More patience required

I know that I've been struggling a bit the past few days and I was really looking forward to seeing Talaria to discuss things today. After our last session I was confused about what we had discussed and I needed to clarify. We talked about protection and feeling safe. I was able to envision a time when I felt safe and I was to concentrate on that while I had the bilateral stimulation. She also suggested that I try to think about it over the next two weeks. Unfortunately I realized that this occasion was one in which I had orchestrated the safety and protection and I wasn't sure if that was what I was supposed to focus on. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I have never really enjoyed a sense of safety and protection unless I had orchestrated it myself.

Apparently this is an indication that she is proceeding too quickly. I think that my years of therapy make me understand the intellectual aspects of what I'm going through. However I think the grief and sense of loss are still with me and it's those things that catch up with me when I have more unstructured time, such as Christmas break. Christmas has been a difficult time anyway for a number of years.

So today we just talked about how I'm feeling about the lack of safety and protection that I experienced and she validated my experience. I find it quite ironic that she described my feelings about mom and dad as akin to a mine field, especially considering that so many of their earlier experiences were exactly that. We then worked at releasing some of the grief about it.

I don't even think of this as a real stumbling block as much as a deeper understanding of everything involved. I know from my own experience with teaching that it's impossible to learn anything without feeling safe. That's why one of our first priorities with our students is to find a connection for them. Something or someone that they can relate to and feel safe with. So it makes some sense that I'll have a harder time integrating these things on an emotional level because I never experienced that when I was young.

I don't even know if I'm describing this very well, and to be honest, I don't really care. I'm doing the best that I can. I'm still just as committed to figuring it out, but it might take longer than I'd hoped.

I had a lovely lunch with Teresa after and a walk along the river. By the time I got home I was so cold that I just couldn't get warm. I think that's also because of the emotional release I've been working on.

Really, in the big picture, I'm impressed about how much I've enjoyed this break, even eating well for a lot of it. The time I get with my grandchildren is such a gift and I feel so blessed that they're all close. Of course, when I fall, I fall hard, but it hasn't stopped me from enjoying the kids. I even gave away most of the second batch of cookies rather than eating them all myself!

Onward and upward!
Love, elly