Thanks!

While I was not able to keep my mind from going over things all day, I did manage to not care about the outcome. I even managed several moments when I felt sorry for him. I don't know if I'll manage to keep seeing him from my heart when I'm with him but I'm going to do my best. Also, I'm not going to write anything to him, justifying or explaining. Thanks for the reminder that I'm just fine exactly as I am.
Daniel and Sam are having a sleepover tonight and the whole crew are planning on swimming together in the morning. I'm really looking forward to it.
I made fresh Apple chips today and a pot of venison soup...yummy!
Special thoughts of love and support for Jon and Alisha as they deal with their loss.
Love, elly

I just don't know

I feel stressed and anxious today. I hate feeling like there's stuff still hanging over my head at work. I hate that they give me 30 minutes warning that they're coming to talk to me. The guy acknowledged that there is no formal complaint, but as superintendent, he has issues with my behaviour. He knows nothing about me and I don't really want to expose myself to him further. I don't want to spend my weekend preparing a response to him when he's put nothing in writing, but I declined to meet with him today and I guess he's still planning on coming on Monday. I'll be too angry to respond on the spot and still say everything I want respectfully. I think if he's making judgements about me, when he knows nothing about me other than that I swear, he doesn't deserve my respect. I feel like packing it in, but just like not renting my house, it's just not an option.
Needless to say I ate crap this afternoon.
Love, elly

To rent or not to rent...

...that is the question! I have 4 different prospective new tenants in to see the house. My favourite is a young farmer who just got a job at OMAFRA, at the university. I'm pretty sure none of the others will be a good fit for me, but I didn't talk to the one person. Hopefully Kelly touched base with her and if she applies then we can chat.
Since I got my dehydrator for Christmas, I can't keep dried fruit in the house. I eat it faster than I can dry it. Is it bad to eat several apples a day?? They are just so delicious, with just a little cinnamon. I also think Paula may have helped to resolve my constipation concerns. I started using the smoothie blend from Costco, which has kale, beet tops, Swiss chard, grated carrots and broccoli. Hopefully this is a trend that will continue.
Be well, be happy!
Love, elly
PS, Betty, I don't care what part of the yard my ashes go into, as long as they don't sit on the mantle!

Oops!

Just wanted to clear up that when I say "fuck 'em all!", I mean everyone at the board office. The rest of you are my peeps and I'm keeping all of you, because I would never survive without you.
By the way our new unit president sent an email to the superintendent pointing out that he didn't follow board policy when he called me in. I'm supposed to get a written copy of the complaint and I'm pretty sure he never got one. She also pointed out that numerous other people had contacted her to complain about the activities that day. Awesome!
I had a massage and I'm exhausted!
Love, elly

Back on track!

I ate well again today, which is a relief. I also stayed home from work, read, walked with the dogs and rested. Roo, I'm going to be cremated, so I figure I don't even need the 6, especially not from the school board!! Fuck em all!
Love, elly

No surprise

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 208.5 lbs. Not the right direction, but no surprise.
Any of you who really know me will also not be surprised that the superintendent called me to a meeting today with a complaint about my foul language in reference to a PD day activity I described to you recently. Many of you might say, "what took them so long?". I wonder if the principals and superintendents who have sworn in front of me will get the same lecture? Do you think I could claim that the exposure to unprofessional language I'm subjected to every day at my job has lessened my ability to refrain from repeating it when not with students? Or that people who have highly stressful daily jobs shouldn't be exposed to useless, ridiculous PD that has nothing to do with their work?? I think it was his decision to present this information and I told him that it was more offensive than my language. Honestly, I hope he writes me up so we can file a grievance! Total fuckin' bullshit... Oh wait, I'm not supposed to say that. Fuck them!! No surprise...
Love, elly
PS, I did not stop to buy ice cream on the way home, even though I was tempted!

Big decisions

I don't really know why I sometimes get stuck in my head thinking about all the life choices I've made or might still make. I don't find it very productive and usually don't decide anything, as was the case the last few days.
I don't think it's any coincidence that I've been off my food and eating crap either. To top it all off I had a wicked headache all day today, meaning that I missed the family breakfast gathering in celebration of Paula's birthday. As you can imagine, that was pretty upsetting.
It's hard to believe that it was 36 years ago that she first blessed us with her angelic presence. We went out for burgers tonight at the works...pretty yummy.
Love, elly

Tough day

Yesterday was a difficult day at work with several students getting extremely verbally aggressive and certainly the threat of physical, bumping up against the teacher's chest trying to get at each other. They were both suspended for the day today and the third party that was egging them on was talked with as well. They all reacted badly but will probably get over it given enough time and space.
I'm still amazed that even though we deal very well with these issues when they arise, that they sometimes take a toll in other ways. The day started badly with the pool closing shortly after I got there...it was full of snot! I walked at lunch time but by the afternoon I was downright cranky. It wasn't my best eating day either.
Tomorrow is another day!
Love, elly

Things I've taken for granted

WARNING, GRAFFIC CONTENT. If you'd rather pass this one by, I won't be offended.
Poop: when I was younger, I could hold my poop forever and went when it was convenient for me. Then after a kid or 4 that all changed. As a matter of fact, I had to have my rectum cauterized several times because it would repeatedly split open because I got so constipated. At some point someone decided that I needed my sphincter partially cut, so it wouldn't keep happening. Of course by this time I was using metamucil on a regular basis, and the surgeon didn't mention that I might not have the same control as before... Fast forward to a year or so ago when I had to have my gallbladder removed. Afterwards, with the constant flow of digestive juices, I was able to go regularly and easily, much like when I was younger. Recently I started on a new antidepressant, which seems to be causing some constipation as a side effect. I really like the intended results of the drug and don't want to give it up. However, I'm having so much trouble going and often need to rush out of the pool when the moment strikes, hoping I will get out before I foul the pool. (That's what they call it when someone poops in the pool.) Then there are the days when I leave the pool twice and then can't go! Back to metamucil I guess!! (Now everyone will be honestly able to say I'm full of shit!)
Pee: when I was younger, I could hold my pee forever and went when it was convenient for everyone. Having 13 other people using the same bathroom dictated when that would be. Then after a kid or 4 that all changed. First of all, the control is totally gone. If I don't pee before I get in the shower, I'm sure not able to hold it till I get out. Then, the added impact of a connective tissue disorder means that everything is loose, causing structures to shift, causing the direction of my stream to change. I could probably challenge most men for how far forward I can pee. However, this means that when I sit on the toilet to pee, I have to be careful that I don't pee right under the seat. Even when I manage to lean forward far enough that it stays in the toilet, it hits the bowl and splashes so much that I'm literally covered in pee. Even when I wrap my whole hand in paper to wipe, I always get pee on my hand trying to get dried off.
Sleep: yup, you guessed it. I used to be able to sleep whenever there was an opportunity. Now there are times when I've fallen asleep 6 times before 7 pm. If I give up and go to bed, I'm often awake for the day by 2 am. If I fight it and stay up until 8:30 or 9 sometimes I can sleep till 3 am. Sometimes no matter when I go to bed, I'm awake at 11, 1, 3 etc. Sleep aids seem to interfere with my antidepressant, causing visual disturbances that are just that; disturbing.
Getting older is not for the faint of heart!
I weighed in this morning at the Y at 205 lbs...still the right direction, in spite of the backup!
Things I've never taken for granted include family, love, money, home and gratitude.
Love, elly

Tomorrow

...update. Tonight...sleep!
Love, elly

I don't understand!

I wish I did, because then I could replicate what I'm doing the next time I lose all perspective. For now, I'll just accept that things are going well, even though I don't understand why. I know it's at least partly that the new antidepressant is working very well for me. It's certainly not that I'm sleeping well, and that usually makes things very difficult. Regardless, I'll take it!
Love, elly

Tired and hungry

I felt fine this morning and headed back to work for the start of semester 2. This is the busiest our little school has ever been and we have lots of new students starting. It's always a challenge remembering new names and figuring out how to relate a little to them. It made for a very busy day and I was aware of being quite hungry. I ate some extra fruit and chick peas and got out for a walk at lunch time.
I was exhausted by the end of the day and after falling asleep at least half a dozen times in the chair, I gave up and went to bed. Now it's 2:30 and I'm awake, reporting my weigh in. This morning (yesterday) I was 206. I'm pretty sure that once I get back below 200 my pants are going to feel more comfortable, at least that's what I'm hoping for.
Love, elly

Great day, feeling awful

There are a few people who you just can be perfectly comfortable with, no matter how long it's been since you've seen them. One of those people for me is my dear friend and ex-sister in law, Sheri. I was unable to attend our annual family gathering in Sarnia last summer, affectionately known by the little ones as "the people zoo". We didn't solve any world problems, but we puzzled and laughed, talked, swam and hiked with the kids and had a great time.
When Michelle and her little one, Liam, picked her up to return home, they stayed long enough for a snack and to play with some trucks. He's a darling child who reminds me of Michelle herself when she was younger.
I made a nice salad for lunch after they left and sat down to read. I started almost immediately to have chills and feel achy. I wrapped up in layers but just couldn't get warm. I eventually napped a little and woke up with a huge headache, but the chills are gone. Hopefully by morning I'll be back to normal, much as that's possible for me!
Love, elly

Re-learn

I had a wonderful day, spent with my long time, dear friend and family. Unfortunately, I had to learn again how physically awful I feel when I eat too much, especially the wrong stuff. I really appreciate how awful I felt, so maybe I'll remember it a little longer this time!
More fun adventures planned for tomorrow (today).
Love, elly

Tough day

I don't remember a day this year that I've been this frustrated and angry at work. We had professional development that was totally unrelated to our work and when we complained about it, we were told to be more positive and enthusiastic. It was a waste of time.
I took some carrots and my homemade almond butter with me because I had no idea what they would serve for lunch. It was a good choice.
I'm absolutely exhausted from all of the bullshit, so I'm going to bed early.
Love, elly

Still learning

I may never master the art of self control around food. Right now, I'm not able to have treats in the house and I'm OK with that. I'm having enough trouble with portion control when I'm out, but definitely doing better than anytime in the past year.
Yesterday I forgot to turn my alarm on before I went to bed and I actually slept in, which never happens. I didn't get to the pool at all, so didn't weigh in until today. I weighed in at 208.5 lbs, finally the right direction!
Today, all is well.
Love, elly