Career low

I'm not supposed to talk about it, but suffice it to say this is the lowest point in my work life. Most board admin never appreciate the work of support staff, but getting acknowledgement that the ministry doesn't either is a kick in the pants. Oh well, I guess we're gonna do what we need to do to help them understand! Wish us luck!

One thing I love about these provincial meetings when we have them is that they feed us well; good fresh food, very well prepared and served. Mmmm.

No biking today, Toronto is too far.

Love, elly

Content

I rode my bike in the rain to the clinic at the general. My blood pressure is good and I'm only 7 lbs over my weight a year ago. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks I'm a success. The Dr even told me that almost everyone gains a little bit back, but the fact that I had gained some and was losing it again was a good sign that the lifestyle changes are solid. He didn't know exact percentages but assured me that he believes the program will continue. I impulsively hugged him and thanked him when I was leaving and he hugged me right back! It was wonderful to see the other staff too.

The rest of the day was quiet, ending with a lovely meal with Tim's family...thanks!

Love, elly

Hey...

Here I am, still!

I went to Pilates with Jen and Anne tonight. The best part? Seeing Adrian, Aubrey and Penelope before and after!

I'm going to ride my bike to the General tomorrow for my appointment at the clinic, and then to work from there. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, I'll be in Toronto all day for a meeting regarding our negotiations, which have reached an impasse. (Fuck!)

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 199 lbs, and considering the ups and downs and celebrations this week, I'll take that, thankfully!

Love, elly

Whoa!

The last few days kind of got away from me, but I'm trying to get a grip. Friday evening I had supper with my sisters and ate a ridiculous amount of delicious food that Betty prepared. It was a short visit before Stella returns to the east coast. I fell asleep before posting. Saturday I actually totally forgot about it; an indication that I'm a little disconnected. Today I had my MRI on my cervical spine, which won't show anything except that I'm old!

Part of the reason I've been feeling off is that I have my 2 year check up this week. I don't feel any pressure to be in a better place personally, but I admit some concern about whether or not the data will rank me as a failure, evidence that the program doesn't work...that would really upset me because I believe it does work. If I can survive the winter from hell and still be fairly healthy, I'm hoping it will be good enough. I would hate to see it cancelled! I opt for thinking positive.

Love, elly

Back from the brink!

Yesterday I had a meeting at the district office, which holds some awful memories for me. The meeting was fine and went well, but I was anxious all day, concerned that I would run into someone I didn't want to see. When I got home from the meeting, I should have blogged and gone to bed, but I ate instead. Then I had a terrible night, mostly because I ate.

I thought I turned it around, went to the pool and went to work, but by noon, I was in the kitchen, eating, tired and discouraged. It took me an hour to figure out that I needed sleep, to get resettled, so I left work, came home and went to bed.

Several hours later, I feel like I'm my normal (weird) self again. I really wish I didn't need to keep figuring this stuff out all over again and again. On the other hand, I'm grateful that I figure it out over and over, because it means I'm not giving up.

We had a staff social tonight; I didn't go. Good decision. I've had a simple light supper and am gonna take the dogs for a walk before I go to bed. I guess I'm gonna make another appointment with the eye doctor too, as she said it should be better by Wednesday or to come back...

You can see the inside lower lid isn't making contact with the eye.

Seen from this angle, you will notice the upper lid almost hangs over the lashes completely!

I'm stuck in the middle of the page here, so signing off...Love, elly

Tired and a little sore

...but still good. The school gym class is adding a strength component to my pool and bike routine that is challenging my core. Lots of times modeling is the most useful for the students, so I'm happy to oblige.

The tired seems more manageable since I've decided to just go to bed if I'm tired. Sometimes that means I'm awake again by 2 am, but it's better than trying to stay awake and ending up eating the whole time. I'm only using the melatonin maybe once a week to help get caught up when I get too far in the hole and I can live with that.

I'm starting to accept that both of the possibilities for the problem with my eye are likely true. It is still slowly improving, but my lower lid continues to fall away from the eye causing continuing irritation. I remember a few years ago before Knight lumber on Raglan St closed, seeing a man who worked there whose lower lids were completely bogged out leaving his eyes bloodshod from the irritation...I can't help but wonder if that will eventually be my fate too. My upper lids are only held out of my eyes by the lashes and have been so for several years already. I'm truly grateful for my vision so I'm continuing with the cold packs and patience!

Love, elly

Yeah!!

I broke the 200 lb barrier and weighed in at 199 lbs this morning at the Y. My new goal will be to maintain the general calm about eating and reach 190 lbs. I know I can do it!

I'm sitting with an ice pack again, because about 6:30 it was getting quite irritated and it made me realize that for most of the day it felt pretty good...progress!

Love, elly

Evidence

We had to get mom to help with the pic this morning!

It was a quiet day after they went home until 4 when I joined the Slessors for dinner and a movie and then quiet again. I've iced my eye several times and I'm not sure if it's helping or not. I can't wait to get back to the pool in the morning, but also need to do my fasting blood work so I'm getting up early so I can hopefully do both before work.

My friend Carol's husband died Friday morning. It was quick and that's a blessing, but still hard. They are having a private service and then the hard part will start...learning to live life without him. I'm arranging a get together with our 2 old friends cause it's been too long and I never know when I will get another chance to see them.

Typing with one eye covered is still a pain!

Love, elly

Round 2

The girls have gone home and the other Crowe kids have replaced them. I wasn't as well prepared for pics what with juggling bags, formula, pull ups and miss P herself, so I'll try to get a few for tomorrow.

I thought my eye was improving but it's driving me crazy tonight. I'm currently holding my tablet over my face with an ice pack balanced over the eye, trying to see enough to type. That's it for tonight, I'm afraid!

Love, elly

Sleepover!

It must still be summer if we're having a sleepover, cause sleepovers are awesomely wonderful!

This is a nice way to end a hectic week. I started the day off badly, deciding to have blood work done that I need before my upcoming checkup at the bariatric clinic. Since I can't go to the pool anyway this week, I figured I'd go down before 7 when they open and get it over with before work. I'm standing in the kitchen eating my egg, going over what I had to do before leaving and realized right away that I didn't need to bother...it's a fasting test!!

I got out to the eye Dr at lunch time and she thinks I have a virus. She figures that another few days should take care of it, she gave me some drops to make it a little more comfortable and told me to put cold compresses on to reduce the inflammation. Sounds good to me! The alternative she suggested was that because my lids are so droopy, they could actually be flipping inside out while sleeping. That doesn't sound quite as nice to me, so I'm sticking with the first option!

Supper out with my girlies and now we're ready for bed! Good times!

Love, elly

Better

Today I figured out how to "unfriend" people on Facebook and deleted Bernie and every single relative of his. I have grown quite close to several of them over the years, but it's just too painful to see constant reminders.I was going to message those I was closest to and explain when I realized that some things require no explanation. I was really stunned by how good it felt when I was done. If any of them want to they can get in touch and I suspect that the reality is that they won't. It's OK, I'm ready!

I'm continuing to love riding my bike and my phys ed class! I won't be able to ride tomorrow as I managed to get an appointment to have my left eye checked out at lunch time. It's really been bothering me for over a week now. Then after work I'm meeting Jason's girlies for a sleepover and getting a haircut. Nice way to end the week.

I received paperwork in the mail today about the human anatomy program at the university of Guelph. It sounds like it will be a good fit for me to donate my body, but I'll have to step up my goals...they won't accept me if I'm over 200 lbs! Just one more reason to keep on keeping on!

Love, elly

Sad

I know I'll get over it and eventually the sadness will pass, but tonight I'm having a good old cry. Maybe this is the last of the heartbreak I've been struggling with for almost 2 years. Maybe now I can start healing. Even though I know that I need to let go, it's still really hard some days and today is one of those days. Regardless, the current emotions will not rule me. I might be cracked (pun intended) but I'm not broken!

On a positive note, work is challenging and wonderful. Plus, I'm in a phys. ed. class period 1, so I get to start the gym being active; yahoo!! Tomorrow we're doing a fit test and today I planked for a min, 10 sec. It isn't much, but more than twice what some of the kids did!

Thank you all for knowing my worth, believing in me, and loving me! elly

To bed

It's only 8:45, but I'm not gonna make that mistake again. I only slept about 2 hours last night and I'm exhausted.

Thanks Tim and Jen for the great supper and doggie bag!

Love, elly

Continue

Still having a tough time getting words together. It's like I'm trying to isolate from myself! Weird...

Regardless, I had a great day at work and then came home and ate. I knew by 6 that I'd probably be ok if I'd gone to bed, but that just seemed ridiculous. I'm really torn in that circumstance because if I go to bed, then I'm awake at 2, but if I don't then I just eat until I do. I'll keep sorting!

I went to the Y to shower after my walk so that I could weigh in. I guess I'm still making some progress, even though I'm going up and down a bit. Down to 201 lbs today, one more to my goal.

I also had some pinched nerves in one leg and the opposite arm; 10 min in the hot tub just doesn't have the same effect as the pool! I'm still riding and that's going well.

Thanks for the love, elly

Break

I just couldn't get motivated to put something into words. They weren't perfect eating days, but they weren't horrible either. I've stopped trying to guess how much I'll pay for the choices I've made, but know that if I don't get back to writing, I will start to slide, so here I am.

It was a busy, but wonderful weekend, to market with some of the gang and helping Tim in the basement on Sat and swimming and game day today. It was lots of fun playing games, both individually and as a whole group with all the kids! I even resisted Jen's peach cobbler, which looked and smelled fantastic! I had a peach when I got home instead.

First day of regular classes tomorrow and the pool is closed for the week! I will have to walk instead and not only does that hurt more but the weather has a big impact too. I will also try to ride to work all week.

Thanks for family treasures.

Love, elly

Check

Surgery done, check.
Wonderful afternoon with Paula, check.
Great supper with Anne, Emily, Grace and Paula, check.
Healthy eating, check.
Ready for bed, check!

Love, elly

Relief

I spent a lovely afternoon with Paula, and got good news from the surgeon. He suspects a genetic cancerous predisposition is responsible for her several melanomas at this early age, but is not concerned about any node involvement. He will excise a larger wedge from her ear tomorrow, looking to get a 5 mm margin of healthy tissue around the latest one, and then stitch it together...all good news!

Love, elly

Settled down

Being ashamed doesn't help anything, so I'm done with that!

It was a busy productive day at work, with no food temptations! I took my ninja so I'll have it to make my smoothies. I also took food for the week so I can ride my bike the rest of the week...except tomorrow. I appreciate the return of routine.

I was a little discouraged to find a gift bag with girl guide cookies and tootsie roll pops on my door handle when I got home. It was a thank you for trying my tenants hair red for her! Anyway, I got over that too, putting the treats with the kids snacks and covering them with my "fat" pants.

I accidentally discovered the "everything" flavour of fold-its and love them! I had 2 with ham and cheese for supper.

Pete, I need you, so don't be slackin'!

Love, elly

Ashamed

For the first time in quite a while I'm really pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I weighed in at the Y at 202.5 lbs, up 1/2 lb. It's funny that I can be OK with whatever the weight is and focus strictly on the health, and get right back on track after minor setbacks, but then it becomes like I forgot that they actually happened and still get my hopes up that my weight will go down. As soon as I saw the weight I remembered the transgressions, but I was already disappointed in my reaction. Somehow I knew that it was going to be bad, and while it was a wonderfully enjoyable day spent with some of my favourite women in the world, I still managed to consume more than my daily calories after 3 pm. It was the worst pigfest I've had in a long time and I'm pretty sure I was just feeling sorry for myself. It's over, but I'm still embarrassed and feeling pathetic.

Better days ahead, stay real...

Love, elly

Anxiety

Just for a little while...otherwise good.

Love, elly

All's well

An enjoyable, productive day, started at the market with the Slessors and my sweet Aubrey. Then a good part of the day spent at Tim's, installing kitchen cabinets in the basement apartment, and ending with supper at Mary's. All's well that ends with supper at Mary's!

Love, elly

Quiet day

Daniel spent the day with me, as he puked all day yesterday. He was still at it this morning, but I gave him some gravol and he started drinking and eating shortly after. We had lots of snuggles, watched some movies and played some quiet games. I made some pear/applesauce with the pears Pete sent home with me off their trees and I love it; Daniel, not so much. Really, he hated it! Then we made mini pizzas on the barbeque for supper and Kelly and Sam joined us.

It was a gift!

Love, elly

I forgot!

Not posting, I just decided I was too tired yesterday when I got home from Pete and Roos, but work! I lazed about before going to the pool this morning. I checked my phone, to make sure I wasn't missing something scheduled, cause I thought I might have had something on, but nothing. When I got there, I found out that one of the pool regulars had died on Monday. I was getting information about the service from the front desk when another poolie came in and also stopped for the information. As we walked to the change rooms, he says, "so I guess you're back to work today." OMG, I was so relaxed from my mini vacation that I totally forgot! I guess it's a good thing I happened to mention it to him last week!

I rode my bike as planned and it was a pretty good first day. We are getting time once a month to address the issue of staff burn out because of the high stress we work in, which I think will help. We also were asked to start thinking about the personal goals we want to set for ourselves for the year and I think I might just incorporate my healthy eating plans. It doesn't need to be a direct education link, as long as what you work on will improve your work, which would certainly be the case. Having it be my work focus may also help with some of the issues that are challenging about it at work too.

I wasn't in a funk after work, but I did nibble at some extras, cheeses, yogurt and nuts. Maybe just a little anxiety about those ongoing challenges, but I still didn't consider the nutella! I'm determined!

Love, elly

Yee haw!

No kids, no dogs, my own space and the pool right outside! Such a nice treat to visit with Pete and Roo and so happy to give Kylie a doggie fix that she doesn't often get.

I forgot to mention yesterday that I weighed in at the Y at 202 lbs, so I must have done enough things right even with my  transgressions.

I don't know how I rate the family I have, but words can't express my appreciation and gratitude. I am so blessed with siblings, nieces and nephews, kids and grandkids. Maybe you get sick of hearing it, but when you forget your kids birthday and they send you such a loving heartfelt note that it makes you cry, you truly know the meaning of the word gratitude! I want to make sure that I include my many in laws too, as so many of them feel like family to me.

Before I left Guelph, I had a meeting with the director of the board. I was pleased with how it went, I felt that she heard and appreciated my input and she committed to continuing to address the concerns. I appreciate that I took the trouble to go and talk to her and speak up about my concerns.

That's it, a pretty close to perfect day.

Love, elly