Super treat day!

What image does that expression condure in you mind? Food, massage, drink, spa, clothing, books??? Its been too long and today I bought 6 new...bras!!! I might not be able to sleep, I'm so excited! I wonder what the weather will be as that will determine what clothes I wear, and in turn, which bra!

I enjoyed the Sunday morning swim with all the kids and, combined with the shopping, which is generally quite hateful to me, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early to read.

Thanks to grandchildren for compensating for their parents. Thanks to "Change" for making bras that fit.

Love, elly

Dream puffs

Maybe they are really called cream puffs; or creme puffs. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that they were a combination of cream cheese, sugar, and some kind of flour shell to serve them in.

I'm also sure that, in spite of the fact that they seemed worth every taste while I was eating them, they were indeed very bad for me. I had a reaction like this before and, while I don't think I have an allergy, I definitely can't have too much sugar without feeling like crap after. I admit I had at least 6 of these delectable creations! It was close enough to supper time that once I had 1, I couldn't stop.

The most immediate sick feeling passed after an hour or so, but I suffered all night long from the after effects and still have the headache this morning. I wish I could say I won't make that mistake again, but my memory isn't that great and I can do the damage before I have even had time to process it.

Regardless, it was a wonderful day, we got real rain (my patio roof is clean!), and it was wonderful to spend time with so many people I love!

Thanks to Betty and Rob for modeling true commitment, love and respect. Thanks to Sam for helping me in church. Thanks to the Foster's for the gathering.

Love, elly

My day

I went to the pool;
I worked;
I went for Chinese food with an old friend, who I met when I worked with her son;
I went to church;
I showered;
I was too tired from church to blog and went straight to bed;
Dogs got up at 2 am to pee, so I blogged.

Thanks to Justin for teaching me that we can learn so much from those deemed least able, if we just open our hearts to see.

Love, elly

love my doc

He asked my opinion, after he gave me his and some options. I decided to be gentle about the continuing brain lag and took 1/4 of a tab tonight. I decided not to replace the antidepressants at all for the time being and reevaluate in the fall. I decided to occasionally use a sleep aid. He agreed to everything, but did say that the next time I decided to discontinue something that I should consult their office or a pharmacist. I didn't bother explaining about being at the cottage on a long weekend, but agreed. I feel good.

I'm getting to the pool most days, making healthy food choices most times, and am getting a few things done at home that I've been avoiding.

Thanks to Pete for my outdoor dining room. Thanks to Cory for finding my keys. Thanks to Jason for burgers.

Love, elly

sleepless in guelph

Tired, pooched, knackered, spent, exhausted. I couldn't see straight by the time I got home from work and had a 2 hour nap, so tonight might be more of the same. I'm still experiencing the withdrawal symptoms. I see the doc tomorrow.

Thanks to whoever grew the grapefruit I ate this morning; delicious! Thanks to Paula. Thanks to Cory for finding my keys.

Love, elly

easy

Its a bit scary, but eating well has been relatively easy lately. Its hard to believe that I was struggling so much with little or no hope all winter, and now it feels natural to make healthy choices. I honestly think that getting off these meds is part of the reason. Its been 5 days since I took half a tablet and I'm hoping that the worst is behind me. The brain lag was a bit worse today, but still not nearly as bad as after the first 5 days. I'm certain its going to improve soon. In the meantime, carry on and keep loving!

Thanks to Jason and Anne for bringing the girls for play time, (Vito too!) and for the scrumptious burgers. Thanks to Bernie for reminding me that it's OK to love and still not have the answers. Thanks to Cory for finding my keys. Thanks to the universe for a job I love.

Love, elly

brain lag

My withdrawal continues, but to a much lesser degree and quite tolerable. I see the Dr again on Thursday and I'm still optimistic about staying off all mood drugs for now. I'm making a conscious effort to ensure lots of water intake. My mood continues to be good, including less dependence on food to manage it. I continue to not be perfect but regularly better than any point in the last 3 months. I don't have the totally insatiable appetite any more. I weighed in this morning at the Y at 208.5, my first loss in months!!

Thanks to Cory for finding my wayward keys (6 weeks now), before I ordered a replacement set. Thanks to Teresa for the visit. Thanks to Sam for helping me dig up the pansies to put into the planter.

Heading to bed early.

Love, elly

I was right!

I thought I would be more sore today and I am; just not from what I did yesterday. I'm sore cause I did it all again today. I have finally confirmed that church for me is in the dirt. It is so healing and centering to work in the garden. There are times when it looks better than others, but that's not what does it for me; it's actually digging and planting and throwing stuff out.

I got to share some plants with Mary today and seeing as I was getting rid of them, this is a good thing. I took her 2 big garbage cans full of plants. She still had to plant them because they had no dirt attached cause things are so dry. It also made it easier to move them though because they were lighter. I still have lots left, so if anyone wants periwinkle, let me know. I planted a white lilac (oxymoron!) that she gave me beside the lilac one she gave me a few years ago.

Thanks to Cory and Mary for clearing off my "to do" list!
Thanks to my grandkids for joining me in the pool.

Thank god for church!

Love, elly

life is good

My sweet Aubrey is 3 years old today! It's hard to believe how quickly the time goes. One of my favourite things ever is when all the kids are at the same place at the same time; it just makes me happy. I love playing with them, but I also love watching them interact together. Add cousins on Jen's side and a bouncy castle to the mix and you have a recipe for awesomeness! Pulled pork was a bonus.

My tenants came to clean the house today in preparation for their move next Saturday. Every time I talk with them, it confirms that this is a great decision for me. I moved a lot of plants from the front to the back, as I've told them they can plant whatever they want in the front yard. I did a lot of digging and lugging and I'm sore (probably more so tomorrow!), but I feel satisfied with my effort.


Sometimes I'm embarrassed to say how many people help me. I feel like a bit of a loser who can't take care of business. I've decided that's ridiculous and instead I'm gonna celebrate every person whose life makes mine more blessed. Thanks to Jason for repairing the hose reel and installing the new mailbox, in spite of the helpful drunk neighbours. Thanks to Jen for letting me take Miss P to market this morning.

My mood continues to be better than it has for months and I'm hopeful that the hangover/withdrawal effects are a thing of the past. I could get used to this!

Life is very good! Love, elly

it was midnight

...and it's been soooo long since I chose to stay up that late. I'm gonna pay and it was worth it. I attended a beautiful 5 course meal, honouring my beautiful sister, Cory, and many others like her, for their dedication and passion for their care of the elderly; a group we're all becoming members of! It was filled with laughter and love, two things we never get enough of. If karma gets it right, Cory and Amra (her friend and geriatrician) will both get someone that good when it's their turn! We got swag bags; I gave my chocolate to Mary, but I ate everything else they served!

This morning, in spite of sleeping, my head was gross, so I took half a Paxil, which got me through work and negotiations. It's gonna be a busy day, so I'll try to catch up later; Miss P awaits, as do Sam and Daniel...

Love, elly

too cocky!

Part of me even recognized it, but it still slammed me in the face when the full awareness dawned. Three nights running with very little sleep had me eating everything in sight! Oh, where did all that enthusiasm and optimism go???

This morning, after another sleepless night, I woke with a terrible headache and just felt off. I booked a supply for work and decided to rest. It wasn't in the cards. After my relatively east transition off the meds, the withdraw finally hit too. Perhaps I should have tapered a bit, but I'm going to try and stick it out. It's the most disconcerting feeling that my brain is lagging a full second behind my head whenever I move. It feels slightly better this evening and I've taken something to help me sleep. I have negotiations tomorrow afternoon so I need to get some shuteye. I did manage the food front better today though!

Love, elly

tired tonight

Confession tomorrow.

Love, elly

even my pooper...

...is totally back to normal! I just can hardly believe how good I feel. I didn't sleep all that well last night, but in spite of that, I had no major issues, and still feel better than I have for months. My back is a little tired but my energy remains good.

Little by little my sewer system is also returning to normal. The new plumbing is in, gravel in the hole and concrete poured to fill the hole in again. I am so grateful for all of the help and support to get it repaired; it's been a long haul but I believe it's almost over.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 209.5 lbs; the highest my weight has been in quite a while. I am totally unconcerned about it and feel assured that I'm right back on track. Unbefuckinlievable! I'm reminded again that when we're ready and keep ourselves open, it just happens. Life is good!

A huge thank you, love and appreciation to Terry and Tim. You make time even though you're tired and you have your own work to do. My heart is full.

Love, elly

drug free

I'm aware that there could still be a crash, but for now, I'm enjoying the relative calm of being drug free. I'm really tempted to give a serious effort to staying that way. I know the winter could prove to be a problem, but I feel better now than I have for ages. I suspect that the previous drug stopped working for me long before I realized it. I have more energy, motivation and determination.

I've even been eating better without a whole lot of struggle. I know, I know, it's only been 2 days, but I just feel different.

For now I'm enjoying it!

Love, elly

that's the end of that!

I was away for a few days with my sisters. Honestly, I was away in every sense of the word. I was with them, but not really there. I was listening and watching, but not able to participate. I was so lethargic that I just wanted to lay down on the floor. So, as of last night, I have stopped taking the Paxil. I just couldn't do it. I had a wonderful day today and enjoyed every moment at the cottage. I'm glad to be back home and back to normal!

More soon,

Love, elly

Peter was right

I hate to admit it, because he has some trouble with his attitude already! Seriously, I counted my drugs and indeed missed a day. I was also discouraged to discover that I've only been taking them for 2 weeks. I thought I was almost finished my month. I might also be starting to feel marginally better, if I could only get up in the morning! Paula texted me to meet her in the pool the last 2 mornings, or I wouldn't have gotten there at all.

I saw a specialist today who is doing some neck xrays and mri. She has also given me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory, and setting up an appointment with an arthritis physio therapist.

I did slightly better with what I ate again today, which is not where I want to be, but at this point, I'll take anything that's an improvement over what I've been doing. I keep convincing myself that I'm not a total failure...over and over again.

One day at a time, one bite at a time!

Love, elly

hmmm...

I'm not sure whether to actually be hopeful, or to just give it up altogether. I definitely felt a little better today; I still didn't get to the pool, but I felt more even and not quite as lethargic. I still ate several bowls of cereal for supper, but my appetite all day was not as voracious as it has been. My difficulty comes from being unsure if I really took my pills last night or not. If I did, great, if not, I'm pretty sure I won't take them much longer.

I also broke out more concrete today and busted off a big chunk that I didn't intend...oh well. Now it's big enough I could bury a body and shit in it!

Love, elly

paxil

...I just can't get out of bed in the morning.

being a mom

I remember when I was younger realizing that motherhood was probably going to be the most important job I ever had. I have never doubted it since then, and even though I did a bad job of it at times, I never stopped trying to be better. If my kids are any reflection at all of my efforts, I'm satisfied. I really hope the job never ends! Grandkids are a bonus well worth mentioning!

The plumbers say the hole must be bigger, so bigger it will get. I've not resorted to shitting in the hole as Peter suggested. I also need to move one of the armoires out of the way (fun wow!).

I continue to feel lethargic and to fall asleep anytime I sit down; it may become a problem at work...or while driving; it's even affecting my ability to read!

Love, elly

tired

...I won't bore you with the details.

The hole in my laundry room is officially huge. Hopefully tomorrow we can rip some pipes out!

I appreciate my life.
Love, elly

RIP Munch

Yesterday our school therapy dog, Munch, died, after a long and fruitful life. He was about 4 lbs, ugly as sin, had bad breath and the funniest bark you ever heard. He had a real knack for reducing anxiety and tension with students who struggled, and was very much loved by our staff and students. We have started a memory board and will dedicate our new raised garden in his name.

My eating is in the toilet and I'm lethargic and discouraged.

I have a hole in the floor; not quite big enough yet, but getting there. Anyone who wants to help on Sat is welcome.

Love, elly

ugh

I'm having trouble getting out of bed...haven't been to the pool for 3 days. I'm not even enjoying being here because Phyllis puked in the bed last night. She got up on the table and had at least 3 tbsp of butter, which her little stomach just can't handle. I had to wash everything; duvet, mattress cover, sheets, and pillows! It smelled like rancid butter; ugh!! Everything should be dry later today.

Love, elly

interesting...

It's a little heavy reading, but I think I'm getting the premise. I'm still not sure the information will have any practical usefulness, but I'm still reading.

We've all been told and believe that we get fat because we overeat and/or are sedentary. The scientific evidence actually shows that the reverse is true; we overeat and/or are sedentary, because we get. I'm trying to wrap my head around it and, of course, there are many factors which affect who gets fat and when.

I'm not sleeping and Phyllis has puked in the bed several times; she got into the butter and just can't handle it. It smells disgusting!

That's all I've got today.
Love, elly

too many sweets!

...at work, of course. I just hate that I work at maintaining a relatively safe environment, but work is so unpredictable. I hate myself for giving in to it.

I weighed in at the Y at 207 lbs.

I'm not giving up.

Pete, the book is "Why we get fat" by Gary Taubes. I'm not convinced of any value yet, but I'm working through it, just in case.

Love, elly

a real hike!

We've gone to a great conservation area for years, just outside the city, where you can hike for free. Two brothers and their wives used to farm the land and when the brothers died, they donated the land. How they ever farmed this spot is absolutely beyond me, as it's extremely hilly and Rocky. We thought we had it rough picking rocks at home on the farm, but Starkey's hill is ridiculous!

Cory introduced us to it when she lived in Arkell and we've been going ever since. We took our kids and now we're taking our grandkids. However, since the kids have come along, it has often been a meander, or a fireman's carry to get through it. Penelope was in a carrier today, but the rest of them all walked at a brisk enough pace that it was actually a hike; except, of course, when we stopped for a snack, or to watch a small frog climb a tree or to pick up and examine a very small garter snake! It was wonderful.

Paula barbecued for us after, which was great. Some ass brought gummie bears and we played close our eyes, pick one, have everyone else check the colour, and then taste it and try to guess what colour we ate. Other than those Damn gummies, it was an ok day again. Not where I want to be but not total annihilation.

This new drug seems to be making me quite sleepy. I'm not sleeping any better at night, but feel like I can hardly stay awake mid afternoon. I hope it doesn't start interfering with work. Patience...

Love, elly

I sometimes just forget

...to post! Of course I forget all kinds of other things too, but that's beside the point. I think...what was my point??

It was the first day in a while that I didn't feel totally out of control with eating. It may seem silly to celebrate that, but it feels like I should acknowledge the small victories now. I'm also reading a book that someone recommended. I'm not sold on it yet but if my opinion of it improves, I'll let you know.

I enjoyed the day.

Love, elly