criticism

As I predicted, I feel much more settled and connected again today. I appreciate that I no longer panic if I have an off day or two, as my problem-solving is in gear and I'm just waiting for the pieces to come together in a way that makes sense to me, trusting the process and my intuition. It's so nice that my fallback position is no longer judgement and criticism.

I was back at the clinic today to speak to another group, and also met the director of the program. I had several people thank me afterwards, saying how great it was to have my perspective. I had one person who told me that I should have told them that not everyone loses as much weight as I did. I thanked her and promised that I would mention it next time. She continued for several minutes about it and I decided to accept that she thought I should have been able to predict everything that people needed or wanted to know. Interesting that with most questions, I included a reflection about it being different for everyone, but she focused on the one time I didn't. I also mentioned to the group that I learned not to make it all about the numbers, so I'm sure that most people got a helpful, realistic message that inspired hope. I'm good with it.

My favourite response was in reaction to a comment someone made about getting bucked off the horse 100 times, but getting back on. I replied that the program would help them to get on a gentler horse, which was kinder to them and one they could feel comfortable on. One that would allow them to stay on the horse and enjoy it!

I'm happy to say I'm blogging on my new tablet, money well spent!

In gratitude for learning new riding strategies, elly

"Criticism, like rain should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." Frank A Clark

"To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing." Elbert Hubbard

I don't wanna talk about it!

...but I will.  It's one of the times that I knew would come when it\s a little harder to keep focused on what my choice is.  It took me 4 cookies after supper to get back to where I am now, and I'm OK with that.  I know that it's important to get myself talked back to where I need to be and I know that tomorrow will be better for it.

I'm a bit tired , and tired of sitting at the General, and tired of tablets that don't work, and tired of needing a tablet that works!!  I hate to admit how much I need it, but I do.  So tomorrow I buy another one and get over it.

Grateful for perspective, elly

By the way, Pete, I sure hope you're keeping an eye on lumber prices for a good deal...

good news, bad news

The best news is that the MRI shows no stones currently in my common bile duct.  If there happens to be one there by the time I have surgery, they will put a tube down my throat later to get it out.  Gone are the days when they gut you going after that one last elusive stone. Good news; not planning on having another one of those. Good news; surgery will be about an hour and as soon as I can keep a sip or 2 of tea down, I can go home.  Bad news; I'll go home to be miserable and can't drive until my pain can be managed with tylenol or advil.  Worst news; no pool for at least a week. Good news; he suggested 2 weeks off work, but if I feel OK, I can go back after 1 week.  I plan to feel good. Good news; my bowels may be a little looser!!  Wohoo!!

Honestly my biggest anxiety comes from realizing that I will be bored and unable initially to do much about it.  When I'm bored I eat too; more anxiety. To top it all off, I think I broke my tablet today, dropped it on the floor and can't get it to turn on....AAARRRGGGHHHH!!  John, maybe Wed I could get my bike and drop off the tablet at the store??

Off to bed before I do any more damage. elly

"There are good and bad times, but our mood changes more often than our fortune."  Thomas Carlyle

finally, spring!

What a beautiful day it was in guelph today. The sun was shining all day and, while there was a bit of a cool breeze, it wasn't enough to keep the kids jackets on them. Grandma was cold, but not the kids! Once I got working (read yard stuff) I wasn't cold any more either.

Yesterday I went to market with Sam and Kelly. Not only is it such a pleasure to visit, but it's so nice to get the fresh fruits and veggies. I saw on Pinterest that if you clean them with a little vinegar in the water, they keep quite a bit longer. I've tried it with my strawberries.

We did a little shopping at our favourite V V boutique and I got a pair of pants. It's frustrating that a size 14 isn't the same everywhere. Someone gave me a bag of size 14 pants and they don't fit, but every pair of them fit there...all different brands too.

Then Kelly helped me do some more sorting and purging in the basement and I think I have the last of Bernie's things set aside for him. This was followed by a rousing murder mystery bridal shower for the lovely Dr Kyle. I had a dozen or so crackers with hummus, but otherwise just veggies. I felt good about it but was pretty tired when I got home.

I started out this morning with a family swim with Tim and his boys and Jason's girls. The girls came back to grandma's after and we made ice cream after lunch. Kelly and I did an initial run yesterday which was a complete disaster, but that inspired me to read the directions, which are specific and clear. Today's version was such a huge success that I went out to buy a Yonana for the girls too. We also stocked them with some frozen fruit for it. I heard about it during our monthly clinic meeting last week and decided to give it a try; I was pretty sceptical about ice cream made with just fruit, but recommend it highly. We had raspberry and peanut butter, and there are also recipes for sorbets, which don't use bananas, and others which have things other than just fruit. A great addition to my choices, especially with summer coming....I hope!

I had an angel deliver a pot with heather, pansies, pussywillows and dogwood to the house while I was out with the girls. Tonight the angel came by for a visit and blessed my day more than it already was! Thank you, dear friend.

A satisfying, well played day! elly

"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'" Robin Williams

past my bedtime...

I'll fill you in on the news, scoop, gossip and scandal of the last 24 hours tomorrow.

Love y'all, elly

fasting

Two days of fasting down and one more to go. The MRI is done and was a piece of cake...pun intended. Now I'm happily munching on some popcorn. I had some water and a piece of cheese right after, which I took with me.

It was a good meeting at the clinic this afternoon and I got a few new ideas, as well as a reminder to be gentle and remember how much longer the old patterns have had to establish. We also had some good discussion about the potential for the weekly meetings continuing longer after the return to eating real food. I know that they have changed several aspects of the program as they have moved from group to group and there was a consensus that it would be very helpful.

I sent initial info to the lawyer today, went to the bank and arranged a mortgage and made an appointment to get my snow tires taken off. All in all a good, productive day, in spite of my hunger. I hope to go to market in the morning and then get a few things done around the house before going to a murder mystery event.

Popcorn's done, time for bed. elly

And I like this idea...
"The philosophy of fasting calls upon us to know ourselves, to master ourselves, and to discipline ourselves the better to free ourselves. To fast is to identify our dependencies and free ourselves from them." Tariq Ramadan

munchies

I think I may be suffering from some anxiety about further bouts with no food or drink. Having spent most of the day Monday with nothing, Friday I need to fast for 6 hours before the MRI, and the day of surgery I will be fasting after midnight, with surgery not until at least 2 pm or later.

I am also still feeling quite tired and I don't know if it's reasonable to be blaming the degree of pain for that or not. I suppose it's also possible that the other stresses running concurrently may be contributing to that as well. Today I had initial contact with a lawyer, set an appointment at the bank and started making some arrangements for when I'm off work.

Regardless of the reason, I had the munchies really bad tonight. Fortunately tomorrow is also my monthly clinic meeting so I know I'll be getting some support. In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

Rest well my friends, elly

Pete, the MRI is to determine if there are stones in the common bile duct that need to be removed. If not, it's much easier to remove the gall bladder by laparoscopy. I'm pretty sure there was one there on Monday, but not now.

Gall bladder bye bye

My MRI is booked for Friday evening. I won't be able to eat or drink after lunch, so that will be a challenge, but I'm up for it. My meeting with the surgeon is Monday afternoon and my surgery is booked for 2 weeks after that. A huge thank you to Mary for her help with arrangements!

It was good to be back at work today and even my eating is more routine and organized when I have to get it ready ahead of time. I've been noticing that since I made the decision to resign my position at the office, I'm already letting go of it. I'm asking my coworker what she wants done, instead of directing her, and it confirms again how ready I am to be done with all that bullshit.

I took some flowers in for the woman at the Y who was helping me on Monday and doing her utmost to help me maintain some dignity and privacy. I know that it's all part of her job, but she repeatedly spoke up for me when well wishers and do gooders were invading my naked space, and I just wanted them to go away. It was probably the most vulnerable position I have been in for years and I know that we all appreciate recognition of a job well done. I also want to pick up a gift card for the lifeguards.

I'm grateful for all of my blessings, elly

relief

I didn't sleep much last night as the pain meds have caffeine! WTF? Regardless, I got up this morning with no pain, but I have been just exhausted all day. I think the level of pain probably had more to do with that than the lack of sleep, though. I expect I will still sleep tonight, even though I napped most of the day. The hungover feeling from meds is mostly gone too. MRI is booked for Friday evening.

I snacked most of the day, mostly because I was too tired to cook. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 180 lbs, for a gain of 1 lb.

That's it for today, I'm off to bed, elly

"Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain." Charlie Chaplin

old...this is last night's post..., so it's old!

I've been listening to Pete talk about getting older and I think to myself, maybe for doing ironman training, but not for other stuff.  However, I have noticed lately that when I've had a busy, productive day, and I seem to be having lots of those, that I am just pooched when I get to bed.  Last night I blogged after I went to bed, which is what I usually do, and I woke up at 1:30, not finished.  I couldn't any longer find the other thoughts that I wanted to share, so I signed off and posted.  If you found it a little strange, I did too!  Maybe I'm getting a little older, and I'm even older than Pete!

I had a fabulous food day yesterday, thanks to my lovely, supportive family, but not nearly enough time for playing.  I had a good day again today, and had some brie cheese as well as a hot cross bun with butter.  The weather was wonderful for an old broad like me and I did some yard work and got out for a walk with the dogs...the kids wouldn't come to the pool with me today, said they were busy!!  I also had a fantastic visit at Mary's with Mike, Andy, Lisa, Denise, Paula Mia and Mary and after dinner we puzzled and had a hot tub...ahhhhh

I decided to blog before bed so as not to give you the impression that I'm too old to stay awake till 9 PM, cause most nights I can still manage that.  Tomorrow I'm hoping to spend more time outside again and maybe get into the back yard.  First the pool!

That's it for today, with much, much gratitude, elly

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."  George Bernard Shaw

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of the child into old age, which mean never losing your enthusiasm."  Aldous Huxley

stones

I like stones and they are often quite beautiful. For walking on in bare feet, I prefer smooth round ones. For skipping on water, flat, smooth ones. For the back yard garden, I prefer big ones. For the pathway down the hill, I prefer flat ones, big enough for stepping on. For inside my body, there is no size or shape that I like!

When I went to bed last night, I had some abdominal pain, but when I got up and walked around, it eased and I went back to bed, no problem. Then Phyllis started puking and continued for most of the night, so I didn't get much sleep, but had no more pain. I had breakfast and went to the pool this morning, and as I was finishing up my routine, it returned. I got out of the pool, into the changeroom, and tried the hot tub to see if it would ease it. No luck...so by this time, I'm naked, in severe pain and people are trying to help. Eventually I was rating my pain level as a 10.5/10 and agreed to have them call EMS. By the time we got to hospital, it was a very tolerable 2/10. After ECG, XRAY and ultrasound, I was sent home, with the newfound knowledge of my many internal stoney friends, and the concern that my common bile duct might still be blocked. The pain gets worse when I eat, but it's manageable. I'm hoping to delay surgery long enough to have the inflammation gone or less. Time will tell.

I am tired, Cory has the dogs and I'm hoping to sleep and feel better in the morning. I am incredibly grateful for all of the people in my life who care that I'm not dead! elly

"There are two kinds of stones, as everyone knows, one of which rolls." Amelia Earhart

chaos

Market day today and then I went to ride escalators with Daniel and Sam while Kelly shopped for new mattresses for the boys. It was an adventure!

I had a fairly quiet afternoon till all the chaos arrived for our family Easter dinner. When it arrived I played and played hard! The time just went too quickly and before I knew it, the chaos started leaving.

Now I'm tired, a good tired, elly

it's good to be tired

and by that I mean, when you have gotten lots done, enjoyed it and felt tired after you were done, that's a good feeling.  Yesterday was like that and so was today.  I told Kelly when she left with the boys after supper that I was going to need to blog early or I would be in the same position as last night!

I took the morning off work yesterday to guest at the clinic again.  When I talked to Jen the night before I realised how sick she was feeling, so I stopped by after the gym, took the boys out to the park until it was time t go to the General and had a blast!  There is no better way to start the day than  playing with kids you love!!

My guest spot was very well received again, and they had to tell people to stop asking questions after a half hour, just like last time.  I took along a pair of my big pants too.  I really have no idea if I'm helping any of them long term, but I'm not hurting and there is seemingly genuine applause when I leave.  I was even asked to do a twirl for them!

I also went to Winners yesterday and spent my gift card from the Oxford St Crowes.  I got my first pair of jeans in years, a pair of leggings, and a summer dress to wear with them.  When I got home I tried the leggings and dress on together, with a black sweater, looked in the mirror and thought, "Wow, I'm almost kinda cute!"  I'm gonna wear it tomorrow for our Easter dinner so maybe someone will take a pic for me to post.  Thanks for the Christmas gift guys!!

I had a relaxing morning today, went to the gym at 9 when they opened and then met Kelly and the boys here to move some furniture.  I made the old music room into the spare bedroom and put my new dining table in the first bedroom.  Once I get the finances sorted at the bank and everything settled with the lawyer, I may just take out the wall between the kitchen and dining room and open it right up.  I moved a few things that Bernie still needs to pick up into the shed so it's all ready for him.  I hope eventually to move the work bench up to the shed and get that room in the basement sorted and purged, but that's a project for another tired, satisfied day.

I am truly feeling blessed and much happier than I deserve.  In gratitude, elly

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it." Bob Hope

too late!

Really, just too tired. I had a good day though and will fill you in tomorrow.
Love, elly

headache

I dealt with a few headaches today. The most difficult and painful one was talking to Bernie and coming to an agreement about dividing our property, but I think we did it. Now I still need to make arrangements at the bank and the lawyer, but I'm hoping the rest will be relatively pain free.

I dealt with a few headaches at work too, but every day I know I'm closer to not needing to worry about that any more, so it seems more tolerable. Just until the end of June...

I have had a migraine all day as well but I intend to sleep it away!

Tomorrow I go back to clinic to speak again and am looking forward to it. I continue to learn more from the book I'm reading, even though some of it is a bit redundant, as I have already made a lot of the changes he suggests. I know it is going to help me maintain, which is so critical.

That's it for now, I love you all, elly

"Holding on to resentment, anger and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life." Joan Lundon

wonders

It is truly a wonderful thing to visit with 2 former students, who I introduced to each other, as they do the final prep for their stag and doe and their wedding. They have to jump through hoops we can't even imagine to be able to live together as man and wife. Red tape to have her support worker time moved to the place they will share, without losing his support time. Insane! Love does conquer all though and I think they finally got the last finances in place to allow them to live together. They are both intelligent, kind and loving people who happen to be confined to wheelchairs, and an inspiration to many, including me!

I got more errands done today, met with the second agent and sent the info to B. We will talk tomorrow and hopefully decide whether to sell the house or not. Either way, it's ok.

I weighed in today at the Y at 179 lbs, for a total loss of 115 lbs and my goal reached. From this point on, my goal will not focus on numbers, although I will continue to track them. My goal will be to be as healthy as possible and still be happy with my lifestyle. I will maintain my current strategies and if I lose more, I do and if not, that's fine. I really hope the weather gets better soon so I can ride!!  John...

Thanks for being friends, elly

"Wisdom begins in wonder." Socrates

git er done!

Lots to be done...unpacked, bought a pair of pants as the only ones I have that fit are fleece lined, got a few groceries, booked a real estate appt to review the appraisal on the house, went to yoga, cooked a few meals, did dishes, talked with Tim for an hour and am ready for bed with a list just as long still undone. That's ok, and what tomorrow's for.

I tried to weigh in this morning at the Y, but either the gods are trying to help me avoid payback for the weekend, or it was shit luck, but there was enough power to start the scale, but not enough to weigh me. I tried again before I left but the battery was just too low. I will try again tomorrow or postpone till next week. Either way, I'm good with it and doing fine!

Well to rest, elly

"Well done is better than well said." Benjamin Franklin

home again, home again, jiggity jig!

I guess that's probably a good indicator about missing my grand babies, eh? We had a wonderful weekend, as usual, but with more snow that we have ever been there for. There was a 5 foot bank just off the porch that went out to the beach, although I think it was down by close to a foot by the time we left. It was beautiful for walking, just not on the beach as we usually can. We think there was open water before we left today too, but if so it is late enough this year that they have an ice breaker booked for Monday.

I planned some extra snacks for the weekend and was pretty satisfied with how I did. I did have a lot more difficulty with Betty's dessert this time as it was one of the most delicious things I have ever tasted. I had a taste...one taste! I had quite a few extra nuts and some of Mary's pineapple loaf, that had no sugar or oil, but did have chocolate chips. I had no other bread and lots of veggies and fruit, yogurt, club soda and fennel tea. Even if I have gained this week, I feel good about it. I have no worries about continuing on my path.

I have started reading a book, which I think is going to be a huge help to me. I intended to pick it up at Costco, but realized it was cheaper, and easier, to get it on my tablet. It's called "The Diet Fix", and I think the author's name is Freedhoff, but will check. I believe he's one of the Drs who started one of the medical bariatric clinics near Ottawa. He explains things in such a way that it's easy to understand and is a really good reinforcement for the program so far. I will let you know if I continue to feel this positive about it as I go along. I am usually disappointed in self-help books but so far this is great!

I'm tired so that's it for tonight.

Oh Jesus dear before I sleep...elly

"To market, to market, to buy a fat pig. Home again, home again, jiggity jig." Mother Goose

not bad

It was a very tough day, with a huge confrontation with a principal, and a long meeting tonight preparing for our AGM.  Overall, I did "not bad".  I'll take that for now and am more and more sure that it is the right decision for me to get out of this role.

I still need to pack for my much anticipated sister's weekend, so that's it for the weekend.  I will report in on Sun evening, providing I survive, which I intend to do!

Much love, elly

nice guest spot

First off, thanks for the kind words, it really is such a boost to be this supported and loved!

Today I went as a guest speaker to an orientation session for new people starting the program. I was a bit nervous, but remembered how much we would have appreciated hearing from someone who had done the program when I started. I got lots of good questions and was able to tell them that it is hard, but we each choose our hard. Lots of the reminders that I needed myself, so it was truly a case of helping others helping me.

I also officially requested a move back to a school full time for Sept, making the end in sight to finish with the union politics on a daily basis. I hope to keep involved with negotiations, but will be grateful to be out of the office on a day to day basis. It was making me bitter and I just don't want to do it any more, the cost was too high. I know that I did it well and prefer to leave before I'm too jaded to keep doing so. I'm still working on a replacement for my sidekick.

I had a note from B today which really upset me, but I'm not gonna deal with it until I have more information.

I also went for a massage which is the one thing that, at least temporarily, loosens my muscles, allowing my joints to be better aligned. Ahhh....

I gratitude, elly

the honeymoon is over!

Maybe this is hard because I told myself it would be. Maybe this time frame is always hard. The excitement of how good I feel is slowly being eclipsed by the day to day slog of choosing good food, having it ready and sticking with it. Maybe it's hard because I don't have anyone else to cook for to share something new with. Maybe it's hard because when it's been a long hard day at work no one has supper ready for me. Maybe it's hard because things that are worthwhile are just hard sometimes.

No matter how hard it is, I remain determined to keep learning and growing, open to new ideas and ways of doing. Words of wisdom or encouragement are appreciated and welcomed.

Love, elly

"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failures." Colin Powell

a little better

I have decided to start tracking my food again. I know that they have told us to start to trust our instincts, but my instincts tell me to track again for a while, so I'm trusting that. I figure that it took me almost 60 years to learn my old habits, I can take as long as I want to change them.

My shoulder is much better than yesterday, but I stretched again tonight anyway. I didn't get much sleep last night because of it and had a migraine today too. My hot flashes are back with a vengeance. Enjoying the sound of the rain on the roof and reading in bed.

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 181 lbs, for a total loss of 113 lbs and one more to my next goal. Considering how much I struggled last week, I'm pretty surprised I didn't gain. I'm ok with it!

Love, elly

ouch!

It was a rough day! It was also a beautiful day filled with kids, walks, sunshine and swimming.

I'm choosing to focus on the positive things and assume that the eating and pain will sort itself out. I'm getting my steel cut oats ready for the week and stretching on my physio ball.

Much love, elly

"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." Robert Schuller

drugs

Day 2 of the lower dosage and I'm still tired, as she said I would at first. I still feel ok otherwise, although I am having some shocking feelings more common with withdrawal. For now I will stay the course.
Love, elly

sleepy

I have wakened up  3 times already from when I gave in and went to bed...short n sweet tonight.
Love elly

big news! little news??

Really, it's big news about a little thing...a little one actually! I am going to be a grandma again and sometime in Oct there will be another little Crowe joining the crew on Oxford St. It is so exciting that I can't talk about anything else, really there's nothing else worth talking about for today.

Congrats, Tim and Jen! Love, Grandma

"A baby is God's opinion that life should go on." Carl Sandburg

an ending

Today was the last day of a process that started at clinic 6 months ago and has taken me from hopeless to pretty darn sure, most of the time. Not bad eh? It was hard to admit that it is over and we all had a hard time leaving afterwards. I really appreciate how much information and support is available there, and that I was fortunate enough to be able to be there.

I had a visit with B this morning, we both cried a little and decided on a plan to move forward.  I like it and hope we can manage it. As with all things, time will tell.

I had a good visit with my Dr who has agreed to decrease my antidepressant again, so that I will be on the lowest dose possible.  I will see her again before I try the total withdraw, as it can be pretty difficult with this drug.  My hope is to be ready by the start of summer, so that I have some time that I'm not working, in case it's too difficult to work.  I'm not sure how long this period of electric impulses lasts, but it doesn't sound pretty.

All in all, a pretty wonderful day for an ending, and I'm pretty sure that's because it's the beginning of the life I got back.

Love, elly

"A complete life may be one ending in so full an identification with the oneself that there is no self left to die." Bernard Berenson

phew

Back to (somewhat) normal!  I feel good, ate well, went to yoga when I got home after work.  I'm excited about the melting that's happening outside, but sad that tomorrow is the last day of our group clinic.  I will write a short testimonial, but will really miss the weekly connection, whether it be good, bad or indifferent from week to week.  These people who struggle for their own reasons and their own ways, share a common ache for self acceptance and they have all inspired me in one way or another.  I know that we could stay in touch, but I suspect that we won't and there are a few that I feel really connected to that I will miss.

I have a Dr appointment tomorrow and they made me take the morning off, rather than the hour I need, so Bernie and I will get together to talk over some things.  I suspect that I might be a bit sad about that too, but I'm sure I will be fine.

Pete, part of my reason for the appointment is to at least decrease, but I won't make a decision about quitting until later.  One day and one issue at a time.

I'm gonna book off the days that they have asked me to come in to be a guest speaker for the new groups starting out. I'm pretty pumped about that! I hope it goes well, but that's a few weeks down the road.

Love elly