Poor planning

I've known for a long time that if I don't mark it in the calendar it doesn't exist. I was reminded of that today in the most disappointing way. Having made arrangements to go to Rachel's birthday "paint" party without first checking what was on the calendar, big mistake. It's not that I didn't need or enjoy the massage, it's just that I was so disappointed to miss seeing everyone there. Happy birthday Rachel!

At least I got to play with some of the kids this morning, so that was the highlight of today. That and the fact that I'm still eating reasonably.

I admit to continuing to struggle with patience. I'd like to be better now. However, I do realize that there won't ever be a totally "better", and I can also usually remind myself that it's what I do while getting better that sets the tone of my " better ".

Love, elly

Getting there

I'm officially 1 pound below when I started the program at the clinic. So in spite of the fact that I've had several rather major blowouts, I'm still doing well enough in general that my weight is creeping down.

I've adjusted partly to the medication, but still have a hard time getting motivated in the morning. The constipation continues, but is manageable. I think it helps that I'm eating so many fruits and veggies.

I had an absolutely wonderful day with my kids and grandkids. They truly make me happy to be alive, and so grateful. I managed not to eat any of the delicious desserts, and still felt very satisfied and content. My kids gave me a remote starter for the van, and some beautiful photos.

Below you will notice that I unsuccessfully added said photos for you to appreciate too.

The last 2 days I've helped others with some small jobs and got to visit some great friends at the same time! Win, win! Tomorrow I get to help Rachel celebrate her birthday, and visit with more wonderful people. I want to schedule a few more visits with the kids before I go back to work too.

It's not all smooth, but it's all good.
Love, elly

Gratitude

A great big serving of gratitude is what I had today.

Love, elly

Merry Christmas

It was a wonderful day filled with wonderful people who I love and who love me. Yet I struggled. I abused myself physically and emotionally. I ate horribly and non stop. I felt awful about it and struggled to know that I deserve such love and support.

Tomorrow I try again. It encourages me to know that no matter how badly or how often I fall down, my people keep loving me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

With love and gratitude, elly

Still tired

I'm very tired and the only thing I think it might be is emotional. I guess making these significant changes is taking a lot out of me.
I will be going to bed early again tonight.

On Wed I brought home a box of chocolates that a student gave me, and I ate the whole box with a glass of milk! So delicious!! I did regret that decision, but I didn't feel bad. I especially regretted it when I couldn't sleep because of all the caffeine! Otherwise I'm still eating fairly well most of the time.

I wish I had something else profound to say, but I've got nothing. I did notice today that a lot of our students were still at school after the bell rang to go home. I think it's a testament to how comfortable, connected and cared for they feel with us. It's a pretty awesome place!

I'm not really ready for Christmas, but I don't care very much!
Love always, elly

Tired

More tomorrow.
Love, elly

Live in the moment

It's kind of weird, but I've noticed that when I'm doing well, I think that I'll continue to do well. Likewise, when I'm eating badly, I assume that I'll keep doing that and can't seem to change it.

I find that the more I try to live in the moment, the easier it is to see what's happening now, and not make too many assumptions about the future. I tried to say "not make any assumptions", but I knew I'm not all the way there yet.

For quite a while now, I've brought my own water to work with me. We have lead pipes at school, and even though they flush it every morning, and test it once a year, it hasn't always passed the tests. It's also quite full of "stuff". On the odd occasion that I haven't had enough of my own, I've filtered the water before drinking it.

About 2 months ago, our new principal bought a water dispenser, that serves hot and cold water. I've used the water from it ever since, and it's been so nice not having to carry enough water every day. However, with everything that's going on around this time of year, including illness, the guy who usually picks up the water wasn't able to get there, so we didn't have any. So yesterday I had very little to drink during the day. Next to a good sleep, enough water to drink is probably the next biggest factor in how well I eat.

Last night after I posted, I ate. I ate a lot. Yet this morning I got up knowing I would eat just fine. Of course, I did. So not only am I making more decisions in the moment, even when I ate a lot, it was all healthy stuff, just too much.

I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point that I'm living totally in the moment, but even getting a little better at it is making a big difference. I'm grateful.

Love, elly

Progress

I'm not keeping really close track, but I know that over the past 3 weeks, I've lost 9 pounds. That still leaves my weight a pound above what it was when I started the program, but I'm feeling really good about it. First of all, it's going down and that is the only way I'll get where I want to go. Secondly, I didn't gain back the other weight that I had lost while waiting to start the program and that's what I choose to focus on.

I also figured something else out, and I think it's important. For several years now, I've noticed that if I was watching kids at their own homes, that I was much more likely to go looking for some junk to snack on after they were in bed than I would if I was watching them here. I know that they don't mind what I snack on, but I think that figuring out that it reminds me of going to look in the cupboard to see what kind of candy he left me will help me to stop doing it. When I stayed with Tim and Jen's kids on the weekend, I brought apples, carrots and hummus with me, and shared them with the kids. Of course, we had popcorn too, but only while the kids and I were watching the movie.

That's all of my exciting discoveries for today.
Love, elly

Sleepover

Adrian, Aubrey, and Penelope decided that it would be fun to have grandma sleepover at their house Saturday night when their parents went out for the evening. It was a blast! Tim and Jen made us a wonderful supper before they left and we watched a movie and ate lots of popcorn. I'm sure they'll be finding popcorn in the couch and carpet for weeks!

I slept surprisingly well on the pull-out couch in the basement. Penelope was at the top of the stairs this morning at 6, calling Grandma. She came and snuggled and the boys joined us at 6:30. We played until 7:30 when they got hungry. Dad made them pancakes and sausages, while I came home to feed and let the dogs out. Then I took the kids to the Y for swimming and open play time. Being anyone's grandma is the best!!

I got home to discover that Tim had been here and cleared the end of my driveway where the plow had filled it in. Being anyone's mom is the best!

I continue to eat fairly well and feel quite good emotionally. I'm still having some minor drug side effects, but nothing I can't deal with, especially for a short term. I'm also feeling much more aware and present, for lack of a better word. I'm not feeling nothing, and seem to be managing what I'm feeling fairly well too.

I noticed something this afternoon that happened last week too. I got quite cold and then felt like I needed to eat. I did eat something extra, but in retrospect, I think maybe it was my body's way of letting me know that I hadn't had enough. Knowing that will help me not to judge myself about it. I think it's a good insight.

I'm off to bed. Love always, elly

Joy to the world

Actual joy, from me to the world. I had another session today and Talaria agrees that I'm making real progress. We installed another resource for me to use, in which I describe in detail how I feel about a loving positive event I've experienced. I chose when Penelope fell asleep in my arms at our family Christmas gathering. Then she read it back to me while doing the bilateral stimulation. Pure joy!

Sam would like to tell you a story too. It's called Once Upon a Christmas. There was a house and it was Christmas time. There was a house that believed that Santa would come to their house every Christmas. They were all sound asleep and whenever a light shined in their eyes, they would still be asleep. Then they were having the strangest dream. They still didn't wake up. Then Santa went down the chimney, ate their cookies and drank the milk, which was ice cold. Then he went to their Christmas tree and put their presents down. It was still night time but the parents woke up and wrapped the kids presents, which were both medium sized. Then finally it was Christmas morning. The kids woke up, got dressed, and went down stairs and opened their medium sized presents. David got a remote control airplane, which is little. Leland got a hot wheels set that came with 4 hot wheels.
The end from Sam

I love you all, good night.
elly

Better again

Right back on track with food, got to the pool and had a great day at work. I survived pulled pork at lunchtime, I made fresh chocolate chip cookies this afternoon, and had our staff party with all kinds of goodies tonight! I'm tired and don't like all the snow, but I feel good.

That's good enough for today.
Love, elly

I don't feel bad

As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good. I've definitely had a minor slip, food wise, but I really feel ok about it. I also experienced the overeating in a way I never have before. I noticed how much my body didn't like it almost immediately, and it didn't cause a total abandonment of healthy eating. I didn't dive face first into anything, not even chocolate, that's been right in front of me. I'm still getting to the pool, even if I'm a little late some mornings. It's still a vast improvement from several weeks ago.

Much love, elly

Its fuckin' winter!

...and its not even Christmas yet.

It snowed, a lot. I got cold, a lot. I ate popcorn, a lot. Then bananas with peanut butter.

I got to the pool this morning but forgot my gym bag because I started shoveling and then left it inside the door. So then I had to come home for underwear and deodorant etc. I still swam.

It was a great day at work, topped off with giving a teacher 10 gift cards for burgers priest. She's taking her class of 10 to the mall to wrap gifts to raise money for the food bank, and she's going to surprise them Wed morning with the cards. They're leaving early so they can go for lunch first. Danny donated the cards to them and they are going to be thrilled! I'm crazy about this guy!!

I still feel good and I want to clarify that I realized that I hadn't felt like I had the right to feel happy, etc for a long time, but that I realize that my hope is stronger than ever. I didn't even go back to look at what I said, as I'm sure it didn't come out right.

Love infinity, elly

Christmas

Yesterday was my family's Christmas gathering, and even though we were missing several of the gang, it was wonderful. So many of the next generation have families of their own now, which was great to see. Watching them interact together differently than when they were younger. Watching the awesome parenting happening in spite of all the mistakes we made with them. Watching all the grandkids there playing together and running around; well the ones that are old enough to run anyway.

There was discussion about whether we were willing to have CTV come to our next gathering. Niece Carla, whose hair salon services a lot of the CTV crew, told them how we spend the day and they asked if they could film us as they like to show people celebrating in different ways. While the consensus was that we didn't want them invading our gathering, there was extended conversation about the benefits to the recipients if others were inspired to do the same. I would love to see Carla, Sammie, Megan, Adrian, Tim, Matt, Andy, Rachel, Maisie, Jake, Melissa, and any other of the young 'uns talk about it on air. I think that would be fabulous!

As well as the usual massive cook fest that happened to feed the less fortunate, there were helium balloons, gingerbread houses, a puppy, homemade soup and other goodies to eat and lots of beautiful babies to celebrate. I especially enjoyed the time that Miss P fell asleep in my arms, and a visit with Jake. The world might still be saved by young men like him! I confess to wasting a few minutes worrying about how I will manage to arrange everything for next year, but it's still a year away, so I was able to dismiss the thought fairly quickly.

I almost always spend a part of this day feeling overwhelmed by how many people there are and wondering how and where my place is among them. Fortunately, this year it happened just as Miss P was tired so I held her and allowed myself just to listen to everyone around me. It's pretty hard to worry or stress about anything while holding a sleeping child, and listening to the chaos and fun generated by a crowd of people who love each other, no matter what. As I arrived back home I had the realization that, for the first time in a long time, I'm really fortunate to be alive. Merry Christmas to all!

I think my exhaustion last night was more emotional than physical, but I had a good sleep and feel good today. I went to the Y with Tim and his kids, did some shopping, tidying and cooking, and shoveled the driveway.

I really enjoy some of the corny Christmas movies that are on this time of year, and while I was doing chores, I had a movie on TV. At some point, I thought that the tenants were cooking or baking something that smelled delicious. After a while it started to smell like it was burning. I didn't really worry about it at first, until I remembered that I heard them leave at some point. It kept smelling worse and I eventually decided I should call to see if anyone was home. That's when I got up, walked to the kitchen and took the burnt pot of carrots off the stove. It amazed me that I had immediately suspected the tenants, even though I've never smelled anything burned from upstairs, while I forget stuff all the time! That's why I've already gotten rid of all my candles. I can't be trusted!

I don't know if I adequately expressed how I've felt the last few days. A small part of me is starting to believe that I will come out of this challenge feeling healthier, stronger, and happier than I ever have the right to expect or hope for. The truth is that my hope is stronger than ever! I believe.

Love, elly

Tired

Too tired to tell you about my wonderful day. I promise to tell you tomorrow.

Love, elly

Nobody stole it!

I got home this evening, after spending time with Em and Grace, their dogs, and my dogs. Mama Anne was Christmas shopping and Papa Jason is traveling for work this week. We had a fantastically fun time playing games. Em also made us pizza for supper. I sat down to relax a little before I went to bed and suddenly realized that I wasn't wearing anything around my neck. I had an essential oil diffuser on a chain and a rose quartz pendant that I think I told you about a few weeks ago. I vaguely remembered taking them off somewhere unusual, but it took me a few minutes to remember where...it was in the pool! Of course, the oil diffuser has oil in it and has holes so I can smell it. It doesn't work well if I fill it up with water, but I forgot to take it off. When I realized, I took them both off and put them on the poolside, but forgot to pick them up when I left.

Now I admit to being critical of some of the pool staff, who I see doing the bare minimum, and sit around most of the time. I'm also very vocal about those who are always cleaning or tidying equipment, etc when not on guard duty, and thank them every chance I get.

I also have had a problem with people stealing things from the women's "plus" changeroom. It costs extra for the hot tub, towels, hair dryers, etc. You would expect that anyone who can afford to pay for the extra luxuries wouldn't need to steal things, but I've lost many things in there, to theft. In all the years I used the regular changeroom, I never lost a shampoo bottle or kids pool toys! Nothing! Makes you wonder, eh?

Regardless, when I called this evening, almost 2 days later, the pool staff had picked them up and kept them in the office. I was so grateful! I asked the woman to thank the pool staff, and will make sure that the pool supervisor hears about it too. So next time I'm in, they will be waiting at the front desk for me. Yahoo!

Ive tied my personal best of 2 days in the pool, and am on day 7 of eating well. Im excited for the Rooyakkers family Christmas celebration tomorrow and look forward to seeing some peeps that I might not see the rest of the year.

Love, elly

Not hard to beat

The one great thing about a 2 day streak is that it's not hard to beat! I got to the pool again, even though I was a little later. Speaking of streaks, I'm up to 6 days on a healthy eating streak. I'm know it's starting small, but starting is the key part, and something I haven't been able to manage for quite a while, so I'm pretty happy.

All of my Amazon packages have arrived now and there's only one that I'm not thrilled with. The item itself is fine but I got hosed on the shipping for it. I also found it cheaper elsewhere since then. It would cost me more to ship it back to return it, so I'll chalk it up to a lesson learned and check that more carefully next time.

We had chocolates in the staffroom today, and chocolate chip banana bread, chocolate covered strawberries and bananas, macaroons, smoothies, homemade pizza etc at school. I'm pretty proud of me. I considered a nibble and decided it would be fatal, so I passed. I even had to help serve the stuff today!

That's all. It's enough. I love my life.
elly

It's over

My 2 day pool streak is over, but I don't feel too bad about it. I had a terrible time sleeping last night, trying not to think about work. Combine that with getting up 6 times with the dogs, and I was just exhausted. I'm not worried about being able to get there again tomorrow.I think my posting streak is up to 3 days, though, so that counts.

In spite of being tired today, work went very well. I am truly very fortunate to work with such a great group of people; 7 teachers, 3 EAs, 1 principal, 1 social worker, 1 child and youth worker, and 1 secretary. The compassion and camaraderie is never ending. Unfortunately, the part time custodian doesn't count for much, but we try not to let him get us down. Honestly, the rest of them, I would trust my kids and grandkids with.

I still feel my resolve is strong. I'm eating well. I'm going to bed early and if the dogs are assailed again, I'm going to strangle them. I don't think that's as long a jail term...

That's it for today, except for 2 clarifications. Gail, you are always welcome here. Pete, I'm rich and I'm a bitch, but I'm never a rich bitch. I'll leave that to you!

Love, elly

Counting my many blessings

I love my job, but some days are so incredibly hard that you can't even imagine it. I've already tried several times to describe it and then erased it. Some days my heart aches for them, but I can't change it or help them. It doesn't help them if I add their pain to mine so I need to remember that it's theirs. Some days all I can do is stay calm and be there. It's enough.

I made day 2 to the pool! I think I'll start a streak. My sleep is better and I'm feeling able to get up in the morning, even though I still have times during the day when I feel so tired that my eyes cross. It's a huge improvement, and I'm grateful for it.

I'm excited that I'm going to see a lot of my tribe next weekend as we prepare food to share with others. The day is relaxing and fun; exactly what a family Christmas party should be. There will be lots of idiots there, maybe a few little cuties to snuggle, and an abundance of love and good food.

I'm sitting in my warm house, with my crazy dogs, full of good food. I'm thinking about my wonderful children, and their partners and children, and my sisters and brothers and their partners and children. I can turn on a movie or be entertained by a game. I have clean clothes and a comfortable bed. I have a phone to contact who I want and internet to shop with. I have a Christmas tree that my grandsons helped to decorate. I have orchids in my window that are alive! I have indoor facilities, where I can clean myself and shit as many times as I like. I have a vehicle that will take me anyplace I need to go. I have enough books that I can read whenever I want! I'm rich beyond compare!

Love, elly

Progress

I didn't see Talaria much in Nov as she was away. It was a very good exercise in patience. I saw her on Friday and will see her several times more before the end of the year. I actually feel like I'm starting to make some real progress. I'm setting the spring as a goal to reducing and/or eliminating medication.

I told Talaria that the last time I saw her I felt reluctant to address my food concerns because then I wouldn't be able to go home and eat. After getting home, I quickly realized that I'm scared about how hard it could be. So I decided that I was worth the wait and to allow myself whatever time I need to be ready. Of course, that meant that I was ready almost immediately. Thus the exercise in patience, which was very good for me.

She reminded me that it's the reason for eating that we need to treat and we talked about what I get out of it. I know that I punish myself for eating his candy, but that's only a small part of it. If I stuff myself so full that I'm in physical pain, then I don't feel my emotional pain. It's as effective for me as any drug or alcohol. The down side to continuing to do that is that I also don't feel all the joy, love and gratitude in my life. It's just not an option for any length of time.

We did a longer bilateral stimulation, while envisioning enough calming, healing, soothing, and relaxing energy for everything I need. At the same time, I envision letting go of anything I don't need into the earth where it is neutralized. I can't tell you how much I love this. I almost get giddy, but I'm too relaxed and calm!!

I've decided to not assume that my current healthier eating will disappear again. It may fade a little again from time to time, but I know that my commitment to being patient will see me through. The medication may still cause weight gain, but I'll accept that as long as it's not from overeating.

I'm also feeling a reprieve from the "I can't get out of bed!" routine. I still feel fairly foggy a lot of the time from the medication, but I'm waking up a little better and actually got in the pool this morning. I don't think I've been there through the week for at least 2 weeks. It's slow, but it's the right direction, so I'll take it.

I was dreading Christmas shopping, but Kelly advised me about shopping safely online and some of my gifts have already been delivered to my door. I love it! I even made sure to check reviews and almost always paid a little more for better quality. I have a few things that I'd like to make and I'll see how that goes. Above all, patience!

I have a shitty cold and sinus congestion, but if I can avoid the annual bout of bronchitis, I'll count my blessings. It's hard enough dealing with what I suspect is the beginning of dementia in Lucy. She seems to totally forget to go pee when she's outside sometimes, and I need to tell her several times to eat. Both of these behaviours are very unusual for her. After the second time she peed on top of my bed, I watch her to make sure she goes before coming back in. More patience!

I've been trying to get together with my kids to talk over what's been going on and ask for support, but there was too much fog, and too little time in their busy lives. I finally decided just to email all of them and I did that before starting this post. They're all pretty awesome people and I'm blessed to have them around.

Sisters weekend didn't happen this fall because the girls went to Florida, but I'm hoping that we can get together for a meal over the holidays. I look forward to this semiannual routine and miss the renewal I always feel after spending a weekend with my sister friends.

I'm determined to be at least a little more consistent with posting as well. It's always a gift to me when I manage it, but that doesn't guarantee it's gonna happen either.

Many blessings, friends.
Love, elly

Almost there

I'm working up to something. I think it'll be something good. Maybe another day or two of thinking and sorting, but it'll be soon. In the meantime, thanks for hanging out and being real.
Love always, elly