I had a rough day yesterday when I heard that the daughter of a Guelph police officer was murdered on Monday. He started with the department at the same time as Paul and we knew him and his wife well. His wife died of cancer when their 2 girls were young and he married one of Paul's cousins several years later, who has several boys from her first marriage. He has been a trustee and our school board chair for many years, so I've kept in touch through work.
It's horrific; unspeakable. At the same time, I feel a bit like I did when Deb committed suicide. My grief is bigger than it warrants. I think I'm transferring some emotional energy from my disclosure and adding it to the normal grief I would feel about these situations.
I'm also quite irritable with people at work who I don't like. They can't turn around without it pissing me off. I've even felt like telling some of the students to fuck off! I haven't, but I did need to leave class once...
I finally heard back from the counsellor and I have an appointment May 5th. Good thing I'm doing so well! Seriously, I think this person will be good and I could have seen someone else a week sooner, but the intake worker actually acknowledged that she wasn't as good. I'll wait.
Tomorrow I'll get back in the pool. I got out for some air at lunch and that helped. I had a lovely visit with Jason's girls last night and Sam visited this evening. All my grandbabies help my heart to heal better than anything else!
Love, elly
What I know about 'triggers' from my psychiatrist! I used to have episodes that lasted months. It seems that there is a specific chain of events that happens with my PTSD.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you get triggered. If the trigger is significant, it causes a whole series of things to happen. You slip out of reality, You feel depressed. You reach out to other people, or don't. Through therepay I have learned different coping mechanisms which shortens the episode.
Maybe you can document what happens to you so you can understand them more.
I like the fact that you acknowledge it. Remember, you are not what happened to you!
I love you more!