I was ridiculously tired!

I actually had to look at yesterday's post to make sure I didn't say anything ridiculous, at least not more riciculous than usual. I fell asleep 3 more times before I finally just hit "publish" and hoped for the best. I meant to tell you that I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 213 lbs, for a total loss of 81 lbs and 13 more to my next goal. I have a busy day planned today; good workout this morning, although my knee is still acting up a little since our beach walk. It still feels way better than it has for years though! I'm taking the van in this morning for a check on the electrical, getting a haircut at 12:30, walking with Jay, Anne and girls and then the girls are coming for a sleepover. I figured I better post now, unless I wanted a repeat of last night's ridiculousness. I continue to feel good having the shakes. Sometimes I have some broth or veggies and sometimes not. When I do, it's more because I want to actually eat something and not because I'm having cravings or am hungry. I have been finding that something crunchy really satisfies that need very well. Celery and cucumbers are my friends! I'm also settling into the process of becoming single. Changing a few things around the house is helping. It will be a long road, but I am determined not to blame either one of us and do my best to be kind. That's it for today, other than to wish each one of you a Happy New Year (especially Jay!) and safe festivities this evening, elly "Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not." Vaclav Havel

almost forgot

I was snuggling in bed with the boys, D and S, going over the day in my head..."oh shit!" I almost forgot to post to my blog. It was a good day, good workout this morning, got lots done at home, walked in the sunshine and had the boys for a sleepover. I rearranged the bedroom and they helped me hang the mirror back up. Just fell asleep, time to pack it in! Gratefully, elly

oops

Thanks to Jen for pointing out that I didn't post yesterday. It's fine if I decide not to post, but when I think I have and didn't hit "publish", it's frustrating. I might never have noticed! Then you would have missed the "Aubrey" antics... He slept till after 8:15 this morning, although Adrian was awake just after 5! We had so much fun before dad came to pick them up. We built forts, drove trains and trucks, read stories, fought over diaper changes and Ad learned how to keep Lucy from jumping up and licking him till he's crazy. All in all a great time! I went to Cory's to help with some shelf building and floor mat laying with her and Mary. Then came home and took the dogs out for a long walk, came back home and vegged with a book. I've sorted some kitchen things and am putting my new magic bullet away...it will be hard nor to use it for another month when I can eat more again. I'm still feeling really satisfied with the nutrition from the shakes and am still eating something crunchy most days too. I am missing clinic and the other people walking this path with me. Still another week and a half before we meet again. I have another week off work and intend to enjoy it to the fullest! In appreciation for another lovely day, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." Douglas Adams

good tired

Market day with the crew from the Peg today. It was more quiet than usual, which was kind of nice as we had more time to visit. Kelly and I shopped for shoes after and I bought a pair of boggs, which should keep my feet dry and warm. I had a delicious nap this afternoon and then Ad, Aub, Em and Grace came over. We made supper, had tubby time, a little TV and then we started "stay in bed Aub", "back into bed, Aub", laying down with Aub and then moving to another bed and then some more "Aub, "stay in bed", "back to bed, little guy". Eventually he caved! I am blessed, elly This quote really speaks to me about addiction: "I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think." Richard Pryor

opportunity

Today I took advantage of the opportunity to have an impromptu visit with friends in Sarnia. Mia was going to take some pics of baby Liam and I not only tagged along but brought Emmy with me too. It was an extremely enjoyable day with a great walk on the beach and lots of baby snuggles. We had promised to have Emmy back by a certain time, but she misplaced her phone and I misplaced my keys. When we were finally on our way home, I ran out of wiper fluid and had to stop to fill it up. I woke Emmy doing so, but the exciting part was that she had even fallen asleep, as she has not done that, even as a baby. Tired and content, elly Pete, either I'm too tired to get what you're saying or you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Regardless, I love you immensely. "Life is a gift and it offers us the privilege, opportunity and responsibility to give something back by becoming more." Tony Robbins

today

Today I can admit that I was angry yesterday; Angry at the unfairness of loving without return; Angry that sometimes good dreams still die; Angry about loss. Today, having acknowledged my anger, I was able to let it go, mostly. There are worse things than unrequited love, like not loving. Today I'm grateful for being clean so that I could know my anger. If I had eaten to numb it, I would have taken all that anger and turned it on myself and then I would have been doubly angry! Today was a wonderful mix of good company, walks in the cold, play, generous gifts, food and drinks...in that order! I am the most blessed person in the world to have such a wonderful family. They are all uniquely wonderful (read weird) and I appreciate the few add ons we have sometimes too. Thanks Danny, for sharing your family! Today I am deliriously tired and happy. I also tossed all the leftover treats, squares etc in the garbage. Love to all, elly "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" Dr. Seuss "Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it." Kevyn Aucoin

Happy ho ho

I walked over to Raglan St this morning to share breakfast (net really), visit with visitors and read some new stories. Bacon smells amazing!! I walked home again and started sorting and prep for tomorrow, the real Christmas celebration for me. It became rather difficult as every time I turned around, I came across something of Bernie's and I would set it aside for him. At some point I realized that I wasn't prepared for that to be my Christmas, so I stopped, thought about my morning visit and all the other things I am grateful for and got ready to go for supper at Mary's, which is always amazing! As usual, my spirits lifted almost immediately, being surrounded by family. I soon realized that it would not be that simple today; for the first time since I have been trying to change how I relate to food, I could have eaten every bite of every appetizer on the table! Yikes! I had a club soda and accepted that people were willing to help by removing dishes. I smelled the liver pate, several times, and it smelled wonderful. I was able to suffice with that aroma and had another club soda. Then at supper, I probably had twice as many green beans as I am allowed on the program, but I was OK with that. I think it was a good choice considering how I felt and all the other delicious options. It was past my bedtime when I got home, so I let the dogs out and shovelled the driveway instead of walking. Now I'm going to bed and hopefully the headache that I've had most of the day will be gone when I get up. Merry Christmas, elly "Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." David Ogden Stiers

Christmas Eve

This day evokes lots of memories, some good, some not so. While I certainly remember feeling appreciative of the special treats we might get for singing in the choir, and the excitment of staying up late to go to midnight mass, nothing can compare to the genuine gratitude I feel for the simple things today. An early morning visit to the pool, a visit with Nana, Danna and Chris, including my 2 little men, seeing the dazzling sunshine on the inch thick layers of ice on the trees, a little quiet time at home, a shovel, a lovely visit and supper with my Mia and Cory, a walk in Paula's bogs in the crisp cold air... Yesterday I was reminded of how fortunate I am that I enjoy my children so much. You already know how I feel about my grandkids, but I really want to say how blessed I feel about the "in-laws" I have accumulated. Anne is so open and genuine, down to earth, Danny is so honest, funny and kind and Jen is so generous, thoughtful and sweet. I am so grateful that they each give me their respect, kindness and willingness to talk openly. I just love them all!! I weighed in at the Y this morning (1 day late) at 214 lbs, for a total loss of 80 lbs and 14 more to my next goal! Thank you for accepting me as I am and allowing me to love you too, elly "Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." Calvin Coolidge "Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." Dr. Seuss

water and air

I spent the day with Tim, Jen, Aubrey, Adrian, Jason, Anne, Emmy and Gracie. It was such a gift to me! We played in the water all day, until we were so tired out from the seeming lack of air in the place that we had to go home. The very best was being in the outdoor heated pool while the wintry air surrounded us. It was the only spot we could stay for long because the air was so awesome out there. A total day of fun, relaxation, good conversation and comraderie. I also was not in the least bit jealous of the crappy food they had there! Gratitude for days of grace, elly "My friends and family are my support system. They tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and they are there for me in the good and bad times. Without them I have no idea where I would be and I know that their love for me is what's keeping my head above the water." Kelly Clarkson

quiet, awesome day

OK, not that quiet, but quiet inside me and that's where it really counts. I went to the pool as I haven't felt very safe walking much with all the ice we have around. Definitely a good choice and I felt good. I got a message from D this morning saying, please can I come to your house? What is a Gramma to do?? I picked him up and told him we need to try and get some of the ice off the cedar trees so they wouldn't break. He was excited, and so we got started. I had a window cleaner on a long handle and I attached the extension handle to it and started bashing at the tree as far up as I could reach. Daniel also tried and all we accomplished was to break the top off the window cleaner, break the extension handle and break lots of small pieces off the cedars. We did very little to actually remove any ice buildup, so I decided the trees were on their own, that they would survive or not. We went in and built an awesome fort, built a ramp for racing marbles and beanies, chased each other with the vaccuum, moved some furniture (good thing he is so strong!), ate some cheese and crackers (him, not me), watched a movie and discussed the merits of a magazine rack for his mom for Christmas. She was surprised by his generous gift when she arrived to pick him up!! I finsihed re-organizing the basement and started some laundry and waited until D left to put ice melter on the driveway. After he left, I was thinking about something I heard about someone who is in the same bariatric program, but is much further along. The person is really struggling with over eating and I have already been aware that I'm more than a little worried about what will happen when life is back to a more "normal" food routine. Right now I'm clean and I'm always satisfied, so it's easy. When I have to prepare my own food again, I know it will be a challenge not to go back to old habits. I don't know, but I imagine that even for addictions that you never go back to your drug, the normal routines of life will probably have that challenge too. It seems difficult that after we kick this habit, we need to go back to our drug and wrestle it to the ground every day, because we can't live without it. I will continue to be aware and get ready to tackle the problem when it arises. You all need to know that if I need you, I will be asking for help. I NEED to do this, so I'm going to be ready with a plan. Thanks, elly "Gramma, don't put the ice melter on, I want the ice to stay!" D Slessor "Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best. Theodore Isaac Rubin

busy day with 2 little Crowes

I spent the day today with Adrian and Aubrey. We played, got soaking wet while walking, had a short rest, built forts, read stories, said "no" a lot and watched Charlie Brown's Christmas. it was an entirely wonderful day, ending with supper (read celery) at Mary's with Cory et all, Paula and Mike. I sorted out some more of Bernie's stuff, which seems to help me to come to terms with his leaving. Reading before sleep, elly "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive." Lee Iaccoca

ugly

On Wed when I was feeling very sad, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately thought, My sadness is so ugly! I stopped and looked at my face and really feel that it was ugly. I'm not sure if it's from years of being told not to cry or from being told as a child that I was being a suck, or maybe all people are ugly when they cry. I had to stop looking in the mirror because the message was totally negative. I suspect that I feel like no one wants to be around a sad person, so I should just not be sad. I do think it's critical to feel it when I am sad, in order to move through it and move on, but I will no longer look in the mirror! Paula and I got the car transferred into her name today and I'm excited for her. I hope she enjoys it as much as I have! We both answered "yes" at exactly the same time when we had to swear that I was giving it to her and no money was changing hands. Tonight at supper I enjoyed celery sticks with honey dijon dressing. Who would ever have thought that I could enjoy something so simple so much? Yummy!! Love, elly "Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion." Margaret Cho

8 years ago...

Emily Hope Crowe was born and changed my life in so many ways, all of them good! We celebrated with Grammy and Pa and Mom, Dad and Gracie pie! We sang Karaoke, walked the dog, had a snowball fight and there was just a wee bit of pouting near the end... Tomorrow will be a busy day, but hopefully the speakers will be interesting. I bought water and cookies and ordered coffee from Timmies. Someone made me shortbread cookies today and someone else made sugar cookies. I'm looking forward to feeding the kids! That's all I have today, but tomorrow is another day. Thanks, elly "Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap." Barbara Jordan

yummy smells and sadness...

Today was our annual Christmas dinner for our students and guests. It was an amazing amount of work, of which I did a little, but what I did was appreciated, mostly... The only real difficulty I had was with a donation that was made to give a gift to each student. Another student took control of the whole process and it left me feeling a little robbed. I wanted the gift to be anonymous and she insisted on changing the whole way it was presented, as she wanted it to be done by the students. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much, except that even though I didn't want to be acknowledged, (I have done this for the last several years) I also didn't want her to be acknowledged for what others had done. Pretty sad, eh? I feel petty, but it really did bother me. I initially decided that next year, I would just not contribute, but have decided that I will still do something, but anonymously outside of this day. The awesome thing about the day was how much I enjoyed the smell of the rare roast beef, ceasar salad, carrots, beans, potatoes and sweet potatoes, gravy etc. It didn't bother me that I wasn't eating it and I really truly enjoyed getting to smell it! It was another great session at clinic and I was reminded again of just how very fortunate I am to have the support and encouragement of family and friends, to be able to walk and exercise and to believe that I can do this. I saw the Dr this week too and he has decreased my thyroid medication as my levels are now high due to my decreased body size. I did talk to him about possible decreasing my anti-depressant in the spring and he seems to agree. I saw Bernie after clinic when he was getting ready to leave for work and I was quite overwhelmed with sadness about our marriage. The hopes and dreams tht I had for us must change and I think it is the loss of the things I wanted for us that made me so sad. I went for a walk right after I got home and that did seem to help. So now, I've had a good cry and will carry on. I also got an awesome Christmas card with a pic of 2 of my favourite little guys on it, so I had to call to thank them. That really cheered me up! In humble appreciation, elly "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." Ashley Smith

3 more days!

I don't really care about how many more sleeps till Santa comes, but there are 3 more days till I have a break from work and that I am really looking forward to. A lot of people have such a hard time during the holidays and our students have lots of reasons to have a hrad time. It will be nice to bask in the relative "normal" life that my weird family entails. There continues to be a BIG learning curve for the new people in HR and it is making the afternoons more challenging too. A rest, yup, that's what I want, a rest! If any of you are interested Walden Farms now makes a calorie free series of salad dressings. They are very reasonably priced, but are only available at some Sobey's stores right now. There are a lot of varieties; I have tried the honey mustard, which I added more mustard to as I found it a little sweet. Next week, I'm getting a ceasar to try and will let you know what I think of it. It has been nice to enjoy a salad! I'm continuing my daily after-supper walks and tonight I met Danny and the boys and we looked at Christmas lights in the neighbourhood. Life is good, elly "Keep your chin up and a grin on!" Hunter Girl "Thou wilt find rest from vain fancies if thou doest every act in life as though it were thy last." Aristotle

feeling better

I woke up this morning and was shocked to discover that I wasn't sore, at all! So much so that I shoveled the 2 new inches of snow from the driveway before I went to the Y. I was thinking about it while walking tonight and realized that numerous aches and pains have diminished recently. My knee still feels unstable but there is definitely less pain. As well most of the worst pain happens during the night when it gets into a bad position and comes apart. I am walking faster and easier, except for the occasional slip on ice or slush. I may be forced to wear the yak trax one of the kids got me a few years ago! My balaclava is awesome too and it's from dollarama. Of course my spirits are improved as well and I'm feeling more stable emotionally too. When I think about what a vicious cycle depression and eating have been for most of my life, even I am impressed. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 218 lbs for a total loss of 76 lbs and my third goal achieved. My next goal is to reach 200 lbs, with 18 more to go. Thanks for the love, support and encouragement, elly "Improvement begins with I". Arnold H Glasow

what a terrible, marvelous day

I didn't get much sleep last night, but I got to wake up with 2 of the most important young men in my life; There was a ton of snow in my driveway that needed to be shovelled and I was able to shovel it; After the second shovelling, my back is quite sore, and stretching feels so good; I had lots of garbage to drag out to the curb and that's because I sorted and cleaned the basement (mostly); My Lucy barks so loud sometimes, and my dogs are such a comfort to me in so many ways; I have to get up early to be at the gym and get to work on time, and I love my job (I know you wouldn't always know that from what I say); This afternoon I broke a picture frame that I really like and I was able to glue it back together; I moved the furniture around in the basement and ended up with the sewing machine in front of the window; I have raised 4 kids pretty much alone and I like them and their spouses a lot! A really really lot; I am an addict and food is my drug of choice; When I'm clean, my brain works! I'm so very very blessed, elly "It is always the simple that produces the marvelous." Amelia Barr

no blog tonight

It's story time for the boys... elly

sick? or just tired?

I am either sick or very tired... I'm very nauseous, so much so that I'm gagging. I don't usually puke unless I'm nearly dead! I wanted to tell you how much I am getting the mind body connection and exercise is the answer for both. That's the short version cause I'm trying not to puke. My warm clothes are awesome and I bought a balaclava too. Calmly, elly "Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self abuse and regret." Miguel Angel Ruis

better

Busy day, but much better. After work I bought a down jacket and 2 pair of fleece lined pants, that were outrageously expensive, but they keep me warm and they fit. It had to happen. Cory, Mary and I went to see Andy and Denise's new place in Elora, and even though it was late when I dropped them both off, I went for my walk and will do a few stretches. No time for more, but things are back in perspective, and that's probably the fastest I've ever fixed that! Seeing as eating and depression have been a vicious cylce for many years, I will celebrate that! Love, elly "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." Buddha

argh, depression!

Well I awoke this morning and knew that I would not make it to the gym. I thought about not going to work, but put it off. I read for a bit and by then it was too late to call in to work, so I got up, without turning on my happy lamp. I had my shake, fed the dogs and let them out and went for a shower, the whole time thinking about what was going on. Kind of ironic that I've been thinking about decreasing my antidepressant more, eh? That is definitely what happened. Luckily, I know what to do for that! The extra walks I'm doing are no longer optional, and neither is the gym. To that end, I went looking for some wind pants to help keep me warm, because I'm really feeling the cold. If you had told me this in the last ten years, I would have laughed. I don't think I've even had a winter coat on more than 6 times in the last ten years. The hot flashes kept me warm no matter where, no matter when. Now, partly due to the weight loss and partly because the flashes seem to be over, at least for now, I am freezing! I will also postpone looking at another decrease in meds, at least till the end of winter. It felt good to figure it out and act on it and after my walk I realized that I may need to get a bellaclava too. Peter, is that how you spell that? That's all for tonight, as I'm going to do stretches. Love all of you, elly "Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment." Grenville Kleiser Amen to that!

reverse

Well, I felt great this morning and had lots of energy. However, as the day wore on I got tired and this evening after I got home just after 7, I started to feel nauseaus. I have noticed this in the evenings before and think maybe it's a side effect from my antidepressant. I have weaned myself from 225 mg to 75 mg and I think there is one lower dose. I'm going to ask the Doc next week when I see him, if he can change it or if I need to see my GP. I think my GP is still off sick, so hopefully the Dr at clinic can do it. I also had bloodwork done today to check my thyroid levels. With this amount of weight loss, I probably need a lower dose. I had some other things I wanted to share tonight, but it will wait. No walk tonight and no stretches, straight to bed! Clinic tomorrow. I got to watch Emmy at her concert tonight, and spending time with grandkids fixes everything! I don't even care about spelling tonight, so have at 'er, Pete! Love, elly

so excited!

I was weary when I got up, dragged my ass to the gym and spent the first 15 minutes finding very little energy. However, once I started my muscle work, it came right back. I figured it would at some point and I was prepared to just coast if it didn't. Spending 2 to 3 min in the hot tub with jets on my knee seems to be helping that as well. I weighed in this morning at 222 lbs, for a total loss of 72 lbs and 3 more to my next goal...OMG, so excited! It was an easy relaxed day at work and when I left at noon, Bernie drove me to pick up my new (read used) van, put the plates on for me and filled it up with gas. He is such a generous guy and I really appreciate him. I drove to Fergus, and when I was coming home after work, I stopped in at the dealer because one of the remotes wasn't working. They fixed it, I arranged for them to store my tires for spring and I think I might splurge and order some fitted floor mats. I can see so well, I love the ride and can't wait to drive it again in the morning...so excited!! I made broccoli soup again and it is so good and yummy and warmed me up from the cold. Next week I'm going to try a different kind. love, elly This really poke to how I'm feeling today; "Get excited and enthusiastic about you own dream. This excitement is like a forest fire - you can smell it, taste it, and see it from a mile away." Denis Waitley

sorting

It was a cold day to clean out the car, but seeing as I'm picking up my van tomorrow at noon, it had to be done. It really amazed me how much stuff I can collect, especially as it's a small car. I emptied it, cleaned it, including getting the goo off the dash from one or another electronic appliance that sat up there. Then I came in and started sorting! Purging is good for me and I ended up with just 1 container of stuff to go into the van. It also took me 2 hours to warm up! I will NOT be going for a walk later... I will do some stretches though, as that seems to help before I go to bed and I have managed it pretty regularly since I started. I also went swimming with Kelly and the boys this morning and that was fun. After I finished with the car, I sorted and packed some of Bernie's pictures and did laundry. Now I think I'll sit on my ass and read. By the way, I forgot to mention how easy it was to walk the hills around Teresa's house yesterday and that was not the case even 6 months ago. I also got a glimpse of how much I still need to learn as I drooled over sausage, chicken and cheese, but I only had my cup of broccoli. They assure us we will be ready when we are at that stage. Warmly, elly "We see things as we are, not as they are." Leo Rosten

memories

When I thought I was grown up, I still harboured resentments towards my parents. They hadn't done it right and I suffered because of it. They had too many children and not enough time to love them. They had to work too hard to provide for us and didn't spend "quality time" with us. Then I had children of my own and realized that there is no "right". There is never enough time or money and it is the biggest job in the world to continue to care and still find a few minutes to care for yourself. Today, I thought of my parents as we gathered as a family without them and thought of the gifts they have given us. The gift of work for others sakes, the gift of joy for children, the gifts of perseverance, generosity, kindness and hope. The gift of each other, so we would never run out of people to love and support us. The gift of knowing that there are many, many others with much less than we have. The gift of creativity to know that if we don't have it, we can figure out something that will work instead. The gift of boundless love and a belief in something "bigger" than us. The gift of struggling to overcome difficulty and the gift of knowing that it is a priviledge that not everyone gets. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad, and thank you! elly "You're not everybody either." Frits Rooyakkers

explosion

Yesterday was a cake walk compared to today. Today was yesterday exploded. So I'm gonna focus on the wonderful things: seeing odd John for a hug and a few nice words, walking in the cold, painting nails for Emmy and her friends for her birthday, a long hug from my son, stretching, a good mattress, cuddling with the dogs...today was a mighty fine day after all! Lori-Anne, thanks for the offer, maybe next week! In genuine appreciation of the gifts of writing, elly "Ramma bo bamma, I love you." A Crowe "Adrian bo badrian, I love you too!" Gramma

Full day

It has been a busy busy day filled with challenges, mostly other peoples; movement, mostly mine; conversation, shared; laughter, partly at others' expense, and shared; stretching, mine; and some real contentment, mine. Work, while a challenge, reminds me often that my difficulies are nothing compared to others and at the same time offers me an opportunity to feel the gift that is the honour of trying to find connection to build on. I feel badly for people who never find their true work, as it is so satisfying to know you are doing something that matters, at least to those we serve. And yes, it's true that sometimes we laugh inappropriately, because otherwise the grief would overwhelm us. We suffer so much vicarious trauma at work that there are times they call in someone to help us deal with it together. We often talk about dreaming of these precious bsings because they lodge right inside our hearts and our minds. This too is a gift. I'm still feeling a little nausea in the evenings but am doing better with shakes and have had soup several days as well. I also bought another broccoli to make more soup and also got some lettuce to try. I'm hoping to find some of the calorie free dressing that I've been hearing about so I can try it. As this is my second week of adding a walk after supper, I decided to add some stretching every evening as well. I don't know if this is too soon to be doing another thing that I want to become permanent, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I figure I need all the help I can get! Loving life, elly "Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." William James "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw

I never should have told Peter he was right about something!

Even though it's occasionally true, I'm convinced that it's a mistake to tell him. Then he gets all cocky and full of attitude 'n shit. So, Peter, I think you are wrong this time. I do not feel guilty when I feel good, but I am also aware that I will have days like today, when there are a few stark reminders of the loss I am experiencing. I didn't fall apart and I'm pretty sure I won't, but I still know that as we disentangle our "together" lives into more separate ones, there will be grief along the way. I think that it's important to expect that for a while and I would be foolish not to prepare for those times, so that they don't take me by surprise and knock me off my feet. Cause when I fall on my ass, I fall HARD! Plus there's not as much padding there as there used to be. Still lots but less. I hate to overstate my point, but I also think you are wrong about the back up camera for my car. It's not just the backing up visibility that I need, but all around. Today I bought an 08 Chevy Uplander with 114 Kms, basic, but clean and with great visibility all the way around. It is roomy and comfortable, I know the previous owner and who did all the services, plus they are putting 4 new Michelin x ice 3 snows on. I'm excited. Now, just so you know that I don't care if you are right or wrong, I love you immensely and am so grateful that you love me. At least you got that right... Clinic did not disappoint today, and the group is becoming more and more important to me. The information is pretty overwhelming sometimes because there is just so much, but the people are so real and truly a gift to me. I just don't really have words to describe the support and comraderie and friendship I feel from these people. I am truly blessed. Plus the 2 Lisas that lead the group are smart and funny and I think they like us! Living in gratitude, elly "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." Voltaire "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." Friedrich Nietzsche

exaggeration

I seem to have an incredible capacity to exaggerate, in my mind, in reality, good or bad, I can make it more than it is...or less! My knee pain kept me awake on and off all night. The reason that it felt better when I headed out to walk last night was that I hadn't walked Sat or Sun, so it got a good rest. However, I still believe that it will get a least marginally better over time. I'm finding that a few minutes in the hot tub or a heating pad helps and I will continue exercises. I may even break down and go for the physio they told me to go for. (Have you heard that before? Me too.) I had lots of energy today, inspite of the lack of sleep, and feel good. Lots of useful interaction happening at school AND principals are starting to call the office and ask questions! It has literally been years since I have started to encourage them to do that, and it is nice to find that at least a few of them like to work collaboratively and problem solve together instead of react and then deal with the fall out. It still means there are issues to sort, but I much prefer working together. I did well with intake today and also had plenty of water. The broccoli soup was pretty good, but next time I would double the broth, using just 1/2 cup of broccoli per cup of broth. Did I mention that I feel good? I also don't feel bad about feeling good, which is an important distinction for me. I know there will be more days ahead when I'm very overwhelmed and sad, but I need to accept and appreciate these days, so I will be ready for those when they come. To my new friends, who have been so kind, generous and supportive of my efforts, thank you! It is a real gift to allow me to know you and to have you accept me as I am. And I'm NOT exaggerating! Love, elly 'Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth." Stan Laurel "Exaggeration is truth that has lost its temper." Khalil Gibran

walking easier

Ok, the walking is ever so slightly easier, but easier, non the less. I find myself actually looking forward to my evening walks and although they are short (about 20 mins), I keep up a steady pace until the dogs need to crap! Even then, I try to walk on the spot a bit. When I think of where I was with this in the spring, and I was afraid to go down the stairs, because of the falls and walking was just too painful to do, it's a vast improvement. I had my shakes today and made the broccoli soup, but didn't try it yet. I really am puzzled by the fact that the evenings, which were always such a difficult time, are now the time when I am not hungry and do not want to eat. I am drinking lots, so I'll take it while it lasts. It was a challenging day at school and I wasn't really able to engage anyone in any active learning. I did get started on the second large tablecloth during my break though, which is white, and I'm putting a green edge stitching on it. I think it will be nice. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 225 lbs, for a total loss of 69 lbs and 6 more to my next goal. It's starting to sound impressive, even to me! My work in the pool continues to go well and I think my knee will eventually improve with the combination of muscle work and aerobic, especially with the added benefit of traction in the water. I didn't sleep all that well last night and will crash early and do better tonight. Gratefully, elly "Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very fast. Thomas Jefferson...yeah right, Tom!! "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." Helen Keller

lonely day

...and that meant that I had time to have phone visits with several of my sisters, which was fantastic. I also did laundry, sorted my "too big to wear anymore" clothes and went to the V.V. boutique (Value Village) to pick up a few things that fit better. I am sadly lacking in pants right now, but I just don't care. I will happily wear the same few pairs over and over. I had 4 shakes again today, but didn't end up making the soup; maybe tomorrow. I'm still struggling with getting the shakes in, but find I do better if I load up earlier, rather than later. I think later in the day, as I get tired, the emotions take their toll and I have to almost force myself to choke them down. Yesterday and today were slightly better though, so onward and upward! I remain open to ways that I might stay in the house. In appeciation, elly "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with." Wayne Dyer "For in the end, freedom is a personal and lonely battle; and one faces down fears of today so that those of tomorrow might be engaged." Alice Walker

busy busy day

Wonderfully busy with wonderful boys and other family. It is truly a gift to be able to spend the day with wondering minds free of the learned greed and hypocrisy that a major part of society seems to accept. I started the day with a shake, fed the dogs and let them out and headed to the Slessor's house to go to market. Sammy bear wasn't feeling well so Daniel and I went, got breakfast and visited with an elderly lady who told D that if he got into trouble, then he should get out of trouble! I dropped him back home and headed to the Crowes to pick up their boys. We went to the park, bought milk and took painting supplies over to auntie Paola's new house. Back to grammas for lunch, a nap and hungry hungry hippo. Then back to Marys place for supper and hot tub. Then we bundled up again and headed back to grammas for medicine, pictures, stories, more milkie and bed. I know it's just mundane things that filled the day, but it included the wonder and awe of seeing deer in the backyard eating apples, excitement about Christmas lights and the absolute joy of swimming in a hot tub in the cold wintry air. The laughter and joy overflowing and filling my heart. These things you cannot buy. I am still not hungry but did get my four shakes in today. Tomorrow I am going to make some broccoli soup and see if that appeals to me. In gratitude, elly "Wisdom begins in wonder." Socrates

I hate vehicle shopping!

OK, truth is I hate shopping, all shopping! I have been looking for something that has better visibility. I love my car and it's a good car. I love driving it, and it has new snow tires! It's just bad timing and I don't want to put out every penny for a vehicle. I think I might look at some vans... bigger than I need but good visibility and way cheaper. Bernie and I continue to sort through things and discuss options that are fair and reasonable. Our relationship is already improved, and I believe we are both feeling less stress. We will take whatever time we need. One day at a time. Another busy day at work with lots accomplished. Christmas parties are getting booked and I have never felt less compelled to attend. I don't want to sit down for several hours watching people eat. Our family Christmas I wouldn't miss for the world though. I'm excited for that! It's so different when you are with people you love and the sole agenda isn't food. At least not for us. By the way, I must acknowledge that Pete was right about it being easy not to be tempted with food while on the shakes. I don't think I'm alone in wishing that it could go on longer because it's so easy. I'm still tired emotionally and not very hungry, but am getting my walk in every day so far. My knee is complaining and I'm cold for the first time in 10 years. I'm wearing a knee support and bundling up. If you are able send us your lovin', elly "The road to positivity is strewn with the abandoned vehicles of the faint hearted." Peter McWilliams

share support

Today was a good day. A few of my students were away, so I had a chance to do some sewing that I never have time for. I put a rod pocket on a wall hanging for Christmas so we can hang it up. I got 2 tablecloths made for our community dinner which we do every year, and started a table runner for another one. While I was sewing, several students asked me about doing the sewing course. Exciting! I had a meeting to attend with a member in the afternoon and I was so grateful for the opportunity to share support with her. I am so blessed to have so much support in my life and it feels good to know that I was able to give back to someone else who needs it. She was so appreciative too! When I got home my husband took my car out and had new snow tires put on it, so I'll be safe driving in the bad weather; well as safe as I ever am! I am reassured that he is still the man I fell in love with. We will get through this. I am still having some difficulty getting all my shakes in, but am doing the best I can. I have been able to get out for a walk after supper again though, and it's still so freaking cold. I bought a knee support and it helped to keep it warm at least. I'll see how it is tomorrow. Love, elly "Surround yourself with people who provide you with support and love and remember to give back as much as you can in return." Karen Kain "Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it." Bernard Meltzer

adding more movement

Clinic was great as usual. We looked at all of the benefits of getting more exercise. It is the single thing that improves or eliminates all unhealthy conditions. I have committed to myself that I will add a 20 minute walk after supper at least 5 times a week. It was freakin' cold tonight but I made it. Now I have the heating pad on my knee and it feels good. I am still quite tired from the emotional rollercoaster and will go to bed early again. I am hopeful, thankful, joyful, funful and tiredful! Love, elly "In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." Deepak Chopra

better

I slept better, I feel better and I'm hoping for another good night tonight. B and I have talked some and I am reassured that we will be respectful to each other as we sort through this process. It is my genuine hope that we will remain friends and that would make me very happy. As for my appetite and hunger today, it felt much more "normal" to me. I wasn't really hungry, but I also did not have the ten pound stone feeling in my stomach. It's down to about two now, which is a huge improvement. I still didn't have any broth or veggies, but I had all of my shakes with no trouble, and lots of water too. For now, I'll take that. I even think that I might maintain that for the next few days, rather than push it by adding stuff back too soon. I am extremely grateful and appreciative of all of the people in my life who love me, warts and all. The people who support me, encourage me, listen to me, agree and disagree with me, and who make me a better person by knowing them. I am so blessed by family and friends, angels all. Love elly "Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart." Mahatma Gandhi

and sleep did not come

I know it has at least a little to do with the ten pound knot in my gut, which in turn has a lot to do with the end of my marriage. I'm disappointed and sad and yet I have no regrets. I gave it all the love I had and I thought that would be enough, which is the thing that is disappointing. I have suspected for several weeks that this was coming, but continued to have hope. Now my hope is that we will continue to be kind to each other as we go through the transition. There are a lot of unanswered details right now and neither of us want to make big decisions while we are grieving, as I believe we both are. I did manage to have my 4 shakes today, but not yesterday. I only managed it today by adding less water, so it was less to consume. It just feels like there isn't any room in there right now. At the same time, I do not want to lose any lean muscle by not having the proper nitrition. I haven't had any broth or veggies for several days, but at least I am determined to get the shakes in. I am so grateful for having had this marriage and for knowing and loving this man. He has a huge heart and he's not perfect, as none of us are. I am also very grateful that several months ago I was able to make the decision to take better care of myself, like I have never been able to do before. You might think that I might be tempted now to be overwhelmed with sadness and just stuff it down with food, but I feel even more resolve. That decision was and contiues to be for me. The agreement is with myself to find other ways to address my emotions, even now. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 228 pounds, for a total loss of 66 pounds, with 9 more to go to my next goal. Tonight I am determined to sleep! elly I love this quote and the fact tht it reminds me of dad, "Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations." Red Skelton

decisions decisions...

It was a quiet day, mostly, and I spent some time cleaning and sorting in the basement, which doesn't always get much attention. I sometimes wonder if this place is more work than it's worth, but what are the optons...until I am totally crazy demented I want to be someplace where I can go outside, and I really love the yard. I guess that decision will happen in time.... The last week or so I have been looking at a vehicle that I could feel better in and see better. I love my car, except that I never feel like my visability is good enough, and the older I get, the better visibility I want. B took a Subaru Forrester out for a test drive that I was kind of interested in, but it had a burnt oil smell when he got back, so I'm not sure I want to risk the chance that it may have some engine trouble that hasn't been identified. I guess that decision will happen in time... Today is the first day that I have had trouble getting all of my shakes in. I really must start with the events of this morning, which maybe means that I am closer to the crazy dementia I mentioned earlier. I never reset my alarm on the weekends, but just turn down the volume on Friday night and turn it back up Sunday night. When my alarm goes off I turn on my happy lamp for 15 min, my phone alarm goes off and I get up, get my bathing suit on and get dressed. I feed the dogs, let them out, get my water and shakes prepared and gather everything up and get going to the gym. So this morning I had the car warming up, everything ready, my gym bag in the car and was heading out with my lunch bag and water, when I stopped in the driveway. You all have it figured out by now, right? Thank god that I realized before I actually got under way! Bottom line, I went back to bed, but wasn't hungry. Got up again an hour or so later and went for a swim, mixed a shake to take, even though I really wasn't hungry even then. I have been like that all day, and am still struggling to get the last one into me before I go to bed. I have been feeling some anxiety the last little while and maybe that is taking a toll. I need to get some bloodwork done and have been coughing for quite a while so it could just be that I'm a little run down. I will make an appointment for it tomorrow. I'm sure that the crazy demented decision will happen in time too, hopefully later rather than sooner! Love, elly "Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come." Robert H. Schuller "Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach." Tony Robbins

more tired

Yup, it was another night with not a lot of sleep, but in spite of that I had a good day, wasn't very hungry at all and didn't even feel the need for a nap. I love having the kids sleep over and I think it's good for me no matter what happens. What happened was that Sam cried, I took him and moved to the single bed, where Daniel found us and crawled in, which I tolerated for another few hours, before taking them both back to my bed. That was about 4:30, at which time Phyllis decided she had had enough of being displaced from my bed by kids and started whining. She even woke up the girls in the living room in the recliners. Honestly I was glad when we finally got up! It was wonderful to share Sam's 5th (3rd) birthday party with all the grandkids and most of the kids too. I had enough time to finish up some food for the dogs I was making with some old, freezer burned meat, make some apple sauce and go to Cory's with Mary for supper. The hardest part of the whole day was making the apple sauce because I love the way I make it and it is so delicious that I had to literally stop myself from licking my finger because I didn't think I could trust myself to stop there. I sure hope Bernie enjoys it! Overall I had a really enjoyable day and was so relaxed and tired that I almost fell asleep before blogging...that was close. "Grandchildren are the dots that connect the lines from generation to generation." Lois Wyse Be well, elly

fabulous Friday

I didn't sleep well again and was very tired when I got up. I didn't get to the pool and actually thought about not going to work. After I had my shake and shower I felt better and headed out. I was so excited that a blue fleece sweater that I haven't been able to wear for a while fit me again. However, when I got to work it was just too hot to wear. I was asked to go to one of the other high schools to pick up work for a suspended student, so I stopped by the house to change...phew! I had a great morning and felt good after we got busy. I also decided to wear a hat which I got a lot of compliments on. The afternoon at the office was also really productive. I brought home some yummy leftovers from last nights meeting for the kids for supper. Tim, Jen, Kelly, Danny, Jason and Anne all went to the movies, so I had 2 boys and 2 girls. Well, even though Grace and Emmy loved the chili and pizza, Daniel and Sam were having nothing to do with it. No way, no how. I would have been happy to eat the chili as people raved about it and it was full of veggies. I resisted thanks to the fact I still had a shake to have. The boys ended up having digestive cookies with nutella, mmmmm. By the time we all had a bath, watch Tarzan, brushed all those little teeth and got everyone settled, I was pooched. The girls are in the recliners and the boys with me, so if they get restless, I'm going to the spare bed. The kids are such a comfort to me, I expect I will sleep like a baby too. Hopefully we will all be up for market in the morning. Send me any sleepy vibes you can spare. Love, elly "Sleep is the best meditation." Dalai Lama "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." W C Fields

not feeling it today

I didn't sleep well last night, but had a good day. It was long however, and I just got home. If I want to have any chance of getting my ass out of bed, and no I don't mean Bernie, at 5:30 again in the morning, I'm gonna have to cash in early. I'm gonna snuggle with the dogs and read a little and that's all I got to say about that! "All we are saying is give peace a chance." John Lennon "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." Thumper

busy day

Some days it amazes me how much "stuff" can fit into a day... I tried out my new program in the pool today for the first time and I know it is going to be good. The new shoulder exercises are really targeting the areas where I need help and I'm excited that I may eventually be in less pain. I had a hard time getting it all done though. I got to work today to find that a student I work with was not there, but was able to spend the extra time sorting through information that was helpful and preparing some work for another day. Then my next class was so productive, it was just wonderful. It is such an awesome feeling to watch people grow and learn and it is a privilege to be allowed to be a part of it. I am truly blessed to love my work the way I do. Clinic this afternoon was great too. We are continuing with our study of nutritional information over the next several weeks, and there is just so much to learn and take in. I hope to remember at least half of it! We also shared email addresses today and several people said that they would like to read my blog, so I'm gonna try to figure out how to send the link... I'm not sure if you can tell the difference, but I have my computer back from John's hospital and I can tell the difference. The tablet is great for so many things, but I much prefer the computer for blogging. Apparently, it just had a fever, but it's all better now. So my theory about looking at food causing weight gain was a bust, thank god! I had to see the nurse and Dr today after clinic and I had to get weighed. The scales there showed 234 lbs, which is what I weighed at the Y last week, but I weighed myself at the Y this morning and it did not show a gain, but a 1 lb loss. So, onward and upward! Actually, downward!! I went for a massage treatment later this afternoon, which was good, as usual, and now I'm tired and ready to chill for a bit. Love, elly "Do all things with love." Og Mandino ...and I wonder if this one means that all of us trying to lose weight are idiots? ha ha! "Show me a good loser and I'll show you an idiot." Leo Durocher

wondering...

I won't spend much time talking about it, but I'm wondering if watching good food can make you gain weight. Paula made a wonderful supper tonight, which Bernie and she enjoyed immensely. It seemed last week when I watched everyone eat at D's birthday supper, it seemed like I had gained weight. Just for fun, I'm gonna check my weight in the morning to see... Speaking of weight, I forgot to report that I weighed in at 231 pounds on Mon, for a total of 63 pounds. I'm having some regrets about setting a bigger goal and will set an interim goal of another 25. In that light, I have 12 more to my next goal. The biggest challenge definitely will be not to look too far ahead and focus on achievements to date. So, yeah me! I met with the trainer this morning and I'm excited about the new stuff we set up. Tomorrow will be my first run-through of the whole thing and I will update. I suspect that the first while will be a challenge, but I know I have already noticed a change in my core, so that's exciting. Clinic tomorrow and I look forward to the next food lessons. Love, elly "The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized, never knowing." Jim Rohn I want to dedicate this one to Pete... "Crazy people don't sit around wondering if they're nuts." Jake Gyllenhaal

hungry

Today I made up for how "not hungry" I was yesterday. All day long, and still now, I could eat the arse end of a horse. Ew! My computer is at the hospital, and I'm hoping for a speedy recovery. "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." Mother Teresa And I don't know who said this..."I'm so hungry I could eat a scabby cat on toast."

down day

It was a quiet day, I went for a walk with the dogs, watched a movie and sorted and purged. I cleaned out the fridge, including disposing of some rather nasty leftovers. It's looking pretty empty these days. I finished up a whole whack of laundry, including all the dogs bedding and ours! I have been a bit down, but nothing major, and keeping busy was good therapy. I have some personal stuff to figure out, like we all do, and Sundays have traditionally been the day I sort. I don't always find answers, but the searching is good for me. I was not hungry at all today, but did manage to get all my shakes and a bowl of soup. I made a pot for B as well, but his has better stuff in it then mine! Love, elly "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up." Vince Lombardi "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept." George Carlin

gotta love technology

I really do love technology, WHEN IT WORKS! Posting on my tablet today as my new computer seems to be ill. I really hope it's not life threatening, but it seems serious. I will drop it to John on Mon to have a look-see. I got up early this morning and went to Raglan St and woke up the boys. Their parents didn't seem to mind too much as I got them dressed and took them to market. We had breakfast and did a little shopping for groceries and then went in search of piñatas. When we had those we had to get stuff to fill them with too, including 3 different types of whistles, rockets, bubble gum and chocolate money. They seemed to be a big hit. Then we dropped D off at home for his party and S and I went to gramma's house to play. Funny, he brought a movie be wanted to watch and insisted that it be on, but he watched very little of it, cause we were too busy playing. It was awesome! I admit I was a bit tired when he went home, but I didn't need a drink like the parents did! I came home, did some laundry and relaxed for the rest of the day. One thing that I noticed today is that I wanted to eat. I only felt that way when I was hungry and needed sustenance, but I have not really had a big problem with it until today. Not that it was even a problem as I didn't do anything other than have a shake, but I know I'm missing the act of eating. I suppose what I'm doing isn't really a natural thing, so I'm not really surprised, but I hope it doesn't become a bigger issue over the next few months. I haven't been eating veggies this week either, so I guess I will go back to that. I also have been feeling a bit frustrated about how far I have to go, so am going to work on a strategy to see all that I have done and focus on that instead of looking ahead. We never know what's gonna happen then anyway, but what I have done is real. I will not lose sight of the reality by worrying about the future. Love, elly "Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense." Gertrude Stein "Today's accomplishments were yesterday's impossibilities." Robert H Schuller ...the last 59 year's impossibilities!

stupid people

Stupid people were put here to test me, I'm sure. It's bad enough when it's someone asking a stupid question, but when the people you work for can't get it sorted, man it's frustrating. Sometimes my co-worker and I at the office make jokes about the answers we could give to people and it helps to be able to laugh about it. I know I am still quite impatient at times and I'm sure this is the lesson they are here to help me with! Another generally good day, but I have not had enough water to drink, so I'm gonna try to get in a little extra tonight. I'm also pretty tired and hope I can do some gardening tomorrow, so will relax for the evening, but I will interrupt my periods of inertia often to move and stretch. John, a "writ" is a piece or body of writing, among other things, so writting is what you do when compose a body of writing. Don't be so stupid! Thank god for weekends, elly "Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." John Wayne "An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise." Victor Hugo I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?" Eminem ...and my favourite... "You can't fix stupid. Stupid is forever." Ron White

Ooops!!

Well any of you who check in on a regular basis will notice that I didn't blog yesterday...well at least I didn't post! When I realized what had happened, I was determined to post yesterdays and still do another for today. The bottom line is that this has become more and more important to me, to help me keep track of what I'm feeling and doing by writting about it daily. I am certain that it is one of the tools that I will continue in one form or another as I progress and return to eating food and all of the adjustment that will come along with it. It was an enjoyable day with satisfying work and a visit with the Rev and her live-in clan. I love her dearly and am happy about our plan to see each other a little more regularly. Still coughing, but still hoping soon I won't! Love, elly "A mistake is simply another way of doing things." Katharine Graham "Delay is preferable to error." Thomas Jefferson

oh happy day

Happy birthday, that is, to Daniel. It is hard to believe that it was 5 years ago that I watched him come into the world and our lives, open his eyes and take his first breath. Such a privilege! It was a good day in the pool and I have set up an appointment with one of the trainers for next Tues to review my program, check some form and look at adding more muscle work. I'm looking forward to it. Another interesting day at clinic. We reviewed the new Canada's food guide and looked at portion sizes. They actually had rubber samples of food with correct portion sizes, which was a bit of an eye opener for some items. We also looked at ways to adjust the usual number of portions if needed to maintain weight, but still ensure proper nutrition. They also suggest that half of your plate should always be veggies, and if you want more, you can have unlimited amounts of the veggies we are allowed now, which are considered "free". After work, I took B to work and went to Angels for Daniel's birthday dinner. It was so much fun, and even though I didn't eat and the kids fries and chicken fingers sat in front of me, it really was not a major temptation. I enjoyed being with all the boys and they were crawling all over me and trying to give me "wet Willies", wrestling and generally having a rip-roaring good time! D loved his gift and the other kids really enjoyed the slime, squishy egg, wind-up toys and kaleidescope that I brought for them. I came home and had my cup of broth and feel great; and fortunate. Actually, I was thinking a little more about yesterday's post and I realized that one of the advantages that I have over most of the other people in my group is the plethora of love and support that is available to me every day from my family...and all I have to do is ask! Love, elly "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" Satchel Paige ...and this one is for D... "It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'" Sam Levenson

appreciation

I don't know how many times since I started this exercise I have realized that my prominent emotion is gratitude, but I'm grateful that it is. I think it is such a profound place to live from and I think it is the basis of love. Without it the lessons are just lessons, lectures to be endured, rather than gifts to be cherished and appreciated. I am grateful for my kids and their partners. I am over the moon for my grandkids. I love and appreciate my husband and the efforts he makes to support and encourage me and to get on a healthier path himself. I am grateful for my siblings and their partners (idiots) and their kids and what a marvelous gift a rowdy bunch of people who create magic together are. I appreciate my parents and the gifts and challenges that they provided for us, simply by being born and living, surviving. I appreciate the people who ask, who listen, who don't judge. I appreciate the struggle of every addict and their determination to overcome. I appreciate the courage of every person to live the very best they can every day, every moment. I resent the lack of understanding and real support for mental illness in our society, and the general unwillingness to even talk about it. I appreciate that the reason for my resentment allows us another opportunity to address the problem with love and courage. Thank you, my friends, elly "Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion." Dalai Lama "I would rather be able to appreciate things I can not have than to have things I am not able to appreciate." Elbert Hubbard

keeping on

Well, I went to the pool this morning and went to work. I managed pretty well and don't feel too bad. I will continue with the sinus rinses and get to bed early again, and hopefully it won't be too long before i feel better. I weighed in at 234 lbs today at the Y, for a total loss of 60 lbs and 34 more to my next goal. 60 big ones, pretty amazing! It will be a really big one for me when I finally reach the next one! I am encouraged by my continuing progress. "Slow and steady wins the race." Aesop ...and quiet may be stretching it, but I like this one... "It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones who win in the lifelong race." Robert W. Service

sick

After approximately 4 weeks after a lingering cough from my bronchitis, in awe because I have never had it without a sore throat and sinus involvement before, the damn thing seems to have created enough snot overnight to choke a whale. I feel more run down than the whole time I had the bronchitis and laid around all day, except for a couple of walks with the dogs. I intended to stop in to see the boys, but could hardly drag my ass back home. I watched 4 movies in a row and then just couldn't stand to have the TV on any more. I read for a bit and will go to bed early, and am hoping I will awake with better energy. That's my plan, cause if I have to take a sick day, I won't be able to go to the pool and I really miss it when I can't get there. I will use my sinus rinse before I go to bed and hope for the best! ...and this is very encouraging... "There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before." Henry David Thoreau

clarity

Some things continue to get more and more clear. It is fairly obvious to me that the only fast food I miss is Pita Pit. After watching the portobello pizzas being made at M and Bs, I would love the mushroom, pesto, peppers, cheese and BACON!! I really miss the hummus I make and will make some for big B this week. I miss fruit, grapes, watermelon, apples, oranges, berries and PINEAPPLE!. I miss nuts and avocado and shakes with spinach...and CHEESE, I really miss CHEESE! I had a wonderful day with the girls, we went to market, did their hair and went to the bazaar at St Joes, where I bought them both a hat and hand knit barbie bride dresses for $5 each! Awesome! The boys came as well and then we hung out for a bit together. (We saw Santa!) Then I went out and took a Subaru Forester for a test drive. I like it, really good visibility, power, nice size. I would really like something a little smaller, but don't know if I will find it with the visibility I want. I am not doing as well at home with interrupting my inertia, but at school am doing fairly well, using a physio ball whenever one is available. The kids like them too! When I get home, I really need to work more at it, cause I'm tired. Hopefully it will continue to get less so as I continue to lose. I miss Mary! I had a lovely hot tub with Cory and her babes and left when those darn pizzas were almost done. "One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer." Franz Kafka "For me the greatest beauty always lies in the greatest clarity." Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

Friday!!

It was generally a good Friday, too, no pun intended. I did miss pajama day at school, as no one told me, but it may have been too much for them anyway!! A productive day too, with only minor fires to put out. The very best part, though, was coming home to find my girls here. Their mom had asked if she should give them supper, but I assured her that I wanted to take them out. Emmy decided on pizza and Gracie finally decided on the golden arches. Em changed her mind and we were off for one stop instead of two. We ordered at the drive through, after much frustration from the order taker, who was very short with us and kept insisting that if you didn't get dressing on your chicken wrap, they would leave everything else off too, except the chicken. We got to the window, being told that they were waiting for one item, no indication of how long, nothing, so I said "just give me my money back and we will go to another McD. We got our money and as I started to drive away, I realized we were 4 dollars short. By that time we were past the window, so I had to park and go in. I spoke to the manager and recounted what had happened. She said the item was ready now and did we want supper on her? The girls were surprised and we went home to eat. Trust me when I say that not only was it not an experience I want to repeat, but the food did not appeal to me AT ALL! We went home and had a nice meal together and forgot about it. The girls are playing in the tub and then we are watching a movie and snuggling. In the morning, we will go to market, dye hair (purple streaks like Gramma) and go swimming if we have time. Happiness is sleepovers with grandbabies, even when they are no longer babies, elly "The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy." Sam Levenson "Never have children, only grandchildren." Gore Vidal

all quiet

Well it took me about 10 minutes to program my phone to alarm every 15 minutes this morning so I won't be doing that every day. Tomorrow, I think I'll try the stop watch instead. It was effective though, even though several kids looked at me kinda funny! It goes with the program, they think we are kinda weird anyway! I have a physio ball at home so will use that more when I'm sitting and may actually look into getting one for school too. Or I might start to develop tics or jiggles...bouncing my legs, dancing etc. it was a pretty quiet, low key day, just what I needed, elly "All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone." Blaise Pascal BTW Pete, what does this mean?? ABCDEFG....Goat, Girl, Goo Goo, Goggles G...g...G

inactive versus sedentary

Big lesson today at clinic, although admittedly I'm suspicious of anything starting with "recent studies show..." Roo, I would love your opinion! Apparently, the more time you are sedentary has more impact, or at least impact that was not previously considered, on your weight loss or gain. If you are generally active and meet the requirements for Canada's guidelines for activity/week, but spend a lot of your day in a sedentary job, you are at a higher risk, even if you do your daily gym routine. So our challenge this week is to track and break up our sedentary periods as much as possible, every 10 min if possible or 30 min at the least. Even standing periodically helps. I will be giving up my rolling chair at school, will park further away at the gym, school and office, and will stand when helping students whenever possible. I may set my phone to vibrate every 10 min to remind me, cause we can get pretty wrapped up in a lesson sometimes. At least I wasn't hungry today, so I'm glad that transition is over! We are also looking at what our priorities are for life, such as money, things, family, work satisfaction, health, self esteem, spirituality, power, activity, etc. We are listing them in order of significance and then looking at how much time we spend in a week on each item. Obviously, your higher priority items should consume the most time, so if we are not aligned that way, we are to consider how/where we would make adjustments. I'm still really enjoying the program, am learning lots and really like some of the women; others I don't know so much yet, as I sit at the other end of the room. With love and gratitude, elly "Rather than viewing a brief relapse back to inactivity as a failure, treat it as a challenge and try to get back on track as soon as possible." Jimmy Connors "If a brain is exercised properly, anyone can grow intelligence, at any age, and potentially by a lot. Or you can just let your brain idle - and watch it slowly, inexorably, go to seed like a sedentary body." Michael Merzenich YIKES!

hungry

Believe it or not, I think it's still catch-up from the extra hour on the weekend. I knew almost first thing this morning that I was gonna be hungry today, and I struggled most of the day with it, knowing I only had so much left to ingest. I did get some mini cucumbers though, and that helped with wanting something crunchy. I had some extra water and then heated up my last shake when I got home, and used a bit of extra water in it. That seems to have done the trick and I feel pretty satisfied now...phew! I stopped by Tim and Jen's on the way home and took the boys out to replace A's birthday gift...I accidentally got him the wrong "spot it" version, so then we had to play a few games when we got back, of course. Those boys are both SO awesome and I love them to bits! Tim and Jen are OK too... Big B has gone to St Kits to celebrate his grand daughter's birthday, so I'm home alone with the girls. I'm going to bed early to try and catch up on sleep I missed last night. "Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own." Mother Teresa I would have used a small G for god, but didn't think I should change the quote. I used it anyway because the last part is very close to what keeps motivating me...elly "God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well." Voltaire

growth

Sometimes the best you can hope for is that you will have opportunity to use the lessons and growth that you have earned/learned again another time. I am learning so much and growing so much and am full of gratitude, even through difficulty. Today was a day of many opportunities and gifts, not the least of which were giving myself a time-out at school, surprise hugs and kisses from 2 of my boys, a "not surprise" visit, with hugs and kisses from Pete, a walk and a cry in the cold with the dogs, a lovely call from my angel and my first real craving to eat! I realized that it had been bugging me a little all day, as they had pulled pork for lunch at school, and the office people were discussing the beef stew that will be served at the meeting tomorrow. I thought about it on my drive home and decided that I really want something crunchy. I have been cooking all my allotted veggies, so I could have a hot meal once a day, combined with my broth. So, tomorrow I will get some cucumber and some other raw veggies. I still feel in good control, or at least in a good place to problem solve. Actually, more that; being aware, being creative, finding solutions and opportunities to change and grow. I weighed in this morning at the Y at 237 lbs, for a total of 57 lbs and 37 more to my next goal. I am still immensely enjoying my new bathing suit! I feel good, elly "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." Viktor E. Frankl "Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth, We are happy when we are growing." William Butler Yeats

long day

...an hour longer than usual anyway. My brain still woke me at the usual time, somewhere between 4 and 5, so i read for a while, smug in the knowledge that I had more time than usual to snuggle under the covers. Phyllis and Lucy enjoyed the time under the covers too. It was beautiful, but cold out and we all enjoyed the time for a walk and some fetch. I did a lot of laundry, as I didn't do any last weekend so had a fair bit of catching up to do on that front. I even ironed! I spent most of the afternoon over at the Rev's new digs, replacing the dryer vent and emptying boxes. It was awesome. The only issue I had today was that I couldn't figure out why I was hungry earlier than usual, but of course, it was just that pesky extra hour. I still felt perfectly satisfied later in the day, and am certainly tired. "There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle." Deepak Chopra

helping out

The boys woke up about 6 this morning and needed to wrestle in my bed, with me! It was awesome! We didn't get to the market until about 9, but there were not as many people there as usual because of the rain, so it was fine. Normally being there from 9 to 10 would make me suicidal! OK, not that, but not happy. Sometimes when I have a lot on my mind it helps me to get out and help someone else. Thankfully, the Rev and her family have lots to help with right now. It was a real gift to me today, as it usually is when I spend time with family. I am going to make myself some soup soon, broccoli I think...mmmmm I am determined to be happy, elly "It is one of the beautiful compensations in this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." Ralph Waldo Emerson "As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others." Audrey Hepburn

awesome Friday

I had a meeting early this morning with a member and her new principal. It was interesting and eventually resulted in their agreement to both do some things differently, which was the best case scenario. Good morning at school, where I am not being tempted with food, at least for now. My co-worker at the office and I did some good work on our arbitration case this afternoon, but we did miss the office manager, who had a flooded basement due to a sump pump failure, just as they had moved almost everything in the house to the basement so they could replace carpets! I was really feeling for her today. The rest of the office was quiet too, and no temptation there. I have some clinic homework to do on the weekend, but for tonight I have 2 small visitors, who I am enjoying immensely. Their mom had to bring food with them as I have nothing in the house...now we are watching Goofy and they are eating popcorn. D tells me he can eat 2 whole bags of popcorn. I told him if he finished the first one I would make him another, but I'm betting I won't need to! Love, elly "I'm crazy about you too Gramma!" S Slessor

happy halloween!

...and it was! I had such a calm productive meeting at the Board office today, which started with an apology about not getting information to us when they said they would; it was great. Several of us dressed up and that was good too, nice to know even serious work can get a laugh. I was a shepherdess, with a black sheep. Really just a sheep skin, so I guess i'm not very good at my job... I went to the Board office searching for more black sheep, as I heard there were lots of them there! A productive afternoon at the office afterwards which made for a pretty rewarding day. I came home to discover 2 turtles on my doorstep, standing on their hind legs, saying trick or treat, so of course, I gave them half of my candy. Really, those Ninjas took it from me, yeah, that's what happened! As soon as he got his candy, S was taking his costume off. Then 30 seconds later crying to have it back on. Love these guys! A little while later I had a visit from a furry little mouse and a big round wheel of cheese, except that the cheese refused to wear his costume so dada carried it. He had no problem carrying his bucket of candy though! He even managed to eat a few while they were here. They both enjoyed seeing the costumes of other kids who came to the door. Love these guys too! My girlies usually go to their aunties for halloween, so I don't expect to see them, but hopefully will catch up with them on the weekend. Love these girls! It's just after 7 and things are quiet, so this may be it for the night, pretty crappy weather. Today I tried making one of my vanilla/orange shakes warm, and quite enjoyed it. I will try warming a chocolate one in the morning and hopefully it will be close enough to hot chocolate that I enjoy that too. I think I would find it hard, now that I seem to be over the worst of the hot flashes, to be drinking cold drinks all winter, so that will make a nice change. Roo, I am not scheduled to have my last shake at 7:30, it's just that I feel so full, that if I didn't make myself have the last one, I wouldn't, cause I'm never hungry after supper. We are the first group that is allowed to have the cup of broth and the cup of certain veggies and I think when I make soup it is so satisfying, and the shakes themselves have lots of protein, so you really don't have a lot of opportunity to get super hungry. They tell you that you must have all 4 though, because otherwise your body would start to eat your muscle, which makes sense to me. I almost think that I'm getting more calories than before I started the shakes! I am realizing how automatic some of my eating really has been. On the weekend with the girls at the cottage, I can't tell you the number of times that I almost reached for a snack, before I remembered not to. Today again, when I got the the office, there was a crock pot which still smelled so good; dark ale beef stew. I went to the fridge to see if there was any left over as we always eat leftovers from meetings for lunch the next day. Oops! Stopped myself, but there was none left anyway! I'm committed to making everything that goes in my mouth a conscious choice! Thank you all so much for the support, written and otherwise, elly "I only eat candy on Halloween. No lie." Michael Trevino "If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween." Doug Coupland

it was a day...

School was difficult; Clinic was great; Home was a challenge, emotionally; Massage was good, but painful; Seeing family at the Revs was the best part of my day! I am filled with gratitude and that's all I've got today! elly "After all is said and done, more is said than done." Aesop

longings

It was a fun morning at school, but we did get some work done too. It was a pretty busy and somewhat frustrating day at the office, trying to get information from the Board that they said they already had, but were unwilling to share. They kept saying they were going to send it, but then would turn around and say, we'll look at it at the meeting. Frustrating! Just before I left, they agreed to send it in the morning, so we'll see. I was determined not to take it home with me, and was fairly successful. I had prepared some soup yesterday, so came home and heated that up. B was just making some for himself so we sat down and ate together, which was nice. Then we talked about getting some more veggies and making a bigger pot of soup, using my allowed veggies, and both eating it. Good plan! So, we went out to the grocery store and picked up more broth and some veggies for the soup and some fruit for him to take on the road. That's when I started drooling at all the grapes, bananas, berries, apples, oranges, etc, etc. It's been less then a week and I am really missing fresh fruit....mmmmmm. I will partake again another time, but for now, will remind myself of the things I am learning in the meantime, in preparation for that. I can wait! Clinic tomorrow, which will give me more to think about again, more ideas and strategies. As an afterthought though, isn't it pretty amazing that I've craved fresh fruit and not chocolate, which I've had for a month for Halloween! Wohoo!! Longingly, elly "Is there anything better than to be longing for something, when you know it is within reach?" Greta Garbo "If some longing goes unmet, don't be astonished. We call that Life." Anna Freud (sounds like Peter, or is it John??)

realization

At some point today it dawned on me what people meant when they told me they missed me on the weekend. At first I thought, I probably wouldn't have seen (them) anyway. It hit me all of a sudden at the office this afternoon, and what a delight! I have been writing to help myself and to get support from those willing, but it seems to have also had the effect that others miss me when I'm not talking, which is a real, true gift to me. Often in the past I have thought of myself as being a pain in the ass, or a bother or always needing help with something. Now don't get me wrong, I still know that I'm all of those things, but I'm also starting to believe that I matter to people, and that in some way, it helps them to help me. Anyway, thank you all! I weighed in at the Y this morning at 242 lbs, for a total loss of 52 lbs and 42 more to my next goal. I bought a new bathing suit and it feels so good, plus I like it! I am having on-going problems with my left knee, so I guess I'll have to get out the requisition for physio I got and actually follow up. It was a good workout regardless. The eating/drinking continues to go well. I really enjoy my broth / veggies every day, and the only issue I occasionally have with the shakes is clumping. I bought a milk frother at Canadian Tire today and will see if that makes any difference. I certainly continue to feel satisfied with my intake and continue to focus and unlearning old patterns during this time. Thanks again for loving me and right back atcha! elly "The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." Franklin D. Roosevelt And I really like this one! "Presents don't really mean much to me. I don't want to sound mawkish, but - it was the realization that I have a great many people in my life who really love me, and who I really love." Gabriel Byrne

home again

I left Friday afternoon, picked up Mary and Stella and headed up to Sauble. The rest of the gang joined us eventually with the weather VERY windy and chilly. It continued that way for most of Saturday, although we also had some sleet and some fair sized hail. It didn't stop us from getting out to the beach, and being attacked by rogue waves occasionally. We managed to get wet in one way or another, but also played games, cut and coloured hair (purple for me), laughed, ate awesome food (them, not me), read, puzzled, laughed, hugged, drank and generally had a great time. I appreciate that these lovely women included me in everything, even though I was not eating anything. They had all kinds of home made terrific food, bread, desserts and snacks and I had no trouble. I am so supported by these people, it's mind boggling. I was aware of the number of times I reached out, almost automatically, to just try a small bite of something, popcorn, nuts or chips, but I just reminded myself, what my goal is and that I can unlearn that automatic behaviour! This weekend was a good start. The other thing that was a huge awareness, being clean, was just how awesome this group of women is, who are my friends first, and sisters second. They are such a profound gift to the universe, but especially to me. It is also a real gift to be able to spend time in such a beautiful, peaceful place, and I thank the kind people who own it for being willing to share. I tried the berry metamucil with the vanilla shake, but am not a big fan at all. I will try a few other things, but for now feel content with the chocolate and vanilla with orange metamucil. I also enjoyed my broth and veggies and will experiment with them a bit too. It's amazing that even though there is very little salt in it, it is still a nice savoury change from the shakes. When I got back, I took Ad's birthday gift to him (which I have to exchange, cause I got the wrong one), and played with the boys a bit. I avoided the other boys, as I heard they are puking!! I am seeing the girls on Friday!!! I'm so happy for sister's weekend, and glad to be home, elly "Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey." Tad Williams

shake, shake, shake

Well, day one of nutritional shakes under my belt. I was a little concerned that I wouldn't like them enough to keep motivated to persevere. Wrong! Not only do I like them a lot, I tried a few different ways to have them and I like them with lots of water, which is a bonus because it's really important to stay properly hydrated. My favourite so far is the vanilla shake with orange flavoured metamucil mixed right in...Like an orange creamsickle! I also like the plain chocolate, but am also going to try mixing it too, maybe the orange, or I also got mixed berry metamucil. I also tried the soup tonight, and found I enjoyed the broth more by itself. I'm going to try it again with onions. The other thing that surprised me, even though they told us about it, was how full and satisfied I felt. I had to have my last shake at 7:30 and if they had not told us to make sure we had all of them, I wouldn't have! Apparently this is the optimal number of calories, protein etc to have the fat stores be used for fuel. Yahoo! I have a training session to attend in the morning before heading out to the cottage. I may not be able to post there, so don't worry if you don't hear from me. If I can, I will. I'm also redoing the purple streak in my hair while we're away. Last but not least, tomorrow is big B's birthday. Send him some lovin' if you feel inclined. I know I am! Lovingly, elly "I like people who shake other people up and make them uncomfortable." Jim Morrison and I really like this one..."In a gentle way you can shake the world." Mahatma Gandhi

learning

Still coughing, but hoping it will diminish soon. I'm going to the cottage with my sister friends no matter what. If I piss my pants from coughing too hard, they don't care, and neither do I! Another clinic visit today and lots of information about different ways to prepare and enjoy our shakes. One of the things they suggest is to mix flavoured psyllium fiber with the shake. We have to have at least 4 doses of the fiber every day, as it is the only thing missing, nutritionally, from the shakes. I had my first one tonight for supper, enjoyed it and feel quite satisfied. I am going to experiment with a few different recipes over the next while. We are also allowed 1 cup of "no salt added" broth a day, as well as 1 cup of certain veggies. I'm gonna make soup! We also talked about some strategies to deal with people who will want to sabotage us by leaving desserts around or doing "treat yourself" or "one bite won't hurt you" kind of thing. Not that I think I will have any problems with that, but good to think about regardless. I also saw the Dr today and he said all is good. My blood pressure was up slightly, probably from the coughing. The nurse, who we see every other week, unless we want to see her every week, who was hired the day before our group started is the mom of one of Paula Mia's old high school classmates.. Small world. We can also call the nutritionist or the social worker any time between visits if we want or feel the need. When we were waiting to see the Dr after the clinic, I was thinking about the session covering Christmas and new years, and I feel that it's the perfect reason NOT to overindulge at a time of year that is often difficult. I'm happy about it! Really, more and more, I'm just happy, period, elly "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." George Bernard Shaw ...nothing to do with my post but it made me laugh, which makes me happy!

so blessed... so fortunate

Spoiled rotten, some would say. It's true, I know it, and yet I bitch, complain, grouse and grumble because I have a cough. I guess all of those things can be true at the same time, but I think the universe deserves better than that. I just need to spend a few minutes thinking about people who suffer constant pain and sickness, some with no access to medical care at all. I also have the good cough syrop! How truly blessed we are. If I even get started on the number of people who don't have a single person who believes in them or loves them or who don't have family close by, or maybe don't even have family. Teens who live on the streets, some with babies, or suffering with addictions, and I have the most amazing family and friends who not only love, support and encourage me, but who also have an amazing range of gifts and talents and are usually willing to share advice and/or actual physical labour. How truly blessed we are. We spend our money frivolously on things and complain that we never have enough, money or things, when even the poorest people would agree that we not only have way more than we need, but that it actually prevents us from truly appreciating what we have. How truly blessed I am! Increasing my ability to live in gratitude is only one of the many gifts I have received since starting this daily (almost) blog, but certainly not the only one. I am really blessed beyond measure. With love and appreciation, elly "People have often asked me whether what I know about love has spoiled it for me. And I just simply say, 'Hardly'. You can know every single ingredient in a chocolate cake, and then when you sit down to eat it you can still feel that joy." Helen Fisher and this just because it reminds me of so many of you, and I like it! "A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he's talking about." Miguel de Unamuno

another day

Another day, not feeling great, but doing OK. The font has changed here and I haven't figured out how to change it back yet; the title is still the same font, but not the body...ideas anyone? I had some of the homemade soup for supper and I'm gonna take some cough syrup again tonight and go to bed early. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 244 lbs, the same as last week, and 44 more to my next goal. I am OK with it, especially as I've been feeling so crappy, and having some hot water with honey to help soothe my throat. In gratitude for my life, elly "Honey isn't really that good for you." Erykah Badu "Hope is the only bee that makes honey without flowers." Robert Green Ingersoll

almost made it...

It was a beautiful day, in spite of calling for rain. It was sunny on and off all day, which was great. I read a bit before I got up, let the dogs out and went to the pool. I usually pick B up Sunday morning, so don't often get there. I spent a relaxing couple of hours, came back home and took the dogs out for a run, them, not me! I came home, did some laundry, made a pot of soup, read some more and watched a little TV.

I kept quite positive all day, but just before bed I crashed a little. I recognized that acknowledging the fact would probably be enough to dispel it, and I was right. Something just happened to the post and I don't know what, but it looks funny. I don't care enough right now to try to fix it. Be positive and breathe... and no more coughing please, elly

healing

I'm sick and tired of being sick so I am going to focus on healing. I'm pretty sure that is the advice I would get from the author of the book I'm reading, Darren Hardy. The premise of the book, The Compound Effect, is that the more consistently you do anything, the more ingrained and automatic it becomes, which, of course, sounds simple. He goes on to make suggestions about how to make the best choices for yourself, based on your priorities. I'm about 2/3 of The way through it and then I intend to read it again to do more of the exercises. Thanks, odd brother!

I have tried to rest most of the day, but it's not my forte. I have been taking some oil of oregano, which tastes horrid, but I'm convinced makes a big difference.

Tomorrow, big B is going to Cleveland, so I plan on doing some strolling outside, rain or shine, while I think about being healthy. Apparently whatever you are thinking about just before you go to sleep keeps working in your brain while you sleep, so it's a good thing I'm blogging in bed!

Send me healing thoughts and energy if you can spare it. If you don't have enough of your own, feel free to have some of what will be sent to me!

Love, elly

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

"The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love." Hubert H Humphrey

sick and tired

I went out for a lovely supper with Jason, Anne and the girls, who I am very thankful for. Now I am going to bed, in the hopes that I will not have bronchitis.

"The world will change for the better when people decide they are sick and tired of being sick and tired of the way the world is, and decide to change themselves."  Sydney Madwed

my arms don't fall off

I have mentioned that I have been going for a new massage treatment, which I happened (?) to start right around the time I started to really get what it is that I need to do to change my life permanently for the better. I am certain that it is partly responsible for the change. Anyhow I went for a treatment today and I need to have my arms at my sides during the massage. Until today I had to tuck my thumbs under my butt to prevent them from falling off the sides of the table. Not today; my arms don't fall off any more.

I did get congested and started coughing a bit during the treatment. I either got the awful cold that B has had for 3 weeks or I was letting go of some old crap...maybe both. Either way, the plan is the same, eat light and often, swim, stretch, rest, drink lots of water, keep warm and go to bed early

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?" Bob Marley

I resent that non traditional forms of care are not as available as I would like. I release the resentment to the universe.

I appreciate that have been feeling really open, my heart, my mind, my spirit. I accept and allow this in my life.

Love, elly

"Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls."  Joseph Campbell