Update

After a really awesome interview last week, I went to bed and slept for an hour or so. Then I woke in a panic, realizing that I had made several errors and feeling quite anxious that some people close to me might object to being part of my conversation, even though I didn't mention them by name. I hadn't thought about some of the questions she asked, so I answered on the spot. It was pretty much the exact opposite of how I felt after it was first over. I felt extreme shame and guilt for not doing it right.

Even while I struggled through the night, there was a part of me that knew that it was just a reaction to going public and that it would pass. Several days later, I'm feeling somewhat better and have decided to check in with people and ask if they object to the reference. Then I'll email the producer and request that she delete any of those sections. 

I'm still working on accepting that it was good enough, even though I forgot several things I wanted to say as well. It certainly is pushing me to continue doing the things that help me heal, and continuing conversations, even the difficult ones, with the people I love.

I weighed in at the Y yesterday at 212 lbs.

Love, elly