It was a good day...

But I stayed up too late watching season 2 of "House" to tell you about it. Tomorrow it is.

Love, elly

boredom

It was a Pd day today, and the morning speaker was engaging and intelligent, addressing mental health. Awesome! Very nice!
Pm session was recertification in BMS (behaviour management systems), which we are mandated to do every year, making it mind numbingly boring! Pretty sad that I was happy to leave to go to the periodontist. Decidedly not nice.

I walked there and home again for lunch, which was nice.

Kelly, Danny and the boys stopped by for supper, which was nice.

I had an appointment with a prospective tenant, who didn't show up. In spite of the fact that I think it's NOT nice to do that to anyone, I'm glad it happened, as I don't want that kind of tenant!

I had a pretty good day, and was able to use some of my new strategies. Nice!

My one groin is sore, but the rest of yesterday's kinks got worked out in the pool this morning. Super nice!

Love, elly

I'm sore!

Don't worry, I'm not sore at you!

I walked for several hours with Cory again today, to and from clinic. It was beautiful, sunny, and not too cold, and all down hill both ways (not!). Two weeks ago when we did this walk, I was fine, but I never know how my joints are going to be. I started out with some instability in my right ankle, and by the time we got there, my left knee and right hip were sore. The walk home was even more difficult as everything was inflamed by then. Regardless, we did approximately 11 km in total!

It was a very good meeting with lots of practical tips to get or stay straight. It's also the first day in about a month that I've felt really secure in my mission. Phew! Tomorrow will be even easier!

The fireplace is on, the electric blanket is getting everything toasty and the dogs and I are planning on a good snuggle tonight.

"Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life." Joan Lunden

Love, elly

happy day

It was a good, happy day, not without it's challenges, which I overcame, and then snacked at bedtime...I'm so angry with myself! I tried to figure out what I was feeling before I ate, as that was our homework from class, but I just don't know...

Unhappy, elly

sick

...and tired, and eating, and not giving up!

I weighed in at the Y at 196 lbs, for a total loss of 98 lbs.

just grandma and me

Kiddie #1, 4 years old, loves yogurt and his bunny, handsome and charming to all except his brother; out cold!
Kiddie #2, 2 years old, loves yogurt and his sharkie, energetic and fun loving, except if it's with his brother; out cold!
Kiddie #3, 3 months old, loves eating, belching and pooping, beautiful and healthy, loves both her brothers; out cold!
Grandma #1, just old, useless except when it comes to any of her kiddies, tired and happy; resting quietly!

Love, elly

trouble sleeping

I've had a memory foam mattress for 7 years or so and I love it. It is so supportive for my joints and I use a pillow of the same material, shaped to allow my shoulder to fit under the edge of the pillow. Lately, my neck and shoulders have been giving me grief and I've been trying a different pillow, to no avail. I need to reposition often during the night to keep my joints aligned but I'm unable to find a position that keeps my neck from spasms. I can use either pillow fairly comfortably when on my side, at least for a little while, but neither when on my back. I've resorted to a muscle relaxant for tonight, hoping for a good nights sleep. I'm tired of being so tired!!

Love, elly

way tired

Also way good! You gotta love a good plan!

Love, elly

if the devil is in the details...

...and the details take care of themselves, does that mean that the devil takes care of himself? Makes sense to me!

I have not figured out how to get my blog done in the evening, when I keep falling asleep; I guess I'll let the devil take care of this one.

My new plan includes texting someone, anyone, when I'm considering any significant lapse of healthy eating. My premise is that the very fact of putting into words my concern, even if I don't get an immediate response, will change the need for immediate action, thereby keeping the food out of my mouth at least until later. My hope is that the very fact of articulating it will engage my discernment, and remind me that I'm not alone, as I'm so blessed to have so many people to reach out to. Fuck the devil on this one!

I have also been considering how to get some walking into my day; it's too stressful to get home from the gym early enough to walk to work, but I do have more time at lunch than I need to eat my lunch. My initial thought was to do the steps at the "Basilica" next door, but as steps are hard on joints, I'm going to walk the parking lot after I eat. (This is not the same as working the parking lot, although that sounds appealing too!) It will have the double benefit of getting me away from the food! The devil loses again!

I have also decided to do my best to invite at least one person for dinner every week. This will inspire me to be a little creative, think about variety, that I might not bother with just for myself. If I can take better care of myself by offer to do something for someone else, bonus!

That's it so far, but I think they are all good ideas. Now I'm going to read.

Love, elly

almost...

The middle of a new plan is often a bit chaotic, and that's where I am. It still feels ok. Change is a-comin'!

I got home too late, and got distracted by a thought I had about nuts, but other than that, it was a very good day.

Love, elly

optimistic

Yesterday wasn't great, food wise, and today was worse, but I still feel quite hopeful. I have an idea brewing that is going to sort itself over the next few days; I'll keep you posted.

I weighed in at the Y this morning to a broken scale, and believe it or not, my first thought was, shit, I was ready to face it! My second, of course, was that I've been saved from facing it! My third was, there's another scale around here somewhere...which gave me a 4 lb range; not very accurate! When I got to school, I got on the old balance scale at 198 lbs, for a maintained loss of 96 lbs, and 8 more to my new goal.

For whatever inexplicable reason, I feel good and I'm doing my best to hang onto that. Wish me luck!

Love, elly

it wasn't perfect!

...but I'll take it! I bought some dried fruit at the market; mango and pineapple, with nothing added, and I ate most of it. Other than that, I did fine, in spite of the birthday cake, pizza, and cookies that were shared to celebrate Grace's 7th birthday! Happy happy, Gracie!!

fell asleep

Pool, check.
No chocolate, check.
Tomorrow, eat to live.

Love, elly

revelations

I had some really good awareness this morning about the choices I need to make. Then I realized that there was still chocolate at school, so I made sure it was served for break today. Now it's gone.

Today I got back to the pool. Tomorrow, pool, no chocolate!

I just got home from a meeting, so I'm going to bed to read.

Love, elly

not there yet...

...but getting there! Cory and I walked in the sunshine for 2 hours, and that's gotta help!

Love, elly

fuckin' winter

I'm convinced that winter's darkness is at least partially responsible for my continuing tired and struggle. I started the day out by talking myself out of bed, barely. I had a good breakfast, but by 11 am things deteriorated rather quickly. I managed a fairly productive afternoon at the office, working on our negotiating brief, but my eating did not improve. Interesting, that several people commented to me that they were "winter eating" while I was there.

I accomplished nothing else, and things I needed to get done at home remain undone; so be it. I also continue to have some nausea and stomach upset; who knows?

Tomorrow I'm confident will turn me back around, as I'm attending the first of three additional workshops at the clinic, entitled "craving change". I'm actually looking forward to it with some anticipation.

That's all I've got; I trust I'll do.

Love, elly

discouraged beyond words

Over the last few days I had ice cream. I had cereal. I had dried mango and apple. I had some pistachios. I also had salad, steel cut oats, yogurt, spinach, cheese, mandarins and apples, which I usually have. I gained 6 pounds. In spite of the fact that I realize that there may be something else going on, today the numbers got to me. Since weighing in this morning, I haven't been able to find one bit of motivation or inducement to continue. I know I will, but it has been a drop off the cliff that I haven't been able to stop all day. I had muffins, cream cheese, pork schnitzel, hot chocolate, popcorn, lucky charms and cheerios. I didn't eat a single thing that I took to work. I just feel done in...and I don't wanna talk about it today. Maybe tomorrow.

I hope tomorrow comes, soon!

Love, elly

what's going on??

I'm very sleepy. I think I fell asleep at least 6 times today. I have had a few off days with food but nothing outrageous until today. My stomach has been very upset and eating seems to help...seems like I remember saying that sometime in the not too distant past...hmmm.

I just fell asleep again! I woke up to Lucy batting around a water bottle on the floor. I rolled over, took it from her and set it upright on the floor, to have her knock it over again. I knew right away, when I got fully awake, that her water bowl was empty! So after remedying that, I'm back in bed, still feeling sleepy.

I guess I'll try sleeping more!!

Love, elly

I appreciate...

In no particular order
...requests for booger pizza;
...dedicated parents who keep trying their best;
...good fresh food (with no boogers!)
...dogs to snuggle with on a cold winter night;
...warm milk (thanks dad!);
...apple chips from Costco;
...going to bed tired after a walk in the cold;
...sisters (and extra sisters) and brothers who are friends first;
...babies; (and kids) (and teenagers) (and old people, like Peter!)
...books and more books!

Love, elly

I learned...

...that I still identify more with fat pictures of myself.
...that I no longer identify with the fat pants I used to wear.
...that sometimes, the less said, the better.
...that I get more from having a guest spot at the clinic than the people I'm there to talk to.
...that the maintenance manager at the Y is a conceited, arrogant prick.
...that if you get to Costco an hour before they open, they won't let you in.
...that if you can't afford to retire, you better love your job. (I do!)
...again, that spending an evening with my lovely daughter, Paula, is one of my most precious treasures. I think I'll do it more often!

Love, elly

I'm late...

I forgot!

I had van trouble, which Tim rescued me from, Cory came for supper and a visit. Then I got the munchies, which I indulged. I woke to regret by how I felt from that...I mean actually, physically! I have learned this in the past and keep forgetting, so I'm gonna write down every time, to help me remember!

Enough learning for today.

Love, elly

I'm early

I've tried several evenings to write this post, but it's emotional and I wanted to make sure I wasn't tired, as otherwise it would overwhelm me. Please be forewarned that I'll be talking about Bernie and money, so if this makes you uncomfortable, just skip the post. I intend no disrespect at all!

In Dec, as a year had passed since Bernie left, it started going around in my head. I didn't intend this, but I think the year was enough time to allow some of the pain to diminish, so that I could look more objectively.

A few things surprised me. The first thing was that I'm angry; I wanted to write him and ask him to reply to my letter (which he has said he would do several times), to explain why he left. A friend said to me, "If he knew and was able to tell you that, he would still be there." I knew she was right and there was more underneath.

So I stewed for a few more days and figured out I'm mad about the money. Then I wanted to write him to explain how much more money he got, just because I needed him to understand. The same thought hit me. If he could understand that, he would still be here.

Then the truth really hit me; I arranged the financial settlement. I decided not to include all of his vehicles in our assets (between $30 and $35 thousand, not counting the tractor), and when he asked for $5000 more than what I was suggesting, I agreed. I was trying so hard not to be unfair or mean to him in any way, that I was...to myself! Ergo, I was really mad at myself!!

Of course this fits perfectly with my mistaken notions that I'm not good enough, and I didn't try hard enough, didn't compromise enough...etc. So I should be mad at myself for being so stupid and setting myself up to be in the financial position I'm in.

Thank god that wasn't the end of my process, and I realized that it's ok to forgive myself and Bernie for our shortcomings. It's also ok to learn from this and not continue to put other people before me, even financially. Then I need to let go of the anger, and writing this will help me to do so. I'm gonna be kinder to me.

I also realized that of all the things I lost with the end of our relationship, the money is the least important to me. I'm ok with that!

I also have a separate thought that I wanted to share about the holidays and my food intake. I didn't avoid food situations, had some extras, although selectively, and managed a food laden time quite well. I'm really pleased with my progress to date!

Thanks for the listen, elly

slow recovery; must be getting old.

I felt pretty normal this morning, but by mid-morning I was very achy again. I took some Advil and got through the day. By afternoon, I was exhausted. I had some light supper when I got home and changed into my night shirt. I've watched a Captain America movie and enjoyed thinking about how much my grandsons would be enjoying it.

So my plan is to continue to take it easy for a few days.

I weighed in this morning the Y at 187 lbs, for a maintained loss of 107 lbs and 7 more lbs to my next goal.

Love, elly

good stuff and...

I have spent the last several days celebrating. Celebrating birthdays: Tim's, which was Dec 27th, celebrated by having Aubrey puke all over me just after ordering supper. We got our food to go and cut the party short for a shower. Jason's, which was Jan 1st, with a quiet breakfast during which I got to catch up about his busy life. Kelly's, which was Aug 31st, which she has been too busy to celebrate until now.

Celebrating grandkids: We had a day at Ripley's aquarium, which was mind-numbingly scary, trying to keep track of kids with thousands of people milling about in the semi-darkness. Never go there with kids when school is out! They also enjoyed seeing the CN tower.

Celebrating cousins: they were all here together (except Penelope), bouncing on the beds, reading stories (to each other!), watching movies, having pillow fights, walking dogs, playing at the park, making stuff up, drinking hot chocolate and eating Kraft dinner. It is such a wondrous, magical, special thing to watch and enjoy.

Celebrating sisters: Stella's home, and Mary generously cooked a marvelous meal for all 6 of us to share.

...and that's when the "other" stuff started happening. The abdominal pain that was reminiscent of my gall bladder attacks, the struggle to not vomit or shit myself before I could get home, the chills, head and body aches, dizziness and brown-outs were all part of the excitement. They are mostly past now, thank god! I blame the gang from the Peg for bringing their nasty bugs to Ontario and sharing all the way around. It's a good thing we love and like them!!

Believe it or not, I celebrate this time for how much it makes me appreciate how often and well my body normally works.

Back to recovering...later!

Love, elly