Kids, kids

We started the day off with a phone call from Australia. Kelly and Danny are there for Danny's sister's wedding to Chris, which is next Saturday. Hopefully their jet lag will be mostly gone by then.

 All 7 of the kids met at the Y this morning. I brought Jason's and Kelly's kids and Tim and Jen met us with theirs. We swam, snacked, went to open gym play time, followed by a trip to the Aberfoyle market, followed by ice cream (I think it might have been the most delicious ice cream I've ever had!). Tim and Jen carried on home and the rest of us went to the park to play and walk the dogs. We played games and wrestled this afternoon and I dropped Em, Grace, and Sam off at Jay's just before supper. Daniel is watching a movie and I'm EXHAUSTED!!

As far as my anxiety, it was the best day I've had in ages!

I deserve to enjoy my body and move freely.
Love, elly

Grandkids

I'm pretty sure that I didn't do a very good job of describing how and why my grandkids have such a positive impact on me, so I'm going to try again.

As adults we all learn to adapt our behaviour to our circumstances and the company we're in. We decide how much to share, what we can ask, and what tone the conversation will have. Certainly some of the kids are old enough that they have picked up bits and pieces of this learned behaviour. However, at heart they are still mostly not influenced by others. They don't have a filter on what they say, and ask and tell whatever they want. They are generally much more genuine and grounded than most adults. I think it's this quality that makes it easier to be around them. If they're upset about something, they're gonna cry or yell, or both. If they snuggle, it's because they want to cuddle. If they're having fun, they'll laugh right from their boots. It's just easy to be with them, and I never have to guess what's going on with them. They never judge me, even if I'm tired, set rules, or get a bit grumpy. They so obviously love me and are so down to earth that I don't ever imagine that they'd be better off without me. It's the purest form of love that exists.

Yesterday I met with Talaria again and we started the initial stage of EMDR, being setting up the protection process. We reviewed and assessed all the different ways people disassociate from their bodies, what that looks like for me, and some strategies. I ranged from 0 % to 90 %. She also reviewed how she measures how long to continue each session and what it will look like. My friend Lee told me to watch out to make sure I wouldn't go too fast and to make sure of my protection. I think even she would approve.

I had a great day with Daniel, even though I had a brutal headache for most of the afternoon. In the morning, all the kids are coming swimming at the Y. Yeah!

I am strong and healthy.
Love, elly

Ups and downs

Yesterday morning I did really well...I spent it with Daniel and Sam. When I got home I totally crashed and was very agitated and anxious for the rest of the day. I did not even attempt to login to the CRA site or walk the dogs, which was on my agenda for the day.

Today I woke up feeling pretty much the same, but eventually got up to take the dogs for a walk. It was still humid but much cooler than it has been, which makes it a little easier for Lucy to enjoy a good run. While I was out I figured I should take advantage of the rain we had and the cooler temperatures to do some gardening, which would also keep me active longer. I spent the rest of the morning digging and pulling weeds.

The rest of the day was not as bad as yesterday, and I completed my CRA task from yesterday, as well as some laundry, as well as this post. I also ate pizza for 3 meals in a row: supper last night and both breakfast and lunch today. It's hard to not believe that I'm just totally pathetic, but I'm continuing to remind myself to be compassionate.

I deserve to be cared for in a healthy loving way.
Love, elly

What's going on?

I've decided, for several reasons, to describe as accurately as possible, what's been going on for me. One reason is that saying it out loud, by writing it down, helps me to gain clarity about it. The other thing is that I'd like to have as much awareness as possible before I start the EMDR treatment Friday.

Let me start by saying that it's a very visceral experience for me. It feels like the things I'm experiencing are in the cells of my body, and as such, are inescapable. I have some thoughts about why that is, but can't seem to get it into words. More accurately, I'm too afraid to.

Intellectually, I know that I'm blessed with many people in my life who love me. However, I'm having difficulty accessing that information, so I don't feel that love in my body. It's almost as if my brain and my body are not communicating. I think that's why it's different with my little ones, because they squeeze me, and kiss me, laughing and talking, slamming into my body with their big personalities, so my body can't ignore them. They make the connection between brain and body for me.

It's the same with other activities like work or household duties, self care, and self esteem. There's lots of evidence that I'm good at my job, a functioning adult, capable of taking care of myself, and that people in my life appreciate and value my contributions. However, the amount of anxiety that I won't be able to do whatever it takes to do something as simple as renewing my health card, is mind boggling. So I do little bits of things, and when I start to feel scared or overwhelmed, I switch to something else, read or play games to distract myself, sleep to disappear, or eat to numb myself. I survive from moment to moment.

That's not to say that I'm totally without resources though. I've figured out that if I pay twice as much for the bills when they're due, that I don't have to face paying them as often. If I can't get out of bed to the pool, I keep trying to get out for a walk. If I wake up during the night with disturbing thoughts or memories, I read, so that I'm not stuck in the Shit. This still means I'm tired in the morning, but not as anxious or agitated. If I have 3 nights in a row that I don't sleep well, I take a sleeping pill, so that the anxiety isn't exacerbated by fatigue. If people ask and sincerely seem to want to know how I'm doing, I tell them. If not, I try to reach out to people who I know care, so I can have a sort of reality check with them. I'm trying to blog a bit earlier so that I'm not too tired to put some reasonable thoughts together. I've also dug out some old cards that I used years ago when I was doing counseling and am using them to give myself positive affirmations. That's why I'm including part of that at the end of every post. I'm trying to focus on one thing every day to relearn that positive self talk.

So, last night after I blogged, my anxiety went through the roof. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the timing of it. It just is. However, I was able to dig out the form I needed for my health card, and simultaneously discovered that my licence was also due for renewal. This morning I took both forms to Service Ontario, and didn't even get to sit down before my number was called. Done and done. I got to the pool and took the dogs out for a walk. Done and done. I was able to have a visit with my friend Lee this afternoon and return her recumbent bike that I borrowed to try last year. Done. This post was the last thing that I had for my goals today. Done.

In the moments that I feel grounded, I'm extremely grateful for each one of you.

In spite of everything, I'm glad that I'm a woman; a woman with awareness that there are some small parts of me that feel more male than female.
Love, elly

Undecided

I saw my doctor today, as a follow-up to the increase in medication a month ago. He suggested that I double it again, but I told him I'd be more comfortable increasing by another half. I really appreciate that he lets me direct my care that way, after we've discussed options. Part of me is quite resistant to any increase at all, but I have to acknowledge that I could use some help, so I guess I'm gonna try it.

I'm very stressed about needing to get a new health card, so I'm going to try dealing with that in the morning. I managed a little shopping today, and walked the dogs. I found a dish for squeezing lemons, that has a little pour spout, so it's easier to add to the soda stream. I've been sorting through some stuff to get rid of, so will pack some of that into bags yet tonight. I know it's not a lot, but I didn't have too much anxiety, so I'll count it successful.

I deserve to feel whole.
Love, elly

Hope

I'm going to attempt a post with the clear understanding that I might not be successful. I have abandoned the practice lately because it seemed to be making things worse. I have tried again the past 2 days, but today feels like something might be possible.

On Thursday I met a woman whose name is Talaria. Speaking with her has given me some hope that she might be able to help me. Next week I will start EMDR (eye movement desentization and reprogramming) sessions with her. She has told me that it will never eliminate triggers, but that it should help to decrease my reaction to them. Apparently it allows the frontal cortex of the brain, which is impacted during extreme stress, to heal, allowing it to reengage in a more normal way. No worries about me ever becoming completely normal, thank god!

This morning I actually felt like getting out of bed. I had no heaviness or anxiety and managed to get the dogs out for a walk and read a little before the anxiety reared its' ugly head again. This is the first time in months that I've had time that was reasonably comfortable, except for when I'm with the kids. I think they are so spontaneous and grounded in reality that it's impossible for me to be anxious around them. I'm grateful.

I've gained about 30 lbs in the last few months and Talaria told me to keep being as compassionate as possible with myself about it. That's not easy.

I really want to document my progress during this new treatment, and I will continue to weigh in once a week, but my focus for now will be on feeling better. I'm convinced that once I feel better, I'll get a handle on the eating again. I will only post as I feel able, but will make a concerted effort after each session.

I have a right to a safe place to exist.
Love, elly