Oops!

I may have inadvertently misled, saying that I had a day off. I didn't have a day off from the program, but was enjoying having some time off work. It's starting to sink in that I'm gonna have quite a few days off, but the danger is that if I enjoy it too much it may be hard to go back in the fall. Oh well!

I was busy around the house and unfortunately there's lots still left to do. I also cleaned the van out and maybe tomorrow I'll get it vacuumed and washed.

Adrian and Aubrey set up a plasma car track after supper and then we played a game of wobbally...so much fun. Friday is gonna be boys sleepover; Adrian, Aubrey, Daniel and Sam. I hope it's nice enough for water guns and/or windy enough for kites.

Another solid day of eating and tracking.

Thanks for grandkids of all size and shape. Thanks for tenants who buy wine when I fix something. Thanks for a vehicle to drive and a bike to ride.

Love, elly

I HAD A DAY OFF!

Being unemployed several times during the year has its own challenges, but also the huge benefit of having regular intervals where I don't need to plan or care if nothing happens.

Not much happened yesterday, but today, I scraped the loose paint off the bathroom ceiling upstairs, skim coated, primed and painted it, as well as cleaning the ceiling fan. I got up on the roof to make sure it was venting ok as well, which makes me more nervous than it used to. Probably a good thing! I also did a little gardening and more awaits. I also managed a nap and some reading.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 212 lbs, down 3 from 2 weeks ago. Ironically I remembered the mid week weigh in that Peter's sarcasm prompted that was actually .5 less than that. I knew it wasn't accurate! I'm doing really well with my food choices AND  portions! I've decided to set a goal, which I haven't been able to manage for quite a while; 210 lbs.

Thanks for unemployment. Thanks for the ability to do most things for myself. Thanks for help when I ask. Thanks for choices and options.

Love, elly

I wanted to be outside...

...but not badly enough that I was willing to go out in the rain. It was a long day indoors alone. All the kids were away and I stayed in my pj's all day. I did some laundry and tidying, had a nap and finished a book I was reading. It's a young adult genre, but "I'll give you the sun" appealed to me more than anything I've read lately. Jandy Nelson is the author if you would like to check her out.

I found it interesting that yesterday I stayed within my goals, even though I had the chocolate in the evening and today I went over even though I had several salads and nothing that's awful. It reaffirmed for me that boredom plays a big part in the challenge...munching was harder to control today. I was only over about 100 calories, which I could have done without, but I didn't think it was smart to have hardly any supper. Again, portion control earlier in the day was slightly over the edge.

Thanks for the cool fresh air coming in the window. Thanks for doggy and kitty cuddles. Thank god kids don't stay away for long!

Love, elly

Awesome

I missed the people zoo today, but had an absolutely wonderful visit with John, Linda, Terry, Karen, Miss Maisie, Cory and Mary. Then we saw our favourite cousins; Case, Pete and Gerry, Tony and Jane, Lena, Joanne, Henry, Martin and Pat, as well as Casey's new wife, Jane. We didn't have to see our least favourite, cause he didn't show up! I also got to meet Adrian's friend from school, Benjamin, who is my cousin's grandson; he couldn't care less!

I had a good food day, but did have some blueberry/acai dark chocolates at the reception. I've been trying to figure out the name (I thought it was Brookside's) so I can record but can't find it. They're from Costco; anybody know??

Thanks for all of the people I enjoyed tonight and all of the people I missed this weekend.

Love, elly

That's better!

Good awareness, good choices, good tracking. I had a moment of panic when I was told we were going out for lunch, as I already had it planned. However, I just took the time to calm down, order something that would work for me, and I was good to go.

Last day of work for a while and it was a productive, rewarding day. We said goodbye to someone we will really miss at the school too, which was hard.

Most of my gang has headed to visit the people zoo in Sarnia (Dave & Sheri's) land while I'm disappointed that I'm not going, I'm glad to have the time to rest my hand and keep it clean as it heals. It's a bit more tender today but I've been expecting that.

I am looking forward to my cousin's wedding tomorrow, but I'm honestly more pumped about having several hours with Cory, Mary and John than the actual event. Too bad Pete's not coming. I guess we'll have to talk about him instead! Not likely!!

Thanks for a delicious lunch paid for by the board. Thanks for a wonderful supper with Mary.

Love, elly

Addiction

I heard myself talking today, inside my head, and suddenly realized that I was hearing my addiction talking; the offered excuse, the bullshit, the denial of responsibility for my food choices today. Having realized this, I will do my best to own them.

I took lunch and snacks with me for the duration of my training; safe food handlers course. I went for a walk at lunch. So far, so good. I had several samples at Costco, about a dozen, with mixed ingredients. I don't know the nutritional value of any of those samples. I attended our year end staff social and ate things which weren't the best choices available, again disregarding my trackability. These included a full slice of nut and seed brittle, two meatballs, egg salad with cucumber dippers, fruit salsa with cinnamon dippers, mango guacamole with a mini naan, at least a cup of potato chips. The chips, naan and dippers were not healthy choices. The nut and seed brittle was awful, particularly because I find it very difficult to stop. The rest was fresh made with fruit and avocado and veggies, so that was good as far as content, but still not trackable as to portion size. I stopped when I was full.

I did not eat again after I got home, but know from my headache that the brittle and cinnamon dippers were bad for my general health as well as feeding my addiction.

I had my finger uncovered all day at the course and then covered it after when running around. It was almost completely dry, just slight weeping from the open (not stitched) spots when doing more. I think it looks fantastic and I'm moving it as much as possible, carefully.

Thanks for awareness. Thanks for the bar code scanner on my phone which works much better than my tablet. Thanks for being able to admit, without shame, that my first tracking day was a bust. Thanks for loving support.

Love, elly

Heeding advice

I tried to buy finger condoms today, but they wouldn't fit over the dressing. She said they won't keep it dry either.

I'm loading my fitness pal onto my phone to see if it's easier to use there. I'll keep you posted.

I recognized Pete's sarcasm for what it was and weighed in this morning at the Y. However, I'm not going to report it as I think it isn't a good reflection and I think Monday could very well be quite different. I don't like mid week weigh ins and don't really trust that it isn't worse than it showed.

I did get in the pool this morning with a glove on, which went well until I got a hole. Tomorrow I'll bring a spare.

I removed the dressing from my finger, according to my instructions. It is dry, except where he left it open a bit and it all looks good; messy but good. I wrapped it again, but then decided it might just be better with a big bandaid.

Thanks for an exceptionally fine eating day. Thanks for good health and healing. Thanks for supper with Cory; I've missed her!

Love, elly

Well that didn't go as planned...

...but I do believe having a plan was what enabled my success today. Being busy (some would say distracted) is an often successful strategy for addiction. Yeah!!

I went to school this morning, only to be reminded about an hour later, that I was expected at negotiations. I was a bit flustered by the time I got there, but it was actually quite a productive session and we had useful, practical discussion. I also told them "no fucking way" to one of the strips they want. I think they were a little shocked, which made me happy!

I had planned to go to the dump on my lunch to exchange my garbage carts for larger ones, so I still did that. Then after work I picked up 5 more bags of stone for beside my neighbours driveway, and bought several  treatments for magnolia scale, which is very difficult to treat successfully, because the mother fuckers burrow right into the wood and are so big, they can actually kill the tree. The tree was a gift so I'm gonna try to save it, even though they aren't optimistic about the chances.

Then I was invited for barbecue, so the dogs never got haircuts. Good trade!

I'm so excited about having a successful eating day and I'm determined to have more. I have decided not to get on the scale til next Mon, as the harsh reality of all the previous gluttony could discourage me.

Thanks for successes, even small ones. Thanks for good communication. Thanks for small boys and stories.

Love, elly

Still hoping

My eating is better during that day, since we aren't cooking food all day at school. The evenings continue to be a struggle, especially later. I actually considered getting out of bed to eat cereal last evening, after I had already eaten for a hour before going to bed.

I'm hanging my size 26 pants in the kitchen this morning.

I made a plan to give both the dogs haircuts after supper tonight, and I bought a new ebook for after.

Tomorrow I'm going to the pool to see what I can do without getting my hand wet.

I would appreciate any other suggestions and / or support, and I promise to keep doing my best.

Thanks for rain. Thanks for kids and dogs. Thanks for sausages on the barbecue.

Love, elly

Round one goes to the hedge trimmer

I'm blaming Jen, since I was only trimming the hedges because she decided they couldn't afford to go away for the weekend. Of course, I might be in worse shape if she left the kids with me for the weekend, as we originally planned!

Regardless, the hedges are not even half done, the trimmings are still in the back yard, the blade was so sharp and fast that there's not even any blood on them and I have 5 stitches in my finger. The doc who stitched it up said it could maybe use a few more, but when it's mangled like it is, often less is more, allowing the tissue to settle where it needs to more effectively. It very obviously has a good blood supply and no tendon involvement, so I'm happy about that. I need it to work; I don't need it to look pretty!

This was just after 9 this morning, so needless to say I didn't accomplish much for the rest of the day. I did manage to get Cory to buy me some groceries and to get Mary to make me supper, but that's all the work I did.

The worst part for me will be staying out of the pool...maybe I can rig something...

Thanks to the powers that be for the fact that I was trimming the hedges in my pjs, not my nightshirt. Thanks for generous sisters. Thanks to Paula for bringing a bag for my shoes that had dog shit on them and a phone charger. Thanks for the wait in emerg that meant I was not seriously injured. Thanks to Jen for allowing me to have a laugh. Thanks for skilled medical care...I'm pretty grateful today!!

Love, elly

Sometimes when it smells like shit...

...it's not a sewer problem. I still haven't decided if it was a diaper in the garbage that I forgot about, the mouldy kitchen garbage, the rotten laundry room garbage, the wet dog food or whether I just smell like shit. Regardless, I'm hoping now that all of that stuff is outside, it will start to smell better in here.

If not, I'm gonna have to learn to live with it because I'm so sore tonight that I'm not going anywhere.

I arrived home on Thursday to find the neighbour's paving crew putting asphalt on my property. I asked to speak to whoever was in charge and told him they were on my property. He was shocked. I told him that he (the neighbour) told me that they were using his property survey and he answered, no, he gave us measurements. He told them to go from the corner of the shed. I told him that the shed is on my property. He immediately said they would fix it. The neighbour had come outside by this point and starts saying things like, it's still your property, the line you painted washed away, etc. I'm pretty sure I could still have seen the line but he obviously had no intention of even mentioning it. Anyway, the lead guy put a peg in at the shed with a line on it and pulled it out to the street, asked me where it needed to go, and cleaned the extra tar out from the boulevard. I suggested that as they already had it all in and pressed on the rest of the drive, that they angle the edge of the drive so that the top edge is on the property line, which they did.

Today I cleaned everything out beside the drive, raked it flat, stapled plastic sheeting down and put crushed rock on top right up to the top edge of the drive. This way the angled asphalt will help keep the weeds down along the edge of the drive, my property line is still obvious, and he paid for it! After getting caught in the lies he told, it was pretty obvious that he was trying to make nice today...fat chance!

I didn't think it was that much work, but my body says otherwise...or maybe I just smell like shit, lol. Regardless, I did some back stretches on my big ball, and I'm gonna take some drugs and lie down. To the pool tomorrow.

Thanks for the love in my heart for someone who's struggling. Thanks for great tenants. Thanks for good boundaries.

Love, elly

Almost made it

Ate really well all day, then had fruit and veggie snacks that the kids didn't like...6 packs... and still a better food day than I've had recently.

Negotiations all day went badly. Graduation at school was wonderful. Taking A, A and P with me was perfect. It was a wonderful evening at home with them as well, except that I couldn't remember how moms do it! Holy shit!!! Lol. Seriously, my hat's off to every mom and dad of young kids.

I've fallen asleep 3 times already writing this and have no idea how long it will last (my sleep, that is!), so this is it.

Thanks for graduates. Thanks for grandkids.

Love, elly

Last day of classes!

This should help with the most basic problem, the availability of too much, no good food at work. I will be doing some gardening at the school with a student who needs community service hours. That should also help. I've been scarfing down everything that wasn't nailed down today, so better than that should be easy.

Friday is negotiations all day, followed by grad and Tim and Jen's kids! Should be good!!

Thanks for an easier life than our students have. Thanks for porch swings and snugglers to go with. Thanks for books.

Love, elly

A little better

...more tomorrow.

Thanks for little angel's hands and babies breath. Thanks for rough and tumble kids.

Love, elly

Devastated

Yesterday was disappointing, but when I got on the scale this morning at the Y, I was totally demoralized. I weighed 215 lbs; I had debated about avoiding, but I've never been good at that for any length of time. Then I debated not mentioning it, but that felt like denying who I am today, and if I can't find a way to accept and celebrate who I am, then I have more problems than depression.

I felt kind of fragile and a bit weepy all day, especially when I got offers of support, but I was working so that helped. I also read somewhere recently that distraction can be a big help, so I did that in my mind often during the day. I had my first reasonably healthy supper in a while, although I had 2 helpings of homemade ice cream cake at work.

I also realized that I might have missed 1 or 2 thyroid pills, which would impact my mood and energy, so maybe things will look better after I get back on track. I try to use a dosette, but then forget to fill it, so it doesn't do much good.

Tonight I feel better than this morning or yesterday, so that's a start. Starting is good.

Thanks for love and compassion. Thanks for forgiveness. Thanks for the beautiful people who are my life.

Love, elly

Disappointed

...to say the least. I'm starting to think that the calm and relaxed I felt after stopping the Paxil was euphoria from stopping and nothing more(it was horrible!). I still occasionally have a slight lag when I move my eyes suddenly, but I think the Effexor has worked it's way out of my body during the last 6 weeks. I think I'm suffering now from not having it; I'm pretty sure I'm clinically depressed.

The good thing is that I know some things to do and I'm doing what I can. I would still like to try a while longer and possibly some herbal and/or natural products before I resort back to the chemicals. I know it would help if I was eating better, but that seems quite elusive right now.

I feel like I needed the second day of nice weather to be in the garden, but I am still grateful for Saturday.

Thanks for brothers. Thanks for opportunities for learning. Thanks for love. Sorry Gail, but the water buffalo don't move me!

Love, elly

I'm not feeling it...

I'm probably avoiding. The drugs are almost out of my system. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll try again tomorrow.
Thanks for sisters and sea cows.
Love, elly

Tomorrow for sure!

Church

I have nothing good to report on the food front, other than that I continue to get to the pool most mornings. I'm really hoping that a break from students in a few weeks will allow me the calm to get back on track.

In the meantime, I thought you might enjoy a peek at what keeps me sane(r) most days; my church!

Thanks to Cory, for sharing stuff. Thanks for the wildness and chaos of my garden...wait a minute, that's how I feel right now. Thanks for birds at feeders. Thanks for pansies.

Love, elly

Tired

It seems like tired is my most common state these days. I took a little blue pill last night and felt better this morning, but was quite drained again after work. I think that it's partly due to the fact that I'm overloaded with food and the wrong kind, partly that students are struggling more than usual at this time of year, which makes work more stressful, and partly that I was outside working in the garden at Ignatius with some of them all afternoon...at least when we weren't trying to climb the gate to get in because someone forgot to leave it open! (I wisely decided to walk around after 2 failed attempts; I wasn't willing to face a 911 call to rescue me from the top or the bottom of the 6 ft. gate!!)

I had a wonderful phone visit with my long time friend Lee, which we both thoroughly enjoyed. What a precious gift she is!

Tomorrow is another day and I promise myself that I will do my best, again.

Thanks to Lee for her steadfast person. Thanks to Kelly for the lifetime Clorets supply. Thanks to Jen for words of love, freely given. I am truly blessed.

Love, elly

Apparently I can't be trusted!

I know that our perception of the truth is just that; our perception. I'm glad that I have no problem admitting that someone else remembers me talking about the shed being on my property when it first happened. Thank god I didn't make up how I felt, as my reaction was the same then as now. I'm sure I blocked it from my memory for that exact reason. I make no apologies to the man.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 210 lbs...sigh.

I'm still mad that Pete threw out my favourite sweater!

Thanks to anyone willing to be my memory when I lose it. Thanks for encouragement, support and honesty.

Love, elly

Almost too tired!

Thanks to Sam, I didn't get much sleep last night. He got up at 130ish, in one of his "I'm crying but I don't know what's wrong and I can't wake up enough to ask" moments. I tried to console him, tried the bathroom and a drink, to no avail. Eventually he drifted back off to sleep. At 2 AM, the water softener started to regenerated, which always freaks Lucy out, so I took both dogs to the couch. About an hour later, Sam wandered over (he seemed to know right where I was), but didn't want to go back to bed. So, now we had 2 dogs, tired Sam, and tired grandma on the couch and Daniel alone in my bed. What a night!

Yesterday I realized that B had given my neighbour permission to build his shed on my property. Its only about 6 inches, but he told me this when I went over to discuss concerns that I had about their new driveway going on my property. I was not expecting the comments that he and his wife made, which totally discounted me, but I was blown away by this information. The fact that B didn't tell me about it makes me think that he knew I wouldn't have agreed, but who knows?

Regardless I was hooked emotionally, and then was reliving the other past hurts in our relationship. Of course, by now I'm crying and the neighbour is telling me repeatedly how nice everything will look and that it's not a big deal. He changed the subject at least half a dozen times and I decided I better get out of the conversation until I could think more clearly.

Digging in the dirt all day helped me to let go of most of the hurt I was feeling. My biggest realization was the fact that I was much more upset about B than the neighbour.

This morning, in spite of the lack of sleep, I felt more clear. I got my survey out, got a tape measure and a can of spray paint and marked where I believe the property line is. Then I went back to his house, told him what I had done and if he or his pavers thought it should be somewhere else to let me know. He suddenly seemed quite agreeable, but I still don't trust him. I've also asked my tenants to text me when the crew arrives as one of them is almost always home. I will leave work to see them!

I really enjoyed the family fun day at the Y after swimming with the kids. It was funderful!!

Thanks to the dirt! Thanks to Sam for reminding me how fortunate I am to have a comfy bed. Thanks to the Guelph YMCA and the mostly wonderful people who work there.

Love, elly

Thank god for church!

I spent most of the day out in the garden, trying to get something sorted out in my head. I had supper with Cory and Mary, followed by a hot tub, which wiped me out. I picked up Daniel and Sam on the way home for a sleepover.

I promise to share my insights tomorrow! Daniel loves grandma. Sam loves grandma too.

Thanks for grandkids to love and dirt to dig.

Love, elly

Bastard!

Peter threw my favourite black sweater in the trash! What an ass; I wore that all the time! It was light enough for perfect warmth without over heating. I think I'll look a bit longer. I looked at work and found 2 other sweaters I had left there, but not my favourite!

It was a blowout today as far as food goes. I forgot to mention that on Monday I was 207 lbs, my second week in a row of a decrease. I'm trying to use that to motivate. I actually think the blowout was hangover from yesterday. I spent several hours in "church" after work and feel better!

Thanks to my tenants for being awesome. Thanks to teachers who get it and mean it.

Love, elly

Negotiating

I have several significant reasons for still helping with negotiations.

Even though I withdrew from my position as president of the bargaining unit, the woman I was mentoring wasn't ready to take on the role...she did it anyway when I said I was quitting.

The woman who was our chief negotiator quit abruptly when her husband had some health issues, which I understand. No one else on the team has ever been at the table, so they have no understanding of how things work. I have committed to the end of this round, with a clear expectation that they better learn all they can while I'm there, because I will not continue past that.

The biggest reason is that I love working with words. I love getting the language to say what we mean and be clear and concise. I can see the solutions and am not intimidated by others at the table, so I can speak my mind. If it wasn't for the politics, which I detest, I would still be doing all of the jobs; I love it and I'm good at it. Unfortunately, if I continue, the politics will kill me.

We got through a lot today, especially considering that we are combining at least 5 documents, trying to ensure that we don't miss anything we need, but losing anything that's redundant.

I had a lovely supper with Paula after, but then came home and ate most of a bag of dried pineapple, which I got to replace the bag I finished yesterday. I guess they're going on my "can't have in the house right now" list.

Thanks to Paula for the deodorized coconut oil; all the benefits, but no nasty coconutty smell or taste! Thanks to Cory for finding my keys; could someone please find my black cardigan??

Love, elly

Darn!

I kinda wanted to skip tonight's post, but remembered that I already did that yesterday. It's so easy to just let it go at times, but it's so good for me to do, and I need the discipline. If I'm not consistent, I'm the only one that suffers.

I'm tired, my one eye feels like I scratched the cornea, and I have negotiations all day tomorrow, where our agenda is my presentation of our brief and explanation thereof.

This has been such a huge venture, as we are combining several agreements, and then the provincially negotiated sections get added after. I know for sure there are still mistakes and inconsistencies, but it's ok with me. I'm pretty much done with investing any more energy into prep.

Since the weekend, I've eaten a whole bag of dried pineapple! Yikes!! Otherwise things are fairly even.

What I would really like to do tomorrow is sit on the patio and read/nap all day, with a little church thrown in.

Thanks for dogs and birds, flowers and shrubs. Thanks for family that are friends too.

Love, elly

Karma

As we pulled into the parking lot at sick kids, where it costs a flat rate of $20. to park, someone passed off their ticket to us, good till 6 pm. When we left at 3, we passed it to someone just coming in.

The Dr says it's impossible to know if Sam has EDS, as he is functioning very well. Being a boy, he will have less trouble than girls, as they have the hormones that help the joints get loose for child bearing. There is no blood test for the hypermobility type, which he is most likely to have. He will see him again if he starts having more or more serious issues with it. Good news.

When we got back we attended a scout barbeque at riverside park, which was fun, but cold.

I went to home depot to get a few church supplies afterwards; they tried to tell me that the polymer sand was the stone dust I was looking for. I finally found it myself. Then I wanted rubber squares to connect together for putting my garbage bins on at the curb. They didn't have the clips to connect them; eventually I left without them, drove to TSC and bought a 3 ft by 4 ft rubber mat, same material and nothing to connect as it's all one piece, at less than half the price.

I figure starting and ending my day with good karma can't be beat!

I wore my yellow bra today...so wonderful!

Thanks to all the people who make a place like sick kids what it is. Thanks to my periodontist's office for working with my on again, off again, on again appointment for late this afternoon. Thanks for good tenants.

Love, elly