I'm so angry!

As usual, when I'm most angry, it's at myself. I just get so frustrated with myself when I get through a difficult day with lots of treats around, homemade goodies, chocolate and grilled cheese and then totally lose it after supper. The day was done, but I managed to fit in a pigout of monumental proportions. I just don't get it. I'm tired of fighting, winning a few and then losing it again. I'm frustrated.
I feel bad for the rant and I know it doesn't help, but I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'm going to take small comfort from the fact that my addiction only ruins my own life and send a prayer out to the universe for all those facing the more destructive ones.
Tomorrow I'll start again, again.
Love, elly

Saved by the barbeque sauce

It's not often that I get to use that line! We had homemade pizza at school today. We didn't have that many students today, so there was a lot extra. I decided to have a piece and selected one with a thin crust. When I took my first big bite I realized that it had barbeque sauce instead of pizza sauce. Apparently, some of the kids love it so they made several with it. I found it quite disgusting and discreetly tossed it.

For the most part I'm still doing fine with the food, and when I get even a reasonable amount of sleep it's definitely easier. Last night was pretty good. I bought more chocolate to replace the stuff I ate last week, but left it in the van. I'll take it to work for the students tomorrow and I suspect I won't get any kids to the side door on Saturday, which is fine by me.

I'm learning how to crochet!

Love, elly

Carry on

I'm still feeling like crap. I'm still eating quite well. I'm still not sleeping well. I've still heard no follow up from the board office, and I  believed!?! It's been raining too hard to ride. What to do?? Carry on and keep on carrying on!

Love, elly

Getting there

Today wasn't perfect, food wise, but pretty darn close. If every day was as good as today, I'd be fine. However, some will be worse and some will be better, and that's OK as long as I never give up.

I'm definitely slightly under the weather, but eating well will help that too. I'm going to bed early again.

Love, elly

Makes sense...

When I get run down, even when it's emotional exhaustion, I often get sick. I'm starting to get a sore throat and sinus congestion. Sigh.
When I eat like I have been I can gain a lot of weight in a short period of time. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 209 lbs, and I deserve every one of them. Probably my worst day of the last 2 weeks included supper, followed by a big bag of chips, a box of ice cream bars, and a 20 pack of Halloween kit kats. Sigh.
Today was a lot better, but not perfect. I'm going to bed early.
Love, elly

A promise is a promise!

I've started early, so I can get a decent comment made before I crash.

There have been a number of misunderstandings since I started this process of asking for help to have a respectful workplace, particularly between the principal, Nicole, and the HR woman, Paula. While I've been frustrated by the delays this has caused, I appreciate that it's also allowed me the time to get more clarity about what I want.

Friday afternoon I met at the board office with the wellness manager, Jo, and the HR sidekick, Mary. I reviewed my notes with them, including some past history of the times I have tried to resolve issues with this woman. After some questions, Mary reviewed the options of meeting with the bully(I think it's confusing to say her and I don't want to use her name), using the principal, a mediator or Mary to facilitate, or to file a formal complaint, so they can interview witnesses and discipline her if they find evidence of harassment. I don't like any of these options.

I told them that if I could have my preference, I would like to have her supervisor, who is Dr Brenda Kenyon and the mental health lead for the board, do a coaching/ counseling session with the bully. I respect her and so does the bully. I'm hoping that if she could get the message across to her, without any threat of discipline, her ego may remain intact and we might have the best chance of actually developing a better relationship. I think being investigated and/or disciplined would be so embarrassing to the bully that it has the potential to do more harm than good. I also think that it would be very difficult and polarizing to a small staff, who don't want or need to get caught in the middle of this crap.

They have agreed in principle to do exactly that. I would need to meet with Brenda first, and I'm fine with that. They assured me that they would not allow the delays that have already happened to continue. They told me they're sorry for what I've been through and they want to help make it better. I believe them. I also was able to clarify that if this doesn't work and I go ahead with a formal complaint, I want to move schools.

One question that Mary asked me while I was there was did I feel like the bully's apology was sincere. I do believe it was, even though she was also trying to excuse or minimize responsibility by making the comment about being on the spectrum. I think she was embarrassed because she knew how awful she'd been. It helped me to realize that.

One way or another, I know I'm coming to the end of it. I'll be glad when it's over. I'm really trying to get a grip on my eating without waiting for it to be resolved. The reality is that it may never be completely resolved and I need to learn to respect myself around food as much as by standing up for myself.

Happy birthday to my very good friend and sister, Cory, on Friday. Happy fifth birthday today to Adrian, one of my most precious gifts! I'm crazy about you!

Love, elly

Exhausted

Physically and emotionally, just exhausted. Of course, eating the way I am is exhausting too.

Celebrated Cory's birthday today with her family.

Tomorrow, I promise!

Love, elly

Tell you tomorrow

Just too tired tonight.
Love, elly

Better, but not quite there...

Got to the pool and walked the dogs. Ate better for most of the day. I'm just not quite making it.

Pete, usually I still can find the compassion for her, but other times I'm triggered by hearing her bullying others and I know there's still so much potential for her to continue. There's compassion and then there's stupid and as long as I haven't found a way to keep safe around her, I get anxious. The anxiety starts the negative thoughts, which go around and around in my head and I hate it. I hate that I can't keep focused on positive things. I'm pretty sure I'm still not depressed, but I find it hard to be on guard all the time, because I eventually realize I'm feeling angry again. I'm angry that I'm giving her so much power over me, and I still get out from under it, I just can't seem to stay out.

I had a wonderful supper with Jay's 3 girls and love them to bits!

Love, elly

The struggles continue

I ate somewhat better today. I did get to the gym, but had very little energy. I managed a short walk at lunch and took the dogs out after work. I still don't have much energy.

The board wants me to file an official complaint and then they'll decide if they will investigate. Great.

Today a coworker told me that her highness told her that she had been insensitive to someone and she should get better at that. The coworker asked if it was me she was referring to. Biatch is talking about me, even if she didn't mention my name. Nice action for a social worker eh?? I'm pretty fuckin' discouraged.

I'm actually hoping that my mood is directly related, cause otherwise I'm gonna get nervous!

Stay golden, ponyboy!

Love, elly

Trouble

While I'm definitely feeling that I'm experiencing some trouble, I'm encouraged that it's starting to look like our country is in less trouble. Even though it's not how I voted, I don't blame anyone for voting in a way that would ensure that Steven Harper didn't get to destroy our country any further. Thank god!

Kelly helped me move my bed again on the weekend, putting it directly under the window beside my neighbours driveway, to get some more fresh air. However, I had to get up at 4 AM to close the window because the exhaust from his truck was drifting in, right on top of me. Quite disgusting!

I struggled to get up this morning, didn't get to the gym and didn't weigh in. Not that I needed that to figure out that I'm struggling to come back from my set back last week. I'm doing fine at work, even though I still don't think they'll do anything about her behaviour. She asked me again today if I wanted to talk to her and I just told her "no thanks".

So, I'm going to bed, hoping that tomorrow will allow me a clearer head with healthy choices.

Love, elly

I might need a kick in the ass!

...maybe stepping on the scale in the morning will do it! It seems I've been making a lot of excuses lately and my challengers are falling down on the job!

Thanks to Tim and Jen for the lovely dual birthday party yesterday. Thanks to Kelly for help sorting paperwork today!

Love, elly

It's on the table!

I didn't realize that the principal had decided to move the note from "her" mailbox, where it's been sitting all week, and slide it under her door. "She" called me out of class this afternoon, put her arm around me as we're walking to her office and said, "I'm such a duffus". When we got to her office she says, "I'm so sorry, sometimes I think I must be on the spectrum". By this time, I've realized that she must have seen my note, but I asked, to confirm. Then I told her I couldn't talk about it. She says, "come and get me when you want to talk and I'll make time for you". I just repeated that I couldn't talk about it and went back to class.

I find it mind boggling that she could actually think that I still want to discuss anything with her unless it concerns a student. The number of times over the last 4 1/2 years that I have tried to talk to her, or defend myself from her accusations is unbelievable. I've also involved the principal (and past principals) and the wellness coordinator in the past too, so it should be well documented how hard I've tried. I also find it kind of offensive for her to excuse her behaviour by saying she must be on the autism spectrum. I know lots of kids on the spectrum who would never be as mean as she is.

When I told the principal "she" had tried to talk to me, she said that she'd finally gotten a response from HR and they wanted to discuss it on Monday. They also suggested that OSSTF has mediation that we could use. I've already told them I'm not sitting with a board mediator, so I'm not sure why they think I'd want one from OSSTF.

I think it's sad, but I really don't think that they're going to do anything about it, so I'm glad that I've made a decision that gives her the least ammunition to harass me any further. I didn't fall apart and I survived just fine. I think I'll be even stronger if she ever pulls anything like this again too. I admit I stuffed my anxiety down with food the rest of the day, but I'm done now.

I'm looking forward to celebrating a few birthdays tomorrow!

Love, elly

Feeling weird

But not in the usual way. I was cooking supper and suddenly started to brown out. I sat down immediately so I wouldn't fall down and the feeling eventually passed. Now it's a few hours later and I have a horrible headache. I hope to sleep it off, whatever it it.

Love, elly

Still waiting for the hammer to fall

Well, she obviously hasn't read my note yet, because she asked me today if she was allowed to meet her supervisor. She does nothing but criticize and mouth off but when she gets called in, she suddenly wants my opinion...unbelievable. I just told her, I'm not the strike captain, which she already knew.

Regardless of the anxiety I still feel about her reaction, I ate well, walked at lunch and worked hard. I think I'm gonna be OK!

Pete, I don't wanna punch her in the mouth, but I admit that I would take some perverse pleasure from watching you kick her in the teeth...no hands though, you might get contaminated!

Love you all, elly

Almost back

It was a difficult meeting this morning, but I think it went well. My principal did not want me to post the apology to the other staff, saying I had already apologized and she didn't think it would be useful. She actually thought it might encourage some of them to blame me more and that I didn't deserve it. She intended to contact the woman at the board office who supervises the social workers to discuss the situation, as she clearly sees it as workplace harassment. They offered me a mediator and I told them I have no interest in discussing anything further with this woman. The principal acknowledged that I've already given her multiple opportunities to sort things out.

I ate really well all day and went out for a walk over lunch. After supper I lost control, but I'm determined that it won't happen again tomorrow. I said I was putting it behind me and that's what I'm gonna do.

Love, elly

Thanks

I'm grateful for so many things on a daily basis, but especially for family this weekend. I'm also grateful that I had the weekend to save me from myself.
On Friday I was so distressed that I asked for help to resolve the bullying situation at work, but I had no clear plan about what that would look like. Then Friday night and Saturday I started to panic about her reaction. She's such an arrogant woman and is certainly not going to take kindly to a complaint. I felt like a terrified kid, thinking about reporting abuse, worried that it would get worse if I said anything.
As a way to get more clear about what I wanted and what might be realistic to expect, I started writing about what happened and how I felt. I wrote it in a note to her, and rewrote it over and over, eliminating anything I couldn't prove or didn't matter.
Then I made a few decisions; first I took responsibility for extending my apology to the rest of the staff who probably felt caught in the middle. I will post that tomorrow. Second I resigned as chief negotiator of the bargaining unit and asked our provincial negotiator to step in. Third I finished a draft letter to her, which I'm taking to the meeting tomorrow. If they don't have a problem with it, I'll pass it on.
I learned so much, mainly that I won't change her, but I can protect and stand up for myself...I can change. I also value and appreciate the contributions I have made to the bargaining unit. As long as I believe, no one can take that away from me. My union career hasn't ended like I expected it would, like so many other things in life. And that's OK!

Love, elly

Thinking

I've had lots of anxiety the last few days, but I'm also doing some thinking. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have made enough sense of it that I can share. In the meantime, I'm moving through it.

Love, elly

Choices

I made lots of them yesterday, as we all do every day. Most of my bad ones were about food. However, I also made some good ones that were about taking care of myself.

I decided fairly early in the day to ask people at work who are involved in our strike action to consider taking over for me as strike captain. I then called our provincial negotiator to have some discussion about our local negotiations. He called me back and said that he will absolutely take over as spokesperson at our local table. He also understood totally the stress of people in the local sites not having any understanding of the toll it takes being the person who stands up to take on leadership in these positions. He suggested that I take a few days to consider if it would be better and healthier for me to stop everything, even the local table negotiations. I'm thinking about it.

I asked my coworkers to meet at the end of the day, and after some coercion from the person who's been bullying me, someone else agreed to take over. This person also made reference to "our big fight" during this brief discussion.

I didn't go to work today. I've spent most of the morning crying and thinking. I called our wellness person at the board office, told her what's been going on, and asked for help. If it can't be resolved, I need to move to another school. She suggested that I go back to the principal and ask her to help resolve the problem. I've set up an appointment with her and the principal for early Tuesday morning.

I'm pretty anxious about facing her bullying and addressing what's going on, but I figure I have nothing to lose. I just want her to leave me alone and not talk to me.

Interestingly, I'm not depressed. I'm sad and angry, but not depressed. The food decisions will sort themselves, as I sort through this.

Now I'm going for a walk.

Love, elly

Teetering

...on the brink! I did fine all day and then totally lost it tonight, eating cookies (not homemade) and candy, which I'm not even a big fan of. Yuck!!

Sigh, tomorrow is another day and another opportunity.

Love, elly

Better

Nothing like a pile of shit to put things into perspective. I was going to relate all the gorey details, but don't want to relive them. Suffice it to say that our social worker, who's not my favourite person, got her shit in a knot and took it out on me. It actually helped me to be determined not to buy into her junk and do what I need to do, which is take care of me...I did much better today! It's exhausting though and I'm pooped. (Probably all the shit!) I wonder if that's why I've struggled a bit with constipation lately too!!

That's all I've got tonight except that I believe the onceler does have it right, thanks Pete!

Love, elly

Oh oh!

Today was the first day since the start of the school year that I went into the kitchen to get food.  It was a busy afternoon, but then I kept right on eating after I got home. It's mostly stress from the sanctions, but its also possible that I'm going to sabotage now that I'm below 200 again. Regardless, I need to find some other way!

I weighed in at the Y at 198 lbs, down 1 lb since last week. I haven't set a new goal, but think it's probably the perfect time. 195 it is.

Oh, and Pete, I only rearranged the furniture when it became my idea, a year later. So far, I like it!

Love, elly

Oops!

I usually blog in bed on my tablet. Last night I read for a while, fell asleep, woke up again on time, but wasn't willing to get back out of bed to reset the router so I had no internet connection.

I'm pretty sure it would have been a really fantastic post, but unfortunately for me (probably fortunate for you!), I've forgotten most of it.

What I do remember is admiring the look of pure joy on my son's face as he listened to his boys talking to him. He is so present when they want to tell him something and it makes me feel so happy.

I also got some wonderful news from a dear friend who is becoming a grandparent in the spring, after years of accepting the fact that it would probably never happen to her. I was just filled with such joy that she will get to experience the wonder of that uniquely precious experience, as its still the very best thing in my life!

Today I rearranged my furniture; putting the bed at the front of the house and the living area further back. When I first moved down here, every single person told me to put it that way, but I really wanted to wake up being able to see out the window to the yard. I love seeing the trees swaying in the breeze and watching the birds. However, because it's the area that you walk into, people often sat on my bed rather than move to the living area, so the couches never got used. As it gets darker I can't see much out there anyway, so I thought I'd give it a try. The nice thing is that if I don't like it, it's all in one room and I just slide it around again. There's not really a convenient spot for the TV, but I really only watch anything when the kids are here. I might have to get some opinions about relocating it.

I'm feeling grateful.

Love, elly

Still tired

...but plodding along and doing ok. Going to bed.

Love, elly

Tired

I'm not sure I'm up for this labour unrest; not that I have much choice, but I sure don't like it! The energy at work is high anyway because we have a lot of new students who are pretty interesting characters, and this is adding a tension that we could do without.

I'm imagine that my physical tired is all about the same thing, which means I came home from work and nibbled for quite a while before going to bed. Jessie was to come for a visit but she cancelled so we'll do it another time.

I guess that's all I have the energy for tonight; love, elly