Hope

I'm going to attempt a post with the clear understanding that I might not be successful. I have abandoned the practice lately because it seemed to be making things worse. I have tried again the past 2 days, but today feels like something might be possible.

On Thursday I met a woman whose name is Talaria. Speaking with her has given me some hope that she might be able to help me. Next week I will start EMDR (eye movement desentization and reprogramming) sessions with her. She has told me that it will never eliminate triggers, but that it should help to decrease my reaction to them. Apparently it allows the frontal cortex of the brain, which is impacted during extreme stress, to heal, allowing it to reengage in a more normal way. No worries about me ever becoming completely normal, thank god!

This morning I actually felt like getting out of bed. I had no heaviness or anxiety and managed to get the dogs out for a walk and read a little before the anxiety reared its' ugly head again. This is the first time in months that I've had time that was reasonably comfortable, except for when I'm with the kids. I think they are so spontaneous and grounded in reality that it's impossible for me to be anxious around them. I'm grateful.

I've gained about 30 lbs in the last few months and Talaria told me to keep being as compassionate as possible with myself about it. That's not easy.

I really want to document my progress during this new treatment, and I will continue to weigh in once a week, but my focus for now will be on feeling better. I'm convinced that once I feel better, I'll get a handle on the eating again. I will only post as I feel able, but will make a concerted effort after each session.

I have a right to a safe place to exist.
Love, elly