I was ridiculously tired!

I actually had to look at yesterday's post to make sure I didn't say anything ridiculous, at least not more riciculous than usual. I fell asleep 3 more times before I finally just hit "publish" and hoped for the best. I meant to tell you that I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 213 lbs, for a total loss of 81 lbs and 13 more to my next goal. I have a busy day planned today; good workout this morning, although my knee is still acting up a little since our beach walk. It still feels way better than it has for years though! I'm taking the van in this morning for a check on the electrical, getting a haircut at 12:30, walking with Jay, Anne and girls and then the girls are coming for a sleepover. I figured I better post now, unless I wanted a repeat of last night's ridiculousness. I continue to feel good having the shakes. Sometimes I have some broth or veggies and sometimes not. When I do, it's more because I want to actually eat something and not because I'm having cravings or am hungry. I have been finding that something crunchy really satisfies that need very well. Celery and cucumbers are my friends! I'm also settling into the process of becoming single. Changing a few things around the house is helping. It will be a long road, but I am determined not to blame either one of us and do my best to be kind. That's it for today, other than to wish each one of you a Happy New Year (especially Jay!) and safe festivities this evening, elly "Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not." Vaclav Havel

almost forgot

I was snuggling in bed with the boys, D and S, going over the day in my head..."oh shit!" I almost forgot to post to my blog. It was a good day, good workout this morning, got lots done at home, walked in the sunshine and had the boys for a sleepover. I rearranged the bedroom and they helped me hang the mirror back up. Just fell asleep, time to pack it in! Gratefully, elly

oops

Thanks to Jen for pointing out that I didn't post yesterday. It's fine if I decide not to post, but when I think I have and didn't hit "publish", it's frustrating. I might never have noticed! Then you would have missed the "Aubrey" antics... He slept till after 8:15 this morning, although Adrian was awake just after 5! We had so much fun before dad came to pick them up. We built forts, drove trains and trucks, read stories, fought over diaper changes and Ad learned how to keep Lucy from jumping up and licking him till he's crazy. All in all a great time! I went to Cory's to help with some shelf building and floor mat laying with her and Mary. Then came home and took the dogs out for a long walk, came back home and vegged with a book. I've sorted some kitchen things and am putting my new magic bullet away...it will be hard nor to use it for another month when I can eat more again. I'm still feeling really satisfied with the nutrition from the shakes and am still eating something crunchy most days too. I am missing clinic and the other people walking this path with me. Still another week and a half before we meet again. I have another week off work and intend to enjoy it to the fullest! In appreciation for another lovely day, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." Douglas Adams

good tired

Market day with the crew from the Peg today. It was more quiet than usual, which was kind of nice as we had more time to visit. Kelly and I shopped for shoes after and I bought a pair of boggs, which should keep my feet dry and warm. I had a delicious nap this afternoon and then Ad, Aub, Em and Grace came over. We made supper, had tubby time, a little TV and then we started "stay in bed Aub", "back into bed, Aub", laying down with Aub and then moving to another bed and then some more "Aub, "stay in bed", "back to bed, little guy". Eventually he caved! I am blessed, elly This quote really speaks to me about addiction: "I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think." Richard Pryor

opportunity

Today I took advantage of the opportunity to have an impromptu visit with friends in Sarnia. Mia was going to take some pics of baby Liam and I not only tagged along but brought Emmy with me too. It was an extremely enjoyable day with a great walk on the beach and lots of baby snuggles. We had promised to have Emmy back by a certain time, but she misplaced her phone and I misplaced my keys. When we were finally on our way home, I ran out of wiper fluid and had to stop to fill it up. I woke Emmy doing so, but the exciting part was that she had even fallen asleep, as she has not done that, even as a baby. Tired and content, elly Pete, either I'm too tired to get what you're saying or you misunderstood what I was trying to say. Regardless, I love you immensely. "Life is a gift and it offers us the privilege, opportunity and responsibility to give something back by becoming more." Tony Robbins

today

Today I can admit that I was angry yesterday; Angry at the unfairness of loving without return; Angry that sometimes good dreams still die; Angry about loss. Today, having acknowledged my anger, I was able to let it go, mostly. There are worse things than unrequited love, like not loving. Today I'm grateful for being clean so that I could know my anger. If I had eaten to numb it, I would have taken all that anger and turned it on myself and then I would have been doubly angry! Today was a wonderful mix of good company, walks in the cold, play, generous gifts, food and drinks...in that order! I am the most blessed person in the world to have such a wonderful family. They are all uniquely wonderful (read weird) and I appreciate the few add ons we have sometimes too. Thanks Danny, for sharing your family! Today I am deliriously tired and happy. I also tossed all the leftover treats, squares etc in the garbage. Love to all, elly "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" Dr. Seuss "Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices - today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it." Kevyn Aucoin

Happy ho ho

I walked over to Raglan St this morning to share breakfast (net really), visit with visitors and read some new stories. Bacon smells amazing!! I walked home again and started sorting and prep for tomorrow, the real Christmas celebration for me. It became rather difficult as every time I turned around, I came across something of Bernie's and I would set it aside for him. At some point I realized that I wasn't prepared for that to be my Christmas, so I stopped, thought about my morning visit and all the other things I am grateful for and got ready to go for supper at Mary's, which is always amazing! As usual, my spirits lifted almost immediately, being surrounded by family. I soon realized that it would not be that simple today; for the first time since I have been trying to change how I relate to food, I could have eaten every bite of every appetizer on the table! Yikes! I had a club soda and accepted that people were willing to help by removing dishes. I smelled the liver pate, several times, and it smelled wonderful. I was able to suffice with that aroma and had another club soda. Then at supper, I probably had twice as many green beans as I am allowed on the program, but I was OK with that. I think it was a good choice considering how I felt and all the other delicious options. It was past my bedtime when I got home, so I let the dogs out and shovelled the driveway instead of walking. Now I'm going to bed and hopefully the headache that I've had most of the day will be gone when I get up. Merry Christmas, elly "Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." David Ogden Stiers

Christmas Eve

This day evokes lots of memories, some good, some not so. While I certainly remember feeling appreciative of the special treats we might get for singing in the choir, and the excitment of staying up late to go to midnight mass, nothing can compare to the genuine gratitude I feel for the simple things today. An early morning visit to the pool, a visit with Nana, Danna and Chris, including my 2 little men, seeing the dazzling sunshine on the inch thick layers of ice on the trees, a little quiet time at home, a shovel, a lovely visit and supper with my Mia and Cory, a walk in Paula's bogs in the crisp cold air... Yesterday I was reminded of how fortunate I am that I enjoy my children so much. You already know how I feel about my grandkids, but I really want to say how blessed I feel about the "in-laws" I have accumulated. Anne is so open and genuine, down to earth, Danny is so honest, funny and kind and Jen is so generous, thoughtful and sweet. I am so grateful that they each give me their respect, kindness and willingness to talk openly. I just love them all!! I weighed in at the Y this morning (1 day late) at 214 lbs, for a total loss of 80 lbs and 14 more to my next goal! Thank you for accepting me as I am and allowing me to love you too, elly "Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." Calvin Coolidge "Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." Dr. Seuss

water and air

I spent the day with Tim, Jen, Aubrey, Adrian, Jason, Anne, Emmy and Gracie. It was such a gift to me! We played in the water all day, until we were so tired out from the seeming lack of air in the place that we had to go home. The very best was being in the outdoor heated pool while the wintry air surrounded us. It was the only spot we could stay for long because the air was so awesome out there. A total day of fun, relaxation, good conversation and comraderie. I also was not in the least bit jealous of the crappy food they had there! Gratitude for days of grace, elly "My friends and family are my support system. They tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and they are there for me in the good and bad times. Without them I have no idea where I would be and I know that their love for me is what's keeping my head above the water." Kelly Clarkson

quiet, awesome day

OK, not that quiet, but quiet inside me and that's where it really counts. I went to the pool as I haven't felt very safe walking much with all the ice we have around. Definitely a good choice and I felt good. I got a message from D this morning saying, please can I come to your house? What is a Gramma to do?? I picked him up and told him we need to try and get some of the ice off the cedar trees so they wouldn't break. He was excited, and so we got started. I had a window cleaner on a long handle and I attached the extension handle to it and started bashing at the tree as far up as I could reach. Daniel also tried and all we accomplished was to break the top off the window cleaner, break the extension handle and break lots of small pieces off the cedars. We did very little to actually remove any ice buildup, so I decided the trees were on their own, that they would survive or not. We went in and built an awesome fort, built a ramp for racing marbles and beanies, chased each other with the vaccuum, moved some furniture (good thing he is so strong!), ate some cheese and crackers (him, not me), watched a movie and discussed the merits of a magazine rack for his mom for Christmas. She was surprised by his generous gift when she arrived to pick him up!! I finsihed re-organizing the basement and started some laundry and waited until D left to put ice melter on the driveway. After he left, I was thinking about something I heard about someone who is in the same bariatric program, but is much further along. The person is really struggling with over eating and I have already been aware that I'm more than a little worried about what will happen when life is back to a more "normal" food routine. Right now I'm clean and I'm always satisfied, so it's easy. When I have to prepare my own food again, I know it will be a challenge not to go back to old habits. I don't know, but I imagine that even for addictions that you never go back to your drug, the normal routines of life will probably have that challenge too. It seems difficult that after we kick this habit, we need to go back to our drug and wrestle it to the ground every day, because we can't live without it. I will continue to be aware and get ready to tackle the problem when it arises. You all need to know that if I need you, I will be asking for help. I NEED to do this, so I'm going to be ready with a plan. Thanks, elly "Gramma, don't put the ice melter on, I want the ice to stay!" D Slessor "Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best. Theodore Isaac Rubin

busy day with 2 little Crowes

I spent the day today with Adrian and Aubrey. We played, got soaking wet while walking, had a short rest, built forts, read stories, said "no" a lot and watched Charlie Brown's Christmas. it was an entirely wonderful day, ending with supper (read celery) at Mary's with Cory et all, Paula and Mike. I sorted out some more of Bernie's stuff, which seems to help me to come to terms with his leaving. Reading before sleep, elly "In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive." Lee Iaccoca

ugly

On Wed when I was feeling very sad, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately thought, My sadness is so ugly! I stopped and looked at my face and really feel that it was ugly. I'm not sure if it's from years of being told not to cry or from being told as a child that I was being a suck, or maybe all people are ugly when they cry. I had to stop looking in the mirror because the message was totally negative. I suspect that I feel like no one wants to be around a sad person, so I should just not be sad. I do think it's critical to feel it when I am sad, in order to move through it and move on, but I will no longer look in the mirror! Paula and I got the car transferred into her name today and I'm excited for her. I hope she enjoys it as much as I have! We both answered "yes" at exactly the same time when we had to swear that I was giving it to her and no money was changing hands. Tonight at supper I enjoyed celery sticks with honey dijon dressing. Who would ever have thought that I could enjoy something so simple so much? Yummy!! Love, elly "Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion." Margaret Cho

8 years ago...

Emily Hope Crowe was born and changed my life in so many ways, all of them good! We celebrated with Grammy and Pa and Mom, Dad and Gracie pie! We sang Karaoke, walked the dog, had a snowball fight and there was just a wee bit of pouting near the end... Tomorrow will be a busy day, but hopefully the speakers will be interesting. I bought water and cookies and ordered coffee from Timmies. Someone made me shortbread cookies today and someone else made sugar cookies. I'm looking forward to feeding the kids! That's all I have today, but tomorrow is another day. Thanks, elly "Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap." Barbara Jordan

yummy smells and sadness...

Today was our annual Christmas dinner for our students and guests. It was an amazing amount of work, of which I did a little, but what I did was appreciated, mostly... The only real difficulty I had was with a donation that was made to give a gift to each student. Another student took control of the whole process and it left me feeling a little robbed. I wanted the gift to be anonymous and she insisted on changing the whole way it was presented, as she wanted it to be done by the students. I'm not sure why it bothered me so much, except that even though I didn't want to be acknowledged, (I have done this for the last several years) I also didn't want her to be acknowledged for what others had done. Pretty sad, eh? I feel petty, but it really did bother me. I initially decided that next year, I would just not contribute, but have decided that I will still do something, but anonymously outside of this day. The awesome thing about the day was how much I enjoyed the smell of the rare roast beef, ceasar salad, carrots, beans, potatoes and sweet potatoes, gravy etc. It didn't bother me that I wasn't eating it and I really truly enjoyed getting to smell it! It was another great session at clinic and I was reminded again of just how very fortunate I am to have the support and encouragement of family and friends, to be able to walk and exercise and to believe that I can do this. I saw the Dr this week too and he has decreased my thyroid medication as my levels are now high due to my decreased body size. I did talk to him about possible decreasing my anti-depressant in the spring and he seems to agree. I saw Bernie after clinic when he was getting ready to leave for work and I was quite overwhelmed with sadness about our marriage. The hopes and dreams tht I had for us must change and I think it is the loss of the things I wanted for us that made me so sad. I went for a walk right after I got home and that did seem to help. So now, I've had a good cry and will carry on. I also got an awesome Christmas card with a pic of 2 of my favourite little guys on it, so I had to call to thank them. That really cheered me up! In humble appreciation, elly "Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." Ashley Smith

3 more days!

I don't really care about how many more sleeps till Santa comes, but there are 3 more days till I have a break from work and that I am really looking forward to. A lot of people have such a hard time during the holidays and our students have lots of reasons to have a hrad time. It will be nice to bask in the relative "normal" life that my weird family entails. There continues to be a BIG learning curve for the new people in HR and it is making the afternoons more challenging too. A rest, yup, that's what I want, a rest! If any of you are interested Walden Farms now makes a calorie free series of salad dressings. They are very reasonably priced, but are only available at some Sobey's stores right now. There are a lot of varieties; I have tried the honey mustard, which I added more mustard to as I found it a little sweet. Next week, I'm getting a ceasar to try and will let you know what I think of it. It has been nice to enjoy a salad! I'm continuing my daily after-supper walks and tonight I met Danny and the boys and we looked at Christmas lights in the neighbourhood. Life is good, elly "Keep your chin up and a grin on!" Hunter Girl "Thou wilt find rest from vain fancies if thou doest every act in life as though it were thy last." Aristotle

feeling better

I woke up this morning and was shocked to discover that I wasn't sore, at all! So much so that I shoveled the 2 new inches of snow from the driveway before I went to the Y. I was thinking about it while walking tonight and realized that numerous aches and pains have diminished recently. My knee still feels unstable but there is definitely less pain. As well most of the worst pain happens during the night when it gets into a bad position and comes apart. I am walking faster and easier, except for the occasional slip on ice or slush. I may be forced to wear the yak trax one of the kids got me a few years ago! My balaclava is awesome too and it's from dollarama. Of course my spirits are improved as well and I'm feeling more stable emotionally too. When I think about what a vicious cycle depression and eating have been for most of my life, even I am impressed. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 218 lbs for a total loss of 76 lbs and my third goal achieved. My next goal is to reach 200 lbs, with 18 more to go. Thanks for the love, support and encouragement, elly "Improvement begins with I". Arnold H Glasow

what a terrible, marvelous day

I didn't get much sleep last night, but I got to wake up with 2 of the most important young men in my life; There was a ton of snow in my driveway that needed to be shovelled and I was able to shovel it; After the second shovelling, my back is quite sore, and stretching feels so good; I had lots of garbage to drag out to the curb and that's because I sorted and cleaned the basement (mostly); My Lucy barks so loud sometimes, and my dogs are such a comfort to me in so many ways; I have to get up early to be at the gym and get to work on time, and I love my job (I know you wouldn't always know that from what I say); This afternoon I broke a picture frame that I really like and I was able to glue it back together; I moved the furniture around in the basement and ended up with the sewing machine in front of the window; I have raised 4 kids pretty much alone and I like them and their spouses a lot! A really really lot; I am an addict and food is my drug of choice; When I'm clean, my brain works! I'm so very very blessed, elly "It is always the simple that produces the marvelous." Amelia Barr

no blog tonight

It's story time for the boys... elly

sick? or just tired?

I am either sick or very tired... I'm very nauseous, so much so that I'm gagging. I don't usually puke unless I'm nearly dead! I wanted to tell you how much I am getting the mind body connection and exercise is the answer for both. That's the short version cause I'm trying not to puke. My warm clothes are awesome and I bought a balaclava too. Calmly, elly "Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self abuse and regret." Miguel Angel Ruis

better

Busy day, but much better. After work I bought a down jacket and 2 pair of fleece lined pants, that were outrageously expensive, but they keep me warm and they fit. It had to happen. Cory, Mary and I went to see Andy and Denise's new place in Elora, and even though it was late when I dropped them both off, I went for my walk and will do a few stretches. No time for more, but things are back in perspective, and that's probably the fastest I've ever fixed that! Seeing as eating and depression have been a vicious cylce for many years, I will celebrate that! Love, elly "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." Buddha

argh, depression!

Well I awoke this morning and knew that I would not make it to the gym. I thought about not going to work, but put it off. I read for a bit and by then it was too late to call in to work, so I got up, without turning on my happy lamp. I had my shake, fed the dogs and let them out and went for a shower, the whole time thinking about what was going on. Kind of ironic that I've been thinking about decreasing my antidepressant more, eh? That is definitely what happened. Luckily, I know what to do for that! The extra walks I'm doing are no longer optional, and neither is the gym. To that end, I went looking for some wind pants to help keep me warm, because I'm really feeling the cold. If you had told me this in the last ten years, I would have laughed. I don't think I've even had a winter coat on more than 6 times in the last ten years. The hot flashes kept me warm no matter where, no matter when. Now, partly due to the weight loss and partly because the flashes seem to be over, at least for now, I am freezing! I will also postpone looking at another decrease in meds, at least till the end of winter. It felt good to figure it out and act on it and after my walk I realized that I may need to get a bellaclava too. Peter, is that how you spell that? That's all for tonight, as I'm going to do stretches. Love all of you, elly "Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment." Grenville Kleiser Amen to that!

reverse

Well, I felt great this morning and had lots of energy. However, as the day wore on I got tired and this evening after I got home just after 7, I started to feel nauseaus. I have noticed this in the evenings before and think maybe it's a side effect from my antidepressant. I have weaned myself from 225 mg to 75 mg and I think there is one lower dose. I'm going to ask the Doc next week when I see him, if he can change it or if I need to see my GP. I think my GP is still off sick, so hopefully the Dr at clinic can do it. I also had bloodwork done today to check my thyroid levels. With this amount of weight loss, I probably need a lower dose. I had some other things I wanted to share tonight, but it will wait. No walk tonight and no stretches, straight to bed! Clinic tomorrow. I got to watch Emmy at her concert tonight, and spending time with grandkids fixes everything! I don't even care about spelling tonight, so have at 'er, Pete! Love, elly

so excited!

I was weary when I got up, dragged my ass to the gym and spent the first 15 minutes finding very little energy. However, once I started my muscle work, it came right back. I figured it would at some point and I was prepared to just coast if it didn't. Spending 2 to 3 min in the hot tub with jets on my knee seems to be helping that as well. I weighed in this morning at 222 lbs, for a total loss of 72 lbs and 3 more to my next goal...OMG, so excited! It was an easy relaxed day at work and when I left at noon, Bernie drove me to pick up my new (read used) van, put the plates on for me and filled it up with gas. He is such a generous guy and I really appreciate him. I drove to Fergus, and when I was coming home after work, I stopped in at the dealer because one of the remotes wasn't working. They fixed it, I arranged for them to store my tires for spring and I think I might splurge and order some fitted floor mats. I can see so well, I love the ride and can't wait to drive it again in the morning...so excited!! I made broccoli soup again and it is so good and yummy and warmed me up from the cold. Next week I'm going to try a different kind. love, elly This really poke to how I'm feeling today; "Get excited and enthusiastic about you own dream. This excitement is like a forest fire - you can smell it, taste it, and see it from a mile away." Denis Waitley

sorting

It was a cold day to clean out the car, but seeing as I'm picking up my van tomorrow at noon, it had to be done. It really amazed me how much stuff I can collect, especially as it's a small car. I emptied it, cleaned it, including getting the goo off the dash from one or another electronic appliance that sat up there. Then I came in and started sorting! Purging is good for me and I ended up with just 1 container of stuff to go into the van. It also took me 2 hours to warm up! I will NOT be going for a walk later... I will do some stretches though, as that seems to help before I go to bed and I have managed it pretty regularly since I started. I also went swimming with Kelly and the boys this morning and that was fun. After I finished with the car, I sorted and packed some of Bernie's pictures and did laundry. Now I think I'll sit on my ass and read. By the way, I forgot to mention how easy it was to walk the hills around Teresa's house yesterday and that was not the case even 6 months ago. I also got a glimpse of how much I still need to learn as I drooled over sausage, chicken and cheese, but I only had my cup of broccoli. They assure us we will be ready when we are at that stage. Warmly, elly "We see things as we are, not as they are." Leo Rosten

memories

When I thought I was grown up, I still harboured resentments towards my parents. They hadn't done it right and I suffered because of it. They had too many children and not enough time to love them. They had to work too hard to provide for us and didn't spend "quality time" with us. Then I had children of my own and realized that there is no "right". There is never enough time or money and it is the biggest job in the world to continue to care and still find a few minutes to care for yourself. Today, I thought of my parents as we gathered as a family without them and thought of the gifts they have given us. The gift of work for others sakes, the gift of joy for children, the gifts of perseverance, generosity, kindness and hope. The gift of each other, so we would never run out of people to love and support us. The gift of knowing that there are many, many others with much less than we have. The gift of creativity to know that if we don't have it, we can figure out something that will work instead. The gift of boundless love and a belief in something "bigger" than us. The gift of struggling to overcome difficulty and the gift of knowing that it is a priviledge that not everyone gets. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad, and thank you! elly "You're not everybody either." Frits Rooyakkers

explosion

Yesterday was a cake walk compared to today. Today was yesterday exploded. So I'm gonna focus on the wonderful things: seeing odd John for a hug and a few nice words, walking in the cold, painting nails for Emmy and her friends for her birthday, a long hug from my son, stretching, a good mattress, cuddling with the dogs...today was a mighty fine day after all! Lori-Anne, thanks for the offer, maybe next week! In genuine appreciation of the gifts of writing, elly "Ramma bo bamma, I love you." A Crowe "Adrian bo badrian, I love you too!" Gramma

Full day

It has been a busy busy day filled with challenges, mostly other peoples; movement, mostly mine; conversation, shared; laughter, partly at others' expense, and shared; stretching, mine; and some real contentment, mine. Work, while a challenge, reminds me often that my difficulies are nothing compared to others and at the same time offers me an opportunity to feel the gift that is the honour of trying to find connection to build on. I feel badly for people who never find their true work, as it is so satisfying to know you are doing something that matters, at least to those we serve. And yes, it's true that sometimes we laugh inappropriately, because otherwise the grief would overwhelm us. We suffer so much vicarious trauma at work that there are times they call in someone to help us deal with it together. We often talk about dreaming of these precious bsings because they lodge right inside our hearts and our minds. This too is a gift. I'm still feeling a little nausea in the evenings but am doing better with shakes and have had soup several days as well. I also bought another broccoli to make more soup and also got some lettuce to try. I'm hoping to find some of the calorie free dressing that I've been hearing about so I can try it. As this is my second week of adding a walk after supper, I decided to add some stretching every evening as well. I don't know if this is too soon to be doing another thing that I want to become permanent, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I figure I need all the help I can get! Loving life, elly "Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." William James "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw

I never should have told Peter he was right about something!

Even though it's occasionally true, I'm convinced that it's a mistake to tell him. Then he gets all cocky and full of attitude 'n shit. So, Peter, I think you are wrong this time. I do not feel guilty when I feel good, but I am also aware that I will have days like today, when there are a few stark reminders of the loss I am experiencing. I didn't fall apart and I'm pretty sure I won't, but I still know that as we disentangle our "together" lives into more separate ones, there will be grief along the way. I think that it's important to expect that for a while and I would be foolish not to prepare for those times, so that they don't take me by surprise and knock me off my feet. Cause when I fall on my ass, I fall HARD! Plus there's not as much padding there as there used to be. Still lots but less. I hate to overstate my point, but I also think you are wrong about the back up camera for my car. It's not just the backing up visibility that I need, but all around. Today I bought an 08 Chevy Uplander with 114 Kms, basic, but clean and with great visibility all the way around. It is roomy and comfortable, I know the previous owner and who did all the services, plus they are putting 4 new Michelin x ice 3 snows on. I'm excited. Now, just so you know that I don't care if you are right or wrong, I love you immensely and am so grateful that you love me. At least you got that right... Clinic did not disappoint today, and the group is becoming more and more important to me. The information is pretty overwhelming sometimes because there is just so much, but the people are so real and truly a gift to me. I just don't really have words to describe the support and comraderie and friendship I feel from these people. I am truly blessed. Plus the 2 Lisas that lead the group are smart and funny and I think they like us! Living in gratitude, elly "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it." Voltaire "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." Friedrich Nietzsche

exaggeration

I seem to have an incredible capacity to exaggerate, in my mind, in reality, good or bad, I can make it more than it is...or less! My knee pain kept me awake on and off all night. The reason that it felt better when I headed out to walk last night was that I hadn't walked Sat or Sun, so it got a good rest. However, I still believe that it will get a least marginally better over time. I'm finding that a few minutes in the hot tub or a heating pad helps and I will continue exercises. I may even break down and go for the physio they told me to go for. (Have you heard that before? Me too.) I had lots of energy today, inspite of the lack of sleep, and feel good. Lots of useful interaction happening at school AND principals are starting to call the office and ask questions! It has literally been years since I have started to encourage them to do that, and it is nice to find that at least a few of them like to work collaboratively and problem solve together instead of react and then deal with the fall out. It still means there are issues to sort, but I much prefer working together. I did well with intake today and also had plenty of water. The broccoli soup was pretty good, but next time I would double the broth, using just 1/2 cup of broccoli per cup of broth. Did I mention that I feel good? I also don't feel bad about feeling good, which is an important distinction for me. I know there will be more days ahead when I'm very overwhelmed and sad, but I need to accept and appreciate these days, so I will be ready for those when they come. To my new friends, who have been so kind, generous and supportive of my efforts, thank you! It is a real gift to allow me to know you and to have you accept me as I am. And I'm NOT exaggerating! Love, elly 'Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth." Stan Laurel "Exaggeration is truth that has lost its temper." Khalil Gibran

walking easier

Ok, the walking is ever so slightly easier, but easier, non the less. I find myself actually looking forward to my evening walks and although they are short (about 20 mins), I keep up a steady pace until the dogs need to crap! Even then, I try to walk on the spot a bit. When I think of where I was with this in the spring, and I was afraid to go down the stairs, because of the falls and walking was just too painful to do, it's a vast improvement. I had my shakes today and made the broccoli soup, but didn't try it yet. I really am puzzled by the fact that the evenings, which were always such a difficult time, are now the time when I am not hungry and do not want to eat. I am drinking lots, so I'll take it while it lasts. It was a challenging day at school and I wasn't really able to engage anyone in any active learning. I did get started on the second large tablecloth during my break though, which is white, and I'm putting a green edge stitching on it. I think it will be nice. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 225 lbs, for a total loss of 69 lbs and 6 more to my next goal. It's starting to sound impressive, even to me! My work in the pool continues to go well and I think my knee will eventually improve with the combination of muscle work and aerobic, especially with the added benefit of traction in the water. I didn't sleep all that well last night and will crash early and do better tonight. Gratefully, elly "Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very fast. Thomas Jefferson...yeah right, Tom!! "Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light." Helen Keller

lonely day

...and that meant that I had time to have phone visits with several of my sisters, which was fantastic. I also did laundry, sorted my "too big to wear anymore" clothes and went to the V.V. boutique (Value Village) to pick up a few things that fit better. I am sadly lacking in pants right now, but I just don't care. I will happily wear the same few pairs over and over. I had 4 shakes again today, but didn't end up making the soup; maybe tomorrow. I'm still struggling with getting the shakes in, but find I do better if I load up earlier, rather than later. I think later in the day, as I get tired, the emotions take their toll and I have to almost force myself to choke them down. Yesterday and today were slightly better though, so onward and upward! I remain open to ways that I might stay in the house. In appeciation, elly "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with." Wayne Dyer "For in the end, freedom is a personal and lonely battle; and one faces down fears of today so that those of tomorrow might be engaged." Alice Walker