I'm early

I've tried several evenings to write this post, but it's emotional and I wanted to make sure I wasn't tired, as otherwise it would overwhelm me. Please be forewarned that I'll be talking about Bernie and money, so if this makes you uncomfortable, just skip the post. I intend no disrespect at all!

In Dec, as a year had passed since Bernie left, it started going around in my head. I didn't intend this, but I think the year was enough time to allow some of the pain to diminish, so that I could look more objectively.

A few things surprised me. The first thing was that I'm angry; I wanted to write him and ask him to reply to my letter (which he has said he would do several times), to explain why he left. A friend said to me, "If he knew and was able to tell you that, he would still be there." I knew she was right and there was more underneath.

So I stewed for a few more days and figured out I'm mad about the money. Then I wanted to write him to explain how much more money he got, just because I needed him to understand. The same thought hit me. If he could understand that, he would still be here.

Then the truth really hit me; I arranged the financial settlement. I decided not to include all of his vehicles in our assets (between $30 and $35 thousand, not counting the tractor), and when he asked for $5000 more than what I was suggesting, I agreed. I was trying so hard not to be unfair or mean to him in any way, that I was...to myself! Ergo, I was really mad at myself!!

Of course this fits perfectly with my mistaken notions that I'm not good enough, and I didn't try hard enough, didn't compromise enough...etc. So I should be mad at myself for being so stupid and setting myself up to be in the financial position I'm in.

Thank god that wasn't the end of my process, and I realized that it's ok to forgive myself and Bernie for our shortcomings. It's also ok to learn from this and not continue to put other people before me, even financially. Then I need to let go of the anger, and writing this will help me to do so. I'm gonna be kinder to me.

I also realized that of all the things I lost with the end of our relationship, the money is the least important to me. I'm ok with that!

I also have a separate thought that I wanted to share about the holidays and my food intake. I didn't avoid food situations, had some extras, although selectively, and managed a food laden time quite well. I'm really pleased with my progress to date!

Thanks for the listen, elly