Judgement day

Self hate and judgement, that's what today was made of. I have made an appointment to see my Dr again, but not with a lot of hope that he will be able to move me from this place. I keep plodding along, not seeing any good alternatives. I think I'll go to bed early and get up in the morning with a better perspective.
Love, elly

Blood, it's in you to give.

It felt like a tough day, generally, but after work I went to the blood donor clinic with Em and Grace. They baked shortbread and made strawberry juice from scratch to serve the donors. Four dog guide trainers and volunteers brought their foster puppies as well. It was pretty awesome. Unfortunately, only one of their party was able to donate, but Jason, Anne, Bonnie and I, all came out to support them. Thank God people like them donate and save people's lives.

Love, elly

Change

Change is hard, even when it's good. I keep thinking that I have all this extra time and I should be doing something, but really I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm not trying to fit in a visit to grand river hospital almost every day.

Of course, I'm still recovering from the tired of those days, so I'm giving myself a few more days to do not too much of anything. Then I have gardening and grandkids to catch up on!

I'm also booking another DR's appointment to look again at medication. I'm still struggling to find motivation and energy.

I'm also trying a different approach to my weight, in that I'm not going to weigh in. Instead I will assess how I'm doing by how I feel and how my clothes fit.

Love, elly

Hello again,

It's me!

The past few months have been a rollercoaster, a parents worst nightmare, a constant battle with exhaustion, and also a time of great gifts and wonderful loving support. I don't want to recount it, except to say that I finally feel like I can take a deep breath again, and that I believe he will survive.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I got an email that I've been dreading and excited about at the same time. I received a copy of the trailer for the documentary called "and I survived". The email said that there is still a lot of editing to do but that everyone filmed will be in it. I'm in the trailer and I had mixed emotions watching it.

It's been over a year since filming and I didn't recognize the calm confident woman I saw. I think I can find her again. I've felt stronger and more rested than I have since Feb. Game on!

The closing comment didn't feel difficult when I made it, but watching it now, the struggle is obvious to me. That's OK too. I also recognized that I've done a lot of work since then and I wasn't triggered by watching it. Progress.

That's all for today, but I hope to be more present here.

Crowestrong, elly