shame

Shame is what I felt walking out of shoppers with a litre of ice cream; like if anyone looked closely at me they would know that I planned to eat the whole thing. Shame is what I felt at school when I returned 3 times for quiche; like everyone must be thinking, here comes her 100 pounds back again. Shame is what I feel thinking about all the people at clinic I told to have hope, when I can't find any hope or compassion for myself today. Shame and sadness that I'm still willing to listen to negative talk in my head and believe it. Shame and self loathing for all the opportunities and support I've had and still can't hold it together.

I'm having a little cry as I write this, but I do at least recognize self pity when I hear it and I promise I won't be crying in the morning. I'm gonna get my binder from clinic out and start reviewing it. Then I'm gonna hang out at Teresa's house for the day and hopefully help with the roof in some way or other. I'm also going to buy a slow cooker so I can have meals ready when I get home from work next week. If I'm still struggling this much after the weekend, I'm gonna call the clinic for help. Actually I may reread the diet fix, as it really made sense to me and may help.

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough." Brene Brown

Love elly (l am good enough!)