core

I remember back to the first time I felt really truly stressed as an adult, when I felt like I was going to die from the anguish I felt. Until then I really hadn't known that it was possible to feel such physical distress from an emotional reaction. It was when I decided to do some therapy to learn how to deal with it. The only thing that helped the actual physical symptoms was to feel pressure in my belly, so that I could feel the "core" of myself and thereby know I would be ok. At times that meant bending over with my arms wrapped around my midsection to get that pressure, at others, wearing something tied around my waist, or asking someone to sit or push on my stomach.

During the last few weeks as my life has been turned upside down and I live in a construction zone, the only thing I feel I have any control over is making my bed. The rest of my "down house" is in chaos. It has also slowly occurred to me that physically and emotionally I no longer need the outside stimulus to know I'm ok. I feel my core when I walk around here, doing whatever I can, and know that I'm physically stronger in a way I wasn't back then, especially through my midsection. I also believe I'm emotionally stronger, even though things don't feel easier. I feel more ok amidst the chaos.

Many thanks to the many people who show me love and support in so many ways, even though I do nothing to deserve it. Right now, being is enough to deserve it.

Love, elly

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt." Max Lerner