tough day

...but it's it's over. So is this year so happy New year and we'll talk again next year!

Love, elly

feeling lazy

I stayed in bed late again, reading. I did still go to the pool, and met some friends for lunch. I hung a few pictures up in the kitchen, and hung a closet door on the furnace room. Otherwise, it was a very laid back day, until Aubrey puked all over me. It's amazing to me how difficult it is to get rid of the smell, cause it's nasty, but the dogs were so excited, they could hardly stand it. I'm sure they would have licked me clean if I let them! Of course, they'll eat shit too, so you can see where their tastes like!

That's all for today.

Love, elly

things I did well today

I stayed in bed late, reading.
I went to the pool, even though it was just for 20 min.
I went shopping with Cory, Mary and a few of the younger ones; I bought 6 new sweaters and blouses for $89.
I removed all the pocket flaps from the back pockets of all my fleece lined pants. They are always curled up, folded over and sticking out...no more!
I took the Christmas lights down.
I read.
I knit.
I had a nap.
I finished a jigsaw puzzle that Adrian and I started.
I posted my apartment ad on kijiji, with pictures.
I went out for supper with an old friend to the Mandarin; I left everything on my plate that wasn't really delicious, and had a bit of pineapple for dessert.
I weighed in at the Y at 188 lbs, for a total maintained loss of 106 lbs and 8 more to my next goal. I am especially pleased that I have managed as well as I have during the holidays.
I let go of a little judgment.

Love, elly

sorting stuff out

The last few days have been relaxed and restful...ok maybe not restful, but restorative. I'm very grateful.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about the end of my marriage, as it's about a year now. Some thoughts are getting more clear and I hope they continue to do so. The anger is battling it out with the compassion and acceptance, which I know will win out in the end. I promise to keep you posted.

Love, elly

instead of a post...

...grandkids!! Adrian and Aubrey are sleeping, but Penelope is still thinking about it.

Love, elly

another good one

The only hard thing about the day was that the Slessors were all sick and couldn't come. Otherwise, it was a perfectly wonderful day.

Love, elly

Christmas blessings

I've known for a long time that I'm very blessed. It's especially nice to have a day when I'm consciously thinking about my many gifts and appreciating them, which I did most of the day.

I did overeat at supper at Mary's house, which is difficult not to do. The turnip souffle and the stuffing were divine, and the green beans with pine nuts and bacon is one of my favourites. I was smart enough not to waste any calories on the turkey, and again didn't have any chocolate or refined sugar. This at least enables me to stop at some point... I feel pretty good about it!

Kelly's family has been quite I'll and they will likely not make it to our family gathering tomorrow, which seems wrong, but what can we do? Those Winnipeg germs are apparently  quite hardy!

I'm going to snuggle under my electric throw.

Love, elly

Christmas eve and all's quiet

It was a busy morning with Adrian, Aubrey and Penelope, but the rest of the day was quiet, ending with supper and an insane crossword puzzle with Paula. Now I'm tired.

Merry Christmas and good night all!

Love, elly

reality

I'm still working on acceptance of my reality, but today was definitely a better day. I'm letting go of my grief as much as I can, and trying to focus on the positive.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 191 lbs, for a total maintained loss of 103 lbs, and 11 more to my next goal. Pretty reasonable, considering several Christmas gatherings, and my blow out last night. Even during the celebrations that I decided to have some extras, I had no chocolate and no refined sugar; a big accomplishment.

I'm grateful for my life and owning it.

Love, elly

from a little muddled to a little maudlin

Playing hooky for a few days simply and quickly reminds me why I do this, to stay connected to what's really going on inside. I had some anxiety today, brought on by some last minute shopping, which only troubles me when I'm already a bit maudlin.

I think the reason for that is that I've been thinking about the fact that it's been a year since Bernie left. He told me some time ago that he was going to respond to my letter to him, which is what triggered his decision to leave. He hasn't done that and while I've accepted his decision, I'm still heartbroken about it. Part of me wants to ask him again to do it and I've gone over that scenario several times in my head. I always come to the same conclusion, and that's that it's one of those letters that can be written but not sent. I need to let it go, so I'm working on it.

He sent me a "merry Christmas and happy New year to you and yours" text today that felt awful, like something you would say to a stranger. I guess that's really what I am...

I finally changed the beneficiary on my life insurance, after a year, and have one more to do; maybe next year, eh?

I spent a wonderful day with all 5 Crowe kids and their parents at the water park. It was fabulous! Next year I'm going to figure out a way to take them all on some adventure like that.

Knitting continues to get me through a lot, but I lost it very suddenly tonight. I'm over it now and tomorrow is another day.

Love, elly

muddled

It's amazing how quickly I can go from doing well to "where the fuck am I?"

It's 2 am, 2 boys are asleep in my bed, so I'll figure it out tomorrow...wait, tomorrow I'll be at the water park with 2 boys and 3 girls! Soon, I'll figure it out soon!

Love, elly

hooray

Finally, I have a washer and dryer installed upstairs. I've just washed a load and put it in the dryer...pretty exciting! Pretty sad that these are the things I get excited about now, eh? Hopefully sometime in the new year, I will have some great people renting!

It was a rough morning at work, as lots of kids are awfully deregulated right now. Christmas is often very challenging for a lot of them and maintaining compassion is sometimes difficult for us as staff.  I'm very grateful that the staff are so supportive of each other, as they all understand how fragile and precarious our own mental health can be at times, given the conditions we work in. I have been spending the afternoons this week at the public library with a student who has been suspended from another school. I help out when she needs it and otherwise I knit. She's a lovely young woman, like they all are, and the quiet time helped to compensate for the morning.

Tomorrow is our big Christmas dinner at school, and I hope to be able to eat before heading to the library.

I think I'll watch the corner gas movie and call it a night.

Love, elly

yup

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 188 lbs, passing my 190 lb goal, for a total maintained loss of 106 lbs. My new goal is to reach 180 lbs.

Love, elly

energy

...not something I get a lot of very often, but this morning I woke up with lots of it. Often on the weekends I lay in bed reading before I get up, but today I made a pot of soup, cleaned out the fridge, made my weeks worth of oatmeal, did the dishes, sorted the linen cabinet, and was dressed before 8:30.

I put a plumber's snake down the roof vent today, just to prove to myself that it's clear. I had it down 19 feet before I met resistance, and it was perfectly dry upon removal...

I've started my third version of Em's infinity scarf...there may be a fourth...

Pete, I'm pretty sure you need a hat of some kind!!

Love, elly

family

One of my nephews has been a hero and a role model to me for several years. He has overcome some of the most difficult challenges ever, and has reclaimed the productive, generous, loving and honest person he is. When I thanked him for a kindness he showed me, he responded by saying, "that's what family is for." I find it simply amazing that he has such a strong sense of that simple truth, and yet it shouldn't surprise me...it seems to me that I remember his dad telling me years ago that I had to love him, cause I was his family. Right, on both counts!

The last few days I've also been reminded of how much I like my kids. They're not perfect, but they are kind, generous and loving to a fault. They definitely get family and are family in every sense of the word. They work through hurt and pain that has sometimes been hanging around for years, and always do their best to be honest with themselves. Heroes all, to me.

Farmer Gord, who we buy our apples from at the market, and who was married for 58 years, lost his wife this week. His family, kids, grandkids, were all at the market as usual, talking about her and getting hugs from everyone. He always has a bag of candy for the kids and let's them get in the back of the apple truck. They have often reminded me of our own family, and are down to earth, kind and loving.

There really are no words that adequately describe family, but I will settle for saying that I'm grateful, very grateful.

Love, elly

quiet day

I am so fortunate that I love my job. I love the staff and students we work with; they're such great pe. Sometimes it's messy, and that's ok too. It makes me feel normal!

I finished a hat for Madilynne today and started on Adrian's Christmas hat he asked for. Life is good...

I'm feeling stronger every day as far as my resolve to keep addressing my addiction to food. Today, I won. That's all I could ever hope for.

"It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones who win in the lifelong race." Robert W Service

strategies

I have learned that the number on the scale isn't the most important thing, and if I'm doing my best with the circumstances I get handed every day, I'm ok with that. However, the weekly weigh-in, same time, same place, is a good measure of how well I'm managing. Reporting it is neither here nor there to me, as I'm recording this whole blog for my reflection and benefit, and that's just part of it. Being honest with myself is the key.

The blog is another part of maintaining awareness for me. Sometimes I don't even realize how tough or wonderful the day has been until I consciously reflect on it. It's a valuable tool for me, as journaling in the more traditional sense has never worked for me.

Not using any electronics while eating has definitely proven to be very useful to me, as I'm not only more aware when I'm full, but I also enjoy fully the eating itself.

Portion control has been big to learn about. I used to tell myself that if it was healthy, I could have as much as I wanted. NOT! I have realized that I'm satisfied easier with less food, if I'm not doing that. Of course, if I'm out of control, I still try to make the healthiest choices possible.

I'm having weekly meetings with Cory, where I make a simple supper for us and we discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is nothing quite like sharing with someone else who really understands the struggles, and who has also completed the program and is familiar with it. The support is wonderful.

As you all know, my place of work presents it's own special challenges in that food is served 4 times during the school day. Lots of staff and students eat right in the kitchen, and a few eat out in the common area. I try to stay out of the kitchen as much as possible, so that I'm not tempted, and I also bring lots of good food once a week from home, so I have plenty of good food to choose from myself.

I'm not always tracking my intake, but I'm always doing better when I am. If things are starting to get a little sketchy, it's the first thing I return to, if I'm not currently doing so.

I eat every day within a half hour of getting up, and tend to have most or all of my food consumed by 5 pm. Initially I tried saving more of it for the evening, so I could munch on something, but have found that if I make sure that I've had enough during the day, I don't have nearly as many cravings during the evening.

The latest thing that I've discovered is when I'm home alone in the evening, I knit. My hands and mind are busy, it's a nice distraction, plus I'm making hats and scarves like crazy!

As for an update, today was wonderful, except for the sewer back-up that happened while Adrian and Aubrey were in the shower... sigh... Also, last weekend I locked up my finger again. I was just shooing the dogs out, but I had not taped it up yet. Fortunately I was able to pull it open. Needless to say, I've been much more careful about keeping it taped!

Love for the journey, elly

doing ok

I've been motivated finally, to get some things done around here that need to be done. It's been nice. I don't have a whole lot of energy after work, but enough to putter away at things.

The appliance guys are coming next week to hook up the washer/dryer upstairs; yeah!!

Pete, I promise more tomorrow...

Love, elly

tired

I'm not alone, and I'm sure it's at least partly my continuing recovery from bronchitis, but holy crap, by 3:30 I had to lie down.

Best part of my day; Daniel and Sam enjoying the Christmas lights after beavers!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 192 lbs, for a total maintained loss of 102 lbs and 2 more to my next goal.

Love, elly

the best

The best thing about eating clean is the real sense of living in gratitude that I experience. When I can live in the moment as much as possible, it's impossible not to feel grateful.

Last night I watched Penelope sleep; magical that a small child can inspire such awe. I listened to her breathing and it was the best gift.

I bought 2 Christmas lights this year. I have given away all the rest of them as they're too much work for me to put up and down. I have one in front and one in back, a multi-sided rotating globe with red, green and blue leds that shine through. In the back, when it reflects off the fantastic roof of my patio and shines in my window, it looks like the Aurora Borealis.

Today I hiked with Tim and his kids. I was simply wonderful, in spite of our misadventures with snowpants and pit stops.

Twice now, I have eaten 5 macadamia nuts. Not 5 bags, or 5 cups, but 5 nuts. Just so you understand how significant this is for me I must tell you that I'm not a big fan of walnuts or Brazil nuts, but I love peanuts, hazelnuts, almonds, cashews, and pistachios, and my most favourite are macadamias!

Tomorrow I get to call and have my washer/dryer for upstairs delivered and installed! Thanks to everyone that helped make it possible.

My life; it's the best!

Love, elly

perfection

It was a wonderful day, with family, kindness, food, generosity, talking, cooking, sharing and listening. There were children, with playing and laughing, lots of snuggles, cuddles, running and swinging (thanks, Larry!) Cupcakes got decorated, pies were baked and fun was had by all.

I'm so very fortunate to be blessed with such wonderful people in my life. While we were partying, 2 special people were up on the rooftop, mine that is! I now have a roof vent for my new dryer. Thanks to Pete and Jon for a challenging job, well done.

I was really happy with how I managed my food intake for the day, especially considering all the choices. I treated myself to some delicious brie, and a little whipped cream, shot straight into my mouth.

The most delightful part of my day was having Princess P coming for her first sleepover. She is just so perfectly precious.

Treasures all.

Love, elly

good day, eh

Love, elly

I forgot

I forgot how good it feels to eat simply. It's been an awesome day that has me feeling like I found myself again. I only peed my pants once today, and in spite of the fact that I'm still trying to cough up a lung off and on, I think I am getting better. I stayed home again today and rested, watched cheesy Christmas movies and put up the tree. I'm super excited about the family Christmas cook off coming up on Saturday. I'm not as excited about the meeting in Toronto tomorrow, but at least it's short.

That's all folks!

Love, elly

recovery

...is slow, as it should be I guess. I took the day off work, cause I peed my pants at least 3 times at work yesterday, didn't have dry underwear, and that's just bullshit! The wheezing and rattling in my chest actually wakes me up, so I'm extra tired too.

I've been binge eating too, which is discouraging, but I got my weekly injection of support from Cory tonight, and feel more able to carry on again. I feel sure when I'm feeling better, that's going to make a big difference too, and I'm cautiously optimistic that I might be turning the corner.

I made a nice supper, with a flatout, a little tomato sauce, spinach, cherry tomatoes and mini bocochini, grilled in the toaster oven. Yummy, satisfying, and good for me.

I've been aware that the negative thoughts have crept in more while I'm not feeling well. I tend to discount all the positive things, and dismiss them, so I'm working on that. Even though I've gained some weight, I can acknowledge that I've lost 100 lbs, that I haven't gained back.

To bed early again, but some knitting first!

"Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that it doesn't get a day off." Demi Lovato

Love, elly

blah

My sinuses have joined in on the game and headaches ensue. Tomorrow will show some improvement, I'm sure.

Love, elly