There is no doubt in my mind that my parents had a deep and profound love for each other. They survived a great many things that most of us don't even have to think about. War, poverty, isolation, and scarcity were just a few of their hardships. They must have been perpetually exhausted to boot.
While I know that this love saw them through their whole lives and it was obviously the right choice for them, I can't imagine any of us choosing it. I remember being shocked as an adult when one of my sisters asked mom if she had to do it over again if she would. She readily admitted that she wasn't sure. She had hoped as a young woman to become a nurse. She wouldn't elaborate, but I have often wondered since whether their love actually brought much comfort with it.
Imagine a life where you had so many children, because you believed that you had no choice, that this was god's choice for you. Imagine the 3 miscarriages that mom had, with no time, support or energy to grieve. Would you even grieve if you already had 9 or 10 kids? Imagine having to trust the decisions that your spouse made because there was never time or energy to discuss how you felt about anything. You each had separate jobs to fulfill with very little time actually spent together.
I don't think they taught us about love by modelling it. A sunday afternoon snuggle would have been the closest we ever came to seeing love exchanged between them, being a church enforced day of rest. Church, milking, cooking, dishes and homework still needed to be attended to. Most of the time I don't think they even modelled very good parenting. However, I still think their greatest gift to us was each other. We were all in the same boat and I think we turned to each other naturally.
I make no judgement of them. I'm certain that they did better than I could have. I can acknowledge that I'm angry that neither of them knew what the priests did to us, and at the same time, I know that they did the very best they could with what was available to them. It was a different time and surviving was their greatest need. We live much easier lives in most ways and have the luxury of saying "I don't want to just live; I want to be happy too." It was a luxury not available to them. I have the option of treatment that was unheard of in their lives.
It's taken a lot to put these thoughts down and there is so much more I could say, but this is enough for now. I stand by my claim that my siblings were my first teachers and my kids and grandkids still reap the benefits.
With love and gratitude, elly
I just hope you didn't learn too much from me. Then again, that's most likely the cause of your idiocy!
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Peter
Oh and I'm sorry but I just can't shut up! Maybe I should start my own blog and leave yours alone? But sorry again, I need to make this point. This is not a new revelation for me as I've been conscious of this since I was probably 12 -14 years old. I refer to the fact that not once in my entire life have I ever heard my parents raise their voices to each other! I too agree that our parents were way too busy with survival to spend any time parenting, but the way they respected each other was from my perspective a very powerful outward indicator of their love. Perhaps it's just a "mans" perspective that sees this as more significant than hugs or kisses. Certainly it was and still is the single most significant thing I am proud of them for, especially dad, for some reason.
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Peter
Excellent, very insightful post. I do see Peters point as well. I remember speaking with another parent about a counsellor one of the kids was seeing. This other parent was warning me the said counsellor always blames the parents for the problems of their children. I have come to accept the truth of that, but as a result, learned that I can also take credit for a lot of their gifts as well.
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