what's new?

What's new is  new is that I went for my appointment today with the EAP. While I didn't love her, I'm really trying to give her some time to do her voo doo so we can move on!

What's new is that my cousin died this week and the funeral is tomorrow afternoon. He was the same age as I am!

What's new is that not much is really new, I just remember it differently.

What's not new is last year's headlines, taxes, death and learning.

Tired but good, elly

I really did!

Damn technology...I know I hit "publish" last night, but did I check to see if it had? Nope, but I'm shocked at the doubters who would accuse me of not fulfilling my commitments and/or not knowing the days of the week! So disrespectful!

I have an appointment tomorrow to talk with someone whose name eludes me right now. Maybe one of you can remind me??

Another good day...the woman who caused all the problems at work came by today to say bye, as she's heading home to Winnipeg till her LTD is settled. Apparently she told someone that I had done so much to help her! I asked the woman who told me to repeat it in front of the student who recently said I was responsible for her leaving...lol!

Another woman at work told me that this student gets very defensive and sneaky when she's done something wrong...she has been the butt end of her several times too. It all just made me feel better to hear her say how much she respects and likes me.

First lunch today in quite a while...roasted veggies in a wrap. Yummy.



"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."  Confusius

better

I had a better day today, for lots of reasons. Clinic was great, a usual, and the group is honest and sincere.

Work was great, as we decided to make the anti bullying into appreciate community instead, making it positive. We all tie dyed t-shirts, wore them today, did pink hair and nails (even the men) had a "make your own sandwich" lunch, played board games and dodge ball and made bracelets. I loved it!

Then the best part, Jason, Anne, Emily and Grace came for supper. We had salmon burgers on fold its, with spinach and grilled peppers with hummus and broccoli, hmmmm!

I called the EAP and they will contact me to set up an appointment. I'm looking forward to it.

Gratefully, elly

I don't want to think about it!

...and that means that I probably should.  But right now, I not gonna.  I have committed to myself that I will call the Board's EAP and set up a few sessions.  I think the stuff around my marriage ending is catching up with me, and it's best for me to talk with someone before I can't.  So tomorrow I will call.

I went to Costco tonight and got home around upper time, and just wanted to munch through everything.  Not the best supper I've ever had, but managed to keep it to 300 calories and included some protein and fresh fruit.  One more shake tomorrow and that's it!  Then I will also need to plan lunch!  It's a good thing there is clinic tomorrow too!

I haven't wanted to blog at all the last few nights either and I think it's all part of the same issue.  I promise that I will write something every day even if it's just to say I still don't want to talk about it!  It's kinda funny, because in spite of all that, I still feel quite strong in my commitment to myself and to do this, long term.  For today, I'll hold onto that.

Thanks for the listen, elly

"The first duty of love is to listen."  Paul Tillich

decisions, decisions

What to eat? What to read? When to go to bed? Get up? When to blog?

Who to love? When to give up a dream and choose reality?

Where to live? With who? Alone?

Sometimes it seems like too much work to decide the little things, the day to day management of life, and the harder decisions never even get to the top of the pile. Today I'm grateful for it, and I'm sure I will get to them when I'm ready. Today I choose well.

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 190 lbs, for a total loss of 104 lbs, and another goal reached. My next goal is 180 lbs.

Good night, sleep tight, elly

lonely day

Just a little, but it was a taste I didn't like and I know at some point I will need to make a decision about where to live...it still makes me sad that we couldn't work things out, so I'm trying not to think about it too much.

I got to watch the hockey game first thing this morning and then went out for a glorious walk in the sunshine. It made me feel better, even though my left knee is still giving me grief.

I'm having trouble scanning food bar codes with my new tablet, so that's been frustrating as I've gotten to depend on it to decide what and how much to eat. I guess eventually I'll consult the experts to see what they say.

That's all for tonight, elly

forgetting to eat!?

Believe it or not, it's been happening. I think it's a really good indicator that I'm getting good nutrition.  I'm also hopeful that it may mean that the worst of the "getting clean" is behind me.

More to say, just too ...tired...

birthday supper

It was an easy, relaxed day at work, with all of my students showing up and actually producing work, even though all of the busses were cancelled.  This afternoon was so quiet at the office that I caught a bit of the men's hockey game between emails.

The biggest challenge I faced was that, for the second time this week, I forgot to pack my lunch (shake) and I think it's a good indicator that I'm ready to be done with them.  I was able to get a tortilla, lettuce, tomato and a bit of cheese in the kitchen before I left for Fergus, so no problem.

I still have more work/learning to do regarding making supper at home for company, deciding what to have that will work for me and also satisfy them.  Tonight was a special birthday supper for my angel, peacemaker, delightful daughter, Paula.  It is an honour and a priviledge to be her mom.

Love, elly

"love you forever."  Robert Munsch

size 12

They are made pretty roomy, but I had to abandon my size 16 pants to wear the size 12. I don't think I have worn size 12 since after Paula was born. I feel awesome!

I wanted to clarify something I said earlier about eating for pleasure versus addiction. I don't think I will do either, as I think if I eat for pleasure, I will continue eating due to my addiction. I'm sure lots of people can but not me. I have done this too many times and will not take the chance. I will also say that I have been taking great pleasure in my food, but that is not my primary reason for eating it. I'm mainly eating it for fuel. I'm ok with it! I also think that I had just as much fun reading Robert Munsch stories with the kids as eating high fat ice cream.

I still haven't figured out how to use the keyboard with my tablet, but I have learned that it hurts just as much when I fall asleep with this tablet as the old one, when it hits me in the face!

I had another meal out and didn't know what was being served, but did just fine. The more often this happens, the more comfortable I feel.

Living well, elly

"The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire, the size of your dream and how you handle disappointment along the way." Robert Kiyosaki

recovery day

I  was exhausted when I woke up this morning. I eventually dragged my ass out of bed and went to the gym. I only had 15 minutes in the pool, but better than nothing. I have had a headache all day as well and I'm sure it's from yesterday's stress.

On a positive note, I went to clinic early to chat a bit more with the social worker and it was so affirming. She told me how much they appreciate my comments and input during sessions. She celebrated that I didn't even consider turning to food, acknowledged how difficult the situations were and told me how lovely I am.

I also asked if they ever get suggestions for additional program ideas and she said yes. I asked about the possibility of including more info about addictions, including how to determine if you are an addict and additional strategies to deal with it if you decide you are. She took notes, said I'm not the first person to suggest it and that she felt it would be very worthwhile. Then during clinic, I talked a bit about never being able to eat for pleasure again, but only for fuel.

At this point, I have not decided where my end goal will be, only that I will set at least one more after I reach my current one. I suspect I will add several more, but time will tell. I am thrilled and delighted with my progress, but not particularly with my weight. What I'm most excited about is my progress handling the addiction. Not that I'm not happy about the weight too, cause I am!

I treated myself today to a new tablet, after struggling for some time with power issues on my old one. I got a keyboard that has Bluetooth and paired it no problem, but now still need to figure out how to use it. So this post is using the tablet keyboard, which was surprisingly easier to use than my old one.

Today I'm incredibly grateful, elly


"Recovery begins from the darkest moment." John Major

yin/yang

It really is the shitty awful days that everyone has from time to time that allow you to fully appreciate the wonderful days like I enjoyed yesterday.  It was such an awful morning at school that I actually left, and that was after crying in the principal's office for a half hour first. Nothing serious, it just blind sided me as I thought that lies that a staff member who was removed from the school was spreading with the students had run their course. I'm still trying my best to take the high road, but admittedly only because I don't think I'll meet her there.

I stopped at the board office and headed up to Fergus and ran smack dab into someone at the office who is seriously pissed at me, but I have no idea why. I sent her an email apologizing and letting her know that if she wanted to let me know what it was I would do my best not to do it again.

Then I called the social worker at the clinic to get some support, which was great.  After I talked to her, I left there too!

I came home, shoveled the drive, shoveled the back for the dogs, had a chat with Roo, (thanks!), had supper, and went back to the gym for group active...all good and helpful. I'm hoping to make a few calls and pack it in early.  I'm not stupid, I know when to call "uncle!".

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 192 lbs, for a loss of 4 lbs, a total loss of 108 and 2 more to my next goal.

That is absolutely ALL I have for tonight, and I hope that my tech problems won't prevent my post.
Love, elly

family, day

I have known for a long time that a big part of my reason for being is to be as present as possible for my family. I remember clearly my first awareness of the significance of my family. After Paul left I remember standing looking out the front door, feeling totally overwhelmed by his leaving and the responsibility it left me with. As I stood looking out the window wondering what I would do, I realized that I could open the door and walk away. Someone would care for my kids, but it came to me immediately that my choice was to be there in every way possible. It was so much easier to do whatever needed doing, seeing clearly that it was my choice, and in spite of the fact that I often didn't have a clue what I was doing.

The clarity of that choice has never wavered for me, possibly because my own family of origin has and continues to be my most constant and consistent friends.

Today I received this gift, a tribute to the gift they already are.  Isn't it beautiful? It made me cry to be so blessed...

It was also a beautiful, cold day and I walked for quite a while without feeling any serious strain on my knee. 

A great relaxing day and a wonderful family! elly

"The family is one of nature's masterpieces." George Santayana

addiction

I'm no expert, but I have my share of first hand experience. I think addiction is the single most prolific and hazardous challenge of our modern day lives. We all try to escape our perceived pain and create such horrible real pain. My heart goes out to all addicts, especially those who don't even know that they are. I know a lot of things that are not helpful to addicts and it makes me think that the only way to really support and help an addict is honesty without shame. There is altogether too much guilt already circulating through us. Please join with me in sending heartfelt compassion and loving support into the universe against this destructive way of seeing our lives.

It has been the most freeing event of my life to acknowledge, accept and even celebrate this knowledge. It makes it possible to say no to things that previously would have been a serious temptation for me and enables me to stay really clear about why I am making the choices I'm making. I want my life to be mine, for me and the things that are important to me. I don't need anyone else to have the same priorities and don't need anyone to understand why they matter to me, but just want to really be me before I'm dead.

Today I wore a men's flannel shirt that's long and warm and cozy and red. There was a time when it fit me better but I was too embarrassed to wear it. Now I don't care. Not only that, but my granddaughters saw the pictures I posted a few days ago and realized that I have lost a lot of weight, probably close to their combined weight. Jason took a picture of Grace and me in my shirt, and even with both of us in it, it fit over my bum!

I spent some time today preparing my food for the week and tried a few different things. It's still very much a learning experience as I piece together things that meet my nutritional needs, are simple and relatively hassle free. I'm getting there, slowly but surely and that feels right to me, for me.

Thank you all for accepting me the way I am, in gratitude, elly

"She goes from one addiction to another. All are ways for her to not feel her feelings."  Ellen Burstyn

"It is hard to understand addiction unless you have experienced it."  Ken Hensley

And just a final thought about this last quote, I don't think there is anyone who hasn't experienced it, they just haven't accepted or realized that it is

I'm full!!

I'm full of joy, laughter, contentment, peace, boys, love, girls, bey blades fun, sweet potatos SALMON, advice, suggestions, love, acceptance, forgiveness, empathy, compassion, comraderie, kindness, sharing, generosity, love, puzzles, appreciation, intuition, wisdom to know the difference, love, love, love and gratitude. I feel so much fuller than I ever did trying to stuff myself with food.  It is really a very poor substitute for all the gifts of the universe.

The awesomest day! elly


"You know full well as I do the value of sisters' affections. There is nothing like it in this world."  Charlotte Bronte

oh these kids

A student asked me today if I had received a valentine from my husband. When I said no she asked if I had gotten him one. When I again said no, she looked at me kind of funny. I took her aside and explained that he had left before Christmas, as she knows me well enough to know what I was telling her would not be usual for me. She hugged me, told me she was sorry and asked if I was OK. She seemed quite relieved to hear that not only was I OK, but that we are getting along fine.

Yesterday a different student went to ask our social worker if I was OK, as he had noticed that I had lost a lot of weight, and he wanted to make sure it wasn't because I was sick. When I told him thank you for caring, he grinned and said, elly, you rock!

Two of my favourite young fellas are snoring in the bed beside me right now. It is such a privilege. I probably won't sleep much cause Sam is a bit of a restless one, but it's worth it. Market in the morning.  For now, good night. elly

"My biggest hobby is hanging out with my family and kids." Joel Osteen

changes

I don't really like preparing ahead of time, but am accepting that if I don't get some of my food for the next day ready in the evening, I will be missing time at the gym. Since I have learned some things about how to be more effective, I don't want to sabotage by not leaving enough time to be there.

I also have been forced to totally change my wardrobe. I had some smaller things that haven't fit for some time that I was keeping for when I could wear them again. They are summer things that I tried on tonight that will never fit me again! Hurray for that, but my closet and dressers are almost empty. I don't mind at all and have lots to do me for now and will pick up some more when needed.

I did keep one pair of pants that were tight on me..

They aren't the best pics but you get the idea...

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."  Andy Warhol

better

I didn't feel well yesterday but I usually get up and go anyway and feel better eventually. I had such a horrible headache that I decided to stay home from work and just go to the office in the afternoon. I felt a little better by then but not enough that I was willing to get dressed. I eventually got out for a 30 minute walk with the dogs later in the afternoon, but that was pretty much all I managed. I tried to go shopping after but no dice. I went to bed early, intending to blog from there, but never made it, just passed out!

I awoke this morning feeling great so either had some kind of bug or was exhausted, probably from cleaning up all that shit!!

Another great clinic today, looking at the most useful exercise strategies, getting the most bang for your buck. It was great! They also told us that they have a new director of the program and she has no bariatric experience, so she is coming to our session next week as a way to familiarize herself with it. It seems very strange to me that someone who has no experience should direct how a program should be run, but I guess that's par for the course in all things government related, eh?

I hope to be able to share a picture with you tomorrow but couldn't manage it on my own...stay tuned!

Love, elly

"I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." Ken Venturi

weary

I think it's probably just Feb, lots of snow and cold and I'm tired of it all.  I managed to get to the pool for 15 min before going to work today.  I had hoped to get to yoga with the girls this evening, but Sam came to visit while D went to Beavers instead.  He probably did me as much good as Yoga anyway.  Tomorrow I will go to the group active class for sure.  I intend to get up in the morning on time too.

So far, no shit in the basement, although the carpet is still pretty wet.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 197 lbs, for a total loss of 97 lbs and seven more to my next goal.  I continue to feel good about my food choices and how satisfied I am about that.  I'm looking forward to cutting down to just one shake per day on Thurs.

Good night, elly

"Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work."  Ralph Marston

holy shit

1.God's poop 

2.An expression yelled at something bad and/or surprising

shit, oh shit, a lot of shit, deep shit, tough shit, little shit, piece of shit, pile of shit, hunk of shit, stupid shit, horse shit, bullshit, ape shit, bat shit, shit head

shitting bricks, get your shit together, lose your shit, when the shit hits the fan, shit rolls downhill, shit out of luck, don't give a shit, full of shit, don't give me that shit, are you shitting me? I shit you not, talk shit, scared shitless

looks like shit, tastes like shit, smells like shit

So many uses of this fine word, so many definitions, so many variations.  However, when you open the basement door and all you can smell is shit, and all you can see is shit, floating among the toilet paper covering your basement floor (and carpet), all you really want is "No shit".  After I plunged the basement toilet and realized that wasn't the problem, I waded in and plunged the floor drain in the laundry room, which seemed to relieve the pressure.  It seemed like there was enough shit on the floor that it could have been everything since Terry and Jeff solved my previous drain problem down there, but whether or not there is any connection, I have no idea.  I used a dustpan to gather the biggest chunks and flushed them down the toilet.  I tried to rinse the carpet at the edge with some orange-a-peel and turned on the de-humidifier.  Then I left it alone and came up to wash my feet, hands and crocs.  All I can say is "shit!"

On a positive note, the only clothes left in my closet that fit me are the ones I bought a few weeks ago, or got for christmas.  Good shit, eh?

Love, elly

recovery

I'm trying to recover from staying up too late last night, reading at 3:30 this morning and a busy day. I'm so tired!

I'm also having a lot of pain in my left knee during the last few weeks. I bought a better support to see if that will help. It can't hurt...

Love, elly

"Recovery begins from the darkest moment." John Mayor

worth it

It was a long "bang your head against the wall" kind of day at work.  Then I had the most delightful play, eat, talk visit with Tim, Jen, Ad and Aub that words could not do justice to, so I'm not gonna try.  Just trust me on this one.

I also discovered fennel tea, YUM!

Love, elly

"I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?"  Richard Bach

Yup!

perspectives

Several people have started calling me "skinny minney" when they see me.  I find it unusual that they would do that because if they were just meeting me now, they would never think that about me.  However, their previous perception of me as being "heavy", "fat", or "obese" seems to change what they see now...interesting.

Yesterday an older man at the gym was chatting, told me I was looking good, then told me not to gain it all back now, and then the kicker.  "So are you going to have surgery to get rid of all of your extra skin after?"  When I told him no, that it didn't bother me, he suggested that I not decide right now but wait a bit longer, I'm still young!  Really interesting!

The day before yesterday a woman I know asked me if my grandchildren have seemed to notice or made any comments about my weight loss.  When I told her no, she said that was not surprising, as they probably don't even notice that about me...I'm just Gramma!  Priceless!!  They still like to jiggle my bat wings and snuggle with me, so I think she is probably right.  That's what I choose to believe at any rate.

Just perfect, elly

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."  Marcus Aurelius

information

It was a great session at clinic today, talking about stress, self care and sleep.  I got some significant new information (to me) that was pretty profound, such as; If you believe that stress is bad for you, it is.  It can actually kill you.  Not the stress itself, but the belief.  Also, if you are close to people and care about people, you produce a hormone that makes you healthier and deal with stress easier.  So snuggle away, my friends, because it will make you happier and healthier.  Not really news in the short term, but to realize that there are long term benefits surprised me.  It's also the reason that people who volunteer live longer.  One other reason that when you are a bit depressed, you should get in touch with people, not isolate!  Of course, I already knew that, but didn't realize that there is actually scientific proof.

I made my first supper for company today, chicken, salad with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, bean noodles, fresh carrots, edamame, with cookies and mousse cake for dessert.  I did well, and the only thing that really tempted me that I did not plan on eating was the crispy caramelized stuff in the bottom of the chicken pan.  I did have one taste and then put the pan to soak so that I wouldn't have any more.

Roo, I've been thinking about your suggestion to do another duathlon at some point and I won't decide now, but I suspect that I probably won't.  Simply because I no longer have any desire to be able to do that, and much prefer to be able to ride my bike regularly, play with the kids, do a class or two at the gym and save my knees for that kind of thing.  But, like I said, I will not rule it out at this point.  Maybe I will decide to do it as a way to motivate other women, as I recall that is what impressed me the most about that day, the women who were there strictly to encourage and support other women.

A special shout out to my friend that knows what she needs, you deserve the best!

Love, elly

"The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."  Mark Twain 

"Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family."  Kofi Annan 

nothing

Well, almost nothing. The best closer to the day... going to swim lessons with Adrian and Aubrey and watching Aub go down the slide over and over... priceless!

All is well, elly

milestone

Not a goal per se, but monumental none the less. I have broken the 200 lb barrier. I weighed in this morning at the Y at 199 lbs, for a total loss of 95 lbs and 9 more to my next goal.

I continue to feel good and think good. I'm getting more strength back although I am sick and tired of shoveling snow.

I love myfitnesspal more and more the longer I use it. I can check out scenarios for meal combinations and then decide what I want to have. I remember wanting to just stay on the shakes and now I look forward to relying on real food to nourish my body.

In gratitude, elly

"Don't complain about getting old... many many people don't get that privilege." Earl Warren

repeat

I spent an absolutely joyful day with Emmy today.  I re-learned yesterdays lesson and will repeat as necessary until I finally get it.

Love, elly

"We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."  Douglas Adams 

bushed!

What an awesome day!  Market with Kelly, Daniel and Sam, joined by Tim, Ad and Aub.  Tim and I took Adrian and Aubrey and the 4 dogs on a lion hunt in the deep dark forest.  We were chased by lots of lions, tigers and bears, but we fought them off every time.  We also threw in a few "duck, duck, goose" just for fun. Ad and Aub came back to Gramma's house, where we read books in the fort, played trains, trucks and zoingo boingo. (plus Aub had a nap...)  We went out and played in the snow, but we called it shovelling the driveway.  There was a lot of snow still on the driveway, but we had a blast! Who knew you could do so many fun things with a snow shovel?

After they went home, I suddenly realized that I was famished!  We all had lunch and I gave them a snack before we went out to play in the snow, but forgot to have one myself, and forgot to drink water, cause I was enjoying myself so much. I realized I was having a problem when I saw the cheese I had given the boys with their apple for snack sitting on the counter and nearly picked it up and had a big bite!  I ate a hearty supper instead, took on some fluids, watched a movie and will head to bed early.

Being bushed from having fun is wonderful, elly

"After all, tomorrow is another day."  Margaret Mitchell