Holidays

After 2 days of feasting, celebrating and visiting, I'm back on track, food wise. I still haven't seen everyone I'd like to over the holidays, so hopefully some more visiting will happen over this week.
 I received some wonderful gifts, not the least of which are the people I'm blessed to have in my life. I'm grateful!
Love, elly

Progress

I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 209 lbs.

I had a little anxiety adjusting to the change in routine but then got to spend some time with Emily, celebrating her 10th birthday!

Today I got some of my Christmas sewing done, got a haircut, had a massage and got to spend some time with Tim, celebrating his 34th birthday!

I'm continuing to feel better, eat well, walk, swim, and I think the quality of my sleep is even improving...it must be Christmas!

Love, elly

Adventure

I just got back from great wolf lodge, where I spent the last few days with Tim, Jason, and their families. It was an extravagance, but particularly enjoyable to have time with them, especially the kids, of course. Other than that, what I appreciated most about the time away was that I continued to maintain fairly healthy eating. Now that I'm back home, I'm exhausted!

I'm not sleeping the best, so I think perhaps the worst of the drug exhaustion is past. I even think that I'm feeling a little better emotionally. I no longer feel hopeless and defeated. I still don't have much ambition, but the colder weather definitely contributes at least part of that. I will continue to get out and keep busy as much as possible. Tomorrow I'll start some Christmas jobs that I want to get done.

I'm encouraged and grateful.

Love, elly

Keeping on

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 214 lbs. I'm tired all the time and I fall asleep whenever I sit down. I'm not inspired to do anything except be with my grandkids. I'm hoping in time as I adjust to the medication that will all get better. In the meantime, I'm continuing to eat fairly well, so I'm very grateful for that.
Love, elly

Today

...I ate well. I feel a little like the new medication is stealing any energy I might have, but it's just over a week so maybe I'll adjust. It wasn't a bad day and while that's not great, it's also not bad. One today at a time!
Love, elly

Keep walking

I know that the desire to abstain does not mean that I'll have the determination to abstain, so I'll keep walking until I do.
I know that despair doesn't disappear overnight, so I'll keep walking until it does.
I know that medication takes time and patience to see results, so I'll keep walking until I do.
I know that I don't always appreciate everything that I am blessed with, so I'll keep looking until I do.
Love, elly

Sleepless in Guelph

I hope this is an aberration and not a side effect of the medication. I was wide awake for all but 3 hours last night. It could also be that the Dr suggested that I stop using the melatonin until after I see how well the new drug will work and not to confuse the issue. I'm pretty tired tonight so I'm hoping I'll sleep.

I helped Kelly and Danny install their basement floor today and just loved the comraderie. The floor looks pretty darn good too!

I've been thinking about something and getting my head wrapped around it...we had a community alcohol and drug worker in to the gym class to do a presentation on the continuum of addiction. She said that it's possible to work at harm reduction in any of the early or mid stage, but that the only remedy for total addiction is abstinence. I know they really encouraged us in the program to add controlled portions of treats. I remember being really panicky about it. I wonder how I'd be doing if I had just trusted my instincts. Regardless, I think it's a worthwhile objective: to get back to treating myself like the true addict I believe I am. That's my goal for this week.

Love, elly

Gift

Sometimes even when I know that I didn't do much to help, just being around people I love is wonderful. Sometimes following a little girl around all day to make sure she's safe and having fun is the best medicine. Sometimes it's OK to just be. Today was a day like that and I'm grateful.

On Thursday I started a different antidepressant than I've taken in the past. I have some nausea but it's tolerable and the pharmacist said that the first few weeks would be the worst. I started on half the regular starting dose, as I'd like to take the lowest working dose, and have the least side effects. It seems like even making this decision has helped me feel better.

I've also decided that I don't give a shit when they finish their investigation. She is being respectful and distant, which is fine with me. I refuse to allow the board to harass me even further than she already has. Fuck em all!

Love, elly

I'm hurtin'

I had an appointment with Jonathan today and he agrees that it's time to see the Dr. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. That's all I've got today.
Love, elly

Not down and out

Maybe a bit down, but definitely not out. I self medicated a little this weekend, but I'm OK with it. I'm having a harder time with how anxious I am at work. Especially as I have no idea how long the investigation will take or how many people they will talk to. It's definitely very uncomfortable running into her in the hall and she responds quite abruptly when I say anything. Once I get used to it, I think I'll like that, but in the meantime I just hate it.
We finally have a tentative agreement and will be voting on it in the next few weeks, so we'll see.
I started a stew with all the great veggies I had left from the weekend last night and then went out. I'm glad my tenants let me know something was burning or who knows what might have happened. I think it's all part of the anxiety and being distracted. I'm pretty mad at myself about it!
I had supper with a friend tonight and we planned an outing with our old friends from the Y (89 and 91years!) Life is good!
Love, elly
PS, yes Pete, I am a soul...a tired one! My sisters and brothers are a balm for me!

Home

My sisters are balm for my tired soul. 

Love, elly

The shit hit the fan

I'm not sure if I should duck or run for cover! My principal told me this afternoon that the board office had called the woman and told her that someone had filed a complaint and they wanted to review it with her. She wanted to know who and what and they told her they wanted to discuss it in person and asked her to come to the board office. Among other things, she told the principal that she felt betrayed, particularly by her. The woman avoided speaking to me for the rest of the day so I imagine she knew it was me. I'm actually sorry that she's probably experiencing what I've been going through for the last 8 weeks, but I really hope it's not in vain. I'm pretty anxious, but I still hope that some good will come out of it.
I learned this evening that they haven't completed the interview yet, so I guess I'm waiting some more. Really, if I can learn to survive this kind of stress, I should be able to manage without antidepressants...lol!
I'm leaving for the weekend in the morning so will be out of touch for a few days. Pray for maintenance of at least minimal sanity!
Love, elly

Jonathan

Well I just spent the last hour with a scruffy bearded, tattooed, giant ring wearing, plaid shirt wearing dude who swore almost as much as me, who just happened to be named Jonathan and I quite enjoyed him. He gave me a few useful tips about dealing with the anger I feel toward this woman, suggested she has some boundary issues and complimented me on maintaining a respectful work rapport. He agreed that I did the right thing proceeding with the complaint but not getting too invested in the outcome. So far, so good.

I continue to be well.

Love, elly

Headache

I woke up with it and struggled with it most of the day. I didn't feel up to walking at lunch time and was wiped out by the end of the day. I was saved by a visit after work from an old friend and Jason's leftover soup. I must say too that I've been struggling less with depression since I started using tulsi or holy basil as it's also known...thanks Jessie Roo!
Love, elly

Happy birthday Sam!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 212.5 lbs...the right direction.
I went to the board office to clarify last names of witnesses, but had to review and clarify every comment I made in the report. I'm not sure how many times I should need to repeat myself. It was awful and I almost didn't cry. I think the board's harassment policy is starting to harass me!
I still had a good day and I've stopped trying to guess what mood she's in. I'm not trying any more to be friendly. I'm just going to address things as they arise and not spend time thinking or worrying about her.
Sam is 5 today! What a wondrous gift he is!!
Love, elly

Day 2 clean

I wish I knew how or why but sometimes all you need is gratitude. That's me today.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with the woman from HR to review my complaint. It's a good thing it's not a life or death situation; they seem to just take all the time in the world. I wonder how they'd feel if it was them waiting for 8 weeks! Wednesday I have an appointment to talk to someone through the EAP. I hope he's not an asshole.

Love, elly

Thank god and Roo!

I had a really good day yesterday. I don't know why. I'm grateful. I went to Costco to get some ready made salads and thought about getting dark chocolate covered mango. I thought, what would Roo say? I didn't get any. It's the first clean day I've had for a long time. I'm hoping to repeat, but I'm grateful regardless, because I have hope again.

Love, elly

More better

Yesterday I did a little better. Today I did more better. If I have to crawl back one ounce at a time, I guess that's what I'll do. I'm very tired or I might have done even better today.

Love, elly

I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 216.5 lbs.

I woke up feeling kind of optimistic this morning and maintained it for most of the day. I didn't eat any better, but also didn't cry at all. I continue to gather information about how to proceed.

I'm missing riding my bike, but continue to get in the pool regularly.

Thanks to Jeff and Terry for installing my new water heater. Thanks to Gina and Siobhan for the "last supper". I miss you already, Siobhan!

Love, elly

Unclear

It feels like such a vicious circle and I can't tell where I got on or how to get off. I don't even know what is the biggest aggravating factor right now...am I depressed because I can't stop eating or am I eating because I'm depressed? Is it time to try some medication and if so, for the eating or the depression? Should I move? Change my job?
I have no answers. I'm at least still listening to the questions.
Peace out, elly

I'm floundering

...struggling with stumbling or plunging movements; moving clumsily or with little progress, as through water or mud; experiencing great difficulties; functioning in a confused or directionless manner; ironically from the dutch word, floddern, meaning to flop about or fail.
 I weighed in at 211 lbs and I can't even see the right track, let alone get on it.
I'm going ahead with a formal complaint about the woman at work.
I've booked an appointment to talk to someone through our EAP.
I'm still here and right now that's all I've got.
Love, elly

I'm avoiding you

Of course, by you I mean me. Hope to talk soon. John says I only need to try once more than I fail. That gives me hope.
Love, elly

I'm so angry!

As usual, when I'm most angry, it's at myself. I just get so frustrated with myself when I get through a difficult day with lots of treats around, homemade goodies, chocolate and grilled cheese and then totally lose it after supper. The day was done, but I managed to fit in a pigout of monumental proportions. I just don't get it. I'm tired of fighting, winning a few and then losing it again. I'm frustrated.
I feel bad for the rant and I know it doesn't help, but I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'm going to take small comfort from the fact that my addiction only ruins my own life and send a prayer out to the universe for all those facing the more destructive ones.
Tomorrow I'll start again, again.
Love, elly

Saved by the barbeque sauce

It's not often that I get to use that line! We had homemade pizza at school today. We didn't have that many students today, so there was a lot extra. I decided to have a piece and selected one with a thin crust. When I took my first big bite I realized that it had barbeque sauce instead of pizza sauce. Apparently, some of the kids love it so they made several with it. I found it quite disgusting and discreetly tossed it.

For the most part I'm still doing fine with the food, and when I get even a reasonable amount of sleep it's definitely easier. Last night was pretty good. I bought more chocolate to replace the stuff I ate last week, but left it in the van. I'll take it to work for the students tomorrow and I suspect I won't get any kids to the side door on Saturday, which is fine by me.

I'm learning how to crochet!

Love, elly

Carry on

I'm still feeling like crap. I'm still eating quite well. I'm still not sleeping well. I've still heard no follow up from the board office, and I  believed!?! It's been raining too hard to ride. What to do?? Carry on and keep on carrying on!

Love, elly

Getting there

Today wasn't perfect, food wise, but pretty darn close. If every day was as good as today, I'd be fine. However, some will be worse and some will be better, and that's OK as long as I never give up.

I'm definitely slightly under the weather, but eating well will help that too. I'm going to bed early again.

Love, elly

Makes sense...

When I get run down, even when it's emotional exhaustion, I often get sick. I'm starting to get a sore throat and sinus congestion. Sigh.
When I eat like I have been I can gain a lot of weight in a short period of time. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 209 lbs, and I deserve every one of them. Probably my worst day of the last 2 weeks included supper, followed by a big bag of chips, a box of ice cream bars, and a 20 pack of Halloween kit kats. Sigh.
Today was a lot better, but not perfect. I'm going to bed early.
Love, elly

A promise is a promise!

I've started early, so I can get a decent comment made before I crash.

There have been a number of misunderstandings since I started this process of asking for help to have a respectful workplace, particularly between the principal, Nicole, and the HR woman, Paula. While I've been frustrated by the delays this has caused, I appreciate that it's also allowed me the time to get more clarity about what I want.

Friday afternoon I met at the board office with the wellness manager, Jo, and the HR sidekick, Mary. I reviewed my notes with them, including some past history of the times I have tried to resolve issues with this woman. After some questions, Mary reviewed the options of meeting with the bully(I think it's confusing to say her and I don't want to use her name), using the principal, a mediator or Mary to facilitate, or to file a formal complaint, so they can interview witnesses and discipline her if they find evidence of harassment. I don't like any of these options.

I told them that if I could have my preference, I would like to have her supervisor, who is Dr Brenda Kenyon and the mental health lead for the board, do a coaching/ counseling session with the bully. I respect her and so does the bully. I'm hoping that if she could get the message across to her, without any threat of discipline, her ego may remain intact and we might have the best chance of actually developing a better relationship. I think being investigated and/or disciplined would be so embarrassing to the bully that it has the potential to do more harm than good. I also think that it would be very difficult and polarizing to a small staff, who don't want or need to get caught in the middle of this crap.

They have agreed in principle to do exactly that. I would need to meet with Brenda first, and I'm fine with that. They assured me that they would not allow the delays that have already happened to continue. They told me they're sorry for what I've been through and they want to help make it better. I believe them. I also was able to clarify that if this doesn't work and I go ahead with a formal complaint, I want to move schools.

One question that Mary asked me while I was there was did I feel like the bully's apology was sincere. I do believe it was, even though she was also trying to excuse or minimize responsibility by making the comment about being on the spectrum. I think she was embarrassed because she knew how awful she'd been. It helped me to realize that.

One way or another, I know I'm coming to the end of it. I'll be glad when it's over. I'm really trying to get a grip on my eating without waiting for it to be resolved. The reality is that it may never be completely resolved and I need to learn to respect myself around food as much as by standing up for myself.

Happy birthday to my very good friend and sister, Cory, on Friday. Happy fifth birthday today to Adrian, one of my most precious gifts! I'm crazy about you!

Love, elly

Exhausted

Physically and emotionally, just exhausted. Of course, eating the way I am is exhausting too.

Celebrated Cory's birthday today with her family.

Tomorrow, I promise!

Love, elly

Tell you tomorrow

Just too tired tonight.
Love, elly

Better, but not quite there...

Got to the pool and walked the dogs. Ate better for most of the day. I'm just not quite making it.

Pete, usually I still can find the compassion for her, but other times I'm triggered by hearing her bullying others and I know there's still so much potential for her to continue. There's compassion and then there's stupid and as long as I haven't found a way to keep safe around her, I get anxious. The anxiety starts the negative thoughts, which go around and around in my head and I hate it. I hate that I can't keep focused on positive things. I'm pretty sure I'm still not depressed, but I find it hard to be on guard all the time, because I eventually realize I'm feeling angry again. I'm angry that I'm giving her so much power over me, and I still get out from under it, I just can't seem to stay out.

I had a wonderful supper with Jay's 3 girls and love them to bits!

Love, elly

The struggles continue

I ate somewhat better today. I did get to the gym, but had very little energy. I managed a short walk at lunch and took the dogs out after work. I still don't have much energy.

The board wants me to file an official complaint and then they'll decide if they will investigate. Great.

Today a coworker told me that her highness told her that she had been insensitive to someone and she should get better at that. The coworker asked if it was me she was referring to. Biatch is talking about me, even if she didn't mention my name. Nice action for a social worker eh?? I'm pretty fuckin' discouraged.

I'm actually hoping that my mood is directly related, cause otherwise I'm gonna get nervous!

Stay golden, ponyboy!

Love, elly

Trouble

While I'm definitely feeling that I'm experiencing some trouble, I'm encouraged that it's starting to look like our country is in less trouble. Even though it's not how I voted, I don't blame anyone for voting in a way that would ensure that Steven Harper didn't get to destroy our country any further. Thank god!

Kelly helped me move my bed again on the weekend, putting it directly under the window beside my neighbours driveway, to get some more fresh air. However, I had to get up at 4 AM to close the window because the exhaust from his truck was drifting in, right on top of me. Quite disgusting!

I struggled to get up this morning, didn't get to the gym and didn't weigh in. Not that I needed that to figure out that I'm struggling to come back from my set back last week. I'm doing fine at work, even though I still don't think they'll do anything about her behaviour. She asked me again today if I wanted to talk to her and I just told her "no thanks".

So, I'm going to bed, hoping that tomorrow will allow me a clearer head with healthy choices.

Love, elly

I might need a kick in the ass!

...maybe stepping on the scale in the morning will do it! It seems I've been making a lot of excuses lately and my challengers are falling down on the job!

Thanks to Tim and Jen for the lovely dual birthday party yesterday. Thanks to Kelly for help sorting paperwork today!

Love, elly

It's on the table!

I didn't realize that the principal had decided to move the note from "her" mailbox, where it's been sitting all week, and slide it under her door. "She" called me out of class this afternoon, put her arm around me as we're walking to her office and said, "I'm such a duffus". When we got to her office she says, "I'm so sorry, sometimes I think I must be on the spectrum". By this time, I've realized that she must have seen my note, but I asked, to confirm. Then I told her I couldn't talk about it. She says, "come and get me when you want to talk and I'll make time for you". I just repeated that I couldn't talk about it and went back to class.

I find it mind boggling that she could actually think that I still want to discuss anything with her unless it concerns a student. The number of times over the last 4 1/2 years that I have tried to talk to her, or defend myself from her accusations is unbelievable. I've also involved the principal (and past principals) and the wellness coordinator in the past too, so it should be well documented how hard I've tried. I also find it kind of offensive for her to excuse her behaviour by saying she must be on the autism spectrum. I know lots of kids on the spectrum who would never be as mean as she is.

When I told the principal "she" had tried to talk to me, she said that she'd finally gotten a response from HR and they wanted to discuss it on Monday. They also suggested that OSSTF has mediation that we could use. I've already told them I'm not sitting with a board mediator, so I'm not sure why they think I'd want one from OSSTF.

I think it's sad, but I really don't think that they're going to do anything about it, so I'm glad that I've made a decision that gives her the least ammunition to harass me any further. I didn't fall apart and I survived just fine. I think I'll be even stronger if she ever pulls anything like this again too. I admit I stuffed my anxiety down with food the rest of the day, but I'm done now.

I'm looking forward to celebrating a few birthdays tomorrow!

Love, elly

Feeling weird

But not in the usual way. I was cooking supper and suddenly started to brown out. I sat down immediately so I wouldn't fall down and the feeling eventually passed. Now it's a few hours later and I have a horrible headache. I hope to sleep it off, whatever it it.

Love, elly

Still waiting for the hammer to fall

Well, she obviously hasn't read my note yet, because she asked me today if she was allowed to meet her supervisor. She does nothing but criticize and mouth off but when she gets called in, she suddenly wants my opinion...unbelievable. I just told her, I'm not the strike captain, which she already knew.

Regardless of the anxiety I still feel about her reaction, I ate well, walked at lunch and worked hard. I think I'm gonna be OK!

Pete, I don't wanna punch her in the mouth, but I admit that I would take some perverse pleasure from watching you kick her in the teeth...no hands though, you might get contaminated!

Love you all, elly

Almost back

It was a difficult meeting this morning, but I think it went well. My principal did not want me to post the apology to the other staff, saying I had already apologized and she didn't think it would be useful. She actually thought it might encourage some of them to blame me more and that I didn't deserve it. She intended to contact the woman at the board office who supervises the social workers to discuss the situation, as she clearly sees it as workplace harassment. They offered me a mediator and I told them I have no interest in discussing anything further with this woman. The principal acknowledged that I've already given her multiple opportunities to sort things out.

I ate really well all day and went out for a walk over lunch. After supper I lost control, but I'm determined that it won't happen again tomorrow. I said I was putting it behind me and that's what I'm gonna do.

Love, elly

Thanks

I'm grateful for so many things on a daily basis, but especially for family this weekend. I'm also grateful that I had the weekend to save me from myself.
On Friday I was so distressed that I asked for help to resolve the bullying situation at work, but I had no clear plan about what that would look like. Then Friday night and Saturday I started to panic about her reaction. She's such an arrogant woman and is certainly not going to take kindly to a complaint. I felt like a terrified kid, thinking about reporting abuse, worried that it would get worse if I said anything.
As a way to get more clear about what I wanted and what might be realistic to expect, I started writing about what happened and how I felt. I wrote it in a note to her, and rewrote it over and over, eliminating anything I couldn't prove or didn't matter.
Then I made a few decisions; first I took responsibility for extending my apology to the rest of the staff who probably felt caught in the middle. I will post that tomorrow. Second I resigned as chief negotiator of the bargaining unit and asked our provincial negotiator to step in. Third I finished a draft letter to her, which I'm taking to the meeting tomorrow. If they don't have a problem with it, I'll pass it on.
I learned so much, mainly that I won't change her, but I can protect and stand up for myself...I can change. I also value and appreciate the contributions I have made to the bargaining unit. As long as I believe, no one can take that away from me. My union career hasn't ended like I expected it would, like so many other things in life. And that's OK!

Love, elly

Thinking

I've had lots of anxiety the last few days, but I'm also doing some thinking. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have made enough sense of it that I can share. In the meantime, I'm moving through it.

Love, elly

Choices

I made lots of them yesterday, as we all do every day. Most of my bad ones were about food. However, I also made some good ones that were about taking care of myself.

I decided fairly early in the day to ask people at work who are involved in our strike action to consider taking over for me as strike captain. I then called our provincial negotiator to have some discussion about our local negotiations. He called me back and said that he will absolutely take over as spokesperson at our local table. He also understood totally the stress of people in the local sites not having any understanding of the toll it takes being the person who stands up to take on leadership in these positions. He suggested that I take a few days to consider if it would be better and healthier for me to stop everything, even the local table negotiations. I'm thinking about it.

I asked my coworkers to meet at the end of the day, and after some coercion from the person who's been bullying me, someone else agreed to take over. This person also made reference to "our big fight" during this brief discussion.

I didn't go to work today. I've spent most of the morning crying and thinking. I called our wellness person at the board office, told her what's been going on, and asked for help. If it can't be resolved, I need to move to another school. She suggested that I go back to the principal and ask her to help resolve the problem. I've set up an appointment with her and the principal for early Tuesday morning.

I'm pretty anxious about facing her bullying and addressing what's going on, but I figure I have nothing to lose. I just want her to leave me alone and not talk to me.

Interestingly, I'm not depressed. I'm sad and angry, but not depressed. The food decisions will sort themselves, as I sort through this.

Now I'm going for a walk.

Love, elly

Teetering

...on the brink! I did fine all day and then totally lost it tonight, eating cookies (not homemade) and candy, which I'm not even a big fan of. Yuck!!

Sigh, tomorrow is another day and another opportunity.

Love, elly

Better

Nothing like a pile of shit to put things into perspective. I was going to relate all the gorey details, but don't want to relive them. Suffice it to say that our social worker, who's not my favourite person, got her shit in a knot and took it out on me. It actually helped me to be determined not to buy into her junk and do what I need to do, which is take care of me...I did much better today! It's exhausting though and I'm pooped. (Probably all the shit!) I wonder if that's why I've struggled a bit with constipation lately too!!

That's all I've got tonight except that I believe the onceler does have it right, thanks Pete!

Love, elly

Oh oh!

Today was the first day since the start of the school year that I went into the kitchen to get food.  It was a busy afternoon, but then I kept right on eating after I got home. It's mostly stress from the sanctions, but its also possible that I'm going to sabotage now that I'm below 200 again. Regardless, I need to find some other way!

I weighed in at the Y at 198 lbs, down 1 lb since last week. I haven't set a new goal, but think it's probably the perfect time. 195 it is.

Oh, and Pete, I only rearranged the furniture when it became my idea, a year later. So far, I like it!

Love, elly

Oops!

I usually blog in bed on my tablet. Last night I read for a while, fell asleep, woke up again on time, but wasn't willing to get back out of bed to reset the router so I had no internet connection.

I'm pretty sure it would have been a really fantastic post, but unfortunately for me (probably fortunate for you!), I've forgotten most of it.

What I do remember is admiring the look of pure joy on my son's face as he listened to his boys talking to him. He is so present when they want to tell him something and it makes me feel so happy.

I also got some wonderful news from a dear friend who is becoming a grandparent in the spring, after years of accepting the fact that it would probably never happen to her. I was just filled with such joy that she will get to experience the wonder of that uniquely precious experience, as its still the very best thing in my life!

Today I rearranged my furniture; putting the bed at the front of the house and the living area further back. When I first moved down here, every single person told me to put it that way, but I really wanted to wake up being able to see out the window to the yard. I love seeing the trees swaying in the breeze and watching the birds. However, because it's the area that you walk into, people often sat on my bed rather than move to the living area, so the couches never got used. As it gets darker I can't see much out there anyway, so I thought I'd give it a try. The nice thing is that if I don't like it, it's all in one room and I just slide it around again. There's not really a convenient spot for the TV, but I really only watch anything when the kids are here. I might have to get some opinions about relocating it.

I'm feeling grateful.

Love, elly

Still tired

...but plodding along and doing ok. Going to bed.

Love, elly

Tired

I'm not sure I'm up for this labour unrest; not that I have much choice, but I sure don't like it! The energy at work is high anyway because we have a lot of new students who are pretty interesting characters, and this is adding a tension that we could do without.

I'm imagine that my physical tired is all about the same thing, which means I came home from work and nibbled for quite a while before going to bed. Jessie was to come for a visit but she cancelled so we'll do it another time.

I guess that's all I have the energy for tonight; love, elly

Career low

I'm not supposed to talk about it, but suffice it to say this is the lowest point in my work life. Most board admin never appreciate the work of support staff, but getting acknowledgement that the ministry doesn't either is a kick in the pants. Oh well, I guess we're gonna do what we need to do to help them understand! Wish us luck!

One thing I love about these provincial meetings when we have them is that they feed us well; good fresh food, very well prepared and served. Mmmm.

No biking today, Toronto is too far.

Love, elly

Content

I rode my bike in the rain to the clinic at the general. My blood pressure is good and I'm only 7 lbs over my weight a year ago. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks I'm a success. The Dr even told me that almost everyone gains a little bit back, but the fact that I had gained some and was losing it again was a good sign that the lifestyle changes are solid. He didn't know exact percentages but assured me that he believes the program will continue. I impulsively hugged him and thanked him when I was leaving and he hugged me right back! It was wonderful to see the other staff too.

The rest of the day was quiet, ending with a lovely meal with Tim's family...thanks!

Love, elly

Hey...

Here I am, still!

I went to Pilates with Jen and Anne tonight. The best part? Seeing Adrian, Aubrey and Penelope before and after!

I'm going to ride my bike to the General tomorrow for my appointment at the clinic, and then to work from there. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, I'll be in Toronto all day for a meeting regarding our negotiations, which have reached an impasse. (Fuck!)

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 199 lbs, and considering the ups and downs and celebrations this week, I'll take that, thankfully!

Love, elly

Whoa!

The last few days kind of got away from me, but I'm trying to get a grip. Friday evening I had supper with my sisters and ate a ridiculous amount of delicious food that Betty prepared. It was a short visit before Stella returns to the east coast. I fell asleep before posting. Saturday I actually totally forgot about it; an indication that I'm a little disconnected. Today I had my MRI on my cervical spine, which won't show anything except that I'm old!

Part of the reason I've been feeling off is that I have my 2 year check up this week. I don't feel any pressure to be in a better place personally, but I admit some concern about whether or not the data will rank me as a failure, evidence that the program doesn't work...that would really upset me because I believe it does work. If I can survive the winter from hell and still be fairly healthy, I'm hoping it will be good enough. I would hate to see it cancelled! I opt for thinking positive.

Love, elly

Back from the brink!

Yesterday I had a meeting at the district office, which holds some awful memories for me. The meeting was fine and went well, but I was anxious all day, concerned that I would run into someone I didn't want to see. When I got home from the meeting, I should have blogged and gone to bed, but I ate instead. Then I had a terrible night, mostly because I ate.

I thought I turned it around, went to the pool and went to work, but by noon, I was in the kitchen, eating, tired and discouraged. It took me an hour to figure out that I needed sleep, to get resettled, so I left work, came home and went to bed.

Several hours later, I feel like I'm my normal (weird) self again. I really wish I didn't need to keep figuring this stuff out all over again and again. On the other hand, I'm grateful that I figure it out over and over, because it means I'm not giving up.

We had a staff social tonight; I didn't go. Good decision. I've had a simple light supper and am gonna take the dogs for a walk before I go to bed. I guess I'm gonna make another appointment with the eye doctor too, as she said it should be better by Wednesday or to come back...

You can see the inside lower lid isn't making contact with the eye.

Seen from this angle, you will notice the upper lid almost hangs over the lashes completely!

I'm stuck in the middle of the page here, so signing off...Love, elly

Tired and a little sore

...but still good. The school gym class is adding a strength component to my pool and bike routine that is challenging my core. Lots of times modeling is the most useful for the students, so I'm happy to oblige.

The tired seems more manageable since I've decided to just go to bed if I'm tired. Sometimes that means I'm awake again by 2 am, but it's better than trying to stay awake and ending up eating the whole time. I'm only using the melatonin maybe once a week to help get caught up when I get too far in the hole and I can live with that.

I'm starting to accept that both of the possibilities for the problem with my eye are likely true. It is still slowly improving, but my lower lid continues to fall away from the eye causing continuing irritation. I remember a few years ago before Knight lumber on Raglan St closed, seeing a man who worked there whose lower lids were completely bogged out leaving his eyes bloodshod from the irritation...I can't help but wonder if that will eventually be my fate too. My upper lids are only held out of my eyes by the lashes and have been so for several years already. I'm truly grateful for my vision so I'm continuing with the cold packs and patience!

Love, elly

Yeah!!

I broke the 200 lb barrier and weighed in at 199 lbs this morning at the Y. My new goal will be to maintain the general calm about eating and reach 190 lbs. I know I can do it!

I'm sitting with an ice pack again, because about 6:30 it was getting quite irritated and it made me realize that for most of the day it felt pretty good...progress!

Love, elly

Evidence

We had to get mom to help with the pic this morning!

It was a quiet day after they went home until 4 when I joined the Slessors for dinner and a movie and then quiet again. I've iced my eye several times and I'm not sure if it's helping or not. I can't wait to get back to the pool in the morning, but also need to do my fasting blood work so I'm getting up early so I can hopefully do both before work.

My friend Carol's husband died Friday morning. It was quick and that's a blessing, but still hard. They are having a private service and then the hard part will start...learning to live life without him. I'm arranging a get together with our 2 old friends cause it's been too long and I never know when I will get another chance to see them.

Typing with one eye covered is still a pain!

Love, elly

Round 2

The girls have gone home and the other Crowe kids have replaced them. I wasn't as well prepared for pics what with juggling bags, formula, pull ups and miss P herself, so I'll try to get a few for tomorrow.

I thought my eye was improving but it's driving me crazy tonight. I'm currently holding my tablet over my face with an ice pack balanced over the eye, trying to see enough to type. That's it for tonight, I'm afraid!

Love, elly

Sleepover!

It must still be summer if we're having a sleepover, cause sleepovers are awesomely wonderful!

This is a nice way to end a hectic week. I started the day off badly, deciding to have blood work done that I need before my upcoming checkup at the bariatric clinic. Since I can't go to the pool anyway this week, I figured I'd go down before 7 when they open and get it over with before work. I'm standing in the kitchen eating my egg, going over what I had to do before leaving and realized right away that I didn't need to bother...it's a fasting test!!

I got out to the eye Dr at lunch time and she thinks I have a virus. She figures that another few days should take care of it, she gave me some drops to make it a little more comfortable and told me to put cold compresses on to reduce the inflammation. Sounds good to me! The alternative she suggested was that because my lids are so droopy, they could actually be flipping inside out while sleeping. That doesn't sound quite as nice to me, so I'm sticking with the first option!

Supper out with my girlies and now we're ready for bed! Good times!

Love, elly

Better

Today I figured out how to "unfriend" people on Facebook and deleted Bernie and every single relative of his. I have grown quite close to several of them over the years, but it's just too painful to see constant reminders.I was going to message those I was closest to and explain when I realized that some things require no explanation. I was really stunned by how good it felt when I was done. If any of them want to they can get in touch and I suspect that the reality is that they won't. It's OK, I'm ready!

I'm continuing to love riding my bike and my phys ed class! I won't be able to ride tomorrow as I managed to get an appointment to have my left eye checked out at lunch time. It's really been bothering me for over a week now. Then after work I'm meeting Jason's girlies for a sleepover and getting a haircut. Nice way to end the week.

I received paperwork in the mail today about the human anatomy program at the university of Guelph. It sounds like it will be a good fit for me to donate my body, but I'll have to step up my goals...they won't accept me if I'm over 200 lbs! Just one more reason to keep on keeping on!

Love, elly

Sad

I know I'll get over it and eventually the sadness will pass, but tonight I'm having a good old cry. Maybe this is the last of the heartbreak I've been struggling with for almost 2 years. Maybe now I can start healing. Even though I know that I need to let go, it's still really hard some days and today is one of those days. Regardless, the current emotions will not rule me. I might be cracked (pun intended) but I'm not broken!

On a positive note, work is challenging and wonderful. Plus, I'm in a phys. ed. class period 1, so I get to start the gym being active; yahoo!! Tomorrow we're doing a fit test and today I planked for a min, 10 sec. It isn't much, but more than twice what some of the kids did!

Thank you all for knowing my worth, believing in me, and loving me! elly

To bed

It's only 8:45, but I'm not gonna make that mistake again. I only slept about 2 hours last night and I'm exhausted.

Thanks Tim and Jen for the great supper and doggie bag!

Love, elly

Continue

Still having a tough time getting words together. It's like I'm trying to isolate from myself! Weird...

Regardless, I had a great day at work and then came home and ate. I knew by 6 that I'd probably be ok if I'd gone to bed, but that just seemed ridiculous. I'm really torn in that circumstance because if I go to bed, then I'm awake at 2, but if I don't then I just eat until I do. I'll keep sorting!

I went to the Y to shower after my walk so that I could weigh in. I guess I'm still making some progress, even though I'm going up and down a bit. Down to 201 lbs today, one more to my goal.

I also had some pinched nerves in one leg and the opposite arm; 10 min in the hot tub just doesn't have the same effect as the pool! I'm still riding and that's going well.

Thanks for the love, elly

Break

I just couldn't get motivated to put something into words. They weren't perfect eating days, but they weren't horrible either. I've stopped trying to guess how much I'll pay for the choices I've made, but know that if I don't get back to writing, I will start to slide, so here I am.

It was a busy, but wonderful weekend, to market with some of the gang and helping Tim in the basement on Sat and swimming and game day today. It was lots of fun playing games, both individually and as a whole group with all the kids! I even resisted Jen's peach cobbler, which looked and smelled fantastic! I had a peach when I got home instead.

First day of regular classes tomorrow and the pool is closed for the week! I will have to walk instead and not only does that hurt more but the weather has a big impact too. I will also try to ride to work all week.

Thanks for family treasures.

Love, elly

Check

Surgery done, check.
Wonderful afternoon with Paula, check.
Great supper with Anne, Emily, Grace and Paula, check.
Healthy eating, check.
Ready for bed, check!

Love, elly

Relief

I spent a lovely afternoon with Paula, and got good news from the surgeon. He suspects a genetic cancerous predisposition is responsible for her several melanomas at this early age, but is not concerned about any node involvement. He will excise a larger wedge from her ear tomorrow, looking to get a 5 mm margin of healthy tissue around the latest one, and then stitch it together...all good news!

Love, elly

Settled down

Being ashamed doesn't help anything, so I'm done with that!

It was a busy productive day at work, with no food temptations! I took my ninja so I'll have it to make my smoothies. I also took food for the week so I can ride my bike the rest of the week...except tomorrow. I appreciate the return of routine.

I was a little discouraged to find a gift bag with girl guide cookies and tootsie roll pops on my door handle when I got home. It was a thank you for trying my tenants hair red for her! Anyway, I got over that too, putting the treats with the kids snacks and covering them with my "fat" pants.

I accidentally discovered the "everything" flavour of fold-its and love them! I had 2 with ham and cheese for supper.

Pete, I need you, so don't be slackin'!

Love, elly

Ashamed

For the first time in quite a while I'm really pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I weighed in at the Y at 202.5 lbs, up 1/2 lb. It's funny that I can be OK with whatever the weight is and focus strictly on the health, and get right back on track after minor setbacks, but then it becomes like I forgot that they actually happened and still get my hopes up that my weight will go down. As soon as I saw the weight I remembered the transgressions, but I was already disappointed in my reaction. Somehow I knew that it was going to be bad, and while it was a wonderfully enjoyable day spent with some of my favourite women in the world, I still managed to consume more than my daily calories after 3 pm. It was the worst pigfest I've had in a long time and I'm pretty sure I was just feeling sorry for myself. It's over, but I'm still embarrassed and feeling pathetic.

Better days ahead, stay real...

Love, elly

Anxiety

Just for a little while...otherwise good.

Love, elly

All's well

An enjoyable, productive day, started at the market with the Slessors and my sweet Aubrey. Then a good part of the day spent at Tim's, installing kitchen cabinets in the basement apartment, and ending with supper at Mary's. All's well that ends with supper at Mary's!

Love, elly

Quiet day

Daniel spent the day with me, as he puked all day yesterday. He was still at it this morning, but I gave him some gravol and he started drinking and eating shortly after. We had lots of snuggles, watched some movies and played some quiet games. I made some pear/applesauce with the pears Pete sent home with me off their trees and I love it; Daniel, not so much. Really, he hated it! Then we made mini pizzas on the barbeque for supper and Kelly and Sam joined us.

It was a gift!

Love, elly

I forgot!

Not posting, I just decided I was too tired yesterday when I got home from Pete and Roos, but work! I lazed about before going to the pool this morning. I checked my phone, to make sure I wasn't missing something scheduled, cause I thought I might have had something on, but nothing. When I got there, I found out that one of the pool regulars had died on Monday. I was getting information about the service from the front desk when another poolie came in and also stopped for the information. As we walked to the change rooms, he says, "so I guess you're back to work today." OMG, I was so relaxed from my mini vacation that I totally forgot! I guess it's a good thing I happened to mention it to him last week!

I rode my bike as planned and it was a pretty good first day. We are getting time once a month to address the issue of staff burn out because of the high stress we work in, which I think will help. We also were asked to start thinking about the personal goals we want to set for ourselves for the year and I think I might just incorporate my healthy eating plans. It doesn't need to be a direct education link, as long as what you work on will improve your work, which would certainly be the case. Having it be my work focus may also help with some of the issues that are challenging about it at work too.

I wasn't in a funk after work, but I did nibble at some extras, cheeses, yogurt and nuts. Maybe just a little anxiety about those ongoing challenges, but I still didn't consider the nutella! I'm determined!

Love, elly

Yee haw!

No kids, no dogs, my own space and the pool right outside! Such a nice treat to visit with Pete and Roo and so happy to give Kylie a doggie fix that she doesn't often get.

I forgot to mention yesterday that I weighed in at the Y at 202 lbs, so I must have done enough things right even with my  transgressions.

I don't know how I rate the family I have, but words can't express my appreciation and gratitude. I am so blessed with siblings, nieces and nephews, kids and grandkids. Maybe you get sick of hearing it, but when you forget your kids birthday and they send you such a loving heartfelt note that it makes you cry, you truly know the meaning of the word gratitude! I want to make sure that I include my many in laws too, as so many of them feel like family to me.

Before I left Guelph, I had a meeting with the director of the board. I was pleased with how it went, I felt that she heard and appreciated my input and she committed to continuing to address the concerns. I appreciate that I took the trouble to go and talk to her and speak up about my concerns.

That's it, a pretty close to perfect day.

Love, elly

Yup, life is good

My tenants love their bbq cover and wondered if I had it professionally made! They also brought me some lovely raspberry jam, which the girls are looking forward to having for breakfast.

The selfie is a little sketchy, but we like it! Good night!

Love, elly

Stuff

I don't need to ever lose more weight, but I need to keep working diligently at eating well as much as possible. Having said that, my current goal remains to reach 200 lbs.

Lack of sleep has a profound negative impact on just about every aspect of my life; from now on, if I've slept badly for 2 nights, I'm going to take something. I slept so well and feel like a new (ok slightly used) person.

I realized when I went to bed last night that I hadn't taken my pills the night before and missing the thyroid medication has the same negative impact. I have started using a dosette and try to take them right when I go to bed, but once in a while I still miss; usually when I'm tired!

Seeing some of my siblings is always a good thing for me, even when it's because someone died. I'm not sure how many adults can say that they enjoy their siblings, but I certainly appreciate time with mine. Actually, I'm realizing more and more that I don't really like living alone. I love having time alone, but not as much as I have. I think it really hits me when I've had kids here and wake up to their happy faces, and then it's so quiet when they go home.

Exercise is the other key component for my well being, and even though I'm busy constantly when kids are here, it's often hard to get a dedicated hour to just focus on my workout routine. Playing at the park or in the pool with them is wonderful, but doesn't give me the same benefit. I admit it's one thing I'm looking forward to about returning to work; schedule!!

Another thing I've intended to mention, just because it helps me to be honest with myself is the struggle I've had, only occasionally, with simple tasks. I decided I wanted to make a cover for my tenants barbecue. I bought material, pinned it and started sewing. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't figure out what it was. Once I had the second seam in, I knew I had sewn it on the wrong side. I took it out, but still couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong overall. I put it away and left it for 2 days. When I went back to it, it was as easy as it should have been from the start and it looks great. This same kind of thing has happened several times over the last few months and it scares me a little. Not a lot, and there's nothing I can do about it anyway, but it's a worry.

So, back on track with food, sleep, pills and I'm having an all granddaughter sleepover tomorrow. Yeah!!

Good thing I decided to get started early on this, cause otherwise it may have been another "tomorrow"!

Much love, elly

Need a good sleep

So I'm gonna take drugs. It seems like I'm having at least once a week where I'm too tired from not sleeping well, or not getting enough exercise and the food plan goes in the toilet. That's not really a problem if you're maintaining your current weight, but since I definitely feel more comfortable a bit lighter, I'm gonna have to improve.

There's other stuff that I hope to be motivated to talk about tomorrow, but the priority tonight is sleep.

Love, elly

Tomorrow

I'll try to catch up!

Love, elly

More fun, more tired.

Uno, skipbo, set, life Jr, two dots, biking, swimming with Sam, more time dying, and we finally got the handlebars on her bike adjusted. Phew! Time for snuggles in bed!

Love, elly

Tired

It's such a gift to spend one on one time with the kids. I don't know how they do it every day though. I'm exhausted! We rode again today; still no luck budging the handlebars. We swam; Daniel and Betty joined us. We played a lot of Uno, skipbo, life Jr, the sneaky snacky squirrel game, and barrel of monkeys. Grace also spends time every day on the monkey bars...not me; I barbeque.

Here's the end product of yesterday's tie dye;

We're pretty happy with how they turned out. Of course, she could make a burlap sack look good!

This, however, is my favorite; nothing more precious than waking beside her, especially since she doesn't pee the bed!

We're eating well.

Love, elly

Wonder

I think I remember that wonder and awe are gifts of the spirit. Grace is an absolute wonder and I'm in awe of her. She's just so lovely, down to earth, fun loving and kind. We raised her bike seat but the handlebars are seized so we've sprayed with penetrating oil and will try again tomorrow. The shifter is a mystery to me and we might not be able to do anything about it. We'll ride anyway!

I'm grateful for this precious time with Grace.

Love, elly

Busy, busy

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 205 lbs, the same as last week and 5 more to my goal. Considering the dessert fiasco of several days ago, it could have been much worse. Today was good.

I had Daniel and Sam unexpectedly, as their parents are idiots; you will recall that this is a family trait and one we're quite proud of. It also was the start of my week with Gracie Grace, and she loved that her first day was spent with the boys. After they left we learned Uno.

My beautiful, smart, sassy girl!

Love, elly

It's a good thing I'm not dead yet!

...cause I obviously still have lots to learn. More specifically, I still have lots to relearn. This was a week of being reminded of things I'd ignored or forgotten. The dessert thing I mentioned yesterday, drinking enough has been a challenge, breaking up periods of inactivity, going to bed when I'm tired, etc.

I'm looking forward to time with my precious Grace this week. While I love seeing the kids enjoy each other, the one on one time I've had with each of them this summer has been truly rejuvenating. I just love spending time with them.

I'm taking my own advice and heading to bed.

Love, elly

Polar opposite

Family; life giving, wonderful, comfortable!
Dessert; deceptive, destructive, beyond uncomfortable!
Nuff said.

Love, elly

We'll see...

Fail! Pete, I think you're lucky that l know (sometimes) how to add the freakin' pictures! I've tried to make it bigger but unless you have a tutorial of some kind, you'll just have to enlarge it yourself.

It was an interesting day. I've been thinking about an issue at the Union office where they don't want to reimburse me for some expenses. It was hard and I cried several times as I was writing the email, but I thought it was about time I dealt with it. I really don't care any more if they pay me or not, but I decided that I was gonna tell them exactly what I thought about it. Apparently, they've been talking at length about it and they say they're gonna pay me now. I'm not holding my breath and I won't be putting myself in that position ever again. It's a real shame because I was good at the job and I want nothing more to do with them. Regardless, it felt good.

Miss P, as you see above is ready for bed, and I won't be far behind. We had lots of fun in the pool and playing afterwards. Love her to pieces!

OMG, I just figured it out!! lol

Love, elly

I like it better when the kids are here!

I did a lot of laundry today, as Sam peed the bed and soaked everything! If I could chose to have the bed dry, but it meant he didnt come, I would chose the wet bed and laundry every time!

Also, rode my bike, walked, tie dyed, read, flew kites, and had a nice supper with the Slessors.

Tomorrow Miss P comes!! All is well in my world.

Love, elly

Tough day,

...perfect ending! I have the best grandsons ever! Daniel told me to say that, but its true.

Today was mom's birthday, and Mary reminded me that she would have been 92. It seems like more than 10 years ago, even though it's not quite. I miss her and wish I could have an hour or two to thank her for what she accomplished with what she had.

I think the biggest reason I struggled today is because I didn't sleep well again. Tonight I've taken half a sleeping pill, and hope tomorrow is better.

On the bright side, I ate well, with no slips. Much as it's hard to admit when I lose it, I know it's critical to getting back on track, so thanks for listening.

Other than giving K & D a night out for their anniversary by watching the above mentioned hulligans, I sent a message to the couple I mentioned on Saturday, telling them why I admire them so much, and offered some support to a friend whose husband is dying. As far as value added, it will have to do.

Love, elly

Lost it!

It was a perfectly marvelous day, spent with Aubrey actually really wanting to stay here instead of asking to go home every few hours. It was too hot, but still wonderful. Jen then made a terrific healthy supper for us and we all went to the park for a while.

What I can't explain, and need to if I don't want to keep repeating it, is why I felt the need to pig out at 9:30. Mind you, I didn't eat any of the kids treats, no cereal or nutella, but I still ate till 10! I know sometimes when I eat at that time, I'm tired, but I don't think it was that tonight.

I know I still have a little emotional hangover from the guys Ironman, and still get choked up thinking about their successes and disappointments. I'm hoping someone will post any pics that might be around. I have so much respect and admiration for all of them! I'm not sure if this contributed or not, just that it's another reason that I sometimes lose control at this time of day; feeling overly emotional!

It's over for now, and I'm grateful for that. I'll keep trying to pay attention to why it seems like it will help any of those situations, cause it never does solve anything!

Kudos to 3 Ironmen; Pete, Brett, and John, and to their Ironfans who represented the rest of us who were cheering them on the whole way.

Love, elly

The day of Aubrey

Aubrey came to visit first thing this morning. He's usually with someone else from home if he's away from home, so this was a first. He had a sad time and wanted to go home, but after swimming, and a snack, he was good to go again. He's the most amazing kid and just plays so hard. When he laughs, he laughs with his whole body, and he loves to wrestle. We spent a lot of time racing and playing with cars and loading as many of them as possible onto the train...

...building bridges,

making silly faces, singing songs etc. The rest of the pics, unfortunately just wouldn't load, which is shitty, cause he's so darn adorable!

I weighed in with a rude awakening, as anticipated. I weigh 204.5 lbs, up 1.5 lbs, but the vacation is over. Back to business.

We're gonna snuggle now. Love, elly

Tribute to my heros

First of all, doing what it takes to even be able to enter an Ironman competition is mind boggling to me. The dedication and perseverance is amazing and I'm humbled by knowing them.

Brett Kyle; swim 3.8 km 1:26:30, bike 180 km 6:44:50, run 42.2 km 4:46:58.  He was 58th in his division and 1324 overall after the swim, 53rd in his division and 1305 overall after the bike, and 36th in his division and 1018 overall at the finish. Congratulations, Ironman Brett!

John Rooyakkers; swim 3.8 km 1:50:55, bike 180 km 7:01:38 and run 42.2 km . He was 221st in his division and 1683 overall after the swim, 187th in his division and 1505 overall after the bike and a kickass spot in his division and  the perfect spot (1480) overall at the finish. Congratulations Ironman John!

Peter Rooyakkers; swim 3.8 km 1:36:30, bike 180 km 7:26:16, reached the limit of his current reality shortly after starting the marathon. He was 38th in his division and 1587 overall after the swim and 38th in his division and 1551 overall after the bike. He knows and respects his limits and is proud of his accomplishments. Congratulations Ironman Pete!

My heart has been in my throat all day, as I followed their progress. I will likely have a rude awakening on the scale in the morning as I got into some nibblies after supper...so much excitement..combined with the fact that I had several extras earlier in the weekend. Such is life.

I think the most amazing thing about all of these Ironmen is their down to earth attitudes, their comraderie and support of each other and their appreciation for their families. Amazing men!

Love, elly

Miracle

I attended a 30th birthday bash for a young man this evening. Every day of his life is a miracle and the fact that he has lived so long is astounding. His life expectancy was probably about 15 years. He uses a cpap constantly now, to even be able to speak. Yet, his love and enthusiasm for life are easily evident. He simply does and says whatever he can every minute of every day, and makes it look easy. I think it has truly become his natural state of being...a worthy ideal that I continue to strive for!

His lovely wife, who is her own beautiful miracle, (I introduced them to each other!) does the same, even though she can only speak with an assistive communication device. They are courageous beyond words, but they don't even know it. It does my heart good to see them from time to time and be reminded of how great love is, and how simple.

Speaking of love, I sent a short note to B last week. A note I have resisted sending, as it would not be helpful and wouldn't change anything. It was carefully worded to not lay blame, but simply stated how I'm feeling. I was wrong, it did help. It hasn't changed anything, but it's helped me immensely to acknowledge the pain.

I'm excited and sending loving energy to the Ironmen; Brett, John, and Pete. Love long and finish! (Auto corrected from live long and finish, but I like this even better!)

Love, elly

First annual Crowe family camp out!

There were a few hitches, but nothing these amazing kids and in-laws of mine couldn't figure out. It was so fabulous that I completely forgot to take some pics. Highlights included all the kids except miss P being closed in the trunk of Jason's truck driving around the property, bbq, white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies (yes I had 3!), dispatching the large Chinese lanterns, setting up tents inside the pavilion, frozen t-shirt contest (yes grandma and Adrian won!), the snail barrel, and last but by no means least, battles with Karsten, Jason's work pal and good friend.

Miss P and grandma came home to let the dogs out and sleep and we'll go back out for breakfast.

I'm blessed.

Love, elly

On the bright side

Sometimes it seems that I must bore you with the mundane stuff I regurgitate at the end of the day. Sometimes it bores me!

There is a lot more positive stuff than negative so I try to keep focused on those things. My house smells much less like skunk than yesterday. Thanks to my friend for the lampe berger. I think the tenants burned part of their supper tonight and I'm grateful, cause that's all I can smell! I'm loving spending time with Sam, even though he's cranky sometimes, and even my tenants adore him. I'm missing riding this week. I had a wonderful visit with Cory and a swim after, with her granddaughters. A had a short visit with Mary and Mike this afternoon too.

My mood continues to be fairly stable, although I'm already noticing the darkness in the morning. Likewise, my eating is also quite stable right now. My sleep still sucks, but like I said, more good than bad.

Thanks for love and support.

Love, elly

Somethin' smells funky!

I mean skunky! First thing this morning when I let the dogs out to see, I knew immediately I had a problem. The smell was so intense that I could hardly make myself open the door! I got gloves on, took a can of v8 outside and doused Lucy, who very obviously got sprayed, poor girl.   Then I put her in the shower and washed her several times. Later I used a mix of peroxide, baking soda and dawn dish detergent, and washed both of them, which seems to have done the trick on them. Oh, and I gave Lucy a shave too!

The problem remains that the patio, and in turn, the house just reeks. I've cleaned everything with diluted bleach, and it helps for a half hour. I've burned incense and sprayed odour absorber. It helps for a short while. I still smell skunky and I've been in the pool twice today!!

I think she was probably on the grass when she got blasted, so not much is gonna help there. She must have been pretty close too, cause you could see exactly everywhere she got it!

I was so tired, starting my day at 6 with that and the boys didn't go home till 9 pm, after a movie. I'm just to old for skunks!! Posting early this morning because I fell asleep last night!

Love, elly

Thumbs up!

It was a wonderful day. I weighed in at the Y at 203 lbs, with 3 more to my goal. It was a wonderful day! Did I mention it was a wonderful day??!!

Love, elly

Surprise!

It rained a lot today, cancelling Sam's plans to play outside.
The patio roof has sprung a leak; actually several.
Sam beat me at minion trouble; almost skunked me.
Danny had to work late and asked me to pick up Daniel.
Kelly sent me the code to pick him up.
I didn't hear anything more from either one of them.
Daniel and Sam both beat me at Uno.
Still no word, I fed them both supper.
Still no news, we showered and got ready for bed.
We went through a whole book of rhymes and songs and settled in to bed.
Of course, then the parents both claimed that they told me that Kelly had a meeting... NOT!
Some surprises are too wonderful for words!

Love, elly

Another day older and deeper in debt!

I'm pretty sure it's Johnny Cash, and it's been looping through my head since last evening.

I was simply too tired to blog after the hilarity that ensued after supper at Mary's last evening. My fellow seacow and extra sister Karen and I share a birthday, and Terry, Denise, Andy, Lisa and Paula had joined Mary and Mike to celebrate. It was such fun, easy camaraderie, and even though, or maybe because the conversation focused largely on farting, we all laughed so hard we could hardly talk. The younger gang still look forward to all the many ways their bodies will betray them as they get older, and that's how it should be. Thanks, all!

Today the celebration moved to Valens, a conservation area where we often went with kids and cousins when we were all younger. The kids all brought things for barbecue and the grandkids played and swam and ate. It was a glorious day, the weather was perfect and I received several notes and pictures that I treasure. This card from Paula sums up the day.

...and that's as it should be!

Thanks, all! Love, elly

Good day, eh!

Today I decided to take the trail that runs along the river through town for my bike ride. I debated whether or not it was a good idea as the river runs in the low places. This means that on the way home, I'm gonna have a big uphill climb at the end of the ride. I did take the side streets so as to avoid the pressure of traffic, but the climb itself was no problem!

I had a call last night from a friend whose husband has received a clean bill of health after treatment for lung cancer, only to find that it has spread to his spine and is untreatable. I'm going to find some creative ways to support and love them through this process and I spent some energy thinking about them today.

I kept busy with odd jobs and the garden and ended the day with supper and a visit with my Mia. I never see enough of her and it was wonderful to visit. We checked out a few of my new games too; anyone tried kanoodle??

Thanks for days filled with appreciation. Thanks for good friends. Thanks for exercise and a healthy attitude.

Love, elly

The little things

Often, it's not the big disasters that set me on my ass, as there are things that need to get done. Likewise, it's not the huge things that become my favourite memories, but the small everyday things.

Yesterday when I was struggling to find a reason for my existence, I met 3 kids at the end of the street, where I often take my dogs; a 12 or 13 year old with 2 much younger siblings. The pleasure they got from throwing Lucy's ball for her was obvious and Lucy obliged by chasing it as often as they threw it, even though she was tired. It made me happy to be able to share that joy with them.

Today I got a card from my tenants; just a reminder that Kelly found me the Best Tenants Ever!!

I got an emergency (not really) call to pick up Daniel and Sam from their camps today. When they got here, they asked to play the new board games, not on my tablet!

I rode my bike out to the Guelph lake this morning. A good portion of that trail is through the bush; need I say more??

I have been a little more selective with the reading material I've bought lately. It's been a good decision and I would recommend everything on this list if you're looking; a wide variety and all amazing!
The Goldfinch, Donna Tartt,
The Martian, Andy Weir
All the Light We Cannot See, Anthony Doerr
The Nightingale, Kristin Hannah
A House in the Sky, Amanda Lindhout
The Secret Daughter, Kelly Rimmer
I'll Give You the Sun, Jandy Nelson
Speak, Laurie Halse Anderson

Thanks for my life!

Love, elly

I don't wanna talk about it!

I will, but I don't wanna so it will be short.

I struggled yesterday, didn't blog. I woke up around 6 this morning and 45 minutes later I knew I was in trouble. It came in like a wave of darkness that actually scared me. I got up, went to the pool, went for a ride, came home and did several baking experiments in prep for a visit with John, Linda, Jessie and Sam. I kept busy all day and focused on the visit, which was wonderful and exactly what I needed.

What a lovely gift from Jessie!

I ate the rest of the ice cream after they left, but at least I made Sammie take home the nut and seed brittle!

Love, elly

Leisure

I normally don't do well with leisure time, but I think there was enough activity between that I actually enjoyed the day.

The pool wasn't open till 9 because of the holiday, so I cleaned the patio and everything on it before I went. Then when I got back I went for a bike ride.

I don't like that the water bottle has to be on the handlebar, but they tell me it would interfere with stepping through if it was where it normally is. I call bullshit, but will probably need to rig it up myself. I already moved it from the outside to the inside, so I could hook on my basket for Saturday markets.

It also doubles as a dog carrier in a pinch, but I couldn't manage a pic of that! I rode them to the park to throw some balls for Lucy before supper.

As well as this sewing project, which I ripped apart so often I wondered if the fabric would hold, I repaired a pair of Jason's cargo shorts, which was probably a waste of time, because the material is such shite that they will probably just rip again. Regardless, it was a labour of love and, as such, was rewarding.

I weighed in this morning at 205 pounds, same as last week, which was no surprise. I feel back on track, with 5 more to my goal. I'm still avoiding the last of the paperwork, but today was too good to spoil!

Thanks for love in all shapes and sizes. Thanks for my doggies. Thanks for my covered patio. Thanks for good reading.

Love, elly

Emotional

It's been an emotional few days. I don't know why there are days like that for no real reason. I've been feeling heartbroken, even though I've accepted the reality. I think maybe it's letting go of the dream of what I wanted for the relationship. There's been a bit of emotional eating, so I imagine the scale will reflect that, but I'm still impressed that I'm problem solving and using good strategies once I realize what's going on.

Speaking of good strategies, I love, love, love my bike. I had forgotten how much I love to ride. It's a bit more work for my legs, because I sit so upright, but so awesome! I've been out on it every day. Did I mention that lifetime services are included in the price? Well worth it!

Both Jason's and Tim's families are away this week, so it's a good thing that Kelly and Danny are back home. They joined Paula and me at the pool this morning, which is one of my favourite Sunday morning activities. Nana Cobb returns to Winnipeg in the morning too, so it was nice to share part of the day with her. She's such a wonderful addition to our family and now that Auntie Danna and Uncle Chris have moved to Australia, she's far away from all her kids and grandkids. It's a good reminder for me to count my blessings!

Thanks for an organized shed. Thanks for brothers and sisters who are my best friends and staunchest supporters. Thanks for slightly cooler weather. Thanks for living close to the people who love me most.

Love and gratitude, elly

Maybe tomorrow

I'll have something interesting to say. Today I played with the kids, provided an almost constant supply of food, and then rested and watched movies after they went home. I love having them over, and I love it best when it's one at a time. Otherwise it's too much like parenting!!

Thanks for wonderful kids, add ons and grandkids, to infinity and beyond!

Love, elly

Long day

All is well!

Too fuckin' hot!i

I've done pretty well the last little while as the weather has gotten hot, pacing myself and keeping out of the sun as much as possible. I don't even think that today was the hottest day we've had, but it really got to me. I went for a bike ride as soon as I got home from the pool to avoid the worst of it. I'm not sure if I didn't have enough food for the extra activity or if it was strictly the heat, but after 11 o'clock I had a horrible headache, was nauseated, but at the same time was just ravenous for protein. I couldn't stuff it in my face fast enough and that lasted till after supper, when I felt pretty good again. I did a little yard work and some sewing and I feel fine. I only went 100 calories over my guidelines, so I'm OK with that, but I think I'll need to watch it a little more closely when it's hot as stink, just to make sure I eat before I get to that point. I had to read and nap all afternoon!!

Thanks for small miracles. Thanks for sewing machines. Thanks for being able to rest when needed. Thanks for air conditioning!

Love, elly

Hmmm

Internet is down, posting from my phone, which is a new experience. It will be short!
I bought 10 inch galvanized  spikes to replace the cheap plastic ones that gave me grief with my garden project... problem solved.
I lost Lucy's favourite ball 2 days ago, but returned for a more thorough search today... success!
I bought a new bike! I rode in the stinking heat and loved it!
Thanks for the encouragement; I don't think much about it and don't do it for the response, but it means so much to me to get some positive feedback.  Thanks for loving family.  Thanks for the garden and books, although they won't download either!
Love elly

Tough day

I wont bore you with the details, but I had some anxiety today, and I felt pretty useless. However, I didn't even consider turning to food, but did use a few other strategies to help. It didn't help that it was hot as stink, and I just can't handle even walking the dogs in that kind of heat.

I ended the day beautifully, with an evening of dinner, games and activities, planned and prepared by Anne and the girls, which totally compensated for the rest of the day.

I weighed in at the Y at 205 lbs, with 5 more to goal.

Thanks for entertainment a la Em and Grace. Thanks for sisters. Thanks for air conditioning.

Love, elly