tough day

...but it's it's over. So is this year so happy New year and we'll talk again next year!

Love, elly

feeling lazy

I stayed in bed late again, reading. I did still go to the pool, and met some friends for lunch. I hung a few pictures up in the kitchen, and hung a closet door on the furnace room. Otherwise, it was a very laid back day, until Aubrey puked all over me. It's amazing to me how difficult it is to get rid of the smell, cause it's nasty, but the dogs were so excited, they could hardly stand it. I'm sure they would have licked me clean if I let them! Of course, they'll eat shit too, so you can see where their tastes like!

That's all for today.

Love, elly

things I did well today

I stayed in bed late, reading.
I went to the pool, even though it was just for 20 min.
I went shopping with Cory, Mary and a few of the younger ones; I bought 6 new sweaters and blouses for $89.
I removed all the pocket flaps from the back pockets of all my fleece lined pants. They are always curled up, folded over and sticking out...no more!
I took the Christmas lights down.
I read.
I knit.
I had a nap.
I finished a jigsaw puzzle that Adrian and I started.
I posted my apartment ad on kijiji, with pictures.
I went out for supper with an old friend to the Mandarin; I left everything on my plate that wasn't really delicious, and had a bit of pineapple for dessert.
I weighed in at the Y at 188 lbs, for a total maintained loss of 106 lbs and 8 more to my next goal. I am especially pleased that I have managed as well as I have during the holidays.
I let go of a little judgment.

Love, elly

sorting stuff out

The last few days have been relaxed and restful...ok maybe not restful, but restorative. I'm very grateful.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about the end of my marriage, as it's about a year now. Some thoughts are getting more clear and I hope they continue to do so. The anger is battling it out with the compassion and acceptance, which I know will win out in the end. I promise to keep you posted.

Love, elly

instead of a post...

...grandkids!! Adrian and Aubrey are sleeping, but Penelope is still thinking about it.

Love, elly

another good one

The only hard thing about the day was that the Slessors were all sick and couldn't come. Otherwise, it was a perfectly wonderful day.

Love, elly

Christmas blessings

I've known for a long time that I'm very blessed. It's especially nice to have a day when I'm consciously thinking about my many gifts and appreciating them, which I did most of the day.

I did overeat at supper at Mary's house, which is difficult not to do. The turnip souffle and the stuffing were divine, and the green beans with pine nuts and bacon is one of my favourites. I was smart enough not to waste any calories on the turkey, and again didn't have any chocolate or refined sugar. This at least enables me to stop at some point... I feel pretty good about it!

Kelly's family has been quite I'll and they will likely not make it to our family gathering tomorrow, which seems wrong, but what can we do? Those Winnipeg germs are apparently  quite hardy!

I'm going to snuggle under my electric throw.

Love, elly

Christmas eve and all's quiet

It was a busy morning with Adrian, Aubrey and Penelope, but the rest of the day was quiet, ending with supper and an insane crossword puzzle with Paula. Now I'm tired.

Merry Christmas and good night all!

Love, elly

reality

I'm still working on acceptance of my reality, but today was definitely a better day. I'm letting go of my grief as much as I can, and trying to focus on the positive.

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 191 lbs, for a total maintained loss of 103 lbs, and 11 more to my next goal. Pretty reasonable, considering several Christmas gatherings, and my blow out last night. Even during the celebrations that I decided to have some extras, I had no chocolate and no refined sugar; a big accomplishment.

I'm grateful for my life and owning it.

Love, elly

from a little muddled to a little maudlin

Playing hooky for a few days simply and quickly reminds me why I do this, to stay connected to what's really going on inside. I had some anxiety today, brought on by some last minute shopping, which only troubles me when I'm already a bit maudlin.

I think the reason for that is that I've been thinking about the fact that it's been a year since Bernie left. He told me some time ago that he was going to respond to my letter to him, which is what triggered his decision to leave. He hasn't done that and while I've accepted his decision, I'm still heartbroken about it. Part of me wants to ask him again to do it and I've gone over that scenario several times in my head. I always come to the same conclusion, and that's that it's one of those letters that can be written but not sent. I need to let it go, so I'm working on it.

He sent me a "merry Christmas and happy New year to you and yours" text today that felt awful, like something you would say to a stranger. I guess that's really what I am...

I finally changed the beneficiary on my life insurance, after a year, and have one more to do; maybe next year, eh?

I spent a wonderful day with all 5 Crowe kids and their parents at the water park. It was fabulous! Next year I'm going to figure out a way to take them all on some adventure like that.

Knitting continues to get me through a lot, but I lost it very suddenly tonight. I'm over it now and tomorrow is another day.

Love, elly

muddled

It's amazing how quickly I can go from doing well to "where the fuck am I?"

It's 2 am, 2 boys are asleep in my bed, so I'll figure it out tomorrow...wait, tomorrow I'll be at the water park with 2 boys and 3 girls! Soon, I'll figure it out soon!

Love, elly

hooray

Finally, I have a washer and dryer installed upstairs. I've just washed a load and put it in the dryer...pretty exciting! Pretty sad that these are the things I get excited about now, eh? Hopefully sometime in the new year, I will have some great people renting!

It was a rough morning at work, as lots of kids are awfully deregulated right now. Christmas is often very challenging for a lot of them and maintaining compassion is sometimes difficult for us as staff.  I'm very grateful that the staff are so supportive of each other, as they all understand how fragile and precarious our own mental health can be at times, given the conditions we work in. I have been spending the afternoons this week at the public library with a student who has been suspended from another school. I help out when she needs it and otherwise I knit. She's a lovely young woman, like they all are, and the quiet time helped to compensate for the morning.

Tomorrow is our big Christmas dinner at school, and I hope to be able to eat before heading to the library.

I think I'll watch the corner gas movie and call it a night.

Love, elly

yup

I weighed in this morning at the Y at 188 lbs, passing my 190 lb goal, for a total maintained loss of 106 lbs. My new goal is to reach 180 lbs.

Love, elly

energy

...not something I get a lot of very often, but this morning I woke up with lots of it. Often on the weekends I lay in bed reading before I get up, but today I made a pot of soup, cleaned out the fridge, made my weeks worth of oatmeal, did the dishes, sorted the linen cabinet, and was dressed before 8:30.

I put a plumber's snake down the roof vent today, just to prove to myself that it's clear. I had it down 19 feet before I met resistance, and it was perfectly dry upon removal...

I've started my third version of Em's infinity scarf...there may be a fourth...

Pete, I'm pretty sure you need a hat of some kind!!

Love, elly

family

One of my nephews has been a hero and a role model to me for several years. He has overcome some of the most difficult challenges ever, and has reclaimed the productive, generous, loving and honest person he is. When I thanked him for a kindness he showed me, he responded by saying, "that's what family is for." I find it simply amazing that he has such a strong sense of that simple truth, and yet it shouldn't surprise me...it seems to me that I remember his dad telling me years ago that I had to love him, cause I was his family. Right, on both counts!

The last few days I've also been reminded of how much I like my kids. They're not perfect, but they are kind, generous and loving to a fault. They definitely get family and are family in every sense of the word. They work through hurt and pain that has sometimes been hanging around for years, and always do their best to be honest with themselves. Heroes all, to me.

Farmer Gord, who we buy our apples from at the market, and who was married for 58 years, lost his wife this week. His family, kids, grandkids, were all at the market as usual, talking about her and getting hugs from everyone. He always has a bag of candy for the kids and let's them get in the back of the apple truck. They have often reminded me of our own family, and are down to earth, kind and loving.

There really are no words that adequately describe family, but I will settle for saying that I'm grateful, very grateful.

Love, elly

quiet day

I am so fortunate that I love my job. I love the staff and students we work with; they're such great pe. Sometimes it's messy, and that's ok too. It makes me feel normal!

I finished a hat for Madilynne today and started on Adrian's Christmas hat he asked for. Life is good...

I'm feeling stronger every day as far as my resolve to keep addressing my addiction to food. Today, I won. That's all I could ever hope for.

"It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones who win in the lifelong race." Robert W Service

strategies

I have learned that the number on the scale isn't the most important thing, and if I'm doing my best with the circumstances I get handed every day, I'm ok with that. However, the weekly weigh-in, same time, same place, is a good measure of how well I'm managing. Reporting it is neither here nor there to me, as I'm recording this whole blog for my reflection and benefit, and that's just part of it. Being honest with myself is the key.

The blog is another part of maintaining awareness for me. Sometimes I don't even realize how tough or wonderful the day has been until I consciously reflect on it. It's a valuable tool for me, as journaling in the more traditional sense has never worked for me.

Not using any electronics while eating has definitely proven to be very useful to me, as I'm not only more aware when I'm full, but I also enjoy fully the eating itself.

Portion control has been big to learn about. I used to tell myself that if it was healthy, I could have as much as I wanted. NOT! I have realized that I'm satisfied easier with less food, if I'm not doing that. Of course, if I'm out of control, I still try to make the healthiest choices possible.

I'm having weekly meetings with Cory, where I make a simple supper for us and we discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly. There is nothing quite like sharing with someone else who really understands the struggles, and who has also completed the program and is familiar with it. The support is wonderful.

As you all know, my place of work presents it's own special challenges in that food is served 4 times during the school day. Lots of staff and students eat right in the kitchen, and a few eat out in the common area. I try to stay out of the kitchen as much as possible, so that I'm not tempted, and I also bring lots of good food once a week from home, so I have plenty of good food to choose from myself.

I'm not always tracking my intake, but I'm always doing better when I am. If things are starting to get a little sketchy, it's the first thing I return to, if I'm not currently doing so.

I eat every day within a half hour of getting up, and tend to have most or all of my food consumed by 5 pm. Initially I tried saving more of it for the evening, so I could munch on something, but have found that if I make sure that I've had enough during the day, I don't have nearly as many cravings during the evening.

The latest thing that I've discovered is when I'm home alone in the evening, I knit. My hands and mind are busy, it's a nice distraction, plus I'm making hats and scarves like crazy!

As for an update, today was wonderful, except for the sewer back-up that happened while Adrian and Aubrey were in the shower... sigh... Also, last weekend I locked up my finger again. I was just shooing the dogs out, but I had not taped it up yet. Fortunately I was able to pull it open. Needless to say, I've been much more careful about keeping it taped!

Love for the journey, elly

doing ok

I've been motivated finally, to get some things done around here that need to be done. It's been nice. I don't have a whole lot of energy after work, but enough to putter away at things.

The appliance guys are coming next week to hook up the washer/dryer upstairs; yeah!!

Pete, I promise more tomorrow...

Love, elly

tired

I'm not alone, and I'm sure it's at least partly my continuing recovery from bronchitis, but holy crap, by 3:30 I had to lie down.

Best part of my day; Daniel and Sam enjoying the Christmas lights after beavers!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 192 lbs, for a total maintained loss of 102 lbs and 2 more to my next goal.

Love, elly

the best

The best thing about eating clean is the real sense of living in gratitude that I experience. When I can live in the moment as much as possible, it's impossible not to feel grateful.

Last night I watched Penelope sleep; magical that a small child can inspire such awe. I listened to her breathing and it was the best gift.

I bought 2 Christmas lights this year. I have given away all the rest of them as they're too much work for me to put up and down. I have one in front and one in back, a multi-sided rotating globe with red, green and blue leds that shine through. In the back, when it reflects off the fantastic roof of my patio and shines in my window, it looks like the Aurora Borealis.

Today I hiked with Tim and his kids. I was simply wonderful, in spite of our misadventures with snowpants and pit stops.

Twice now, I have eaten 5 macadamia nuts. Not 5 bags, or 5 cups, but 5 nuts. Just so you understand how significant this is for me I must tell you that I'm not a big fan of walnuts or Brazil nuts, but I love peanuts, hazelnuts, almonds, cashews, and pistachios, and my most favourite are macadamias!

Tomorrow I get to call and have my washer/dryer for upstairs delivered and installed! Thanks to everyone that helped make it possible.

My life; it's the best!

Love, elly

perfection

It was a wonderful day, with family, kindness, food, generosity, talking, cooking, sharing and listening. There were children, with playing and laughing, lots of snuggles, cuddles, running and swinging (thanks, Larry!) Cupcakes got decorated, pies were baked and fun was had by all.

I'm so very fortunate to be blessed with such wonderful people in my life. While we were partying, 2 special people were up on the rooftop, mine that is! I now have a roof vent for my new dryer. Thanks to Pete and Jon for a challenging job, well done.

I was really happy with how I managed my food intake for the day, especially considering all the choices. I treated myself to some delicious brie, and a little whipped cream, shot straight into my mouth.

The most delightful part of my day was having Princess P coming for her first sleepover. She is just so perfectly precious.

Treasures all.

Love, elly

good day, eh

Love, elly

I forgot

I forgot how good it feels to eat simply. It's been an awesome day that has me feeling like I found myself again. I only peed my pants once today, and in spite of the fact that I'm still trying to cough up a lung off and on, I think I am getting better. I stayed home again today and rested, watched cheesy Christmas movies and put up the tree. I'm super excited about the family Christmas cook off coming up on Saturday. I'm not as excited about the meeting in Toronto tomorrow, but at least it's short.

That's all folks!

Love, elly

recovery

...is slow, as it should be I guess. I took the day off work, cause I peed my pants at least 3 times at work yesterday, didn't have dry underwear, and that's just bullshit! The wheezing and rattling in my chest actually wakes me up, so I'm extra tired too.

I've been binge eating too, which is discouraging, but I got my weekly injection of support from Cory tonight, and feel more able to carry on again. I feel sure when I'm feeling better, that's going to make a big difference too, and I'm cautiously optimistic that I might be turning the corner.

I made a nice supper, with a flatout, a little tomato sauce, spinach, cherry tomatoes and mini bocochini, grilled in the toaster oven. Yummy, satisfying, and good for me.

I've been aware that the negative thoughts have crept in more while I'm not feeling well. I tend to discount all the positive things, and dismiss them, so I'm working on that. Even though I've gained some weight, I can acknowledge that I've lost 100 lbs, that I haven't gained back.

To bed early again, but some knitting first!

"Recovery is something that you have to work on every single day and it's something that it doesn't get a day off." Demi Lovato

Love, elly

blah

My sinuses have joined in on the game and headaches ensue. Tomorrow will show some improvement, I'm sure.

Love, elly

over the hill

It's such an interesting feeling to realize that I'm on the downhill slide in my life. The thought of aging doesn't bother me and I've never been reluctant to disclose my age. However, it's weird how suddenly and quickly things change. It's increasingly difficult to find the drive and motivation to get things done, and inspiration seems to evade me regularly. It could be some slight depression, or dealing with this nasty bronchitis, that has me peeing my pants every other time I cough, or it could be that this is my new normal. Maybe it's going to take me longer to get everything done from here on in. Either way, it's just so weird!

This cough is definitely worse and my chest is rattling and wheezing, but I'm determined to do without drugs if possible. My throat feels raw and eating soothes it. I remain committed to my goal and I might be doing that slower too. I'm drinking lots, eating zinc and Ricola lozenges, taking Echinacea and goldenseal and resting.

Today I finished princess P's stocking and I've started a scarf.

"Just remember that once you're over the hill, you start to pick up speed." Arthur Schopenhauer

Love, elly

meltdown

...not me, but my bathing suit. I occasionally forget to bring my gym bag in from the van, which means that, in the winter at least, it's pretty cold getting into a not quite dried, frozen suit. This morning I realized was one of those occasions. As I now sleep right beside a lovely fireplace it occurred to me that I could warm it up nicely for a few minutes and carry on my way. After a few minutes, I was smelling something funny, lifted my suit to discover melted polyester stuck to my fireplace glass, and several rather large holes in my suit! Shite!!

I dug out some underwear, put a long tank over it and carried on to the pool. Shopping tomorrow.

This evening I watched a little tv, which I don't do very often any more and came across the fifth estate, the unmaking of Jian Ghomeshi. I watch with a sort of morbid curiosity, not really wanting to know, but needing to watch anyway. For me, I think the biggest positive thing that's happening in regards to him, Bill Cosby, our MPs, hockey coaches etc, is that there is real discussion happening. I think it's important to talk about how victimized and powerless it can make people feel. I believe we need to talk about it and I'm grateful for that.

I still feel like crap, but I've decided that I'll feel better by tomorrow.

Love, elly

sick and tired

I'm sick again and I'm sick and tired of it. I had planned on going with Kelly and the boys to ball hockey, but she's unwell as well! No hockey this week.

That's all she wrote tonight; don't feel sorry for me, I got it covered!!

Love, elly

resurrection

I've resurrected an old hobby that's helping me a little. I'm knitting a Christmas stocking for baby Penelope, that's similar to the ones that Audrey Crowe knit for all the kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, as she is no longer around to do it. I like the feeling of continuing that tradition on her behalf, and I like that having my hands busy in the evenings keeps me out of the kitchen more.

I had a bite of Oreo cheesecake at work today, that became 4 pieces. It makes me sad that I can't have just a little. Otherwise I'm doing fine, and as committed as ever. I'm also reminding myself of what I've accomplished as well as what I still need to learn...

Love, elly

sleep

I don't do well without it! However, I'm learning that eating is not a good strategy for staying up. It's actually a little easier now that my bed is right in front of me. I went to bed early, too tired to blog, hence the reason for my 3:44 am post!

Yesterday I weighed in at the Y at 191 lbs, 1 more to my next goal.

Love, elly

treasure

Your kids are your kids, no matter how old they are. I've heard lots of people say that and I agree. There is still nothing better than an unplanned visit, where you don't talk about anything specific or important, but it feels like such a treasure because you're talking about your lives, about what's really important to you. Eventually one of you says, "I need to go to bed.", but neither of you really want it to be over. At least now that they're older they tend to not start these conversations at 1 or 2 am!

Thanks, Tim! I love you, mom

white death

Man, sugar and I just don't get along. You'd think I would have that figured out by now. Maybe if I say it out loud often enough, it will sink in.

Sam is 4 super years old today, and I had 3 pieces of Christmas rice crispy birthday cake, that's going to delay my goal. The worst part of that is that I feel horrible, physically! Yuck!!

Otherwise a perfectly wonderful day, waking up with my 2 little monkeys, swimming with my oldest son and his girlies, four wheeling and getting covered with mud, and then some warm-up time for laundry and reading before the birthday supper.

I saw all 7 of them this weekend and that makes me very happy! I'm so truly blessed...

limbo

Well my sewer line is open and functional again, but we are no closer to knowing what's going on. I'll think more about it another day!

Today I have Adrian and Aubrey for a visit and sleepover. We've had supper and a naked hot tub at Mary's house, watched a little tv, had our milk and are going to read a book before bed. Sigh...

Love, elly

The last straw

I have spent most of the day today close to tears. I thought I was handling lots of challenges, staying positive and fairly healthy in my coping methods. It's kind of hard to believe that was just yesterday, cause today...not so much!

The puddle in yesterday's shower has become today's blocked toilet, kitchen sink water coming up in the shower, and water leaking from UNDER the bathroom floor into the laundry room. I understood that I paid Jeff's buddy at work to put a camera down, which he did, do a locate, which he didn't do, and return after I had the gas line located to put a larger snake down. After I got the clearance from the gas people, he was gone hunting and hasn't returned. When I asked about him returning again after the blockage I was told he would check to see if he wanted the job. The job that I thought I already paid him to do, but of course, it was after hours and off the record...

On a cheerful note, I have snow tires on the van, so I can get to the pool in the morning. I can't do dishes. The upstairs bathroom seems to be working ok, so I can still camp out here, rather than find someplace else to stay for the weekend. I haven't gorged myself. I'm going to bed to watch tv and read.

I don't know if there's a sewer saint but if there is, please put in a word for me...

Love, elly

idiot or genius??

So apparently I was trying to install my new wipers upside down, which is why they wouldn't go on. (Idiot) I googled it this morning, (genius) and went out during my break and installed them with no problem. Good thing too, or I might have had to walk home with the weather by then. Really, the biggest problem was that they made the directions so tiny, even Mary's magnifying glass didn't help.

I had a couple of blow outs today. The snack people at school have discovered Costco, and today they had snap pea crisps, which I haven't been able to have around. I had 6 packages. (Idiot) in the big picture it was still fairly reasonable, as everything else I had was in moderation and healthy. (Genius) Then I came home and broke my "no electronics" rule. (Idiot) I ate an entire large bag of sweet kale salad, without the cranberries and seeds. (Genius) If I'm gonna over indulge, salad works for me!

I called a guy to give me an estimate on getting the dryer upstairs vented through the roof...can we do that in the winter??

I stood in 2 inches of water while in the shower again today, so obviously I'm still having an issue with the sewer. I sure hope these plumbers get back here soon!

I have discovered that the bank has been taking 3 times my mortgage payment out of my account. (Idiots) I get pretty panicky when I realize there's no money in the bank, especially as it's taking me longer to get ready to rent than I anticipated. It's sorted now, and they told me, no worries, it all went to pay down your principal...grrr!

Sure wish I had some snow tires! They finally called me back today to tell me that their supplier has lots of rims but they can't find them. (Idiots!) They have spent the day calling other suppliers and think they will have some by morning, and promised they will drop everything to do them as soon as they get there. Yesterday they were kinds pissy, saying they are so busy cause everyone wants their tires on, and saying it wasn't their fault the supplier sent the wrong ones etc. I told them I think they are responsible for the suppliers they deal with. What really impressed me today was that they apologized, and called me rather than waiting until I was frustrated enough to call them again. I have no issue with things getting messed up, but I sure appreciate that they finally took responsibility for it. (Pretty smart of them to keep on my good side, but definitely not genius!)

The roads are bad enough that I haven't been anywhere except work, so I hope tomorrow I can get in the pool. It makes such a big difference to me and I've been in quite a bit of pain. At least I'm taking drugs to deal with it now, rather than just try to push through without.

We have a spiritual development day on Friday. I decided that life is too short to ever attend one of these again, as they tend to break my spirit, so I've taken an unpaid absent day. I'm going to really develop my spirit by taking Daniel and Sam on a birthday adventure to Starkeys for a hike. We're gonna take bird seed and have a picnic after! (Genius!)

When I write it down it still sound like a lot, but interestingly enough, I'm doing ok with it. I think I must be a genius after all...



Love, elly

waffles

I had the garage get me rims for my winter tires a few months ago, so I wouldn't need to switch them back and forth, and they would be ready when winter came along. It seems to have done so with a vengeance, so I went in yesterday to have them switched. Rims don't fit.

I wasn't happy with the way my wipers were performing, so I had the garage replace them when I was having some other work done. Today, while trying to clean the ice off them, they overlapped, and both broke right off. I bought new ones at Canadian tire. Can't figure out how to attach them.

Called the garage to see if they had rims yet and had to listen to him tell me how busy they are trying to make everyone happy. It's not working.

I got an email from my friend Sharon Crowe, telling me how often she thinks of me, how much she likes and admires me and that she loves me. It made me cry.

I read a post of my daughter's, telling others about all the things she has learned. It made me proud and happy.

I listened to my youngest son talk about his concerns and joys as a parent. I appreciate how important it is to him and how much "in love" he is with his family.

I was invited to share waffles with Kelly and the boys tonight. Not the best meal for me. Company was perfect!

People are what matters; the other shit can all blow up, but as long as we have people to love, who also love us, all will be well.

"Why can't I just eat my waffle?" Barack Obama

Love, elly

oops

I fell asleep!

I weighed in at the Y at 192 lbs. 2 more to my goal.

I can hear the wind blowing in the trees outside (the window is open a crack), it's chilly in here, the fireplace is on beside me, and I'm warmly snuggled under the covers. Beautiful!

I had hoped to go to Pilates at the Y, but fate had other plans, which I enjoyed immensely. I finally figured I should get my snow tires on as it seems winter really is starting this early. I had arranged for them to get my tires on some rims a few months back, so they would be ready to switch, and not need to be taken off the summer rims. Unfortunately, once they had the summer tires off the van, they discovered that they rims they got didn't fit! The roads were icing already as I left the garage, so I went straight home. Then Tim called to ask if I could help out with the kids. Jen is quite sick with some flu bug, and Aubrey needs more drugs for another ear infection, so he went out to pick up some things and I stayed with the kids! Best part of my day!!

Love, elly

too late, too tired...

But good! The better I eat the more profound my gratitude.

Love, elly

tired...

...but content! It doesn't really get any better that that, eh? Best day.

Love, elly

blessings

My back is much improved.
My sinuses are still congested, but improved enough that I'm getting enough sleep to keep me sane(r).
I love my job. It allows me to be very aware of some advantages I have that lots of people don't have.
My children and their spouses are all people I like and love.
My grandchildren are beautiful, smart, strong and healthy.
My extended family are generous, honest and kind.
I have everything I need

Love, elly

my little man is 6!

Happy birthday to Daniel! I remember being privileged to be there when he was born and my joy at his being here has not abated since. He is such a joy!

Another good day, thanks to some support from Cory last evening.

Love, elly

a little good

Maybe not better than yesterday, but at least as good. I got up to get in the pool this morning, so my back is already less aggravated. Wednesday is a busy day at work this month, and I enjoy it more when I'm busy. Cory came by to share supper with me, so I barbequed, in spite of the cold. It was just a good day all the way around and I don't really care if I ate well because it was a good day or if it was a good day because I ate well. Who cares, right?

I did get on the scale this morning because I wasn't there Mon and I weighed in at 195 lbs, 5 more to my goal.

Love, elly

a little better

Not a bad day overall. I seem to have managed to pinch a nerve in my back, but I think it will be fine when I get back in the pool. This cough, sore throat seems to be getting worse, though. Last night I got about an hour and a half sleep and so far it's not looking much better tonight. Ugh!

I had supper with Tim and Jen and their amazing kids. I tried the "roast" option on my crock pot for the first time today and was very impressed. I browned it first, using the "saute" setting, and it was nice and rare. Yummy!

Love, elly

fail

Today I couldn't get out of bed to get to the gym. I was late for work. We had our last day out at the farm at Ignatius, where we pickled carrots, made butternut squash pie, made fresh mint tea, and drank sweet hot milk. I had several helpings of shepherds pie, not realizing that someone hadn't had any!

After work I ate the pie for supper with a glass of milk, but I'm not worried. Pete says I'm still searching is all. He's right!

I'm changing my goal to 190 pounds, with a 2 week time frame.

"Ever tried? Ever fail? Never mind. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." Samuel Beckett

Love, elly

home

I'm tired so this will be short. It was a wonderful weekend with the best friends ever! I ate a lot of ice cream and will be paying for that for a while. I also got into the snap pea crisps today, but in spite of both I managed the rest very well. We had no hot water for some reason, so we boiled water for dishes. I walked a lot, including getting all the way to sauble beach today. I came back a little early for Daniel and Sam's birthday party which was awesome! It was nice to see all the kids there, pick up the dogs and get home. Also, I've had a sore throat and cough all weekend.

That's it, love you all, elly

tougher...

but I survived day 2 of eating to live. I'm very proud and pleased about that especially because I had 2 meetings this afternoon and evening, both of which included food. Now I'm packing for myself and the dogs to go away for the weekend. I'm going with the girls to the cottage for a sister's weekend and the dogs are going to visit with Em and Grace. I'm not sure who's more excited!!

I will be incommunicado for the weekend but will check in Sunday after Sam and Daniel's birthday party.

"The tougher the job, the greater the reward." George Allen Sr

Love, elly

Eat to live

I admit that it's still early, but I'm blogging now, while I can say that today, I ate to live healthy. I actually wasn't feeling that great and decided to stay home and rest. I did this with the full knowledge that I might spend the whole day eating, without other commitments to occupy the time. I think I've underestimated the physical and emotional drain of the last few weeks. I napped and read on and off all day till about 2 when I went out for a walk. Then about 4, I went out for a few groceries, gassed up the van, came home and COOKED supper.

It was simple, but I chopped veggies, which has been a real challenge. Not only did I get a splint that works well for my hand, I also got the Coles notes tutorial on taping, and some stretches to do to maintain range of motion. I'm thrilled! I might even do the dishes later.

For today, I'm extremely grateful!

"Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live." Socrates

"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get." Robert Orben

Love, elly

feeling like a failure

I just can't seem to get through a day without losing it. Of course my work environment is terrible, but I need to figure out how to survive it! At least I can control my home environment, but tonight I was at Kelly's...eating things I didn't even really enjoy. Failure is NOT an option, yet success seems out of reach today. Eat to live...

Love, elly

avoiding

Yesterday I was avoiding you, and by that I mean me. Not today. I weighed in at the Y this morning at 194 lbs. Not the right direction, but I'm getting there by the circuitous route. I am getting there! It was the acknowledgement that when I'm here alone for long periods that I wallow and worry. So, as well as walking, which I've done, I went back to a Pilates class at the Y. It was a little tricky with my hand, but I adapted. Yesterday I cleaned the bathroom, and did some gardening with help from Paula. I figured people with one hand do lots of things, so I'm gonna get doing whatever I can.

I got a referral today to have a proper splint made, and an appointment for tomorrow to get it done. I'm excited!

I really love this horticulture therapy program I'm attending at Ignatius with some students every Monday. Today we pickled beets and carrots and made a beet chocolate cake. You'll be excited to know my pee is pink!

Sometimes I need to take a day off, just to remember how important it is for me to do.

Love, elly

lazy

...and a little depressed. I spent the morning at Kelly's house with the 4 boys, after we had all been to market. I stopped by Wal-Mart after dropping the Crowe boys at home, to see if I could buy a cover for my new phone. No luck, it's too new! So I went home, had lunch and a long nap. Then I called Paula to see if she wanted to go to the mall with me to look there for a cover. I've had the phone for almost a week and we all know I'm gonna drop it sooner or later! Success at last and it wasn't even that painful, especially considering how much I hate going to the mall. Then I dropped her off at home, and had a short, but fun, visit with Mary, who's still recovering from being hit by a car on her way home on her bike. Back home where I broke my rule about not eating with electronics; I ate the whole bag of grapes! Yikes!!

...and a little scared. When I'm with people it's not too heavy on my mind, but when I'm alone at home and everything I try to do has to be thought out to see how to manage it without my right hand, it's downright discouraging. I know it's not going to be this bad forever, but I also know it's never going to get totally better. I've been frustrated so much over the last 20 years by the increase in pain and instability in my joints, that it's hard to not jump ahead to the next 20. Scary!

...and a bit of an idiot! Funny that the one thing I could have done without using my hand, that would have made me feel better, was walk. Tomorrow that's definitely on my agenda, even though it's fuckin' winter! I can also read without too much trouble, so I think I'll plan on some of that too!



Love, elly

Thanks

Thank god that temptation is over for another year! The best part was seeing the kids in their costumes and getting pics of Em and Grace!

Thank god some women are brave enough to go public with their experience with a certain CBC, rather ex CBC host, in spite of their obvious reluctance to expose themselves to criticism. I'm so grateful that they're willing to be part of change that still needs to happen.

Thank god I work with a group of people who know how to have fun together. They're awesome!! I hope you recognize our game of "guess who?"

!

Thank god the Dr who took over the practice of the Dr who died is efficient, direct, not afraid to ask someone else's opinion, and personable. Thank god he's sending me to see an occupational therapist to make a proper splint for my hand. Thank god Rachel has offered Charlie's services if the local route takes too long.

Thank god for family!

Love, elly

Halloween chocolate overdose =

...monster migraine, flashing vibrating lights and stiff neck! Well, that didn't go well...

Love, elly

roller coaster

It was an emotional day, and I'm exhausted, but better than yesterday. I woke up still feeling kind of fragile, but went to the Y and got in the pool. I was still pretty emotional by the time I got to work, so I called and got some support and felt better. Then the principal asked how I was doing and I just started to cry, but she was supportive and kind. It's a good thing I love my work, as that got my mind busy and engaged and not thinking about me.

I booked the afternoon off to speak at clinic and that always makes me feel better. I'm not alone in my struggles or emotions. I find it so rewarding to talk with people who accept my contribution with gratitude, and I hope I help them as well. I still think there should be more or longer follow up to the program, but it is what it is. One of the groups asked about my husband and if he was supportive, so I told them he had left. It was quite wonderful after to have one of the gentlemen come to tell me I was a good looking woman and my husband was nuts!

I stopped a few places to look for a better splint, bought a small one, but it's no good either. They suggested I get a physiotherapist to make me one, so will ask Dr Ting about it on Friday when I go back to see him.

The afternoon was the turning point and the day kept getting better. Kelly made me supper, cleaned off my kitchen counter and insisted I play with the boys while she did. Awesomeness! I'm going back to clinic in the morning for another 2 groups and am quite looking forward to it. It's good for what ails me.

"I'm not sure I always feel like I'm in the seat. Sometimes I'm only holding on by one hand and flying out behind the roller coaster. I don't know anybody who doesn't feel that way." David Morse

Love, elly

I don't know how they do it!

Really, I don't know how people do all the things that are expected and necessary for living these days. By the time I finish work, I'm lucky if I can make supper, feed the dogs, blog and get into my pjs before I crash. If there's something to be done that has any emotional energy attached to it, it's even harder to accomplish. Included in that list for me are things like paying bills, changing beneficiaries on my pension plan and life insurance, remembering or changing passwords, discussing contentious items and asking for help.

I don't know how much of my difficulty getting things done is related to my EDS (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome), and it's such a complex disorder that I don't really think there's any way to know for sure. Depression due to the lengthy and difficult diagnosis is common, as well as varying degrees of exhaustion caused by the constant inflammation associated with it. I know everyone handles it differently as well, as my youngest daughter gets so much done, no matter how challenging her symptoms are.

For me, I still think it's healthier to struggle a bit and not increase my antidepressant, as increasing it is depressing in itself. My kids and my siblings are all so competent and just "git 'er done", that it's hard not to feel inadequate in comparison. So many of them have huge challenges that they face and still find time and energy to help others. I don't know how they do it!

Probably the most destructive part of it all is listening to the criticism that plays out in my head. Sometimes I can face that down and win the argument. Other days I know there's no argument at all, but still others I simply cower under the weight of it. Today was one of those days, but I refuse to allow 2 of them in a row. Tomorrow I will accept that what and who I am is enough. Till then, good night!

"Sometimes I'm so tired, I look down at what I'm wearing, and if it's comfortable enough to sleep in, I don't even make it into my pajamas. I'm looking down, and I'm like, 'T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that's fine. It's pajama-y, good night.'" Rebecca Romijn

Love, elly

feeling useless

...in general, but also specifically because I'm so limited by what I can do without my right hand. It's also pretty painful and the splint doesn't fit properly, which is causing pain in my other hand joints too.

I weighed in at 189lbs, still going in the right direction.

On a happy note, I got a new phone, not serviced by Rogers. Interesting enough, they called me 4 times today begging me to keep them and finally resolved the issue that Bernie and I have spent close to 24 hours trying to resolve...funny!

Love, elly

Happy birthday Adrian! Happy birthday Adrian!

Yup, 2 Adrians with birthdays on the same day. 1 is 4 and the other is 25, and they're both awesome. I hope you had a great day guys!!

I have discovered a few things...I can wipe with my left hand, so you're off the hook, Roo. I have some gloves and a finger splint that, when combined, allow me to do a few dishes without too much difficulty. Cutting/chopping is still a challenge, as well as writing, which may be a problem at work. I got some expert splint advice from Erin, who has done a lot of research into EDS, and who is currently our resident expert. I'm going to ask the board to order me one and see what they say.

Roger sucks really much and I refuse to pay them to fuck me over any more; that jobs taken! I'm going to see Kevin on Monday to get a new phone and try out someone new. It can't be worse!

I had birthday cake today, but otherwise things continue to go well.

I'm off to bed! Love, elly

sign of things to come?

While I was aware most of the night that my finger (middle, right hand) was not straightening, I still thought maybe I could force it open. Not so, nor could the Dr. Eventually, after consulting with a surgeon, he injected the tendon in my palm with a steroid and an analgesic, and pulled it open. Even though it was numb, the relief when it popped was intense. Now I'm wearing a splint, which doesn't fit well, and I've had to adjust to make it do what it needs to do. Eventually I will do some physio, which likely won't help...

The biggest problem for me physically is not having the use of my right hand for anything. I'm going to have to figure out how to chop food to cook and eat, do dishes, wipe my ass, shower, etc, etc... The really big problem, though, isn't physical at all, it's mental. How do I not give up? How do I think I can be a landlord, when I don't know how I'm gonna take care of my own basic needs? I can't use a drill or screwdriver. Being at Teresa's and not feeling safe to get on the roof was the beginning. I can't help but be afraid that I will be able to do less and less as the effects of the disease meets with my aging body. However, I know that for me, as for most people, the fear about it is the worst part; the "not knowing". As I learn to deal with it, one day at a time, I trust that will dissipate. I've always known I was this stubborn for a reason!

That's all for tonight, as I keep having to correct when my splinted finger hits a key I didn't intend...

Thanks for the listen. Love, elly

feeling sorry for myself

Typing is a challenge with one finger locked up, bent over. It will be better by morning!

Love, elly

challenge

Tracking and restrictions regarding eating with electronics are definitely making a difference. Also, I still sometimes eat something at work, but I'm much more selective. For now, it feels tentative, but ok. I'll take it!

My biggest challenge lately has been sleep. The biggest challenge with sleep being difficult is that I'm much more likely to indulge when I'm tired, which quickly translates to out of control. So, I'm taking the Dr's advice and going to bed. I don't like how disjointed it makes me feel when I'm in bed early and then awake later. It's also frustrating when I stay up and then can't get to sleep when I do go to bed. The positive is that I'm not eating to deal with it. The reality is that there are times that I simply cannot stay awake, I'm that tired. I guess bed and disjointed is still better than tired and eating. I'll take it!

I took a big risk today and asked a young man if he would like to help me install the new wiper on my van. It hasn't happened yet, as it was raining, but he has agreed to do it. I'm hoping to be able to let the judge know that he helped me repair the damage he caused. I'll take it!

"I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" Ernest Hemingway

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." W. C. Fields

Love, elly

the right direction

"Today is done, tomorrow is another one." Dr Seuss

192 lbs, the right direction.

Love, elly

gift

Today was one of those rare gifts that surprise you when they come along. No particular reason for feeling good; just poof, there it is.

Spending the night with kids is always an adventure, and while last night was no exception, there were enough rest breaks, love snuggles and giggles that I was still fairly rested when we got up. We had breakfast, played a while, went to the Y for some awesome cousin fun, had a snack and went home by noon.

Then I proceeded to have a totally relaxing day, watched a movie, did some laundry, made a pot of ox tail soup, did some chores; essentially did whatever I felt like, in that order!

I did much better tracking today and continue to do fairly well with my intake. I have been trying mostly to not read, watch tv, or be on my tablet while I eat. That way it's more difficult to mindlessly munch down more than I planned. It seems to help, so I think it's worth doing.

"I believe that the greatest gift you can give your family and the world is a healthy you." Joyce Meyer

"Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God." Leo Buscaglia

...and my favourite tonight;
"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them." Desmond Tutu

Love, elly

coma

I missed blogging last night because I was in a black licorice induced coma. Tonight Daniel and Sam are sleeping over so Kelly doesn't murder one of them. I feel blessed.

I tried most of the morning to find a replacement rear wiper arm for the van, with no luck. I'm gonna try the wrecker still, before I call the dealership.

I didn't do very well tracking today or yesterday, but aside from the licorice, I think I did mostly ok. Tomorrow I'm committed to doing better.

Daniel says his favourite super hero is superman and his favourite dinner is burgers priest. His favourite video game is Lego marvel super heroes and he says he's even more crazy about me than I am about him! It doesn't get better than this!

Love, elly

clarity

An angry young man tore the rear wiper off my van today at work. The same angry young man who was kicking my bike. He wasn't mad at me today, but my van was the closest. I feel pretty violated, but I'm feeling pretty clear too about my intention for dealing with it. I spoke to the officer, who asked if I wanted him charged. The social worker was there at the time too, so I asked both of them their opinion about the benefits of doing so and they were both of the opinion that it would be useful for him and potentially harmful not to hold him accountable. As I had only recently been thinking about the possibility of police intervention after the bike incident, the rationale was already pretty clear in my mind, so I said I wanted to go ahead. I completed a victim impact statement, including that I think he has lots of good qualities, and that while I want some restitution, if financial payback would be a hardship, I would be happy with him doing some washing/ cleaning of the van, or some community service to help others. My hope is that it would help him to take responsibility for his choices.

I almost second guessed myself late this afternoon when the social worker came to me, said she had discussed it with the principal, and she decided it would be better to do a restorative justice circle, where we all talk about how we feel about the incident, but the justice system isn't involved. I really questioned my motives and felt unsettled about it. Once I had a bit of time to think it over, I'm clear about my motives being honourable and my direction clear. I'm angry that she discussed this with the principal without asking me first and that she was reluctant to hear my objections. She wants everything to get pretty by playing "nice", and I don't think that's always the answer. I want to be respectful, but I also want respect. I feel ok about it and hope it doesn't cost too much to repair.

I had a short but lovely snuggle with Nella P, and had Cory over for supper and a visit. Jeff and his buddy came over with the sewer camera and unfortunately, the problem is not with the city, but 5 ft in from the bathroom. We may be able to clear it with a heavier snake, but we need to contact Ontario one call, to get clearance first, just in case there's a gas line caught somewhere nearby. Oh well...

Did I mention how fantastic the window in my kitchen is? It's simply superb! I love my down house.

I am also getting more clarity about my eating. Tracking has been a huge help, even when I went over my goals by more than 1000 calories. I was being pretty careful because I was recording and I still went over that much! Today was much better, only over 100 calories and that included a treat this evening. I'm good with that and anticipate that I will stay on track better if I continue to record; pretty good trade off!

Time for resting now!

"I continue to be drawn to clarity and simplicity. 'Less is more' remains my mantra." Stephanie Rolland

"Revenge only engenders violence, not clarity and true peace. I think liberation must come from within." Sandra Cisneros

Love, elly

pooched

Tired, sleepy, wrung out, exhausted, just plain beat.

TTYL, elly

surprise

Several surprises, actually, some good and some not so much!

I weighed in at the Y this morning at 194 lbs, up another 2 lbs. That in itself wasn't really surprising, especially with the holiday and other things going on that have caused some pretty out-of-control eating lately. However, I decided as this is continuing in a direction I'm definitely not happy with, I resolved to reactivate my fitness pal and track my intake for a while. That seemed to have an immediate positive impact, but I was still over my daily limit by afternoon snack! Yikes!! Surprise # 1.

Surprise # 2 came in the form of a roundabout apology from a student who has been kicking my bike hard enough to shift the handlebars! He's been pretty mad at me, but I haven't reacted, and when I told the principal what was happening, she checked the video, spoke to him about it, and he went back out and did it again! She doesn't always support staff all that well, and I had the feeling that she was going to brush it off. She asked the social worker to ask him about it, and he took responsibility for it. He apologized, and said he would prefer I had spoken to him. He is often quite confrontational when addressed, so I wouldn't have normally done that. I said I was happy to do that, although it's why he was mad at me in the first place! He thanked me, I thanked him, he said you're welcome!! It was pretty special, especially for this young man.

Surprise # 3 maybe shouldn't be a surprise, but it still shocks me to be as tired as I am. I think it's partly catch up from the middle of the night call, partly a little depression that's normal for me this time of year, and maybe even from overeating. My hot flashes are back with a vengeance, so I'm pretty sure that's not helping either. I've had hardly any for the last year, and I thought 10 years was long enough. Apparently I'm wrong again! I'm going to try to get back to the Y for some evening activities once or twice a week to see if that helps. Kelly has a membership now too, so I can bug her and Anne to go too!

So I'm continuing indefinitely with myfitnesspal, getting back to the gym more, and going to bed early tonight. I'm determined!

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder." Charles Morgan

"One day I looked at something in myself that I had been avoiding because it was too painful. Yet once I did, I had an unexpected surprise. Rather than self-hatred, I was flooded with compassion for myself because I realized the pain necessary to develop that coping mechanism to begin with." Marianne Williamson

Love, elly

being grateful is exhausting!

It was a glorious day filled with fun n laughter, food n family, work n play. Baby Penelope is improving since starting the iv antibiotic and we hope to have her home tomorrow. The worst part about her being in the nursery is that the boys can't see her! Grandma is allowed, though, so I made sure to get my cuddles in!

We missed all the Crowe kids today, as Em is still feeling sick, so they didn't come; Tim stopped by but didn't bring the boys...perhaps we'll try to get everyone together soon, but realistically, it'll probably be Christmas!

Too tired for more. Goodnight all!

Love, elly

thanks

I didn't mean to take the day off yesterday, but sometimes when it happens that I fall asleep, I wake up later and still post. That might have happened if I hadn't gotten a wake up call before I got to wake up! As most of you will know, the call was for grandma duty, to cover the labouring parents, which is the best call of all!

I predicted that this lovely girl would grace us with her presence, but I am truly amazed and thankful every time a new baby arrives. We are so blessed to have healthy beautiful children, even though we may have given them a few too many mobility genes! Penelope Marie Crowe, or Nella P, as Aubrey calls her, is loved and welcomed into our already fabulous family! Now it's perfect!

The boys are loving holding her, kissing and touching her, but they're not too keen on Mama and Dada not coming home right away. They are a pretty close family and Jen has been home with them for a while, so it's an adjustment. Hopefully if Penelope's blood sugar, and Jen's hemoglobin have stabilized by the morning, they will be able to join us for our thanksgiving meal tomorrow. If not, we will give thanks for them anyway!

I'm also glad to have Jay and Anne back in Canada safely! It goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway, that I love and appreciate every very special person in my weird and wonderful family. Thank god for each and every one of you, including those who are not directly related, but family non the less....you know who you are!

"When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself." Tecumseh

"I am what I am thanks to my mother, my father, my brother, my sister... because they have given me everything. The education I have is thanks to them." Ronaldinha

Love and thanks, elly

you'll need lots of rest, she said...

I'm tired so she must be right. I woke up this morning feeling great, but now I'm pooched! Talk soon!

Love, elly

affirmation

I've heard an expression that suggests that people don't need a good talking to, but rather a good listening to. I wholeheartedly agree and think that someone actively listening to one's problems, concerns or sorrows can do a great deal to relieve them.

The Dr at North York Hospital, who happens to be the same Dr Cory saw in 2008 for genetic testing for breast cancer, asked questions, listened, took family and personal histories, and confirmed that Paula and Erin have Ehlers Danlos syndrome, and that I likely do as well. It doesn't change the fact that there is very little that can be done about it, but we are affirmed for the reality that, until now, Dr after Dr had no answers for. Just knowing that there is a reason for everything that's happening makes it easier to deal with. She is also passing along a program of suggested activities to reduce the impact of the illness. These include harm prevention, building muscle to support the joints, getting enough rest, and pain reduction/treatment. I'm super excited that the things she suggested are things that I have been doing already, to some degree. I look forward to seeing the suggestions to fine tune the things I have implemented. It's also affirming that my instincts about what I needed to do to care for myself are right on.

It was an emotional day, but also quite fun at times. We really didn't mean to laugh at Erin's hiccups, but Cory couldn't seem to help herself. Honestly, after 3 months straight, day and night, I'm surprised she hasn't killed someone; I'm pretty sure Cory or I would have by now. I enjoyed the time with the three of them, and traffic on the way home was much better than on the way there. We took our own food too, so it was no pressure about what, when or where we would eat!

"Knowledge is two-fold, and consists not only in an affirmation of what is true, but in the negation of that which is false." Charles Caleb Colton

...and I like the challenge in this one...
"Practice rather than preach. Make of your life an affirmation, defined by your ideals, not the negation of others. Dare to the level of your capability then go beyond to a higher level." Alexander Haig

Love, elly

shitty asshole drivers

I freely admit that very occasionally I can be one of these. Rarely, but it does happen. I'm convinced that it happens seldom enough that I think it's ok for me to recount my bike ride to work this morning...

First off, I hardly ever get all of the lights on Paisley green, but this morning I did! I was excited! Momentum is so awesome!! Until I started to go through the second one (at a pretty good clip, cause I got both green!) and realized that a guy in a large pickup truck, pulling a long trailer (I'm guessing it was 12 to 15 ft long) loaded with lawn care and maintenance equipment turns right in front of me! He did not stop at the red light, but slowed and turned the corner right in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes, but did manage to avoid hitting him. I had visions of being sprawled across all these machines he had loaded; yikes! I got back up to a pretty good speed, as I also got the third light green and was starting the uphill trek, when he turns in front of me again! He was pulling into a lot, but as he started to make his turn, he must have become concerned about his trailer, cause he almost stopped. I lost some rubber that time, and admit to voicing an obscenity rather loudly. I got the first part of his company name, cause he was across the lot by the time I got myself together and that was all I could make out. I had to start back uphill from a dead start, which pissed me off even more!

By the time I got to work, I was still pretty shaken up. I got on my tablet and started looking for property management companies in the area that started with "timber". It only took me about 10 min to find Timberline and I called and left a message. Someone called me back, and told me there were 2 drivers that it could have been. He said they would be spoken to and also that he would review safety concerns for cyclists again with all their drivers. I was quite satisfied with how he handled it and thanked him. I told him I had no desire to, but if it happened again, I would call the police and file a complaint. I hope he actually does what he said he would, as I really believe that most drivers just forget to watch or get distracted, just like me when I'm doing this...they aren't really being shitty assholes!

Big day in Toronto tomorrow, that will hopefully result in some answers eventually. I'll tell you all about it.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers." Dave Barry

Love, elly

Shit

I must be thinking too many shitty thoughts. I've been working at making them more positive, but obviously still have some wiping up to do in that department

I got up yesterday, had my usual steel cut oats and some peaches, and my usual morning constitutional about 5 min later. When I had my things together, ready to go to the gym, I was back in the bathroom for something and realized it smelled like shit. The toilet had flushed fine, but it clearly smelled like shit. I opened the shower and, sure enough, shit! I spent the next hour or so flushing, plunging, vacuuming, repeating. Then I did the same in the toilet. When I flushed, the water came up the shower. When I dumped water in the kitchen sink, it came up the shower. When I plunged the shower or the toilet, nothing happened. I never did get to the gym and was late for work, but it was running ok again and I showered before I left, thank god!

I've had a headache most of the day and around noon today threw my back out. It's been pinching a nerve on and off ever since. I've taken some drugs and will be fine by morning.

I love the natural light coming into the kitchen through my new door! I love my job. I love and appreciate my family and friends! I'm so fortunate that I can call someone to look in my sewers. I'm grateful that I no longer need to use an outhouse or worse! I enjoyed riding my bike home in the rain, because it was pretty light. I'm blessed to have a pool and a hot tub available at the gym to get into in the morning. I refuse to accept any more shitty situations. I welcome clear easy waste removal!

Drugs are kicking in...talk soon!

"Crap has always happened, crap is happening, and crap will continue to happen." Chuck Palahniuk

Love, elly

headache

OK, nasty headache aside, I had a wonderful day at work. I've been assigned to accompany students to the Ignatius farm once a week for the Julian project, where they garden, cook and eat. It's wonderful, organic fresh and we're outside most of the time. Today we made fresh salsa, steamed beets and vegan soup.

I had some one on one time with Sam after work, which was also wonderful. The best could still possibly be that I have a door with a window in the kitchen...awesome!!

I'm going to nurse my headache again.

Love, elly

gifts

Happy birthday to my sweet, funny, gorgeous, and thoughtful niece! She is a special gift to all who know her.

It's her birthday, not mine, but I got a gift too. Last time I talked to Pete, he asked what he could do to help me and I said, come and see me when I'm home so we can talk. Today he decided he'd come and try to fit the door I bought at the restore for $40. I didn't even want to pay $800 for one with a window at home depot, before I realized that it's a little smaller than normal so it would be closer to $1600. He didn't think this one was gonna work, but he was giving it a shot. I think he got scared cause I was gonna be home, so he brought Roo, so I could visit with her and not bug him. Also, then he wouldn't have to talk to me!

He did an absolutely beautiful job, not at all what I had planned! It was cedar under the paint and it smells fantastic too! I had a blast with Roo, and we talked and laughed the afternoon away. Then we went to Costco, where she suggested several different protein bars and convinced me to try these awesome pretzels. She counts out her serving. I will be taking the rest of the bag to school tomorrow, because I don't have the will power she does!

So I got a beautiful new door with a window, which smells heavenly, and a fun visit with a woman I love and admire, whose company I don't get very often. I also finished the carpet runner, put the last 2 transition strips on and finished the edges of a leftover piece to put at the back door. All beautiful gifts, and not even my birthday!

Love, elly

good intentions

I intended to get lots of things done today, like the last 2 coats of varethane in the bathroom, the carpet runner on the stairs, clean, patch the closet upstairs etc, etc.

Fortunately, I realized pretty quickly that I was tired, so I did a little work, had a nap, read and watched a movie. I also made a nice chicken stew in my new cooker, with kale, carrots, onions and sweet potatoes. Yummy!

Maybe tomorrow I'll be more productive. If not, oh well!

Also I may have to go to st Thomas to buy a new bike as they don't go on sale here!

"No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well." Margaret Thatcher

Love, elly

not sure this will be very entertaining...

...but Pete insisted so I will condense our adventure as much as possible.
It started when I got told to "move over, lardass" on my way home on my bike, to which I responded with a one finger salute.
I picked up the boys to go to ball hockey and realized there were no shoes with their gear.
I stopped by their house to get shoes and spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to lock the coded door...apparently you just turn the latch just like the old ones!
When we arrived, I got told the washroom I took the boys into was just for staff, good thing they already peed!
We found both team meeting spots, got supper, and got told Sam's team was playing in 10 min...I pictured burgers barfed all over the rink by 3 and 4 year olds!
We got Sam's jersey, got him wrestled into his gear, went upstairs to play, forgot his water bottle, Sam had to pee again in the middle of the game, found other washrooms, got him back to the game.
At some point I realized that Daniel was to start before Sam finished, turned around to see his team coming up, they had a new kid start and had given him Daniel's jersey.
I rushed Daniel back down to get his gear on, couldn't get the cage off the helmet to get the helmet on, forgot his water bottle.
Got Daniel back up to his team to discover Sam was gone.
Found where he was with his team, got told coaches would bring them all back down.
Went back to tell Daniel I would meet him downstairs, went down to find Sam's team already down and Sam crying because I wasn't there.
Got Sam settled down and remembered Daniel's water bottle, which was empty!
Sam refused to come upstairs with me because they had the Lego movie on for the kids.
I left him there with the others, found a place to fill the water bottle, took it up to Daniel and couldn't figure out how to get the water to come out! It took the coach and I another few minutes to figure that out.
I went back down to Sam, bought a box of girl guide cookies from one of the other kids there, gave one to Sam, which he spit into into my hand after he chewed it; apparently he doesn't like mint!
I heard Daniel's team come down and went to meet him, but he wasn't with the team. When I asked the coach she said he was just right here, but he wasn't any more. We both went looking and discovered he had heard the Lego movie and went in one door as I came out the other!
When we finally got everything and everyone rounded up and headed home, I realized that there were no pj's packed in their bag, so instead of bringing them back to my house we headed home.
We all got soaked giving them a shower, Sam's pj's were wet but we found others, we read a very strange story about how babies are made that refers to eggs and sperm dancing to the stories of their owners, got told I was reading the story in the wrong bed and finally got them settled.
I didn't have a book or my tablet, so I tried to watch TV; apparently I need some kind of technology degree to watch TV over there, which I don't have. I finally just gave up and just paced till Kelly got home!
At some point over the course of the evening, I polished off the rest of the girl guide cookies!
Then I rehashed it all with her and we had a good laugh, I came home and heated up some milk and went to bed!
Today was a very quiet day in comparison, although I felt quite hung over from the chocolate and sugar high!!
Life is good!
Love, elly

comedy of errors

I survived, but just barely! It wasn't funny at the time but telling Kelly about it when she got home was pretty funny...maybe I'll tell you tomorrow. For tonight, I'm going to bed!

Love, elly

yup, I feel better!

For today, I'm very happy with that. I had a good day, felt good, ate well, visited with Paula for supper and am home in bed by 8pm. Oh, and I weighed myself today to know where I'm starting from...192 lbs. Its a good thing I got mad when I did!!

Love, elly

PS Pete, I always admitted when I did anything wrong!!

sigh...

Sewer problems, not new, but still a pain in my ass. They will be resolved one way or another, sooner or later and I don't really care. Strike vote, not new, but a pain in my ass. It will be resolved one way or another, sooner or later and I don't really care. My friend Barbara, one of a kind, lovely, genuine and true, gentle and generous, died last night. I have been blessed to have known her, I miss her terribly, and I really care! My old friend Elenor (82) cried when she called to tell me. I love her so much, it broke my heart almost as much as the news she delivered, and I really care!

I'm eating everything in sight and it makes me think I'm getting close to the answer. I'm also getting mad, which also makes me think I'm getting close to the answer. I'm angry about the people I care about that are sick or dying. I'm angry that the woman who died last week will never have to hear how angry I am about the things she said and did to me, that I never challenged because at the time, it was my job to represent her. I'm angry that the people she lied to about me will never know that they're lies. I'm angry that she never knew or cared how much she hurt me. I'm angry that people are making her out to be an angel now that she's dead, rather than the messed up person she was. I'm angry that people are passing around happy pictures of her. I'm angry that I won't be able to tell her that I forgive her, if I ever get there. I'm really angry!

I might need to talk some more about it, as that helps me to let it go. If I continue to let my anger at her make me unhappy, then I should be angry with myself. The more aware I become, the more I will be able to let it go. She did the best she could, as we all do, but I still have the right to be angry that she made my life hell....and let it go...

Thanks for hangin' with me through that and for listening. I appreciate you!

Love, elly

headache, not new

I'm going to bed...talk soon.
Love, elly

new goal

I imagine that I'm getting to the higher end of the 180s and after some sage advice from an idiot that loves me, I'm going to set a new goal for myself. My goal is to reach 180 pounds again. I made a nice chicken stew in my new cooker and also barbequed some sausage to have during the week. Tonight before I go to bed I'm going to put my steel cut oats in it for the week. So far I like it!

I got a call from my doctor's office this week letting me know that my blood work showed some evidence of a connective tissue disorder, and he wants to retest in 6 weeks. Of course, I've been trying to tell his predecessor for years that there's something wrong with my connective tissue, to no avail. This new guy at least seems to believe me and that's a good thing cause it's getting worse. Yesterday and today my one ankle and knee and the other hip felt unstable and I've had a bone out of place in my hand for about 3 weeks now. My collar bone was displaced but seems to be back reasonably close to where it belongs. We shall see. I'm pretty sure that riding my bike and getting in the pool are good for it! He wants me to start some physio too.

I installed the carpet runner on the stairs today, went to the pool to play for a bit and read. I think the reading has been a bit of an escape lately and I think that is OK. I'm getting pretty bored with all the other things that still need to be done here!

"If you're bored with life - you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things - you don't have enough goals." Lou Holtz

Love, elly

scared

The weeks since school started have had some challenges, but I trusted that I would overcome them and return to a more stable emotional journey. However the last few days have shattered any confidence I might have had and I have felt scared for the first time since starting the program. Scared that I've forgotten everything I learned, scared that I'll revert to my old ways and scared that I'll start to believe the negative thoughts rather than focus on the positive.

I did some reading this evening and am thinking about a few things. I need a strategy for eating, or rather not eating, at work. I know that if I've been out of control at work it is not likely to improve when I get home. I did get to Costco to buy a slow cooker and will try it out tomorrow. I'm also thinking about how I might change some emotional triggers going forward.

I went to help Teresa and Brett with the roof today, but my joints felt too unstable to get on the roof, so I made myself as useful as possible on the ground. It was challenging not to be in the thick of things, but listening to them work I realized that I no longer have the same challenge with needing to be in charge of a project. It was really nice to be there.

For today I can accept that I don't have it under control, but I like the things I'm doing. I will think positive thoughts. I can do this. I will find the way.

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway." John Wayne

Love, elly

shame

Shame is what I felt walking out of shoppers with a litre of ice cream; like if anyone looked closely at me they would know that I planned to eat the whole thing. Shame is what I felt at school when I returned 3 times for quiche; like everyone must be thinking, here comes her 100 pounds back again. Shame is what I feel thinking about all the people at clinic I told to have hope, when I can't find any hope or compassion for myself today. Shame and sadness that I'm still willing to listen to negative talk in my head and believe it. Shame and self loathing for all the opportunities and support I've had and still can't hold it together.

I'm having a little cry as I write this, but I do at least recognize self pity when I hear it and I promise I won't be crying in the morning. I'm gonna get my binder from clinic out and start reviewing it. Then I'm gonna hang out at Teresa's house for the day and hopefully help with the roof in some way or other. I'm also going to buy a slow cooker so I can have meals ready when I get home from work next week. If I'm still struggling this much after the weekend, I'm gonna call the clinic for help. Actually I may reread the diet fix, as it really made sense to me and may help.

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough." Brene Brown

Love elly (l am good enough!)

sometimes you get what you ask for

A woman I know who caused lots of problems for me professionally and personally has died. She was only in her mid fifties. Even in her dying she caused me grief, but the most ironic part is that she has spent so many years of her life off sick, saying she could not possibly come to work, while at the same time vacationing and doing renovations. I guess she finally got what she wanted...no more work for her.

She truly suffered from significant mental illness and I was always ambivalent about her working as opposed to being paid to be off, as I believe she sometimes did more harm than good. Regardless she had a heart of gold and I know she always did her best, even when that felt very painful to me. She just had never been shown a better way and I don't envy her life. I hope she is finally free.

I'm still feeling pretty crappy, but plugging along. I had my 1year check up at the bariatric clinic today and the Dr says I'm doing great! I think so too. Also, I rode my bike again! I'm really loving riding.


"Be careful what you wish for because you will get it. Be even more careful what you work for because you will get it even more quickly." Colin Cunningham

Love, elly

getting sick

It seems like everyone around has been getting sick the last few weeks and I thought I was gonna miss it. The cold sore in my nose, scratchy throat and cough confirm that it's not gonna pass me by this time. I'm so tired too, but that's partly because the water softener recharged last night so Lucy was distraught half the night.

Talk soon, love elly

motivated

I got so much done today: painting, cleaning, laundry, naked painting, changing the bed, cooking, dishes, reading, more painting, walking, and then I invited myself to Kelly's for supper and a movie (toy story 3) (read snuggling with the boys!)

The absolute best thing though, was that I felt like doing it. I have done what needed to be done all summer, but mostly my heart wasn't in it. Today, I wanted to get these things done that will make this my home. I was not overwhelmed at all by the things that still need to be done, and took lots of breaks, but really enjoyed the work as well as the play!

Now I'm gonna read in my clean bed and have a good sleep! I decided!!

Love, elly

decisions

It still kinda boggles my mind that sometimes it really is just as simple as deciding something... It feels like I'm right back on track.

After the boys went home I cleaned up the patio again in spite of the fact that it will need to be done again after the door gets cut down. I also put a coat of paint on the living room upstairs and did some laundry and shopping. Apparently lots of people still prefer to buy electric dryers, which pisses me off cause it means I'm not going to have as much choice in the stacking unit I'm putting upstairs. C'est la vie! Shuh appliances seems like my best bet to get what I want, which is not really surprising seeing as most of my other appliances came from there too.

A rewarding day overall, ending with the neighbours drunken music, which is always surprisingly good!

Love, elly

I call bullshit!

Yup, I call bullshit on myself. I'm not sure how I managed it, but maybe it was helped by the beautiful simple supper I had at Mary's last night. However I was able to get clear, I'm just grateful I did. Settling for "no sugar", when I'm struggling with depression is bullshit! I need to be even more careful than normal. If I can decide not to eat sugar, I can decide to eat healthy. When I don't, I don't think clearly, don't sleep as well and gain weight, which sets up the vicious cycle of depression for me. I might still struggle some days, but I had the best day today that I've had in a long while. I ate clean all day, rode my bike to work and over to the General for the orientation session. It was wonderful. As usual, I don't really know how I was perceived, but there were a lot of nodding heads, so at least they shared my experience.

I bought myself a bright orange jacket to wear, some reflective Velcro straps for my pants, and a pair of gloves at the university athletic wear sale. Mary gave me crap for wearing my black jacket!

I also wanted to tell you about something that made me happy yesterday. When I drove over the train tracks down the street I thought I saw a phone. By the time I got turned around, I saw it get run over. It looked like it may have had a cover on it, and I had already turned around, so I stopped to pick it up. It did have an otter box on it, but it looked like that had come off the first time it got hit. The screen was smashed, but the phone still worked. At the very least, I hoped to return the SIM card. I took it to school the next day, found a student who also uses koodo, switched out the SIM card, and called the kids dad, who came in to pick it up. They were so grateful!

Adrian and Aubrey are having a sleepover, so that's it for tonight.

"There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation."

Love, elly

no sugar

As I sort through the things I'm feeling and how I'm dealing with the things I'm feeling I keep using the strategies that seem to fit best at the time. One of the things that is challenging is the number of foods available while I'm at work. Until I can get back to feeling more in control of what I'm eating, I promise myself that I will not allow refined sugar to cross these lips. It makes me feel the worst and I think it is the worst for me.

Tomorrow I'm going to the clinic to inspire others at another orientation session. I hope I can find something inspirational to say, and if not, I hope at least they inspire me!

I still need to go and book my supply coverage for the morning so will sign off for today.

Love, elly

depression

Depression often stalks me a little this time of year. Depression, the sneaky, slimy, bastard that skulks about waiting for something, anything, to throw me off course enough to get a grip. Well fuck you, you sniveling ratface prick!! I do not concede. I know you're there, I see you, feel you, and yes, I'm eating to keep you at bay. Trust me, I'm gonna keep on keeping on until I win.

I called the wellness coordinator at the board office, who is very helpful and supportive. I had something happen at work today that triggered me, and when I called her about it, she shared my concerns, which made me feel a whole lot better. She will address it at her end and I don't care how it works out, now that I've had my say about it and I know she heard me.

I am continuing to work at improving my sleep hygiene, using my happy lamp, getting in the pool, ride,ing,  walking the dogs and eating as healthy as possible every day. I'm satisfied with that. If I still don't feel any more in charge of it in another 2 weeks, I'm going back to the Dr to talk about other options. I would rather not increase my antidepressant again, but will if I need to.

I had a wonderful impromptu visit with Terry and Karen, and as usual, having a visit with real people really is good for me and makes me happy to be alive.

Thanks to Tim, Mary, and Pete for the words of encouragement; it all helps.

"Scientists have demonstrated that dramatic, positive changes can occur in our lives as a direct result of facing an extreme challenge - whether it's coping with a serious illness, daring to quit smoking, or dealing with depression. Researchers call this 'post-traumatic growth.'" Jane McGonigal

Love, elly

yawn!

The tiredness just drops over me like a wet blanket. One minute I'm sitting here feeling fine and the next I can hardly make it to the bed or get my clothes off. Is this just me?? Does this happen to everyone as they age? Holy Shit!!

Gotta go before it gets worse, and it gets worse fast!!

Love, elly

tired

I have resolved as much as possible to blog before getting into bed. I am just too tired most of the time to get it done otherwise. I fall asleep during, wake up an hour later, sometimes several times. Some days I have to go back to check what I wrote the next day to see if it makes sense.

If my sleep patterns don't improve soon, I'm going to have to go back to the Dr, and I hate going there! Some afternoons I'm falling asleep in class. I've also been waiting for almost a month for this appointment for ultrasound on my shoulders and when I called today to check the time, I was told that I didn't have an appt. She said she didn't know who booked it, but told me to come on Thursday anyway and they would try to fit me in. Frustrating. I booked it the same day I booked my mammogram and she had the record of that!

I'm probably still eating too much, but definitely doing better with selection. I didn't have time to get to the Y this morning after blood work, but I did drive the van back home and ride my bike to work. Tomorrow for sure, back in the pool.

Here's an interesting tidbit; I paid the lawyer's bill today for the change of wills and power of attorney, and the separation agreement. However, we have been trying since November to get Rogers to sort out our accounts with changes we requested before our separation, to no avail! I gotta figure out some other place to do business!

Now I'm going to bed to read for a little before I fall asleep. Wish me sleep luck. Mary, is there a sleep saint?

Love, elly

procrastination

Sometimes you just need to wait... and wait. There are times when I plan or look for something, but the perfect solution eventually presents itself, if I just wait. I've been trying to figure out how to hang up my electric toothbrush, as the hanger is long gone. I've looked at hooks, small shelves but nothing suited. When I was talking to Kelly about it she said, "I think it could still be hanging in the bathroom at home." Sure enough, it was still on the wall on Raglan St and had never been removed. It is now perfectly supporting my toothbrush. I often find the same is true for lots of things; they need their own time to resolve.

I am doing slightly better with my eating. It will resolve in time.

Some things cannot be postponed however. They include telling people that you love them, visiting the dying and any opportunity to see 90 year old Tante Ida, which I did this afternoon. It was a bonus that some of our cousins that we grew up with were there too! She is still just as lovely and down to earth as she was back then. No wonder she was mom's best friend.

I'm having some blood work in the morning and hope it's finished on time to still get in the pool before work.

Love, elly

continue

I continue to struggle with eating and sleeping. I continue to be confident that I will resolve it. I made myself stay up a bit later in the hopes that I would sleep longer. The result; I fell asleep before blogging and am awake at 2:40 instead of midnight or 2. I continue to problem solve and I'm hopeful that getting back in the pool will help. That should happen sometime next week, I think the 15th.

I'm going to try to sleep some more...

Love, elly

sad news

My friend is dying but I'm happy that I have been able to see her several times and hope she will be able to visit at some point again soon. I had to tell her today that the husband of our good friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer today as well. Our friend also asked me to tell our "old" friends (90 and 83), which I agreed to do, of course. I not only am so sad myself, but feel so much compassion for these others who are sick and old and still have to get sad news. I'm self medicating tonight and I promise tomorrow I will not. Actually I'm stopping now and going to bed.

Love, elly

birthday

A person very special to me had a birthday today. He is kind, thoughtful, enthusiastic, generous, sweet, loving, honest, creative, funny, engaging, and an extra son to me. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. He is far from perfect, but never gives up, which is exactly the way I like 'em! Happy birthday Danny, and thanks for being born!! Thanks especially for choosing to be part of my family, idiots that we are.

Bits of trivia: I forgot to take rain gear to work and had to ride home without it. I love working with these kids at school; it's really a good job! Burgers Priest makes mighty fine burgers, and wonderful fries. I'm a lucky Grandma! I love my memory foam bed. Someone is coming to see the house tomorrow. I have an appointment for ultrasound on my shoulders and can't find the paper I wrote the date on.

Love, elly

darkness

In the daylight I feel hopeful, joyful, free. When the darkness sets in, as it does this time of year, it seems I struggle to even articulate my own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it sounds to me like I'm asking for forgiveness, or that I'm feeling righteous or trying to justify myself. Things that I'm sure I understand don't make it past supper, the witching hour. Sometimes I think I should just go to bed when I get home, but I know that's not the answer. It's better to be active and productive as late as possible, but my body forgets that, so after a long day, I sit. Maybe this is what the early stages of dementia feels like... It's always a struggle to write after that point of the day, and yet it feels even more important to do so. I think not being able to be in the pool is really exacerbating an already difficult time of year, and walking and biking are the only things saving me from myself at this point.

On Monday I weighed in at the Y at 182 lbs. I continue to do great with food, until the witching hour, when all hell breaks loose, in one form or another. This morning I dropped in to see Adrian and Aubrey and brought the leftover pudding cups to them for their lunches, so that I wouldn't sit down to them again tonight. I'm either the slowest learner this side of the Congo, or just an idiot!

I will not go gently into the dark night...

Love, elly

the fence fell down...no post!

this, not that

I had planned to make several admissions, talk about cheating in it's various forms and set myself straight. In the meantime, a wise man suggested I ride my bike somewhere, which I did, and I got myself straight. I might still talk about it sometime, but not today.

Today is for covering holes for sewer clean outs, shimming support posts, cutting holes in closets for laundry appliances, taking peaches to a dying friend, talking to sisters, reading, patching holes in walls, sorting toys, moving routers, walking dogs, making steel cut oats, and yes, biking! Indeed a perfect Sunday without the confession.

"Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week." Joseph Addison

Love, elly

all over the map

I am really missing being in the pool. It is closed for 2 weeks, one for routine maintenance, and the extra week to remove the slide and build a new office. I have considered going elsewhere, but I still want to go before work and then ride my bike to work, so time constraints don't allow for that. I have been taking the dogs for a long walk instead, which is causing some minor discomfort in my one knee, but nothing serious. My perineum is quite tender after the week of riding twice a day, but not enough that I would consider not doing it. It's been awesome!!

My eating has been very unpredictable this week too, at times feeling fine about it and at other times feeling pretty out of control. I'm definitely more tired than usual and it's always harder to control when I am tired. I try to just go to bed as the Dr suggested, but then I'm still awake a few hours later and still dealing with it. A work in progress!

I cleaned off another layer of sawdust today and sorted through all the paperwork in and on the filing cabinet. Tomorrow I hope to actually get it organized. I also sorted the remaining boxes still sitting around.

Emotionally I feel all over the map too, sometimes feeling fine and at other times a bit down. I've started using my happy lamp regularly again, as this time of year always means less sunlight being back at work, combined with the natural progression of the seasons.

Love, elly