I survived

I think I've probably gained 10 pounds. I've eaten 4 boxes of ice cream, 2 pizzas, at least a half a pound of butter, cookies, squares, sandwiches, etc, etc. I have literally stuffed down every bit of food and every feeling that has come up.

Recounting what happened for the producer, and then picking myself apart afterwards has left me feeling as vulnerable as when it happened. It's like I'm back being 12 and 13, with no protection and no support. I felt alone and powerless.

I like that she asked about what things I did to survive. I realize that I did so much more than survive. As much as possible, I forgave. I yelled and screamed, raged and cried. I nourished and cherished the parts of me that felt beaten and bruised. I found a few good people who helped me know that it wasn't my fault. I learned how to be a passable parent most of the time. I learned to speak up for myself and others and became a good union leader most of the time. I developed and honed my teaching skills and became a dedicated, compassionate educator...most of the time.

I make lots of mistakes and I have learned to claim them and apologize. I keep learning and growing. I keep examining my beliefs and behaviour and making adjustments as I go along. Just as I learned that the church wasn't all bad because one man made some mistakes, I could decide what I believe in day by day. I have kept the religions beliefs that work for me and jettisoned the rest.

He bribed me with food and that doesn't mean that I need to remain a victim, chained to food forever. This week I'm concentrating on my successes. I'm going to tell myself positive, true messages every day. I think I might call the social worker at the clinic and see if I can get in to talk with her and get some extra support. I'm also going to talk to the people I still need to ask about some things I mentioned during the taping and send the email with the details to the producer.

I realize that this is a bit messy and unorganized and that matches how I feel. I'm still here though, and I did so much more than survive.

Love, elly