Feeling drugged

Tired and sluggish, struggling to get up in the morning, and still eating to fill that hole in my belly. I'm quite sure that it's from the increase in medication and that it will pass, but in the meantime, I'm feeling a little low.

I'm certain that the biggest thing for me to learn now is patience, so I'm just gonna wait it out.

Love, elly

Learning

I'm still doing lots of things that I'd prefer to do differently, but I'm also recognizing some things and figuring some things out.

Right now I move very quickly into criticism and self judgement. If I recognize it right away, I can get back out of it fairly quickly too.

I remember when I first started on this medication that I felt short of breath for the first several weeks, so I'm not surprised that has increased with the increased dosage. I also know that if I keep pushing through it, it will feel better after a while.

I've realized that when I feel most anxious, it physically feels like a have a large hollow cave in my gut. If I eat enough to make myself feel really stuffed, the anxiety feels much less. Understanding why it's particularly difficult not to overeat right now makes it easier not to be mean to myself about it. That, in turn, helps me eat better at least some of the time.

I finally got my bike out for my first ride, so my butts a little sore. However, my heart feels better! The ice cream we rode for was delicious, thanks to Tim, Jen, and the kids.

I think that's enough for today. Much love, elly

Away

...for a renewing, peaceful, fun weekend with my dear friends. I'll be back!

Love, elly

Update

I had a great visit at the Dr. They had me use an iPad before I went in to review my symptoms, and rate each one for severity. When I met with him, I was able to clearly tell him how I've been feeling, even though I couldn't look him in the eye initially. He has diagnosed PTSD, increased my current medication, which is also used to treat depression and anxiety, and prescribed more counseling, including EMDR.

I've eaten well again, swam, walked, had the brakes fixed on the van, shopped for sisters weekend at the cottage...more than I've accomplished for weeks!

Now I'm gonna email the board office to ask if they'll cover the counseling, and if not, I'm doing it anyway!

I'm tired, but this has been the best day I've had in ages, so I'm celebrating!

Love, elly

Progress

I've eaten well today and got out for 2 walks. It doesn't seem like much, but considering where I've been, it feels good. I also made some good progress with the counseling this morning and made an appointment to see my Dr tomorrow morning. I'm going to ask about the possibility of adjusting medication.

I has some playtime and snuggles with the younger Crowe clan last night and the Slessor gang tonight. Together with family is my favourite place to be.

Love, elly

Think positive

I ate a lot of real food, so that's a start. I had a great visit and playtime with some fabulous kids, and that always feeds me. I will not go quietly!

Love, elly

I woke up

It's a new day, with another opportunity to learn and unlearn. I woke up, so there must be something more to do, to try, to accomplish. I'm keeping my eyes open and my heart steady.

Love, elly

I want more!

I'm tired of existing but only really living when I'm with the kids. I'm tired of stuffing everything down with food. I'm tired of waiting for inspiration and motivation or answers to questions that might not exist. I'm tired of wandering around in the dark.

That's all, elly

I'm still here

I don't have any answers today. Really, I don't even know the questions today. But I'm still here, still looking, still trying, still occupying space. Some days that's enough.

Love, elly

Good things

Some days it's tough to find something I feel good about as I continue to struggle my way through this bog I'm in. Today, however, I had 2 things.

I had my usual Tuesday slopitch time with Tim and Jen and the kids, which ends with tubby time and bedtime snuggles with Miss P. I also was fortunate enough to attend a retirement tea for my hero and the best nurse I know. After 43 (I think) years of dedication, my dear sister Cory walked out of St Joe's for the last time as an employee. Their loss!

Love, elly