I've finally acknowledged that even my yoga pants, which are stretchy, no longer fit me. I've bought a few larger tops to cover my ever expanding size, but when Paula told me about a place in Cambridge that had nice things, I decided to try for a few pants. While shopping I went into the change room to try some on and sat down on the bench, which is directly across from a big mirror. Now it's not that I don't see myself in the mirror every day, I do. However, I always see myself standing up. It's absolutely amazing to me how different I look sitting down. Everything spreads out and sags so that it looks even more obese than I already see.
So, I spent a few minutes struggling with accepting how I look and then moved on. I bought 3 pair of pants, one of which I now realize is too big, and a few more tops. My belief that I'm ok exactly the way I am persists.
I've also decided that my food choices during this healing time may be up and down and if I'm really accepting who I am, then accepting that is part of it. I didn't ask for this struggle, and it's not my fault that it happened, but nobody ever asks for struggles. Accepting it and doing the best I can is the only helpful thing to do.
So I've decided that my eating goals for right now are as follows. First priority, eat no chocolate. Second priority, eat as many healthy things as possible, but no beating up myself if I don't do as well as I'd like. At least if I don't eat chocolate, then I usually eat lots of healthy stuff too. If I'm eating chocolate, I'm eating everything!
I'm doing better at work, maintaining a professional attitude and language. Better but not perfect, so I continue to be mindful as quickly as possible.
It's been pretty hard to listen to the news these days, as some of these things are very triggering. I'm setting limits on how much energy I spend on it and try to keep my focus on the things I think might be helpful.
Much love to my peeps, elly
