I don't understand why this thing seems to have no rhyme or reason, but possibly all addiction has that as part of it's essential makeup. It would be easier to conquer if it was more predictable. It seems the only thing predictable right now is the seeming inconsistencies.
I know it's only a day, but today seemed easy. I don't know if acknowledging the depth of my despair made it so, or if this is part of a bigger process. I'm pretty sure I can't count on tomorrow feeling easy, but I'm very grateful for today.
I had an email from Lisa at the clinic, inviting me to touch base with her, which I intend to do. I'm hopeful that I will feel more confidence to return to it at some point, but as I said to her, I'd like to be successful 70% of the time, instead of 30%.
It was a difficult decision to get on the scale this morning. I have tried hard to maintain a focus on health, with the numbers being a part of that, but not the main focus. I felt pretty vulnerable and was worried that if I weighed more than 200 lbs, it might be too hard to face. Eventually I decided that I usually do better facing the truth anyway, and went ahead. I weighed in at 198.5 lbs, for a total loss of 95.5 lbs.
"I am passionate about keeping the human dimension in things. You have to keep the rough edges and the inconsistencies, that's what makes it interesting. I've always striven to be as sloppy as possible." Jarvis Cocker
Love, elly
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