lights!

No camera, no action, but it sure is great to have lights on in the bathroom again. John also fixed a few other electrical problems and I'm very grateful!

It's good to be home from Sarnia, and it was fantastic being there, surrounded by beauty and love. Good food, good fun, good beach, wonderful people to love.

Love, elly

aahhhh

Paula and I arrived in Sarnia just after 8, it's 10:15 now and I'm already less tired than I've been for weeks. We had a delicious burger with some snap peas and an extra delicious butter tart when we got here. Lucy decided to roll in something quite foul just as I was getting ready for bed, so we had an impromptu bath in the kitchen sink, eww!

I'm hoping for a good sleep tonight and a big day of fun tomorrow!

Love, elly

this is becoming a habit

I lay down right after supper tonight, when I was eating fruit snacks by the handful and, stopped to think why and realized how exhausted I am...again! Or is that still?

I had my last opportunity to address the secondary educational assistants today and I got rather emotional. I felt compelled to let them know that when they leave work early or call in sick when they're not or sit outside in the sun while they're getting paid, is fraud. If they want to do this I don't give a shit, but when I point it out, I'm merely trying to prevent them getting in trouble, and in our small board, if I'm hearing about it, sooner or later the board will too. I asked them to stop blaming people for snitching, especially when it's never our own members who point out these things. Some of them were not impressed and I don't give a shit!

I came home this afternoon and sent our separation agreement back to the lawyer to be finalized.

I again fell asleep trying to post!

I really hope that some time away from toxic people will relieve some stress and help with the extreme tired. I suspect that getting some more things done to complete my living arrangements may help as well. I have kicked up the exercise and hope that will start to show benefits soon too.

I'm heading to Sarnia  for the weekend for our annual family get-together, so if I don't show up here it's because I'm revelling in the love!

Thanks for listening, elly

"Times of transition are strenuous, but I love them. They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits. We can make our new normal any way we want." Kristin Armstrong

and I just like this!

"Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family." Madonna Ciccone

whatever

Technically it's Thursday but whatever...

I fell asleep trying to write this on Wednesday but whatever...

I'm probably insane as I keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome but whatever...I HATE how I feel the morning after eating desserts but I never seem to remember that. I hope writing it here will help to remind me!

I'm not perfect but whatever, it's overrated.

Love, elly

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. Steve Jobs

idiot

Ok, am I the only idiot who doesn't know what C25K means? Does it mean "see"25 kilometers? Not in a million years is that gonna happen. Does it mean "100"25 kilometers? Unless we're driving, not very likely, although maybe eventually I could bike that. Is it a tax thing I should be lookin into? Maybe a new motorcycle? I have no idea, so obviously I need more support in this dilemma! Somebody help me...

I have decided to increase my physical commitment, even if it's a little, and even though with the chaos here now, I'm not sure what that looks like. At the very least, as soon as it's not raining, my bike is coming out, and until then, increasing my time and energy in the pool. I did that this morning. Tomorrow I have a pool party after work, so will get some more time in there too.

I still don't have much energy but am trying to sleep when I can, which at least is better than eating!!

Love, elly

"Once you're able to look like an idiot and be OK with it, it opens up your potential." Nicole Sullivan

"The truth is that I'm an idiot. I am. I don't do things by the rules sometimes. I say things that I probably shouldn't say. I push buttons. I deserve to be made fun of. And I feel like, as soon as you can make fun of something, it instantly removes the fear." Ashton Kutcher

Super tired

I'm not going to try to analyze it further, other than I wish I was sleeping better. For tonight I'm just going to bed early and sleep when I can.

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 182 lbs, for a total loss of 112 lbs. I would like to get back to my pre-surgery weight, so I have that cushion. I don't want to always be at the upper end of my "living" range. Any and all "challenge" support would be welcomed.

I'm finally looking forward to being off work, even though it means no money. I want to really spend some energy getting this place in shape!

That's all for now, night night, elly

"We are at our very best, and we are happiest, when we are fully engaged in work we enjoy on the journey toward the goal we've established for ourselves. It gives meaning to our time off and comfort to our sleep. It makes everything else in life so wonderful, so worthwhile." Earl Nightingale

productive

So many things got done today, thanks to Mary, Paula, Pete and Jon! I am so grateful for the ongoing assistance from people who love me. They even seem to enjoy it. I continue to struggle with asking for help, but I'm continuing to ask anyway. I feel badly that I need help, but that feeling is old too, so I try to ignore it as much as possible and just be grateful instead!

The whole frame for the patio roof is up and it's beautiful! It was wonderful working inside and listening to the banter going on between them outside. Paula and Mary put both of the wardrobes together and I've got my clothes inside. I need to pick up some lumber for shelves for the other one for sheets, towels, etc. I also got more stuff sorted and threw out old journals that I no longer need, and gave away more stuff that others need; perfect!

I had a short visit from Tim, Jen and the boys and a great supper with Kelly, Danny and the boys. I'm tired, but good!

Love, elly

"You create your opportunities by asking for them." Shakti Gawain

shopping

...is exhausting! Partly because of all the decisions it entails, partly because of the stress about all the money I'm spending, and partly from just wandering around huge places with no windows, no fresh air and about a million other people. However, I did pick up 2 wardrobes for the laundry room, a cabinet and sink for the bathroom, a medicine cabinet and a screen for beside the bed. I also picked up information about some kitchen cabinets, which I still need. Thanks to Tim and Jen for all the help and the boys for putting up with us!

I also really enjoyed a lovely supper at Mary's this evening with some equally lovely ladies. I know I'm too tired to start, but part of me wants to empty the laundry room and get started...I think I'll see what tomorrow brings.

Love, elly

"I find shopping too stressful. I get hot and flustered and irritated and feel sick after I've bought something." Alison Goldfrapp

return of the wayward blogger

I've been tired, and probably a little depressed.  Not too badly, just wanting to stay in bed and read, which makes me more tired if I don't get to the pool.  I did get there for 10 minutes yesterday, and did walk this morning, but just not my usual.  I feel much more balanced again today after the meeting at the clinic.  Everyone there commented that they wish there was a more gradual taper to the meetings, but it is what it is, and I will attend every opportunity I get.

My visit with Bernie went very well and he is moving on with some new adventures.  We had a great visit and I will send our agreement back to the lawyer to finalize.  I'm happy for him and still sad that we couldn't make a go of it.

I think the other thing affecting me is living in some chaos at the house.  I am slowly moving and transforming, deciding what I need and where I need it, what I need to get rid of and where to.  I want it done now, though!  I do love being downstairs and once everything is in place, it will be wonderful. It just seems like a long process.  I'm having trouble finding storage cabinets and hope to try IKEA as they seem like my best shot.  I found it hard to believe Home Depot or Rona didn't have anything, but they really don't

Thank you to those who noticed I was MIA and reached out to me.  I really appreciate the support and I commit to being more diligent about the getting to the Y and reaching out for support.  It remains my biggest challenge.

Love, elly

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." Nelson Mandela

rest

Well, I had planned to move a lot of stuff tonight.  I've had a fair bit of pain in my shoulder/back, mostly from tension.  It's also quite exhausting making plans  I'm tired, it's been a fairly busy, productive day, and I'm gonna change my plans.  They're mine, so I can.  I might piddle around a bit, but mostly lay low and go to bed early.  I'm meeting with Bernie tomorrow and I would rather not be tired and overly emotional for that.

Love, elly

busy

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 182.5 lbs, but I have forgotten what I was last week. Anyway, all is good!

I bought a fridge today, as well as a gas cooktop, which will need to be installed once I get some counter top in. Tomorrow I'm going to try and empty the kitchen room so I can get the carpet out. I will need to get the laminate out of the closet, so I can get in there with a jackhammer to put in a floor drain. I'm not sure what order to do stuff, but it all still feels ok.

Bernie and I are meeting Wed to review the lawyers papers, so I hope that goes well.

I went to Cory's for aquafit tonight...awesome!

That's it...Other bits will need to wait for another day!

Love, elly

pitch, purge and plan

I sorted through so many old cards, letters, keepsakes and journals and threw most of them out...some cards I couldn't even figure out where I knew the person from! It was past my bedtime when I finally had such a cramp in my shoulder that I had to stop. Tomorrow I start emptying the closet that will soon have a shower in it!! I also bought a new toilet and sink.

Too tired for more, and it's a good thing.

Love, elly

Love is in the air...

I attended a wedding today that defies all odds. Two people, seriously disabled, one with muscular dystrophy who can only move his head a little and was never expected to live this long, and one with cerebral palsy who cannot speak and has very little muscle control. Yet they both can love so obviously, smile so broadly, (ok there was giggling too!), appreciate so wholly, and risk so completely. I cannot remember a time that I was prouder to be a human being, knowing that all is right in the world, at least for this moment. The fact that I introduced them made it that much more special, but they are pretty freakin' special all by themselves. This post is dedicated to Natasha and Chris.

Much love, elly

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Aristot

lovin' my new digs!

But I want everything ready now! Paula came over to help me do some more planning and I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. I'm tired now and had a hard day. I missed lunch and ate a sleeve of crackers with it when I finally got to it. It threw me off for the rest of the day, in spite of the fact I did fine for the remainder...oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Love, elly

adjusting

The dogs are having a harder time getting used to sleeping in the basement than I am. Other than their occasional random barking at inanimate objects, I slept fairly well. The bathroom definitely needs some work though!

Nothing earth shattering today, but I got to take the girls to their swim lessons so it was nice to have a little visit with them. It's always the highlight of my day when I get to see any of the kids! Lucky, lucky me!

Love, elly
...and I really like this quote!

"There are things I can't force. I must adjust. There are times when the greatest change needed is a change of my viewpoint." Denis Diderot

insomnia!

Last night, of course. I'm paying for it today.

Tim and I wrestled my bed downstairs to the basement and he put it back together while I bathed the boys. I definitely got the better end of that deal! So the dogs and I are now snuggled in for a long sleep, I hope! Thanks so much!!

Love, elly

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." W C Fields

the brain is a wonderful thing!

I have no more money than I did 2 weeks ago. I have no less debt than I did 2 weeks ago. I'm still almost 60 with no retirement plan, just like 2 weeks ago. I still have just as much yard work to do as 2 weeks ago, and just as many things in the house that need attention and/or repair. I have just as many bills due, and just as few prospects for work in the summer.

As a matter of fact, I have more things that need attention, because what I do have that I didn't have 2 weeks ago is a plan. Now that my brain has accepted that things will change, it no longer matters if the plan is a total bust or works perfectly. I feel perfectly relaxed and react to tackle the project. I hope to be ready to rent to a tenant by September. I need to flush out the basement plan further, as it will take some modifications to make it feel comfy. There's lots of room, but I think the laundry room, bathroom and kitchen areas will need more planning.

Thank god my brain still works a little! Thank god my brain works best when I eat better!!

Love, elly

"The human brain has 100 billion neurons, each neuron connected to 10 thousand other neurons. Sitting on your shoulders is the most complicated object in the known universe."
Michio Kaku

a good amount of fat

It's been 4 weeks today since my surgery and I had a follow-up appointment with Dr Reed. He says everything is healed nicely and that I had numerous very small stones, between 1 and 2 mm, which probably developed during my weight loss. He said now that I've lost all my weight, I will never need to worry about it again. When I said I still had lots, he felt my belly again and said, you need some body fat, you look really healthy, and this is a good amount of fat to keep in reserve. I didn't bother to tell him that Yoni Freedhoff also says that your ideal weight is the weight you are when you are eating as healthy as possible, while still enjoying your  life!

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 184 lbs, same as last week. I guess this range might be it for me...

Love, elly

relaxing day

I walked early this morning and started planning...my move. My move to the basement will hopefully work out well in the long run, and make some things easier.

Adding laundry facilities upstairs shouldn't be too difficult and may make the rental upstairs more appealing. Figuring out how and what to install in the basement for tub/shower may be more challenging. A walk in tub is likely the most expensive option, but may also be the most useful. It may also be the easiest to fit, as space for that will be an issue. I think the rest of the changes that will need to happen in the basement will be fairly simple; I think I'll try an induction element for most of my cooking, with the bbq, microwave and toaster oven for additional cooking needs. I will need to build/buy a few storage cabinets for linens, dishes and food, but that should be pretty easy too.

Tim has agreed to help me move my bed downstairs this week, so I can do a bit of a trial run before I rent out the upstairs. I'm excited!

I did gardening today too and did not feel totally wasted after; a first since surgery. I dug up a lot of dirt, but it was just the best feeling to be able to. I cleaned windows and screens and did laundry. I also watched some movies and nibbled quite a bit, nothing too bad, but I might have some fluid retention because of all the popcorn!

A most satisfying day, with the only down spot telling my old friend from the Y that our mutual friend has very little time to live. She had breast cancer that is now in her lungs and liver. She is a lovely woman and my hope is that it will be what she wants and needs and that I can help in some small way to achieve that for her.

Peace, elly

"We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don't allow our bodies to heal, and we don't allow our minds and hearts to heal." Thich Nhat Hanh

"Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time." Lyndon B Johnson

soooooo

.....Tired!!!!!

cranky

I hate driving to Toronto. I hate sitting all day long in a boring training session. I hate driving home from Toronto, with a headache from sitting inside most of the day. I hate dealing with lawyers and banks.

I love Kelly and the boys stopping by on their way home from the sitters. I love my home and yard and can already imagine the roof, even though the yard is a disaster. I love that I'm thinking about putting a washer and dryer upstairs, so I can rent with laundry. I love that I'm thinking of moving my bed downstairs while I decide for sure if I can live down there. I love that Tim's boys are coming to play tomorrow after work. Ok, I love my real living, even though I hate some of the things I need to do to get there.

Notice is sent to the lawyer. Bank appointment set for Saturday to correct the mess they made with the mortgage. I will no longer have a headache when I wake in the morning, and I hope the electrical problem at the Y is resolved, so I can go to the pool.

Tired now, beddy bye, elly


This has nothing to do with today's post but it's true and I like it! "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." Gilda Radnor

busy

I took Kelly's boys with me to Costco after work, which was busy. After getting home about 8 I put food away and did some work, as I'm in Toronto all day tomorrow (yuck!) Here it is 10 pm and I'm still awake! Progress! I'm tired, but not as tired as Pete after the posts, I'm certain. Thank you, my friend!

Love elly

"The greatest pleasure in life is love." Euripidesl

gratitude

Slow, yes, but improvement, definitely! Today also included some wonders to share.

Started the day with a message that Daniel made it through the night with a dry pull up. He's been trying unsuccessfully and grandma said if he made it 7 days in a row, there's  a new bionical in it for him, which he could choose. 1 down and 6 to go. I made sure to tell him that I loved him if he stayed dry or not.

Pete was at my house most of the day, putting the posts in for my roof over the patio. Not only does it look awesome already, but I enjoyed thinking about him here, even though I couldn't be here. Nice to look out the back window when I got home, watch him work, and tell him I love him.

Paula came to visit and brought wonderful food with her for supper, and cooked it too! What a treat, as I often don't bother or am too tired when I get home. We sat out front on my new benches a bit after supper. Thanks, P!

We got rain, which we needed, sun and warm during the afternoon and then it cooled right off for sleeping! Nice.

A gift of a day, and people I love, awesome!
elly

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." Helen Keller

"We carry within us the wonders we seek without us." Thomas Browne

inching along

I weighed in today at 184 lbs, which is still up 7 from where I was, but down 3 from last week. I still feel quite tentative, but better, even if only a little, and that's reassuring. I need to accept that the internal healing still takes the time it needs and there's no rushing it. I'm a little less tired today too, marginally, but I'll take it. I was quite surprised on Saturday to find the physical exhaustion from an hour of yard work. My belly also hurt bad enough that I was forced to stop. Again, patience seems to be the order of the day. My aerobic work in the pool is feeling good, but the muscle work is difficult and tiring. Patience!

I've forgotten all the other profound thoughts I intended to share, which would have enlightened and entertained; sorry about your luck!
Love, elly


"It's a very slow process - two steps forward, one step back - but I'm inching in the right direction." Rob Reiner

...but not today

Today I don't care that I'm falling into bed at 8:30 exhausted. I know I did yesterday, so today I should have been rested, but not so.

I would choose to be this exhausted every day if they could be like today. We made yummy yellow yogurt, red yogurt, blue yogurt, orange yogurt and they both thought it was strange that grandma's was plain! We filled up bird feeders, played on the swings in the back yard, had baseball pictures taken, went to the park, scarfed down macaroni and strawberries for lunch, cut the brown hair off Phyllis's butt (ask Adrian about that!), looked at grandma's dresses, (Adrian's favourite was from his mom and dad's wedding), had a nap, washed the van, had supper at Swiss Chalet cause I was too tired to make supper, had a bath and borrowed pjs from grandma.

I learned a few things: Adrian does not want to get married; Aubrey's favourite word is "No!"; mosquitoes are nasty critters; I'm very fortunate! Also I managed to send home the chicken fingers and fries that were left over from the boys supper, rather than eat it myself, which was a huge feat for me. I had some fresh pineapple instead. I did have some of their fries at supper though.

I did not do dishes, make the bed, clean up toys, cook breakfast for tomorrow, nor do I care that none of that's done!

Thanks, elly

"If you've got grandkids, you know they're first when it comes to the joy in your life." Regina Brett