Getting my legs back under

The past month has been challenging. I've had some good awarenesses, and also some darkness. I think I'm getting back on my feet a bit and I'm grateful. Not blogging every day makes it harder to remember what I've already told you, but I don't really care and I doubt any of you do either. If I'm repeating myself, ignore me. If I've left out something and it doesn't make sense, just accept that it's often that way for me too.

I talked to Talaria about my concerns at work. I've been unprofessional in some things I have shared and also with my language, in front of students. The things were out of my mouth before I even knew I was going to say them. Considering that I've already been in trouble for swearing in front of adults, I was concerned that maybe I wasn't well enough to work. She told me that it's not uncommon to return to an earlier age emotionally, when doing this type of work. While she agreed that I do need to be in charge of it, being aware is important, and she thinks I'm fine to work. She also told me that it happens with lots of people who work with teens, as part of you tries to meet them where they are. She has been aware of doing that in her work with teens too.

We talked about how much support I get from my siblings and some of their partners. I told her that I had realized again, how safe I feel with them and that I know they help me when I need something. I also told her that I think it's pretty rare to have that many people love you unconditionally and she agreed. I also remembered how much mom and dad relied on their siblings and how obvious it was that they cared about one another. It's truly one of the greatest gifts mom and dad gave us, each other. Their siblings were obviously their best friends too, and they modelled that.

She assured me that the things I'm experiencing are very normal after a traumatic experience and she said that a group she runs for women all tell her the same things. At some point she said "Some of us" who are sensitive feel it even more deeply than others. Again, it told me I'm not alone.

I'm feeling much more like myself again, and I like that. I went to market with Adrian, Aubrey, Penelope, Daniel, Sam and Kelly and then spent the day with Tim's kids. I'm tired, but it's a good tired.

Much love, elly

It's a bust!

Yup, a bust. A bust without a decent bra. Although I did manage to pick up two that aren't horrendous at Wal-Mart, they really don't fit properly because they don't carry bras to fit me there. Apparently the gods decreed that Kelly would be tied up with the fire dept all morning at one of the properties she manages. That combined with the fact that Betty told me they haven't replaced their stock at Change yet had us delay the bra shopping till another day.

I'm continuing to struggle with my self perception. I'm struggling to get back on the wagon and so every time I put something else on that no longer fits, I feel discouraged and upset. However, I realize that it's not very productive and can usually talk myself out of it. Every day I get up to try again. Just keep trying. Just keep swimming. Just keep being as alive as possible in the moment.

I had a wonderful dinner tonight with my daughters. We went to the Aberfoyle Mill, compliments of one of Kelly's contractors. I'm thrilled they like her so much! Tomorrow swimming with some of the kids.

I'm still here!

Love, elly

It's time!

After two and a half weeks of not wearing a bra, the hardest thing about returning to work today was squeezing back into it. It's decided. If I have to wear them, they better fit. So as soon as I can get there, I'm off to buy two new brass that fit. No more, "soon they won't be so tight".

The last few days I've spent with family who are friends and I don't think there is anything better for my soul. I realized something this morning. Even though mom and dad never had enough time for any of us, I realized that I feel more loved and protected by the many siblings they provided. Over a number of years, that has grown to include most of my in-laws too. I know without a doubt that I could call any of them, or my kids and their spouses, and they would defend and protect me however they are able. This is the support that I need to focus on! It's not even that I need anything from them, just knowing that I could call and they would help!

There's a few other things floating around in there too, but I guess they're not quite done yet. So be it.

Much love, elly

More patience required

I know that I've been struggling a bit the past few days and I was really looking forward to seeing Talaria to discuss things today. After our last session I was confused about what we had discussed and I needed to clarify. We talked about protection and feeling safe. I was able to envision a time when I felt safe and I was to concentrate on that while I had the bilateral stimulation. She also suggested that I try to think about it over the next two weeks. Unfortunately I realized that this occasion was one in which I had orchestrated the safety and protection and I wasn't sure if that was what I was supposed to focus on. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I have never really enjoyed a sense of safety and protection unless I had orchestrated it myself.

Apparently this is an indication that she is proceeding too quickly. I think that my years of therapy make me understand the intellectual aspects of what I'm going through. However I think the grief and sense of loss are still with me and it's those things that catch up with me when I have more unstructured time, such as Christmas break. Christmas has been a difficult time anyway for a number of years.

So today we just talked about how I'm feeling about the lack of safety and protection that I experienced and she validated my experience. I find it quite ironic that she described my feelings about mom and dad as akin to a mine field, especially considering that so many of their earlier experiences were exactly that. We then worked at releasing some of the grief about it.

I don't even think of this as a real stumbling block as much as a deeper understanding of everything involved. I know from my own experience with teaching that it's impossible to learn anything without feeling safe. That's why one of our first priorities with our students is to find a connection for them. Something or someone that they can relate to and feel safe with. So it makes some sense that I'll have a harder time integrating these things on an emotional level because I never experienced that when I was young.

I don't even know if I'm describing this very well, and to be honest, I don't really care. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm still just as committed to figuring it out, but it might take longer than I'd hoped.

I had a lovely lunch with Teresa after and a walk along the river. By the time I got home I was so cold that I just couldn't get warm. I think that's also because of the emotional release I've been working on.

Really, in the big picture, I'm impressed about how much I've enjoyed this break, even eating well for a lot of it. The time I get with my grandchildren is such a gift and I feel so blessed that they're all close. Of course, when I fall, I fall hard, but it hasn't stopped me from enjoying the kids. I even gave away most of the second batch of cookies rather than eating them all myself!

Onward and upward!
Love, elly

More guests

Daddy catched a fish. He brought him home and he ate it with the turkey. The turkey was very very big. It was ginormous. Thank you daddy and Jesus. He watched a movie, read a story, go to bed. He was inside. Aubrey and Adrian were outside. He picked up neenie (adrian) at the store. Oh my god, look at hims butts. Nanana booboo, you can't catch me!
By Poppy (Penelope)
My story is about my family. We got our snow pants on, and played in the snow. A dragon came down and we rided on him. Then he dropped us off at home. Then we said thank you to the dragon. We had dinner lunch and breakfast with the dragon and we all had water to drink.
By Aubrey
Once upon a time I was at my friend's house. We played super smash brothers. Then we had dinner and we played more super smash brothers. I had a sleepover and in the morning we had cereal for breakfast. Then we played super smash brothers again. Then we had lunch and went home.
By Adrian
Get your feet under the covers, monkeys! Go to sleep. No farting, especially Adrian because he stinks! Love you, see you in the morning.
By grandma

The wheels came off

I fell off the wagon. I fell hard. I even got up out of bed to eat. Somehow, though I still think I'm ok. I had a wonderful time with the boys, so I really don't care about anything else right now.
Love, elly

Guest bloggers

Once upon a Christmas in the house, it was so silent that no one could hear anything except their breathing. All of a sudden there was a big clank but no one woke up. They were sleeping. It was Santa. Then he went to the table with the cookies and milk and ate it all up. Then he delivered their presents under the tree.
By Sam.
Once upon a time there was Adrian, Aubrey, Daniel and Sam sleeping over at grandma's house. Then they woke up in the morning and said good morning. Then they had pancakes for breakfast and played for a little bit. Then they went swimming and then everyone went home. Except grandma, because she lives here.
By Aubrey
Once a noble peaceful king was entering the beginning of a dark fortress. The deeper it got, the darker it got, even though he was a galactic ruler. As he went he blasted rock monsters, crumpled dry mud monsters, flew over lava balls, and swooped over spikes on the floor. As he got to the fortress, he saw something familiar. A Gollum was on the top spike of the tower and a rock monster was about to exit the atmosphere. He entered the castle dramatically by breaking the doors open and leading 2 guard gollums to their death. After all that, chaos and peace lived as one.
By Daniel
Once upon a time me and my mom, dad, and brother Aubrey were playing super Mario brothers. My mom was Mario, my dad was Luigi, I was blue toad, and my brother was yellow toad. We were on world 6 on level 1. Then we moved to a different world. We beat one of the levels and got to the bowser castle. Then we beat the bowser castle too. We got to a different level and that's the end.
By Adrian
Once upon a time there was a grandma who baked cookies for her grandsons. Unfortunately, she ate half of them. The end.
By grandma