robert Munsch
Love, elly
It all reminded me that the more often we keep the promises we make to ourse, the more likely we are to be able to keep them! That's what I'm working on; another good day!
"A promise is a promise." Robert Munsch
Love, elly
Friday, February 20, 2015
mistake, almost
I decided to have fish and chips for lunch today. We have ordered from this place before and it was delicious and we'll done. I didn't think it was a mistake, but it was, but not really... I knew as soon as I opened it that it wasn't good. I could see the grease oozing and it was soggy; different cook maybe. I ate it anyway! I have to learn that even if I've paid for something, that I shouldn't eat it if I don't like it. I'm considering that because I came a little closer to learning that today, it doesn't really count as a mistake. I also nearly lost control after that because I knew I hadn't been true to myself, but I held on and did fine the rest of the day. Phew!
Love, elly
Love, elly
Thursday, February 19, 2015
adventure
Today at work we went on our second field trip to restaurants. This one is right down town, so we walked. It's called rawlicious and all the food is vegan and raw. It was surprisingly delicious! I had a falafel wrap in a Swiss chard leaf, and we shared a sweet potato fritter appetizer. I bought a hemp seed bar to share for dessert...delicious! It's not a place I would have tried otherwise, but I would go again.
The rest of my day went well too...go figure!
Love, elly
The rest of my day went well too...go figure!
Love, elly
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
getting better...
I am really tired at the end of the day, but my energy feels better. Not more, but better. I had another good day, without any major struggle with the food demon. I feel more centered and real, and hope this is a return to better days.
I have a tap that doesn't leak, and a doorbell that rings down here instead of upstairs! Wahoo!! Thanks Pete. I'm very appreciative.
I did 2 things today to take care of me; I postponed my supper with Paula until tomorrow, and I decided not to go to Toronto tomorrow. I was to go to a meeting and they didn't send me the information to get released and I'm just really not up for it. I hate the drive and the meetings themselves and I'm gonna be proactive to be involved as little as possible. Besides, we have a field trip to a restaurant called "rawlicious" that is supposed to be fantastic. I'll let you know what I think.
Love, elly
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
don't know why...
I don't understand why this thing seems to have no rhyme or reason, but possibly all addiction has that as part of it's essential makeup. It would be easier to conquer if it was more predictable. It seems the only thing predictable right now is the seeming inconsistencies.
I know it's only a day, but today seemed easy. I don't know if acknowledging the depth of my despair made it so, or if this is part of a bigger process. I'm pretty sure I can't count on tomorrow feeling easy, but I'm very grateful for today.
I had an email from Lisa at the clinic, inviting me to touch base with her, which I intend to do. I'm hopeful that I will feel more confidence to return to it at some point, but as I said to her, I'd like to be successful 70% of the time, instead of 30%.
It was a difficult decision to get on the scale this morning. I have tried hard to maintain a focus on health, with the numbers being a part of that, but not the main focus. I felt pretty vulnerable and was worried that if I weighed more than 200 lbs, it might be too hard to face. Eventually I decided that I usually do better facing the truth anyway, and went ahead. I weighed in at 198.5 lbs, for a total loss of 95.5 lbs.
"I am passionate about keeping the human dimension in things. You have to keep the rough edges and the inconsistencies, that's what makes it interesting. I've always striven to be as sloppy as possible." Jarvis Cocker
Love, elly
I know it's only a day, but today seemed easy. I don't know if acknowledging the depth of my despair made it so, or if this is part of a bigger process. I'm pretty sure I can't count on tomorrow feeling easy, but I'm very grateful for today.
I had an email from Lisa at the clinic, inviting me to touch base with her, which I intend to do. I'm hopeful that I will feel more confidence to return to it at some point, but as I said to her, I'd like to be successful 70% of the time, instead of 30%.
It was a difficult decision to get on the scale this morning. I have tried hard to maintain a focus on health, with the numbers being a part of that, but not the main focus. I felt pretty vulnerable and was worried that if I weighed more than 200 lbs, it might be too hard to face. Eventually I decided that I usually do better facing the truth anyway, and went ahead. I weighed in at 198.5 lbs, for a total loss of 95.5 lbs.
"I am passionate about keeping the human dimension in things. You have to keep the rough edges and the inconsistencies, that's what makes it interesting. I've always striven to be as sloppy as possible." Jarvis Cocker
Love, elly
Monday, February 16, 2015
despair
I'm trying not to give it much power, but I've been feeling quite hopeless lately, particularly in regard to my weight battle, but in general as well. It is certainly partly that I'm ready to be done with the hibernation that the weather is imposing, and possibly partly that I do actually need a higher dose of antidepressant than I want to need. It's particularly depressing to realize the full force of this after a day of such sheer joy such as I had yesterday.
I met some of the gang in the pool and those who couldn't make it came over after for food and games. My family is such a joy to me and I couldn't want for a more generous, kind or loving bunch. Fun too! Other than a few lumps on heads and the fact that we missed Auntie Anne, it was a perfect day!
So why, after they left did this start to wash over me? I think I've abolished the old beliefs that I don't deserve such gifts, but maybe not totally? All I know is that I have started eating with wild abandon, and the accompanying sadness is quite overwhelming. I suspect that my lack of confidence in my ability to offer any hope to others at clinic is weighing on my mind with more bitterness than I had anticipated too. I was grateful to be called on to watch Kelly's boys for a while so she could get some sleep after a late night emergency call out, as it helped to distract me from the self pity.
Our hopes of getting back to the pool today were dashed, though, as the van told us it was just too fuckin' cold! We had a wonderful time indoors and Jason came over to fix it later. (Thanks, Jay!)
For now, I'm gonna trust that tomorrow will be better, and if not tomorrow, then the day after. I'm going to have some warm milk and go to bed early.
"Presumption should never make us neglect that which appears easy to us, nor despair make us lose courage at the sight of difficulties." Benjamin Banneker
"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments." Gustave Flaubert
Love, elly
I met some of the gang in the pool and those who couldn't make it came over after for food and games. My family is such a joy to me and I couldn't want for a more generous, kind or loving bunch. Fun too! Other than a few lumps on heads and the fact that we missed Auntie Anne, it was a perfect day!
So why, after they left did this start to wash over me? I think I've abolished the old beliefs that I don't deserve such gifts, but maybe not totally? All I know is that I have started eating with wild abandon, and the accompanying sadness is quite overwhelming. I suspect that my lack of confidence in my ability to offer any hope to others at clinic is weighing on my mind with more bitterness than I had anticipated too. I was grateful to be called on to watch Kelly's boys for a while so she could get some sleep after a late night emergency call out, as it helped to distract me from the self pity.
Our hopes of getting back to the pool today were dashed, though, as the van told us it was just too fuckin' cold! We had a wonderful time indoors and Jason came over to fix it later. (Thanks, Jay!)
For now, I'm gonna trust that tomorrow will be better, and if not tomorrow, then the day after. I'm going to have some warm milk and go to bed early.
"Presumption should never make us neglect that which appears easy to us, nor despair make us lose courage at the sight of difficulties." Benjamin Banneker
"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments." Gustave Flaubert
Love, elly
Saturday, February 14, 2015
oh crap!
Today I finished cleaning up and drying out after my latest sewer back up. I tried to get the wardrobes up off the floor to dry under them and knocked over the Christmas tree, which I store with lights and decorations still attached. I picked up the decorations that were intact and threw out the tree. I went to get wet swiffer sheets from under the sink and discovered that my new tap is leaking, I have no wet stiffer sheets, and the paper towel rolls and swiffer dusters are soaked. I threw them out and dryed out the cabinet, which has swelled with the water. It took Kelly and me about half an hour to figure out how to turn the water supply off. I filled up the laundry sink, added some bleach to clean the floor, and promptly stuck my sleeve in it, ruining yet another shirt. The water softener has a salt bridge; solid salt. I smashed the shit out of my knuckles trying to break it up. I returned the doorbell that only works when the bell is right beside the chime.
I bought a new doorbell that works when the chime is downstairs and the bell is outside. Pete is sorting the tap, which has an air gap and shouldn't. The laundry room is clean and dry. Kelly took the Christmas tree to her house cause it will fit in her garbage can. I enjoyed time with Kelly, Paula, Pete, Mary, Mike, Daniel and Sam, and arranged a fun adventure with all the kids and grandkids for tomorrow. I have a new electric throw to keep me warm. I am blessed beyond compare!
I ate very well today and decided to try increasing my antidepressant by one dose to see if that has any impact on being able to maintain that equilibrium. I have decreased it to the lowest possible dose, cause I just don't like taking drugs.
Love, elly
I bought a new doorbell that works when the chime is downstairs and the bell is outside. Pete is sorting the tap, which has an air gap and shouldn't. The laundry room is clean and dry. Kelly took the Christmas tree to her house cause it will fit in her garbage can. I enjoyed time with Kelly, Paula, Pete, Mary, Mike, Daniel and Sam, and arranged a fun adventure with all the kids and grandkids for tomorrow. I have a new electric throw to keep me warm. I am blessed beyond compare!
I ate very well today and decided to try increasing my antidepressant by one dose to see if that has any impact on being able to maintain that equilibrium. I have decreased it to the lowest possible dose, cause I just don't like taking drugs.
Love, elly
Friday, February 13, 2015
Teresa and Peter were right
I hate to admit it, for more reasons than one, but especially because it means that my sewer problems are not over! I really had deluded myself that I had resolved it; oh well. I spent 2 hours this morning trying to get it cleared, and finally managed it another hour after work. I had holes in my shirt all day at work because I burned it with the chemical I was using trying to clear it; oh well.
I did fine at work today and ate well, but came home and haven't stopped eating; oh well. Tomorrow is another day and I refuse to give up. I declined to speak at clinic next week, because I don't feel that I could honestly give them any hope right now; oh well.
On a bright note, I'm drinking the best water, and as much of it as I want, because I don't need to go upstairs to get it; thanks Pete!
Love, elly
I did fine at work today and ate well, but came home and haven't stopped eating; oh well. Tomorrow is another day and I refuse to give up. I declined to speak at clinic next week, because I don't feel that I could honestly give them any hope right now; oh well.
On a bright note, I'm drinking the best water, and as much of it as I want, because I don't need to go upstairs to get it; thanks Pete!
Love, elly
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
fan fuckin' tastic!
I had a wonderful, super, fantastic day, celebrating my family. My aunt was a second mom to us as kids and the whole family still always feels like home. Visiting with them and watching old pictures was a real gift. Mix in some memories of abuse by the priest (yuck), singing our hearts out as a family (wonderful), mom and dad's funerals (sad), and watching her grandkids and great grandkids mourn her death and I just feel so full.
The blessings far outweighed anything negative, so much so that I didn't even feel compelled to eat half a loaf of egg salad sandwiches; or salmon either. I had some and enjoyed them, had some carrots and pickled cauliflower and I was good to go.
Cory and o got back for our last "craving change" session with 10 minutes to spare, exactly as I predicted. It was definitely wworthwhile and another good resource to assist in the battle.
Then I came home to Pete installing my reverse osmosis drinking tap! OMG, so exciting!! I find it such a pleasure to spend time with him, because he is so clear about what he wants...stay out of my way; I'll ask if I need something; where do you want it?; I don't need food; if you're gonna talk, talk loud.
I ddon't have any more news regarding my possible tenants, but I'm thinking positive! If you've got any extra good vibes to send, it will be much appreciated.
"I'm very comfortable in my own skin now. I started just being myself more and more. For women, this happens as you get older. I loved my 40s - I thought they were fantastic. And I'm loving my 50s. I'm going to love everything because you're either older or dead!" Gloria Estefan
Yup, elly
The blessings far outweighed anything negative, so much so that I didn't even feel compelled to eat half a loaf of egg salad sandwiches; or salmon either. I had some and enjoyed them, had some carrots and pickled cauliflower and I was good to go.
Cory and o got back for our last "craving change" session with 10 minutes to spare, exactly as I predicted. It was definitely wworthwhile and another good resource to assist in the battle.
Then I came home to Pete installing my reverse osmosis drinking tap! OMG, so exciting!! I find it such a pleasure to spend time with him, because he is so clear about what he wants...stay out of my way; I'll ask if I need something; where do you want it?; I don't need food; if you're gonna talk, talk loud.
I ddon't have any more news regarding my possible tenants, but I'm thinking positive! If you've got any extra good vibes to send, it will be much appreciated.
"I'm very comfortable in my own skin now. I started just being myself more and more. For women, this happens as you get older. I loved my 40s - I thought they were fantastic. And I'm loving my 50s. I'm going to love everything because you're either older or dead!" Gloria Estefan
Yup, elly
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
tired
...but not dead; thank god!
My summer tenants have contacted me and I'm hopeful that we might renew an agreement...hopeful!!
Love, elly
My summer tenants have contacted me and I'm hopeful that we might renew an agreement...hopeful!!
Love, elly
Monday, February 9, 2015
to the pain
I went for a massage after work today. It was the most relaxed I have felt for months, with moments of sleep and a few of extreme pain. I'm trying to find the middle ground that will allow me to move my neck without too much pain, but not get it relaxed enough that I can't hold it up. I've had a great deal of difficulty with it especially when I'm trying to sleep. No, Pete, I don't try to hold it up while I'm sleeping; it goes into spasm if I stay in one position for too long, which makes it harder to hold up during the day.
I was absolutely exhausted afterwards and went to bed right after supper.
I weighed in at the Y this morning at 193 lbs, maintaining my loss of 101 lbs. Mary's bread was worth it!
Love, elly
I was absolutely exhausted afterwards and went to bed right after supper.
I weighed in at the Y this morning at 193 lbs, maintaining my loss of 101 lbs. Mary's bread was worth it!
Love, elly
Sunday, February 8, 2015
wonderful, full of wonder!
It was a wonderful weekend! I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the boys, especially when they would put both of their hands on my cheeks to tell me something, or kiss me. I especially enjoyed our time in the pool with Jen and Penelope, who just loves the water and kicks those little legs like mad. Daniel is fast becoming the water baby that Paula was as a kid and I just love watching and playing. Sam isn't far behind!
I admit I also enjoyed the warm cinnamon bun that my friend, Peter, donated after baking because it was "too small" to sell! Most of my weekend was good, food wise, except for that and Mary's fresh bread on Saturday. I'm ok with it!
Note to Pete; I'm quite frank with people at clinic regarding my struggles, and try to stay positive as usual. I'm still more hopeful than I've ever been in my life and I think that's what my message continues to portray. I do not leave them under any illusion that its easy. They keep asking me back, so I assume it's useful to someone and certainly helps me.
I had a couple come to see the house today and was quite anxious afterwards. I'm not sure how well I did but it was my first time. I think I'll get faster on my feet as I get experience. I think my anxiety was about not wanting them but not being sure why. Once I figured that out, I felt much better. I will follow up, but suspect I will pass, even though I would like it rented. I ate some prunes while sorting it out and I don't think there was much harm done.
Tante Ida died yesterday and I'm going to celebrate her life by enjoying the wonder of all the siblings I will see because of her.
Love, elly
"I had a really wonderful upbringing. We were a tight family. It was wonderful to grow up with so many siblings. We were all just a year or two apart, and we were always so supportive of each other. I learned everything from my older brother and sister and taught it to my younger sisters." Joaquin Phoenix
I admit I also enjoyed the warm cinnamon bun that my friend, Peter, donated after baking because it was "too small" to sell! Most of my weekend was good, food wise, except for that and Mary's fresh bread on Saturday. I'm ok with it!
Note to Pete; I'm quite frank with people at clinic regarding my struggles, and try to stay positive as usual. I'm still more hopeful than I've ever been in my life and I think that's what my message continues to portray. I do not leave them under any illusion that its easy. They keep asking me back, so I assume it's useful to someone and certainly helps me.
I had a couple come to see the house today and was quite anxious afterwards. I'm not sure how well I did but it was my first time. I think I'll get faster on my feet as I get experience. I think my anxiety was about not wanting them but not being sure why. Once I figured that out, I felt much better. I will follow up, but suspect I will pass, even though I would like it rented. I ate some prunes while sorting it out and I don't think there was much harm done.
Tante Ida died yesterday and I'm going to celebrate her life by enjoying the wonder of all the siblings I will see because of her.
Love, elly
"I had a really wonderful upbringing. We were a tight family. It was wonderful to grow up with so many siblings. We were all just a year or two apart, and we were always so supportive of each other. I learned everything from my older brother and sister and taught it to my younger sisters." Joaquin Phoenix
Friday, February 6, 2015
keeping score
Last night the electronics won. I ate my salad while reading and then munched my way through a half container of nuts. But today I'm on top, hands down. I spoke at the clinic today, which always inspires me, and I'm spending the weekend with Daniel and Sam, which makes me happy. I ate with them rather than my book!
For today, I'm happy.
Love, elly
For today, I'm happy.
Love, elly
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
tribute to Tante Ida
I haven't met a kinder, lovelier woman than this favourite sister of dad's and best friend of mom's. We grew up knowing and loving her as our closest neighbour and friend. She has lived a good life for over 90 years with more than her share of tragedies, including the loss of a child, grandchild and her husband of many years, with the grace and good humour of an angel. Now, as she prepares to return to her humble beginnings, she does not complain, but enjoys her family surrounding her. She is rightfully tired and ready to be quit of us. I wish her great love and godspeed for the journey ahead. Farewell oh good and faithful servant.
Love, elly
Monday, February 2, 2015
sunny, snowy day
It was beautiful, but I'm looking forward to crawling into bed with my electric throw (thanks, Paula!), as I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get warm until then. I usually get pretty warm while shoveling, but with the wind blowing the stuff all over me the whole time I was out there, I got so cold that I haven't properly warmed up yet. It was a pile of snow! I went to the gym when I was half finished, got in the pool for a while and then the hot tub, came home and shoveled the other half.
In a further effort to stay clear about my goals, I'm reiterating what I think was my latest number of 180 lbs. Even though I've had a major lapse and was up to 198, I'm still confident that I can get there again. I weighed in this morning at the Y at 193 lbs.
"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now." Denis Waitley
Love, elly
In a further effort to stay clear about my goals, I'm reiterating what I think was my latest number of 180 lbs. Even though I've had a major lapse and was up to 198, I'm still confident that I can get there again. I weighed in this morning at the Y at 193 lbs.
"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now." Denis Waitley
Love, elly
Sunday, February 1, 2015
learning and relearning
Wow, I'm getting older and I'm forgetting stuff faster than I can relearn it!
On Wednesday we learned some old and new strategies for dealing with cravings; wait, drink water, distract, change location or activity, ask for support, chew gum, read, etc. One thing that I realized was critical to my success when at home is not eating in combination with any electronics. I have found this before and it's hard to do when I'm alone, but it's "critical", so I'm committed to doing it. If I combine those 2 activities, I overeat, simple as that.
Another thing I relearned this week pertains to goals. The more clear they are, the higher my chances of success. I was at an information session about our upcoming performance appraisals, and I realized that the numbers on the scale are not always connected enough to the goal for me to keep the real goal in mind. I have not made the numbers on the scale the most important thing during this process, but I'm allowing myself to forget that sometimes. When what I report is how I'm eating and my weight, my real goal can get lost...from my mind, which is the most important place for it to be!
I bought a new bathing suit; a cheap Speedo that I like, but is just a little snug in the hips. I've hung it on my bed screen to remind me that I want it to fit better. I'm hanging pictures of my grandkids in the stairway so every time I walk in, I'm reminded of how much I enjoy being with them. I've cleared off my kitchen counter, so I like to go in there and prepare good things to eat. I'm going to figure out how I can walk to work, even occasionally.
One more thing; when I'm clean, I can remember that I'm pretty happy. When I'm not, I get so disconnected that it feels like I haven't done years of therapy to get here. Being happy and content with my life feels way better than eating to feel better or block out the stuff I used to need to eat for. Being clean equals being satisfied with my life; being enough. I don't know or care if that makes sense to anyone else, but I need remember it!
As always, I'm eternally grateful to everyone who is patient, supportive and loving with me; thanks!
"The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate." Doug Larson
"Grandma loves me, but I love her more." Daniel Slessor
Love, elly
On Wednesday we learned some old and new strategies for dealing with cravings; wait, drink water, distract, change location or activity, ask for support, chew gum, read, etc. One thing that I realized was critical to my success when at home is not eating in combination with any electronics. I have found this before and it's hard to do when I'm alone, but it's "critical", so I'm committed to doing it. If I combine those 2 activities, I overeat, simple as that.
Another thing I relearned this week pertains to goals. The more clear they are, the higher my chances of success. I was at an information session about our upcoming performance appraisals, and I realized that the numbers on the scale are not always connected enough to the goal for me to keep the real goal in mind. I have not made the numbers on the scale the most important thing during this process, but I'm allowing myself to forget that sometimes. When what I report is how I'm eating and my weight, my real goal can get lost...from my mind, which is the most important place for it to be!
I bought a new bathing suit; a cheap Speedo that I like, but is just a little snug in the hips. I've hung it on my bed screen to remind me that I want it to fit better. I'm hanging pictures of my grandkids in the stairway so every time I walk in, I'm reminded of how much I enjoy being with them. I've cleared off my kitchen counter, so I like to go in there and prepare good things to eat. I'm going to figure out how I can walk to work, even occasionally.
One more thing; when I'm clean, I can remember that I'm pretty happy. When I'm not, I get so disconnected that it feels like I haven't done years of therapy to get here. Being happy and content with my life feels way better than eating to feel better or block out the stuff I used to need to eat for. Being clean equals being satisfied with my life; being enough. I don't know or care if that makes sense to anyone else, but I need remember it!
As always, I'm eternally grateful to everyone who is patient, supportive and loving with me; thanks!
"The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate." Doug Larson
"Grandma loves me, but I love her more." Daniel Slessor
Love, elly
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