despair

I'm trying not to give it much power, but I've been feeling quite hopeless lately, particularly in regard to my weight battle, but in general as well. It is certainly partly that I'm ready to be done with the hibernation that the weather is imposing, and possibly partly that I do actually need a higher dose of antidepressant than I want to need. It's particularly depressing to realize the full force of this after a day of such sheer joy such as I had yesterday.

I met some of the gang in the pool and those who couldn't make it came over after for food and games. My family is such a joy to me and I couldn't want for a more generous, kind or loving bunch. Fun too! Other than a few lumps on heads and the fact that we missed Auntie Anne, it was a perfect day!

So why, after they left did this start to wash over me? I think I've abolished the old beliefs that I don't deserve such gifts, but maybe not totally? All I know is that I have started eating with wild abandon, and the accompanying sadness is quite overwhelming. I suspect that my lack of confidence in my ability to offer any hope to others at clinic is weighing on my mind with more bitterness than I had anticipated too. I was grateful to be called on to watch Kelly's boys for a while so she could get some sleep after a late night emergency call out, as it helped to distract me from the self pity.

Our hopes of getting back to the pool today were dashed, though, as the van told us it was just too fuckin' cold! We had a wonderful time indoors and Jason came over to fix it later. (Thanks, Jay!)

For now, I'm gonna trust that tomorrow will be better, and if not tomorrow, then the day after. I'm going to have some warm milk and go to bed early.

"Presumption should never make us neglect that which appears easy to us, nor despair make us lose courage at the sight of difficulties." Benjamin Banneker

"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments." Gustave Flaubert

Love, elly