Nose dive

I was triggered yesterday by a music video shown at the beginning of our staff meeting. I've been eating non stop again ever since, but I'm hoping by tomorrow I'll have my feet under me again.

Just keep swimming.
Love, elly

For Pete

Because he asked. I sometimes forget when I don't blog every day, what I've said and what I've forgotten.

I visited several used car lots, including one that had a van exactly like my old one. It was a piece of crap tho, as were some of the salesmen. One guy tried to give me a good deal; 3 years old, 100000 km, less than $10000. I pointed out the tar covering the corrosion on the inside of the doors, and the bubbling paint on both corners of the slider, and told him I wasn't interested in that kind of a deal. (I'm sure he thought this old broad's never bought a van before!)

I ended up at the garage I've already bought 3 used vehicles from. They also had a van like my old one that looked pretty good. He told me it would cost a lot a safety it and would need more work coming up shortly. Not something he wanted to put his name on to sell. I liked this dodge caravan, it has 163000 km, but was a rental, and 1 owner. I took it for a drive, checking brakes, stearing, acceleration, stability, ac, windows, heat, etc. (Love stow n go seats) It seemed good and was in my price range. My garage had done the service on it. It was raining quite a bit, so it was covered with water drops. When we got back, Steve, the owner, pointed out that there are a few paint bubbles right on the front edge of the hood. With the water covering everything, I would never have noticed!

Regardless, he tells me they (Dodge) know it's a defect, and they're fixing them. He said they won't do it for us, because we're a dealer, but as soon as it's in your name, register with them, they'll fix it, and then you'll also get any recall notices. I negotiated a deal with him to include summer tires and new plates (the old one had a hitch-sized hole in it!).

A few days later, I went to the Dodge dealer, registered the van, and was told when I asked about the hood, that there was a 160000 km limit on the repair. I spoke to the collision manager on Monday, to ask if they would make an exception. Steve had also called him. He took pictures and my info, and will try to submit it for repair. It may be a few weeks before I know what they decide. However, in the meantime, Steve assured me that if they don't fix it, he will cover it. It wasn't written in the contract but that's what he told me and that what he stands behind.

And that's why I take my vehicles there for service, and why I buy there. Good, reliable service is worth more than most guys "good deals"! I know I can trust them.

Love, elly

Tired

I'm not sure why, but I was so tired after work that I kept falling asleep, and eating because I was so agitated because I felt so tired. I finally just went to bed at 8, only to be awakened by 1030 by a nightmare about B. Who knows??

I had a busy, but good weekend.

After calling my garage and the Dodge dealership today, I went to Wellington Motors, where the head collision guy took pictures of the van, including the odometer, and told me he will attempt to get the parent company to approve the repair as a good will gesture, even though it's past the mileage allowed. My garage had already called him as well. My guy also told me that if they don't fix it, that he will get it done, as he told me it was covered. That's what I call good service, and why I like these guys.

My foot was very sore on the weekend, but on the opposite side that was hit. I think it's going to take a little longer for everything to return to its proper place. It continues to improve again today.

Since the beginning of September, my weight has hovered around the 240 lb Mark. While that's not at all where I want to be, I'm celebrating the fact that I've halted the 10 lb per month increase. The evenings are still tough, but one step at a time. If maintain is the best I can do while I sort the other stuff, so be it.

I've applied for an unpaid leave to go to Florida in November for a week. I really hope it gets approved.

Love, elly

Progress

I had a good session with Talaria today, and went to work after with no problems. She agrees that I'm making progress, and we'll continue to go slow. We talked about what I imagined mom was going through when she was pregnant with me and in my early childhood. I honestly believe she was still in shock from everything she experienced during the war, and she commented that she probably had a PTSD as well. Now as long as I don't wake up in a panic during the night, then I'll know I'm making progress.

I finally got the cheque from the insurance company today. However, I went in to the Dodge dealer to transfer the ownership and discovered that the recall on the hood has expired. I'm going to call the garage to see if they have any clout to get it done anyway. Wish me luck.

I continue to eat better.

Daniel and Sam are here for a sleepover and that makes everything better!
Love, elly

New wheels

In spite of the insurance company, I bought a van today. The cheque was supposed to be at my broker's office Monday. It's still not there, and apparently they take no responsibility, nor can they track it, after it goes to the courier. Mind boggling! I finally just said fuck it and went to the bank. It was better for my health to stop talking to them. I got a charcoal grey 2012 Dodge Grand Caravan.

I'm doing quite well with eating during the day, but often still binge in the evening. One step at a time. My anxiety levels are generally down, in spite of the latest challenges. Work is good and the staff changes are wonderful.

The pool is closed for maintenance this week, so I'm missing that, but my foot is improving enough that I've been walking a little. The x-rays showed no new fracture, but an old one that was aggravated.

I see Talaria again on Friday morning, and am looking forward to it.

Be well, friends!
Love, elly

It's Friday!

I'm tired, but it was a good first week of work, and I went for a massage after, which always makes me feel better. My body is less sore but still bruised.

I got another call from the insurance company and they confirmed that the van is a total loss. They offered me more than I expected and less than it's worth to me. They also told me to get shopping because I only get one week more for the rental. They originally said 3 days! Anyway, I guess I'll be spending the weekend van shopping.

I'm still feeling pretty good most of the time, but during the night is often the hardest. My eating has been quite good 50 % of the time and not good the other 50 %. However, I've stopped stuffing myself to the point of pain, which is an improvement. Keep on swimming!

Love, elly

I like drugs!

I feel 70 % better emotionally than I have in the past 6 months, at least partially due to drugs. I feel better physically than I have for the last 2 days, at least partially due to drugs. I've added a herbal "rescue remedy" to my traditional drugs, and am using clary sage in my infusor when I go to bed. Any side effects from any of them seem minor in comparison!

I appreciate a new book from Pete called "when the body says no". Thanks!
I appreciate a lovely visit with Jessie Roo. Thanks for making the drive!
I appreciate the gorgeous rental vehicle I have, a Chrysler town and country...posh!
I appreciate that Mary's back in town!
I appreciate Cory's words of wisdom and the "talking to" I got. I needed that!
My kids (and spouses) and grandkids are my biggest blessings. I have no words...thanks for loving me!

Love, elly

Sore!

That's what happens when you rearend someone in a big truck with a big trailer hitch. The van is much worse off than I am though, and is probably a write-off. Kelly and Danny and the boys are fine too, but shaken up and bruised from seatbelts.

Other than that catastrophe, I continue to feel better.

Ice packs and bed for me.
Love, elly

Sleep, glorious sleep!

I think it's still the drug increase, which might lessen over time, but I've had several nights of pretty good sleep, in spite of the 3 hour nap. It was the second day in a row that I've had only a very little, low key anxiety. Again, I'll take it while it lasts. I'm pretty sure I need to consistently be in this calm place before we can start reprogramming.

Thanks to Cory for sharing her pool with me and kids this week. Huge thanks to Larry for the kind comments, which made my day, and he claims are true. Thanks to Jessie for reaching out. Big thanks to Danny for sharing chores and food.

Much love, elly

Tired

Drug tired...I had a 3 hour nap this afternoon! On the other hand, I feel pretty good. It might not last long but I'll take it while I can get it.

I had another session with Talaria yesterday which was difficult and painful and exhausting, but good. I think I'm starting to understand where I need to get to before we can get to the reprogramming part. I also haven't felt the need to totally stuff myself with food today either, which is a good thing because even my stretchy clothes don't fit any more. One of the things I'm determined to work on over the next 2 weeks is not feeling guilty or ashamed about that. Trust me, that's a huge assignment!

I guess that's all. I'm going to be patient with myself, as this too shall pass. Thanks for your continual love, support, and positive energy.
Love, elly

I hate drugs

However, I'm accepting the fact that it's better to try it than what I'm doing. I saw the Dr again today and, while I appreciate that he doesn't push the drugs, I believe he knows that they can help in the short term. He's increased my medication again and has added another to be used when things get tough. He wants me to try it out before I go back to work next week.

I'm having a massage later this afternoon and see Talaria again tomorrow. That's all I have the energy to tell you today.
Love, elly