blessed

A better, but not less busy day today.  I ate breakfast and lunch as well as feeding the munchkins.  I have supper planned and ready, G, A and A have recently departed and S is sleeping peacefully.  We've been to the park, through the sprinkler, flew gliders, played "spot it", snuggled and read.  We also kissed lots of boo boos

I learned that when I eat a big supper, that I wake up feeling hungry, even though I'm probably not.  I think it is a slight stomach stretch that makes it seem so, and if I have a drink of water it goes away and sometimes doesn't return for hours.

I am reminded of how much patience and energy it takes to parent and I have a renewed remembering of how rewarding, but exhausting it is.  I have so much respect for anyone parenting today.

I have some work this afternoon to finalise staffing and then the boys and I will relax for the evening.  I am truly blessed to have kids I love and admire and grandbabies that I enjoy so much!

Lovingly, elly

"Ramma, I'm all done!"  A Crowe

not a quiet day

yesterday was very busy but good...Rocky's hot dogs with my Grammas, shopping with B, and a staff gathering late afternoon.  I took a nice salad and when I arrived all the munchies were out, chips, dips, cheese, nuts, etc.  Someone was in the pool with their son, so I changed and joined them, avoiding temptation.  Supper was great and I had a second helping of pulled pork, but with no sauce; yummy!  Then home to meet happy old J and L who were picking up my bike for Sammie to train with...short but nice visit!  Then drove B to work and headed home to bed.  I got a bad muscle spasm in my back at my shoulder and took an ice pack to put on it...I decided it was more pressing them blogging!
Today was even busier!  Went to the Y, lots of stretches, picked up my favourite G, hurried home to meet D and S, A and A.  What a day!  Sprinkler, water fights, tunnels, hiding, eating, wars, laughing, eating etc.  I did have a serious crash at lunch time; no time to drink, or pee, made KD and ate it!!  Gross.  I have more I learned but no more energy or time.  I will try again tomorrow, but will still be playing so will play it by ear.
Love you, elly

quiet day

One of the last days of freedom before returning to work next week and it was relaxing and enjoyable.  B got home at 5 AM, so I picked him up, we dropped off his motorbike and were off to the gym.  I did a little organizing and cleaning, read, had a massage, went swimming with D, S and big D and went out for supper with B.  I'm waiting for S Roo to finish work and pick up my bike, so she can do some training for her next try a tri. 

I may go to bed early, feeling the after affects of my massage.

Tomorrow will be busier, so today was perfect, elly

"Are a few dull moments too much to ask for?"  Brenda McG

1st goal reached...now what?

My weigh in at the Y showed 268lbs, for a total loss of 26 lbs.  I continue to feel good and ate out in a restaurant today with no trouble.

I have not heard back from the bariatric clinic, so really hope that all is still on for Sept.  Perhaps if I haven't heard from them by Wed morning I will call, rather than sit and wonder.  I have no idea what to expect from the next few months, so will make my next goal to keep learning and eating to live until that starts.  I will set a new goal when I get going there.

I want to reward myself with something, but honestly, feeling like I do is really all the reward I need!

elly

"Never agrue with an idiot.  It makes it harder for others to tell the difference."  Anonymous

learning

I know I have a lot to still figure out, so it's a good thing that I'm not planning on checking out anytime soon.

I was going to tell you that I fell off the wagon again, but I'm not sure that I did.  A food addiction is different from others only in that you still need to partake to live.  Mary's ribs were divine and I had more than I needed to live.  However, I didn't eat until I was stuffed or uncomfortable.  I think there must be a fine line between eating a regular meal and losing control.  I didn't feel craving after, I didn't feel driven or hungry.  When I woke up this morning (at 6 am when B called to pick him up as his truck was held at the border) I wasn't hungry, but I also didn't feel the need to eat.  At 10, I was ravenous and I ate.  I think it may take me a while to get comfortable that every time I eat a regular meal instead of just many small meals here and there, that I doesn't mean that I'm losing control.  I still feel balanced and good.

I do not understand why I feel like this now, when there have been so many times that I have tried and tried to find this and couldn't.  Just for today I will accept without understanding, be grateful and keep learning.

Living in gratitude, elly

"It doesn't hurt to be optimistic, you can always cry later."  Lucimar Santos De Lima

it's over!

Well, yesterday was the worst day at negotiations!  The Board lead got bent out of shape that we could not finish (at 10 am) and decided that we would just do it over the next year.  I tried to tell him that the only thing standing in our way was his decision that we couldn't but he wasn't able to let it go.  Our whole team had come in from their holidays as we were assured that they would be prepared and ready to move through stuff.  They came with nothing prepared and we came with the whole document laid out, and we had already agreed on  3/4 of it...at one point I did use some rather colourful language with them!  Needless to say, my team nearly walked right out!

We had also arranged to take them out for lunch and they said they couldn't as they had to work right through...then they went out on their own.

We did eventually sign an agreement, but they backed out of several things they had already agreed to, and it all was very nasty.  I'm glad it's over for now, but the agreement only goes till the end of Aug next year, so we will be at it again soon.

I had a lovely salad at one of my favourite eating spots, Cafe Insomnia.

My boys come for their sleepover and were just what I needed!  In the middle of he night when they were both asleep, my brain turned on unannounced to do some "I should have done..., I should have said...", but I eventually got back to sleep.  My other boys came this morning to play and the 4 of them had such a riot, it was impossible to stay upset.  They are all gone home now and I'm gonna have a nap, a shower and a read, not necessarily in that order.

I am indeed blessed and wish the same for you, elly

"I would rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done."  Lucille Ball

...later

I had a long full day of negotiations at the Holiday Inn yesterday, followed by dinner at Tim and Jens, where I fell off the wagon for Jen's nachos.   I came home and went straight to bed and am heading out to the Holiday Inn again today.  Adrian and Aubrey are coming for a sleepover tonight so I may not update until sometime tomorrow...

I feel good (but not hungry). I'm still alive so I have another chance! elly

allowances

I had the pleasure today of having lunch with my two old friends from the Y, who in their own words are eighty two and eighty damn nine.  I allowed myself some fresh Italian bread with grilled veggies, which were still a little crisp.  While it was more bread than I would normally have, I felt good about what I had...a conscious choice rather than a driven need.  Interestingly, I had no difficulty not helping them with the dessert they got to share!

I also made a nice supper for Bernie before he went to work today.  He was concerned that I was not eating enough, but I am certain that I did, adding a cob of corn to what I already had planned.  Again, I felt really good about it.

I did struggle while I was a Shoppers today, when I found myself walking around looking at the food, mostly the junk food.  When I realised what I was doing, I was grateful for the awareness, found that it was almost supper time, made my purchases and left!

I feel especially grateful today for my 2 psuedo grammas and a car that's fixed, elly

"I'm a pushover, I make allowances for people I like."  Zaha Hadid  (mostly I like me)

awake!

One of the painful things about being aware and not giving in to addiction is that you feel compelled to act on the things you notice...

So, I will drive a little more slowly, although I was not driving at all quickly when I crashed.  I will do whatever I can to not be distracted while driving, including turning my phone off when I get in the car, even though that's not what distracted me.  Bernie says it's the Dutch in me that was looking to see what was free on the lawn and Peter, in some sense, seems to agree that it is our parents fault.  I am very aware that I don't want to die in a car crash.

I had a killer headache today, so it was a good thing I didn't have much on my agenda.  I finally napped a little with an ice pack on my head and it's somewhat better.  I'm going to pick up 2 of my boys, which I'm hoping will take care of the rest, or at least make me not care so much.

A huge thank you to the Rev Pete, (he's been trying to get Cory's title for years!) who finally got me to laugh and relax about what happened by reminding me of his own idiocy.  Thank you also to all the other wonderful people in my life who cared enough to assure me I'm not ready to be locked up yet!

I love you all and feel loved by you, elly

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too big a burden to bear."  Martin Luther King Jr.

honestly

I planned very well for my eating today, taking water and other drinks, as well as some food in case I was limited in available choices.  I knew we would be at the Holiday Inn all day, meeting, and I'm not a huge fan of their food.  That all went well and we ended up being able to eat outside at a place that's close by, where I had a very nice lunch.

Our meeting even went very well, we got a lot accomplished with very little confrontation.

However, on my way to the hotel this morning, I rear ended a truck with a big trailer hitch on the back, smashing the front end of my car.  I'm dropping it off later today to be fixed and there was no damage to the truck, so no charges or anything, but I'm quite upset about it.  I have always prided myself about being a good driver, but in the last few years I have had several minor accidents.  I can deal with the repair, especially if I don't need to go through insurance, but I am having a hard time accepting that my driving has deteriorated.  I was distracted by a large table on someones lawn, and the truck stopped 30 feet before the stop sign, as he was doing some work at one of the houses there.  I still need to drive and I can't keep having accidents, or I will be forced to stop.  OK, I'm rambling so I'm gonna stop for now.

Wy weigh in at the y this morning was 272, with 3 more to go to reach my Sept goal.

Honestly, instead of being hard on myself, I'm going to try to realistically determine how I can improve my driving, while being loving and gentle with myself. elly

"You always try."  Kelly S

anxiety

Today was an exciting day, as brother Pete (or is that Father Pete?) was doing his Ironman competition.  I was following along, cursing the athlete tracker for being so slow, when his stats stopped.  His wife Roo soon notified us that he had crashed, was out of the race and was being taken to hospital for checking.  His helmet broke and he had some facial lacerations that needed stitches, but no head injuries...at least none that he didn't have before.  Lets face it, the decision to even attempt
the training for this begs the sanity question!

So over the course of a few hours we learned that he got his stitches and was released, but Roo and the grandkids were stuck on race site due to road closures for the race and he couldn't get back there for the same reason.  So currently he is stuck at the hospital he's been released from.

The amazing thing was the outpouring of love and support before and during the race.  I feel blessed to even be a part of something so awesome!

I learned a few things today.  The first is that anxiety feels a lot like hunger, a gnawing in the pit of my stomach.  I will need to make sure I watch out for that sly fox...

The second is that when I eat anything with sugar, even natural sugars, which is the only kind I've had today, that it immediately triggers hot flashes and profuse sweating.  I have been suspecting this for a while, but today confirmed without a doubt.

Send out love whenever you can spare it and trust there will be enough for you when you need it, elly

"just know that you have the power to do whatever you want."  Jon R

ahh, solitude

I had such a wonderful time with the boys.  We tried all sleeping together but that was a bust cause Aubrey just kept giggling, which started Adrian giggling and soon we were all just laughing instead of sleeping.  Then we painted, fixed things with the "rewdrivers", went to the park for sliding and swinging, threw balls for the dogs and kids, played "spot it" and "hungry hungry hippos" and lots of other fun stuff (except for Ad falling down the stairs, which was fixed with "lots" of milky).

We had a busy morning till dad picked them up around 9, when I showered and went to the market for fresh tomatos, eggs, basil (never really appreciated fresh herbs before), mini cucumbers, apples, berries and wraps.  It is so wondeful to have all this fresh food to eat, knowing that I will have enough to "eat to live" and that I will like it!  Yummy

Some quiet time to think about next week, which will be busy with negotiations, and planning what to pack along, in case I can't get what I want there.  It also got me thinking about how things will be different when I'm back at work and don't have all this free time for playing and quiet reflection.  After next week, I will start on my plan for that!

This evening I am having supper with my 2 besties and the bonus is that even though I have no idea what we are having, I know the food will be wonderful, tasty and healthy.  We will probably puzzle together some and catch up with news, scoop, gossip and scandal!

A very special pack of love and acceptance to Pete and Roo today, just because, elly

"Money is important in life, but only until you have the essentials.  After that, love is what you really need!"  Larry R

so fortunate

Second day in a row that I get to just play and enjoy my grandkids...I am truly appreciative that my kids all live close by and allow me to spend time with my little ones whenever I can.  They make me so happy and I remember the things I wasn't able to do so well with my own kids and I feel like I get another chance to make a difference with them.

Went to the Y for my routine in the pool as usual this morning.  I was almost finished when the fire alarm went off.  Of course, we all thought it was a mistake, but we were quickly told that we needed to evacuate the building.  We exited by a direct exit to the side, where there was a small concrete pad with decorative rocks sticking out and a very steep slope with grass.  I was fine but a few older people and a disabled woman were quite cold and uncomfortable.  The lifeguards were awesome and handed out blankets to those who wanted, but they had no more information either.  6 fire trucks and more than 20 minutes later, they discovered a malfunction in the childcare section, and allowed us to return.  I did not NOT get back in the pool to finish...

Yesterday I watched a bit by Dan Ariely on self-control, which I really liked.  You can find it on line anywhere.

Love makes the world go around, elly

"I might be fat, but you're ugly and I can lose weight."  Pat G

recovery day

For the past 2 months I have been having massage treatments that reduce inflammation from past injuries.  I actually credit a small part of my current determination about overcoming my addiction to the results of this.  Yesterday afternoon I had an appointment and she was able to adjust my cranial and neck bones, resulting in some minor throbbing in my head.  I did not sleep well last night, partially due to that and partially due to being upset about something that was said to me last evening.  The really great thing was that this morning I was able to say clearly what I was upset about and what I wanted...then I was actually able to let it go!

I had an amazing relaxing day with my grand daughters, playing swimming and talking.  I am tired but feel amazingly good and clear in my thoughts, which is more than half the battle for me.

Tomorrow I will have 2 of my grandsons for the day and overnight...more playing!

John, you are too kind, and it moved me to tears.

Special love to my Mia today, elly

"I don't want to be fat"  Grace C
"Gramma, you're not skinny, but we love you anyway"  Emily C

perspective

Yesterday I went to have some blood work done only to discover that I needed to fast.  I made an appointment for 8:20 this morning to go back in.  I awoke at 4:30 hungry and would normally have a drink of water from my bedside but couldn't.  I managed to get back to sleep and when I woke up later I was thinking about how it really felt to be hungry.  The closest I could come to describing it is that when I'm really hungry my stomach feels skinny!  So strange then to put my hands down and feel my belly...  Still I like the feeling so I'm gonna let myself feel skinny!

The other thing I noticed this morning while at the lab was that the lab tech was totally comfortable with my body, lifting rolls of fat around as she needed to get the electrodes on properly.  I commented about how much I appreciated it and I also loved her response.  She said, "Oh, I don't even notice it, I've just done this for so long."  She obviously had no judgement at all, which was refreshing.

I have work to do for negotiations today, but am planning lots of breaks so I don't get overwhelmed.

John, I will take you up on your offer of the loan, with thanks.


Living in gratitude, elly

"gramma, I love your squushy parts."  Daniel S

oh how quickly we forget!

For me, being tired is maybe the worst thing, because I don't think clearly, often not realising just how tired I am.  Being over tired also equates to negativity; who are you kidding about losing weight?  what were you thinking? you are just a fat cow, accept it!  Combine that with my gain this week, and yes I know some of it is fluid retention (thank you chinese food) and sorting some constipation issues, I was struggling yesterday evening.  The biggest issue of course is the negative self talk, because I'm much more likely to listen to it.  I did eventually have a small piece of cheeseand some water, went to bed for a good sleep and feel much better this morning.
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can turn from feeling good about myself and what I am trying to do to feeling dejected and discouraged.  Thank god I have learned this lesson before and it comes back to me fairly quickly if I stay clean.  If I delve into the food it's like I don't remember any of it...
Next week I will be starting negotiations with my employer and I am trying to think about how to prepare for the additional stress.

love is all you need, elly
well love and a plan!

"if you fail to plan you plan to fail"  wish I could say, but too many to choose from!

getting older is bad for your health...

and I don't mean the age thing, but the celebrations.  My weigh in at the Y this morning showed me just how much I celebrated.  I am up one pound so that puts me at 7 more to lose before Sept, at 276.  I don't feel overwhelmed though and will not indulge in any more bread pudding for a long while.  At least it was worth it!  Some of the other things I had in the last few days, not so much.
I was finally hungry again at 9:15 this morning and I welcomed the feeling.  While I certainly appreciate my wonderful family and how much they love me, I certainly still have more work to do about being grateful without too much food...good thing I'm not dead yet, maybe I'll still have time to learn it!
This morning I am enjoying my loving husband, his daughter Rebecca and her kids.  I am also very appreciative of our abundant water supply and working plumbing!

Love is all there is, elly

"everything will be alright in the end and if it is not alright it is not yet the end" Sonny from the best exotic marigold hotel

lessons

I love visiting with my sisters;
Restaurant desserts are over rated;
Grand kids are AWESOME;
Mostly hunger is in my mind;
When I'm tired I feel much hungrier than when I'm rested; yes, in my mind!
I love watching my kids parent, and they are good!

Love is all you need, elly

"I love you no matter what you weigh"  Kelly S

testing 123

Yesterday I got a text telling me that a woman I knew and respected was in hospice care.  I really wanted to tell her how I admired her and send her love for her journey.  I decided to stop in after the gym to see if I could see her.  I had a very nice 15 min visit with her and her daughter, I thanked her for living her life as she did and for being the brave, honest woman that she is...she died later that day.

I had lunch booked with 2 good friends and eating out is always a challenge for me; too much good stuff and someone else cooking!  I had a very nice lunch and was able to focus more on my friends than the food, although I did stay aware of my needs and brought half of it home for lunch today. (Whew!)

Later in the day came my biggest challenge; a busy day, being tired, and no blog done.  I actually thought, "This is a no brainer!" The blog can wait, I need sleep.  Feeling quite smug, I went to bed, only to wake at 1:30, restless and unable to settle.  When I'm tired is one of my worst times and I have been known to get up in the night to eat.  I eventually decided to try a glass of milk and was able to get back to sleep, waking rested this morning, and hungry!
I know I won't always be so successful with challenges, but for today, I am grateful.
...and because It's my birthday, I'm feeling especially grateful for all of the loving, kind and generous people in my life.

Sending out my love to all, elly

"Embrace the hunger"    Roo

the beginning or the end, maybe both...

Food has been my comfort and my torment for many years (59).  I have tried many ways and many times to  give up my addiction to food, all eventually unsuccessful.  However, I feel like I'm at the edge of something new, and yes, I realize that it always starts like that!  I have learned a few things during my struggles and I think I'm ready to give this up.
It's not that I mind being fat that much, although it has started to impact the quality of my life more than usual as I age, but the addiction itself that keeps me from being fully alive and awake.  Eating allows me to exist inside a protective shell that is more comfortable than being aware of all my feelings about the shite in the world.  That's what I want to give up before croak!
So, for today, I will assess how much food I need for the energy I'm expending and eat only that.  I will decide one piece of crap at a time what I need for the situation, and food will not be the answer.

Send me love as it is all we need, elly

The ideal time to plant a tree was 50 years ago; plant it now anyway.   Peter Rooyakkers