Not down and out

Maybe a bit down, but definitely not out. I self medicated a little this weekend, but I'm OK with it. I'm having a harder time with how anxious I am at work. Especially as I have no idea how long the investigation will take or how many people they will talk to. It's definitely very uncomfortable running into her in the hall and she responds quite abruptly when I say anything. Once I get used to it, I think I'll like that, but in the meantime I just hate it.
We finally have a tentative agreement and will be voting on it in the next few weeks, so we'll see.
I started a stew with all the great veggies I had left from the weekend last night and then went out. I'm glad my tenants let me know something was burning or who knows what might have happened. I think it's all part of the anxiety and being distracted. I'm pretty mad at myself about it!
I had supper with a friend tonight and we planned an outing with our old friends from the Y (89 and 91years!) Life is good!
Love, elly
PS, yes Pete, I am a soul...a tired one! My sisters and brothers are a balm for me!

Home

My sisters are balm for my tired soul. 

Love, elly

The shit hit the fan

I'm not sure if I should duck or run for cover! My principal told me this afternoon that the board office had called the woman and told her that someone had filed a complaint and they wanted to review it with her. She wanted to know who and what and they told her they wanted to discuss it in person and asked her to come to the board office. Among other things, she told the principal that she felt betrayed, particularly by her. The woman avoided speaking to me for the rest of the day so I imagine she knew it was me. I'm actually sorry that she's probably experiencing what I've been going through for the last 8 weeks, but I really hope it's not in vain. I'm pretty anxious, but I still hope that some good will come out of it.
I learned this evening that they haven't completed the interview yet, so I guess I'm waiting some more. Really, if I can learn to survive this kind of stress, I should be able to manage without antidepressants...lol!
I'm leaving for the weekend in the morning so will be out of touch for a few days. Pray for maintenance of at least minimal sanity!
Love, elly

Jonathan

Well I just spent the last hour with a scruffy bearded, tattooed, giant ring wearing, plaid shirt wearing dude who swore almost as much as me, who just happened to be named Jonathan and I quite enjoyed him. He gave me a few useful tips about dealing with the anger I feel toward this woman, suggested she has some boundary issues and complimented me on maintaining a respectful work rapport. He agreed that I did the right thing proceeding with the complaint but not getting too invested in the outcome. So far, so good.

I continue to be well.

Love, elly

Headache

I woke up with it and struggled with it most of the day. I didn't feel up to walking at lunch time and was wiped out by the end of the day. I was saved by a visit after work from an old friend and Jason's leftover soup. I must say too that I've been struggling less with depression since I started using tulsi or holy basil as it's also known...thanks Jessie Roo!
Love, elly

Happy birthday Sam!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 212.5 lbs...the right direction.
I went to the board office to clarify last names of witnesses, but had to review and clarify every comment I made in the report. I'm not sure how many times I should need to repeat myself. It was awful and I almost didn't cry. I think the board's harassment policy is starting to harass me!
I still had a good day and I've stopped trying to guess what mood she's in. I'm not trying any more to be friendly. I'm just going to address things as they arise and not spend time thinking or worrying about her.
Sam is 5 today! What a wondrous gift he is!!
Love, elly

Day 2 clean

I wish I knew how or why but sometimes all you need is gratitude. That's me today.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with the woman from HR to review my complaint. It's a good thing it's not a life or death situation; they seem to just take all the time in the world. I wonder how they'd feel if it was them waiting for 8 weeks! Wednesday I have an appointment to talk to someone through the EAP. I hope he's not an asshole.

Love, elly

Thank god and Roo!

I had a really good day yesterday. I don't know why. I'm grateful. I went to Costco to get some ready made salads and thought about getting dark chocolate covered mango. I thought, what would Roo say? I didn't get any. It's the first clean day I've had for a long time. I'm hoping to repeat, but I'm grateful regardless, because I have hope again.

Love, elly

More better

Yesterday I did a little better. Today I did more better. If I have to crawl back one ounce at a time, I guess that's what I'll do. I'm very tired or I might have done even better today.

Love, elly

I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 216.5 lbs.

I woke up feeling kind of optimistic this morning and maintained it for most of the day. I didn't eat any better, but also didn't cry at all. I continue to gather information about how to proceed.

I'm missing riding my bike, but continue to get in the pool regularly.

Thanks to Jeff and Terry for installing my new water heater. Thanks to Gina and Siobhan for the "last supper". I miss you already, Siobhan!

Love, elly

Unclear

It feels like such a vicious circle and I can't tell where I got on or how to get off. I don't even know what is the biggest aggravating factor right now...am I depressed because I can't stop eating or am I eating because I'm depressed? Is it time to try some medication and if so, for the eating or the depression? Should I move? Change my job?
I have no answers. I'm at least still listening to the questions.
Peace out, elly

I'm floundering

...struggling with stumbling or plunging movements; moving clumsily or with little progress, as through water or mud; experiencing great difficulties; functioning in a confused or directionless manner; ironically from the dutch word, floddern, meaning to flop about or fail.
 I weighed in at 211 lbs and I can't even see the right track, let alone get on it.
I'm going ahead with a formal complaint about the woman at work.
I've booked an appointment to talk to someone through our EAP.
I'm still here and right now that's all I've got.
Love, elly

I'm avoiding you

Of course, by you I mean me. Hope to talk soon. John says I only need to try once more than I fail. That gives me hope.
Love, elly