New day

New tenants moving in.

New chance to unlearn.

New dawn to make a new choice.

New hope for an old broad.

Love, elly

Tired and sore

And grateful beyond measure.
I spent all weekend painting my up house, with help from my kids and grandkids.
Love, elly

Today

I appreciate the rain we got today.
I'm glad I didn't buy a box of ice cream after work.
I enjoyed working with a student who's had a hard time coming to school the last 2 weeks.
I like that I can wear yoga pants to work.
I love looking at the pics of my grandkids on my walls.
9/10 people I work with are a good kind of crazy!!

Love, elly

Brag

I'm not going to pretend that I'm doing well, but I am doing several things well. I am probably struggling a little more emotionally since I got back to a more respectful eating pattern, but that hasn't meant that I stopped. While the emotional discomfort would normally send me running for the fridge, I haven't done so...at least 95 % of the time.

I had a follow up session with the counselor today and I found it went even better than the initial visit. She encouraged me to continue to focus on the positives, as I've been trying to do. She also asked me to tell her what they were so I'd be reminded. She told me that eating, exercising and sleeping well are all part of a good strategy, and to make sure I maintained emotional contact with people I love, because that's also critical.

Today I also got an email from the social worker at the clinic, saying she had another information about the other person who does EMDR, and that she's amazing. I followed up with a phone call and am waiting to hear back from her to see if she might be available before July.

The 2 cedars and the currant bush I planted on the weekend seem to be doing well. I think it's a good sign.

Love, elly

Short & sweet

Some things feel too hard to talk about right now, so I'm going to focus on the good stuff. If that means I'm not writing much, ok.

Tim & Jen have joined a coed slopitch team, which means I get to go along each week to play with the kids. I also usually manage to watch a bit of their game. It's a wonderful way to spend a Tuesday evening. Then when Miss P gets tired we go home for a bath and a battle before bed. ♥

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 222 lbs, 4 less than a few weeks ago.

Love, elly

Got through that!

It felt like quite a bit of anxiety almost all weekend. I managed to distract myself with reading, gardening and getting out with the dogs. The only time I was aware of not feeling stressed was the visit I had with Kelly and the boys. I'm sure it's going to get less again, so I'm just gonna wait it out.

Love, elly

Tired

It was a rather anxiety riden day, and I'm not totally sure why. I have always been stressed by traffic, especially in Toronto, where there's lots of it, but today seemed harder than usual. It was definitely partly that I wasn't driving and so had no control.

It was wonderful to see Larry and he looks great. He seems in good spirits and generally thinking positive. We had a lovely lunch and walked around his neighbourhood, smelling lilacs, and enjoying the sunshine. He's going to be fine!

When I got home I took apart some old garden boxes, turned over some dirt and planted some pansies until I felt better. I'm going to be fine too!

Love, elly

Grateful

I'm grateful that playtex donated a milk crate full of tampons to our students, even though I had to unbox them 2 at a time out of approximately 600 boxes. The ones Peter bought them are almost gone.

I'm grateful to work with some lovely people who like saying fuck.

I'm grateful for the laugh today when the fire alarm went off unexpectedly at school and the fire department couldn't find us. I kind of wish it had been a real fire because the place would have burned down while they were looking for us. Then maybe they would raze the place and start from scratch. When they finally got there, they determined that it was the sensor in the annex that tripped, which is another old building behind the school which we occasionally use. Then no one could find the key for it! I'm grateful that we had to stand out in the sunshine the whole time this comedy of errors was happening!

I'm grateful for grandsons and granddaughters who all have beautiful hair, beautiful smiles, and bad attitudes! I'm grateful for the kind of parents they all have.

I'm especially grateful today for siblings and all the gifts they have brought into my life for so many years.

I'm truly blessed. Love, elly

Tired

I didn't sleep very well last night, but in spite of that, I'm still doing well. I made some phone calls and emails after work, trying to set up an appointment for EMDR. I have a little more follow up to do.

I also sent a follow up email to the women producing the documentary, thanking them, which may not seem like much, but was important to me.

I'm looking forward to visiting with brother Larry on the weekend...♥

I wanted to say more but I'm really too tired, so I'm going to bed.

Love, elly

It's a little scary

...and a whole lot of mind blowing. I almost don't dare to say it but it's obviously true. I'm back and I don't know or care how I got back. It feels as natural as if I'd been eating this way my whole life. Of course, the terrifying scary part is that it could happen again at any time. So be it.

I liked Maureen and spoke easily with her. She reminded me that the events of the past two and a half years would have been challenging for someone not also struggling with PTSD. She also reminded me that the healthy strategies I use didn't all disappear, even though they lessened. She asked what it would take to get my bike out and I said that if I told her I'd have it out by this weekend, then I would. So I told her I would. And I will.

She also told me that the only person at their office doing EMDR is even busier than the first counselor I saw, because they both work with sexual abuse survivors. However, she gave me the name of someone else who's very good, who she's worked with in the past. I'm going to ask the board to pay for it and if they won't, I'm going to do it anyway. I'm worth it.

I feel like I'm home, I'm back. Thanks for waiting.
Love, elly ♥

Recovery

Well, it got much worse after we talked. I was up half the night and I used 3 gravol supositories before I got one to stay in long enough to do any good. I'm not normally a puker, but it was nasty! Both ends and chills etc.

By 11 this morning I decided to risk some food and except for a little headache, I think I'm over it. I did manage to eat fairly well for the rest of the day too, partly because I was still a bit afraid!

Tomorrow I see the new counselor, stop at the clinic and hopefully the board office. I'm not going to our bargaining unit agm, but I did file a final report. I'm ok with it.

Love, elly

Oh shite!

I ate reasonably well all day and I was rewarded by being violently ill tonight. It's coming out both ends and my ass is so sore that I can hardly stand to wipe it. I tried a gravol suppository, but shat it out again before it could do any good. So it's a short story tonight.
Love, elly

Same old

I was out, then the internet was down and today I was without power. After several days, I wish I had something new or encouraging to say, but I pretty much feel the same. I'm anxious, irritable, and a bit depressed. I am looking forward to seeing the new councillor on Wed and also plan to stop in at the clinic.
However, I had a wonderful weekend filled with grandkids, grandkids, grandkids and other family; if only I could just spend all my time with them, I think I'd heal in no time. Or maybe it just wouldn't matter...
Love, elly

Taking stock

I'm aware that I've been feeling kind of hopeless about what I'm eating. This morning, however, I decided to reevaluate. My clothes are all too small or very tight. I put on my fat pants this morning and realized that they are still quite a bit too big for me. So while I'm not where I want to be, I'm also not where I was a few years ago.

Yesterday I decided to call the EAP back and ask to see someone else, who has more availability. I have an appointment for next week and another for the week after. When I called the board office to tell them about the wait time for the first person, they agreed it was totally unacceptable. It doesn't help me to wait for someone who's not available.

I also just finished reading Jian Ghomeshi's apology, the statement of Kathryn Borel, and the CBC's apology to her. It's a start, and in spite of the fact that he's walking away again, I'm more hopeful that things will continue to change for the better. I think she actually accomplished more than she ever could have during a trial and what I appreciate most is that she did it without exposing herself to the prejudice of our uneducated judicial system. Kudos to her!

So while I haven't made a significant change to the way I'm eating, I have been getting out for short walks during the day, I've been getting to the pool more days than not and I'm paying my bills. Im also exploring several options for EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization and reprogramming and is becoming commonly accepted as one of the best ways to treat post traumatic stress disorder.

So that's where I'm at today... hanging in
Love, elly

Feeling better and not

Saturday was kind of brutal, with a raging sinus headache, coughing, sneezing and a sore throat. Sunday, I felt much better and enjoyed the day with family (except for the part where I fell off the swing). Everything seems much better when they're around.
Today was a tough day at work and I came home and ate myself into total discomfort. It didn't help how I'm feeling. I called the board office this morning to ask if they could do anything about the wait time with the EAP, but no one got back to me. I might try my family Dr, although from what I have heard, wait times to see a specialist can be years.
I weighed in this morning at the Y at 226 lbs, so it's no wonder none of my clothes fit.
Love, elly

Sick and tired

Literally and metaphorically. Plus I'm angry that I need to wait almost 2 months for my next appointment. Cranky too, just in case you didn't notice! That's all today.
Love, elly

1st impression

I met with Catherine this evening. It's hard to give some history, talk about concerns, and get suggestions in 50 minutes, but I at least got started. I already feel calmer, because I believe we'll work well together and come up with some strategies that are going to help.

My first priority is to reestablish self care. I'm going to eat whatever I want, as long as I do 3 self care things first. I like it, simple and doable. Right now I'm blogging, I've already brushed my teeth and I'm sipping soda water that I made with my new soda stream when I got home (thanks Jen and Tim).

That all for tonight, I don't want to exhaust myself!!

Love, elly

Anxious

I had a lot of anxiety this morning, but eventually most of it passed. It was kind of nice that my gym class went to the Y today and the girls wanted to swim. I got a second time in the pool and even squeezed in 5 min in the hot tub while they were getting changed.
I'm excited and nervous for my appointment tomorrow.
Love, elly

Time out

For some reason I don't feel able to share very much about what I'm going through right now. I'm hoping that will change later in the week after I see the counselor I've been waiting for.

In the meantime, when I'm with my family, especially my grandkids, I'm really at peace. I'm grateful!

Love, elly