Hanging out

For the next few days, Grace, Em, and I will be hanging out together; getting haircuts, nails done, reading, watching movies, playing games, walking dogs, and belching...lots of belching. Oh and ice cream...lots of ice cream.

Love, elly

Joyful moments

I tried 3 different days to post some pictures of the people who have been making my life bearable. Unfortunately, I've either lost the ability to perform said task or the technology just won't cooperate.

Some of my favourites were of Larry talking with Daniel and Sam, and other shenanigans, Grace and Penelope reading together and Penelope walking Phyllis down the sidewalk. I'm truly blessed.

I've been fortunate enough to spend time with lots of people I love as well, and even feel like I've been helpful from time to time. The rest of the time I spend trying to convince myself that I'm no crazier than anyone else I know. My self care seems to be going to the dogs, but I get up every day (eventually) and try again.

It'll be another busy week with Em and Grace visiting, and appointments later on.

I'll just keep on swimming!
Love, elly

It's a good kind of tired

However, the aches and pains I could do without! I gardened all day yesterday, and today I painted all day at Tim's. It's been a while since I spent that much time on a ladder, but it honestly feels like the best way to deal with the anxiety, so I'm doing what works.

I'm really looking forward to a visit with Larry tomorrow, sleepover with Sam and Daniel, and then Jen and Tim's crew on Saturday! Yeah for all the lovelies in my life!

Love, elly

Patience

...has never been my strong suit. However, I'm gonna learn to get better and better at it. I remember years ago trying to physically force the feelings out of my belly, and I could never get enough pressure to push it out. I'm realizing again that the gentle easy way might take longer, but I believe it will be more effective.

Today Talaria had me practice a calming technique that we will continue to work on as we progress through the desensitization section of the treatment. She had me go through it once and then start by describing a very low stress situation, then following with the exercise. Next appointment we will also continue to do more work with my parts, to which I have added ashamed and daredevil.

I asked her before I left when she thought we might start on the reprogramming part and she told me that she is consulting with someone else later in the week, but she suspects that we will have 10 or 12 sessions to firmly establish the desensitization and make sure that she understands what's going on with all my parts. She said that this is partly because she thinks I have complex PTSD, rather than simple. The biggest difference apparently is that in complex, your body actually feels like you're going to die. I guess it explains a lot about why I feel this so much in my body. It was a little disappointing to know it will take this long, but I do feel like it's the right approach for me.

I also think I might have to make a career change, because it seems when I'm most anxious that pulling up weeds, digging in the dirt and planting things is exactly what I need. I've had to spread my skills to Kelly's and Tim's houses!

I also faced something about my marriage today that wasn't easy, but it went better than I feared. Onward and upward!

I claim my right to calm, healthy, healing energy.
Love, elly

Awesome day

Every aspect and part of family life, all generations and relations, are the true definition of love. I'm truly blessed!

Love, elly

Sybil?

I'm still excited about my session this afternoon, but when I thought about describing it, I immediately thought, they'll think I'm nuts! Which, of course, I am, but you already knew that.

Initially I was disappointed not to be getting to the reprogramming yet. However, my friend Lee, who does this work, assures me that the more prework that's done, the safer people feel, and the more effective in the long run.

Apparently, the brain stores memory related to trauma in a different way than regular memories. With a regular memory, if you get new information, you can change your perception of what happened, thereby changing how you react or respond to it. However, with trauma memories, the brain isolates them, so they are not available to new knowledge or learning. As well, every time that memory is triggered, the brain increases it's stone walls around that memory, to the point that you may eventually not be able to function in a world where we must change and adapt on a daily basis to thrive.

So today we started a dissociation table. I imagined a safe room with a table where I sat and I invited as many parts of me as I felt comfortable with, to sit at the table. As far as I can remember, I brought angry, sad, scared (terrified), smart, scared of smart, generous, joyful, and possibly one more, who I can't remember. No Pete, it wasn't forgetful! Then we started looking at each part, identifying an age associated with it, and looking at jobs, conflicts and alliances between each part, etc. It was very informative, interesting, and even entertaining at times, as I imagined the interactions between them. I'm so grateful for the 20 plus years I've already spent in counseling, because I'm not sure I'd feel this comfortable otherwise. Having said that, it's not a party.

I'm hopeful.
Love, elly

Up and down

The last 2 days have been a real mix of struggle and comfort. Generally, I'm more anxious in the morning and then often better later on. I'm also still getting a lot of headaches, which the Dr says is from the medication. It's also the reason I opted not to increase it again when I saw him last week. Combined with the shortness of breath I already had from it, it's a good thing it's helping!

I had an adventure today with my daughters in law and their kids. We went to the water park at Bingemans, and got rained out just when we were ready to leave; perfect! We stopped for ice cream on the way home too.

I'm having supper with an old friend tonight and I'm looking forward to that.

I see Talaria again tomorrow, so I'm hoping to make some progress there, so I can eventually decrease or eliminate meds.

I'm worth the trouble!
Love, elly

Rough day

...lots of anxiety. I think it was partly the stress of watching the Olympics, but mostly that I didn't do enough. I didn't accomplish much. So tomorrow if I can't face doing the things that need to be done around here, I'm going somewhere else and do something there.

This, of course, is my fabulous family pic, which is worth waiting for.

Everyone deserves a family.
Love, elly

Birthday party

I had my whole family together at Valens for a day of bbq, games, swimming, boating, fishing, and a family picture. It was wondrous, because they are! Happy birthday to me.

I ate chips and chocolate pecan pie, and lots of other healthy stuff. The icing on the cake (or pie) was that I threw the last piece in the garbage so I wouldn't eat it. It was a day of treats, and that's all.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved; there is no existence without both.
Love, elly

Phew

A short note, as Miss P is having a sleepover.

I had some significant anxiety mid afternoon, but I was waiting to hear that P was up from her nap, so I just decided to go early, visit with Tim & Jen, and snuggle with the boys. Problem solved.

I'm connected to those I love, who love me.
Love, elly

Good, part 2

I'm still concerned that I'm just being too lazy, and that I will have to pay for it eventually. I'm trying really hard to tell that voice to fuck right off! I might have to pay, but not today!

In spite of the fact that I know no one cares about the mundane things I accomplish, it helps me to write them down, so feel free to check out. I slept in because I took half a sleeping pill; yeah! I got to the pool and walked the dogs. I thought about getting my bike out and didn't. I lugged an old table up and put it in the van to drop in Tim's dumpster. I moved my work bench into the shed and put a coat of paint on the table on my patio. I found Daniel's health card which I lost yesterday. I read in the rain on my leaky patio. (This is clearly a passive aggressive approach. I'm hoping when Pete gets back from vacation, he'll see if anything can be done about it!) I bought a hoe, a Dutch hoe. I think it will kill the weeds better than any other kind, don't you?

I went back to the Dr today. Apparently the lingering headaches I have are a result of the medication. I can live with it for now, especially because I really think I will eventually be able to decrease or get rid of it altogether. If not, that's OK too. I see him again in September and I will have had 2 EMDR treatments by then. I love that he makes suggestions and lists options and then asks me what I want to do. He also said weight gain is a side effect, which is good to know. I'm still doing fairly well eating reasonably, but I'm not gonna focus on weight loss right now. I'm not recording or measuring anything, just trying to follow healthy guidelines and amounts. If I lose, fine. If not, my main focus remains to keep feeling better. If the meds mean that doesn't happen right now, OK.

I had a lovely supper with my Mia, followed by a browse through the thrift shop. I found a movie I thought the kids would like, only to discover there was a different movie in the case. I had seen the case for that movie too, and spent 15 minutes looking for it to see if they might have been switched. Paula was to the point where she was telling me I imagined it when I found it, only to discover that it had the same movie inside. I was just glad to prove that I didn't make it up!! Lol

For today, I'm definitely less anxious and less depressed. I'm very blessed to have people who love me. Without them, I'd be nothing. I think that's probably true for everyone.
Love, elly

It was a GOOD day!

My anxiety has become much less visceral over the past few weeks and usually feels much more manageable. I think it's time and medication and grandkids. I know there's more work to do, but it was wonderful to realize what a nice day I had; it's been a while.

I didn't sleep well, so didn't get to the pool, but I walked the dogs and showered before taking Daniel to the Dr to have his plantar wart checked out. The Dr told him to put duct tape on it!! I just adore spending time with this kid...we told jokes while we waited.

I had my hair cut this afternoon, made my bed with sheets dried on the line, got a few groceries and dog chews, and read a while. After a nice supper I took some empty pots to Tim and Jen's and dug up some plants they're getting rid of. Of course, the kids had to help, and it was so wonderful to watch them marvel when they actually got one dug out. They're such a joy! I got them all replanted when I got back and then had a cold shower...eek!! It felt great.

I deserve more days like this! (Unfortunately, at some point I'll have to go back to work!)
Love, elly

Learning for the day

A deacon officiated at the funeral of cousin Ted. He informed us that he's married and has 2 children. He performs the sacraments of baptism, marriage, funerals, among many other things. Apparently in 1967 the catholic church restored the office of permanent diaconate, after Vatican 2. It would have been too late to spare me, but I leaned over to my sisters and said, " They should have a lot more deacons and a lot less priests!" He delivered a nice eulogy, even acknowledging that Molson will miss Ted too.

I did a little checking when I got home because it seemed too good to be true, and, of course, it is. If they're already married, they can become a deacon, but not unless they're over 35. If their spouse dies, they are subject to the same rules of celibacy as priests, and cannot remarry. They also must support their family with a career of their choosing, even after retirement. There's no free room and board, and they must show that they can maintain a good family life, support themselves, and serve the church! Of course, they must also be male. Not quite as peachy as he made it sound, and I don't imagine they'll be flocking there in droves. I find it particularly distressing that they have an obvious belief that it's possible to do all this, so I don't understand why they persist in these ridiculous archaic tenets.

Thanks to the support of my sisters and some of my favourite cousins, I managed quite well. The reception after was at the legion and we decided that if we went, we would be late getting back, so we said our goodbyes and buggered off.

I did some weeding in the garden when we got back, but it was too hot to do for long. I still have a fairly intense headache resulting from my massage yesterday, so I'm taking more drugs.

I'm alive, and deserve to live to my full potential.
Love, elly

Catching up

If I had to name my most prominent feeling lately I would name it disgust. I'm disgusted about how I look, feel, and especially smell. I've been watching it for a few weeks and now that I've had a full 24 hours without grandkids, I've realized that it's all part of the shame. The shame that one picks up when you're young and feel alone, unwanted, and unworthy.

So, having realized why I've been feeling that way, I've decided to take my own advice and accept that all the challenges of my life have made me who I am. I'm going to believe in my worth and value as much as possible, no matter how I smell.

Cousin Ted has reminded me that we have a finite number of days to get it all sorted, so I can't afford to waste any waiting for a treatment that hopefully will help me recover. I'm gonna start recovery while I'm waiting, and continue, and continue.

I had a session with my massage therapist today, and I cried during most of it. Not because I was in pain, but rather because she was able to help me let go of some grief and anger that's been trapped in my body for decades. I'm so grateful for her, and the most important lesson I've learned from her is not to force it, but gently let it go. She's a treasure!

I shopped today for clothes to wear to Ted's funeral, because nothing fits me, but I was selective and got 2 pair of pants and 4 tops for $130., tax included. I'm worth it! Much as I don't like that I'm buying larger clothes, it feels good to have a few things that fit and are comfortable.

I think it's a reflection of my decision that I ate well today, not just sporadically, but all day. Later tonight or tomorrow might be different, but one step at a time. I even rinsed a half carton of ice cream down the drain, so I wouldn't eat it. Again, I might still buy more later, but I won't eat that one!

I'm late for baseball with Tim's gang so catch you later.
Love, elly (I'm worth it!)