In the daylight I feel hopeful, joyful, free. When the darkness sets in, as it does this time of year, it seems I struggle to even articulate my own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it sounds to me like I'm asking for forgiveness, or that I'm feeling righteous or trying to justify myself. Things that I'm sure I understand don't make it past supper, the witching hour. Sometimes I think I should just go to bed when I get home, but I know that's not the answer. It's better to be active and productive as late as possible, but my body forgets that, so after a long day, I sit. Maybe this is what the early stages of dementia feels like... It's always a struggle to write after that point of the day, and yet it feels even more important to do so. I think not being able to be in the pool is really exacerbating an already difficult time of year, and walking and biking are the only things saving me from myself at this point.
On Monday I weighed in at the Y at 182 lbs. I continue to do great with food, until the witching hour, when all hell breaks loose, in one form or another. This morning I dropped in to see Adrian and Aubrey and brought the leftover pudding cups to them for their lunches, so that I wouldn't sit down to them again tonight. I'm either the slowest learner this side of the Congo, or just an idiot!
I will not go gently into the dark night...
Love, elly
This is one of the most poignant posts you ever written! Somehow it expresses great sadness and great hope at the same time. As you describe it, I can feel your "witching hour" transition.
ReplyDeleteAnd although I worry about you, I also have confidence that your courage and your wisdom will win the battle in the end. Be not afraid!!
Love
Peter
I think being aware is at least the first step in being able to do something about it Elly. Great post
ReplyDeleteLove hoj