super!

Super family, super tools, super neighbours, super things accomplished, super happy birthday to Kelly, super diaper sucked all the moisture out of my phone, super grateful, super tired!

Love, elly

No words...

...could really do justice to this day. These meagre few will need to suffice; gratitude, generosity, compromise, stubbornness, flexibility, determination, fun, stick-to-it-ivness, water, food, nakedness, dirt, pirates, fortunate, measuring, cutting, bashing, bbq, and tired, very tired!

Love, elly

ice cream

Yesterday when I said that I ate all day I could have mentioned that my eating was also totally indiscriminate. I was slightly more selective today, until this evening when I finished the last of a container of French vanilla ice cream. I don't care. After tomorrow I will care again, but not till then.

At least 3/4 of the carpet is out, tack strips and glued underlay included, thanks to help from Larry and Kelly. I'm pretty sure Larry has blisters to prove it!

The items for the garage sale are all upstairs and I was hoping some of the furniture would be sold so I wouldn't have to move it out, but I might just put a sign that the furniture is inside. I haven't advertised, so will not put the signs up till I'm ready.

I did have a wonderful visit with Larry, which is harder to do when there's a crowd, which is often the case when I see him. So in spite of the fact that he was totally gross by the time he went home, I think we both enjoyed it. BTW, Jen, he agrees you shouldn't put carpet in your basement!!

On Wednesday this week I picked up my 90 yr old friend and we went to visit my friend who is terminal. I'm just so glad to have this time with her, she is such a lovely person. I'm blessed to know both of them.

I'm using a borrowed phone, till I can get a replacement, as I don't think my blackberry survived the shower. I figured out how to make a call and send a text, but that's it!

I'm packing it in for tonight, it will be an early morning.
Love, elly

besausted!

How the kids describe how I feel right now...besausted!

Sam had a cry in his sleep again, which I was finally able to rouse him from about an hour later. Then the water softener recharged and Lucy went ballistic. The following 2 hours was not fun for either of us, but thank god the kids slept through it. She's going to need to get used to it, cause I'm not getting rid of it.

We had a wonderful day of playing, wrestling, eating, running, sliding, swinging, pirates, painting nails, and a movie. I ate all day long, trying to stay awake and alert to their shenanigans. I've already fallen asleep twice writing this...make that three.

Tomorrow is another day, sleep well. elly

sleepover!

It's our annual group sleepover or as Adrian says our "big" sleepover...wish me luck! They don't seem to care that chaos reigns.

Love, elly

dirt

There are many kinds of dirt; soil mixed with water for great mud pies, gravel for loading in dump trucks, sand for playing in at the beach, gardening dirt, which is good for the soul, etc. All this is "clean" or "natural" dirt. Then there is another class all to itself. Included in this class are the 12 to 14 hours of haying in 35 degrees, 45 in the loft, and carpet dirt!! I don't think I have ever felt so disgusting and will NEVER put carpet anywhere again. I suspect that anyone who has ever removed carpet wouldn't!! This carpet is fairly new and has been used very little too. Gross! Gross! Gross!

I was reminded today of how wonderful it is to be able to give something of yourself to another person, especially when you know they appreciate it! No gift received can top that!

The only other noteworthy things for today are a brief visit from John and Sam, which always makes me happy, and a day with Daniel and small Sam, which would only be better if Daniel would stop peeing all over the toilet seat!! Lift it up, lift it up!!! I gotta sit on that shit...I mean piss!!!

"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt." Margaret Atwood

Love, elly

too late...

Too late, too tired, too bad, so sad!

Love, elly

content

There was nothing special about today, except that I felt absolutely content all day long. I did as I pleased, played and worked, visited and aloned (I made that up! I like it!!) I sat in my totally chaotic space and enjoyed the change in ambience the colour makes, wow!!

My tenants are leaving this week, so I will be getting rid of the furniture upstairs, if you know anyone who wants a living room set, gate-leg dining table, several small tables, several chairs, Dad's arm chair, toys, framed prints, patio table and umbrellas and a plethora of other garage sale goodies, just let me know!

I'm also asking family to help with a big job I have planned for this weekend and I'm surprised at how hard it still is to ask.  I know I don't deserve it, but I also know that has nothing to do with it.  Family just "is" and they "do" whatever they can.  So, it was hard, but I asked and whatever happens will be fine.

I'm content, that's it!

"It's easy to impress me. I don't need a fancy party to be happy. Just good friends, good food, and good laughs. I'm happy. I'm satisfied. I'm content." Maria Sharapova

...and this is for my special friend...
"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure." Abraham Lincoln

Love, elly

thanks for the encouragement

I visited my friend today and she was delighted to see me. Her Dr says she is not ready for hospice so she is still at home alone. She is on pain meds that control most of her pain, but she still has significant pain in her back at the catheter site for draining her lungs, which she needs almost daily now. Her brother is coming to spend a few days starting tomorrow, but she encouraged me to come again and just walk in and find her wherever she happens to be. We had some laughs, we cried together about our mutual friend whose husband just got the lung cancer diagnosis, had some serious moments and talked about life. It was wonderful! I had really been second guessing myself and I appreciate the number of people who encouraged me to trust my instincts and go! I also left her a card with some thoughts just in case I couldn't see her, so she would know I was thinking about her.

I also did more painting today, got my hair cut, went to market, and had a visit with my good friends, Cory and Mary.

"So many times, people told me I can't do this or can't do that. My nature is that I don't listen very well. I'm very determined, and I believe in myself. My parents brought me up that way. Thank God for that. I don't let anything stand in my way." Chantal Sutherland

In gratitude for my many blessings, elly

the universe conspires...

I don't remember the exact quote, and I'm too lazy to find it, but it's something like once you decide something, the universe conspires to make it happen. I decided to change the flooring in my down house, and today I found mould where water had leaked from the condensation pump on the furnace. I guess it leaked into the area a month or so ago, and I had a whole stack of paintings and pictures stored there on the floor, out of the way. The bottom ones are totally destroyed, garbage. The carpet, once I removed them, stinks awfully, so it has to go. I started by removing what's on the steps and was amazed at just how disgusting it was; gross!! Just more confirmation that I'm better off doing it now rather than tearing the whole place apart again next summer.

I had a wonderful day with Daniel and Sam, which included a two person slide, a pirate game and a poop bag for the dogs that did double duty for Sam! Also, underwear shopping for them...

Jason moved my tv!!

A friend treated me to supper out for my birthday.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit my friend who's dying.

Love, elly

more learning

Wonder and awe equals Adrian and Aubrey for the day!
Cicadas leaving their shell are absolutely beautiful, with soft green and yellow wings fluttering in the breeze as they harden. Watching the boys discover it; breathtaking!
$1000 repair bill for the van is a gift when compared to a diagnosis of lung cancer; I maintain that our own troubles are always preferable to other's heartaches. Hugs to my dear friend!
I found some laminate that I like for the floor, so will add that to my chaos.
I'm sad that my friend who is dying isn't home and able to have visitors. I need to accept that I might not see her again!
I'm worried about 2 former students who are pregnant and have lots of mental health issues, it's just so hard!
Finding a small green John Deere tractor in the park after we lost it...St Anthony, thanks!!
Completing our separation agreement brings up sadness and grief that I keep thinking I've resolved; NOT!
I'm so very blessed! It's been a full and wonderful (as in full of wonder!) day and I'm grateful for ALL of it!
Love, elly

things I learned (or re-learned) today

1 Never underestimate the power of a crying child at 1 am, especially when he's too tired to know why he's crying...I was begging him to just please stop!
2 When booking appointments for multiple things, use one place to record them!
3 Always apologize when you say something mean, even if it's true!
4 Never buy black licorice when you are tired, hungry and didn't plan on getting stuck in traffic!
5 Listen to your daughters-in-laws in regard to flooring!
6 When you're eating because you're tired, go to bed!
7 Always paint the wall where the tv needs to go first!
8 Love often and completely, even if your heart gets broken!
9 Live in gratitude for your many blessings!
10 Trust your instincts!

Love, elly

odds n ends

Mish mash, rag tag, odds n sods, mixed bag, bits n pieces, etc. That was my day.

I had hoped to visit my friend who is dying but I got a message from her neighbour that she doesn't want company. I'm a little conflicted as just last week she said she wanted me to come again and the neighbour is sometimes jealous of her other friends. I know she's not able to answer the phone right now so I can't even check with her. I want to respect her wishes and am sad that I'm not sure what they are.

I made appointments for blood work, xrays, ultrasound, mammogram, haircut, and a van service; done and done! I also finalized arrangements for the lawyers visit tomorrow with B.

I got the second coat of paint on the kitchen and started in the bedroom; really I only did the wall that will have the tv on it as the kids are missing having something to watch down here and I'm not painting around it. Hopefully Jason will have time to move it this weekend.

I took some pictures in the up house so I can use them in an ad, which I hope to get together soon. While I was there I fixed a kitchen cabinet door that was falling off.

I dug the spackle out of the hole I was trying to patch in the bathroom and put in the sheetrock I should have used in the first place...idiot! I hung up a magazine rack in the bathroom as well as the paintings I got from Bert. Nice!

I got a few groceries as I will have kids for the next 3 days...yeah!!!

I had hot dogs for supper with Daniel and Sam (happy anniversary K and D!), with the best relish in the world; thanks Teresa!! I kept eating dogs just so I could have more relish...it's full of healthy stuff! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I am indeed blessed with the eclectic mix of experiences I had today, many thanks.

"I like to say, 'Chop suey's the biggest culinary joke that one culture has ever played on another,' because chop suey, if you translate into Chinese, means 'tsap sui,' which, if you translate back, means 'odds and ends.'" Jennifer Lee

I should have had chop suey today!! Love, elly

PS Of all the people who have helped me in the last few months, do any of you know where my hair cutting supplies are???
*

balance

As in I feel more balanced. I have initiated visits with all the kids! I don't care if I don't get as much work done, because it was making me sad and I wasn't getting work done anyway! I also realized that I need to continue to work at keeping adult contact as well, as isolating is very bad for me. It feels like I'm back to being myself again, juggling work, play, exercise and food reasonably well.

These seemingly small decisions have enabled me to get painting and planning some next steps...that's good! Also on Saturday I biked downtown just to make sure I could do it in the fall to get to work; no problem!

I almost gave myself permission not to weigh myself today, cause I was afraid it would be very difficult. I realized that the difficult part is only when I'm out of control and haven't yet figured out why. I decided I have it figured out for this moment, so might as well face whatever it says! I weighed in at the Y this morning at 182.5 lbs, same as last week. It's all good.

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony." Thomas Merton

"When you feel sad, it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Everyone has those days when you doubt yourself, and when you feel like everything you do sucks, but then there's those days when you feel like Superman. It's just the balance of the world." Mac Miller

Love, elly

hero

Today I'm proud to have a brother and friend do over 12 hours of a gruelling physical workout in the cold and rain, and still have enough will power to stop when he was done. I'm glad that he knows that the people he loves are more important than any race, and that the race is just the reason to do the training, every day! Pete I am so in awe of who you have become and all you have learned along the way. I love you without reservation!

I had a much better day today, except for the stress of tracking Pete's race and wondering if all was ok. My thanks to those on site for the updates! I went swimming with the Crowe boys this morning, had Tim Jen and the boys over for lunch and had supper with Kelly Danny and the boys. People is definitely what I've been missing!

I did some painting in the bathroom as well, between hero tracking!

"A hero is somebody who is selfless, who is generous in spirit, who just tries to give back as much as possible and help people. A hero to me is someone who saves people and who really deeply cares." Debi Mazar

"For a lot of people, Superman is and has always been America's hero. He stands for what we believe is the best within us: limitless strength tempered by compassion, that can bear adversity and emerge stronger on the other side. He stands for what we all feel we would like to be able to stand for, when standing is hardest." J Michael Stracfinsky.

Love, elly

out of control

Yup, totally over the edge, off the wagon, over the hill and far far away! I really lost it today. For the last few days I've been trying to figure out what's going on inside, pushing me here. I continue to watch and listen as I try to figure it out. I got my happy lamp out early, as we've had so little sun lately and it's been downright cold. It can't hurt...

I did go to the Dr on Friday and was not overly encouraged. I'm going for blood work and ultrasound and xrays of my shoulders, but I don't think he has any clue about the numbness and tingling I've been having. He checked all my joints and I know he thinks there's nothing wrong with me. Silly man!!

I think maybe I need the kids to visit more, as I really miss them. It's been such a busy chaotic summer, I haven't had enough "grandkid" fixes!

I primed the bathroom today and the unpainted areas in the kitchen. I hope to get paint for the living area tomorrow.

For today, it is enough. Good enough, hard enough, busy enough, tired enough, smart enough; enough; I am enough.

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Munroe

Love, elly

skipping

...just too tired.
Love, elly

Traffic

It took me 3 hours to complete a 1 hour drive; fun!

Good training and simulation. No laid on meals though so we're on our own to find something suitable; disappointing as they always order healthy, tasty food.

I have a headache, but the bed is comfy and in the morning I'm gonna find the pool!

"There are no traffic jams along the extra mile." Roger Staubach

exhausted

Physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted! I'm not sure why, but am trying just to accept what I feel. I'm falling asleep when I sit down. I imagine it's a combination of everything that's changed this summer, trying to settle things with Bernie and come to terms with what my life is right now. I don't want to be in Toronto the next 2 days and I'm sure that's not helping. I'd rather be going to Mont Tremblant! That's where my heart will be...

For now, I'm resting.

"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom." Thomas Carlyle

"I am not stopped by low funds, physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion, or temptations to stop and work on some other production that would be more financially rewarding." Richard King

Love, elly

tired

I'm tired of gaining significant weight from insignificant treats. After surgery, I attributed my gain partly to slower metabolism from inactivity. Not the case now. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 182.5, an increase of 6.5 lbs, for 2 treat days, that still included 60 - 75 % healthy foods.

I'm also feeling physically tired, not sure why. I've had lots of exercise, so the next thing to try is sleep. It will be an early night for me, and I did make a Dr appt for Friday, even though I haven't a lot of hope that he will have any useful suggestions.

"Never say die!" J F Waller

Love, elly

celebration

I figure if you learn something from the stupid shit you do then it's not quite as stupid. After the wonderful supper gathering yesterday and today's fantastic family fun party, I felt the need to punish myself some for enjoying myself totally selfishly. It seems I still have some parts that don't agree that I deserve this wondrous group of people that are my family, near and far. I however know that's not true and I deserve their nuttiness as much as they deserve mine. It was good information though that I still have work to do on that, so this is my commitment to address it as I go. I like that I figured out why I was stuffing myself with things I don't even really like, and while I was absolutely out of control, I no longer am. So worth it!

I had so much fun playing and visiting and eating and looking at some great pics afterwards. Thank you all for being who you are. I am truly blessed!

Love, elly

surprises

It's pretty hard to surprise an old broad like me, but today I was surprised several times. I was planning on picking up the boys at Kelly's and having a quiet supper with Cory and Mary, maybe do a crossword together, have a hot tub and go home. I was surprised to get a beautiful bunch of sunflowers and daisies, then Terry and Karen arrived, then Teresa and Brett, Paula, Larry, John, Linda and Oscar, Peter and Roo, Cory, Sara, Madison and Olivia, more sunflowers, an orchid, and some top grade herbicide. Each surprise was as lovely as the one before, and the food was great too (mmmm artichoke dip) It was a nice celebration of family and love. Best thing, by the time we got home Daniel and Sam passed out within 5 min!!

I had several pieces of banana bread, with butter and I'm willing to pay whatever that costs me.

So here are your surprises; The first one is not at my highest weight, but close. (And a crappy picture of a picture) I feel younger now! Not bad for an old broad!!

Love and thanks, elly

time out

...and I'm back. If I leave it too late, I sometimes just fall asleep before I get to it and then when I'm up to Pee at 2 or 3 am, I don't feel like it. Also I don't have the other pics yet, but still hope to soon.

Today I had an informative interesting adventure with my friend and sister. We believe we have discovered where the sewers actually leave the house, and that there is no blockage for at least 50 feet. The plumber who was here yesterday said he thought it went out the opposite side of the house and he wanted $400 to put a camera down and possibly not be able to tell me anything. $500 if I wanted him to lift and reset the toilet. I told him "no thanks". Teresa and I plan on making this a semi annual affair, and also do the Casino Ave house of the warrior princess who likes to cut people's heads off. Yikes!! We were lucky to escape with our lives, and all our limbs! T and I are now also officially snake snobs and may never use a manual snake again!

Most of the biggest messes are temporarily cleaned up inside, so I splurged and spent most of the rest of the day in the garden and cleaning off the patio. It's very good for my psyche to spend time digging in the dirt. The flowers are a side benefit.

I came in to shower after supper and appreciate several specific things about my new shower. It has ledges to put your feet on to shave your legs, which I don't do often, but is so much more comfortable. It also has a handle part way down for holding on to when you wash your feet. Little things, but awesome!!

Then after my shower I decided to put a little purple in my hair, as Mary got me this funky new wand to apply the colour, which is just like a mascara wand. You pick up the hair you want, give it a few swipes and Preston, purple! Unfortunately, I was done before I realized that it didn't seem very purple and sure enough, I used the black mascara! Oh well, I'm gonna leave it!!

I'm having some issues with my muscles and joints and will try to get to the doc next week, even though there is probably nothing to be done.

"That's all folks!" Bugs Bunny

Love, elly

tired

I know this because I had a day with my boys and had to work to enjoy it. I tried to get a nap but they weren't having it, but we did end up in bed by 7.

Tomorrow I hope to have another pic of two for you, but for tonight, sleep well!

Love, elly

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace." Victor Hugo

and resorting...

More sorting, thanks Kelly! Then I went out for a bit and I paid forward a miniscule portion of what I've received. Then I went back home and went looking for the pics I promised to try to post tonight, only to realize at some point during the sorting, they got "kept", of course, in with all the other keepers! So after resorting all the pics again to find them a second time, voila!

and...

and my very favourite...

It is so obvious how much in love they still are and it makes me happy to know that even though they had lots of struggles and heartache, that they always could count on this love that they obviously shared. All is right with a world that has this in it!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 176 lbs, for a total loss of 118 lbs.

Love, elly

"The heart knows the answer the mind has been searching for." Katherine Hiraldo

sorting, sorting, sorting

...and more sorting. Thank god Paula helped me or I might have just not done any of it. I came across several pics of mom and dad that I hope to share tomorrow. They were lovely to see again. The other pics that brought me to tears were those of my all female duathlon in Milton. It was one of the most powerful and significant moments of my life; old women, young women, experienced and amateur, coaching and encouraging. I'm so grateful for having had that experience, it was so life affirming. Thank you, Roo, for empowering me to try!

It was also a great reminder to keep being the healthiest I can be, until it's time to check out.

Also, I am never again allowed to buy cleaning products, pens/pencils, dog toys, scissors, toothbrushes and possibly tissues, as I seem to have enough to last until I croak!

Thanks to Mary for a wonderful supper and hot tub, and priceless friendship.

Love, elly

"Of all of our inventions for mass communication, pictures still speak the most universally understood language." Walt Disney

sorting

This morning I busted out the drain cover Terry installed in the laundry room because I couldn't get it out. Without it out, I couldn't plunge the drain. After I plunged the floor drain, it ran fine again. Teresa brought over her 25 ft snake, which she stuffed in all the way, with nothing encountered! No shit! Tomorrow I call a cameraman...stay tuned.

I sorted out all the driver bits, drill bits and other assorted tools that I've used over the past few months, returning what I could to their original places. Then I started on the various piles still sitting around here, waiting for a stay or go determination. Then if they were staying, sorting what would go where. It's a work in progress but coming along.

Farewell to Sally, brave traveler. Be not afraid!

Love, elly

"We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even if that's just picking grapes or sorting laundry." E. B. White

shit

It was a wonderful day with a shitty ending, but it's over. The day, not the shit. My sewers keep backing up into the laundry room and I'm so sick of it. Tomorrow a plan to tackle it again. I lost it this evening in a big way, but like I said, it's over, and I refuse to feel bad about it. I had such a wonderful day with the boys and I choose to focus on that instead.

And just in case you think I'm only feeling sorry for myself, I think I have that under control too. I'm very aware that others are suffering much more than me and given the choice, I would select my own shit over anyone else's, literally and figuratively. Nuff said!

Love, elly

"Life happens. Shit happens. And it happens a lot.  To a lot of people." Colleen Hoover